Begin rant
I moved to this country more than a year and a half ago to my husb after our marriage. I had no family/friends here. I also left my career as my qualifications are not valid in the us so I will be doing everything again. I am working right now and trying to study in the rest of the time. My hubby is also orginally from the same country but he is in US for last 10 years.
My home country is very very far and takes two days and 2000 dollars to fly there. I havent seen my family/friends in these 1+1/2 years. my hubby's parents live with us most of the year and he has his brother and lots of family here.
After a lot of saving and getting 2 weeks vacation time, We are planning to visit my home this october. I am so so happy and excited. The problem is that his parents also have a home there (different city than my parents). and they want to come there with us. I just want to spend time with my family and sister and actually relax because I am tired of working so hard (work, housework and study), I deserve the break. If I go visit them I would loose atleast a few days out of the 2 weeks and I would have to do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry again. Besides, I dont know when will I get next vacation to see my parents and sis again. ITS JUST 2 WEEKS. But how do I say no? :? My husband does everything for them because they keep saying out loud how old they are and they have few days left etc etc... (they are not that old and are in perfect health but they experts in making others feel obligated to do things)
BTW, we'd have to spend for their trip too (around 3000 bucks). also my inlaws visit there ateast once a year and I think we'd have saved atleast 6000 bucks in the last 2 years otherwise. No matter how hard I try, I just ending up hating them. Isnt it enough that they live with us most of the time and get everything? I work day and night but they would never be satisfied, would they? I wish I had some money to go visit a therapist.
This trip is really trurning out to be more stressful than I thought. I am so stressed that I feel like just cancelling the whole trip.
I feel so badly for you. I feel like any person with any compassion at all would realize that you would prefer going by yourself so that you can concentrate on being with your friends and family.
At the same time they must (might?) think a lot of you and want to share this day with you because they care.
I am not sure if either is right. If you really want to x them then try something like:
I am really flattered that you want to share this with me but my concern is that I might hurt your feelings because I will want to be with my family and friends. I get to see you every day but I haven't gotten to see them for 1.5 years. Could we plan a different vacation together??
I have been married to a nice man with a really difficult and complicated family. I have figured out that I need to stand up for myself because I am not being fair to them or myself by "being nice".
Whatever you do learn to say "let me check with my husband and I will get back to you" so that you have a little time to think up the best non-offensive answer you can.
Good luck!! You will have a great time with your family with our without the in-laws so do you best to roll with it.
Have you told your husband how you feel, in the words you used here? Tell him what you are feeling...pick a time like at night when all is quiet and there are no distractions or tension. If he understands your issue, great. If not, tough, you take care of you once in a while, you are worth it.
Yesterday, I tried telling this to DH and I suddenly became tearful about how overwhelmed I feel at times. Its not easy to cook 2 meals every single day for all and do all the housework + work + study (compromise on my studies). I wish I had my mom or sis here where I could just drive or visit atleast once a month and rant about my problems. Living with inlaws is not easy.
I mean in a relationship, people talk about compatibility with spouse. But here I have to be compatible with 3 different people and no-one on my side or to talk to. I know poeple who grumble when they have to visit their inlaws just for thanksgiving or christmas and I live with them everyday.
My job is also very stressful and I have just lost myself somewhere. Not to mention my weight loss struggle.
I have become a master at letting go! I have great relationship with them. But I'd have more love and respect if there was some distance.
DH did understand but everytime I try to tell him something like this he feels guilty that he keeps me unhappy and mad that I do not appreciate what he does for me which is not true and I told him so. The commonest answer he will give is "you dont have to do all the housework or job." I know he cant say "no, dont travel" to his parents. I dont feel very comfortable complaining to DH about his parents because noone would like it although he tries to understand me but I know there is no point because he will get the stress too.
DH respects them a lot and I think its their part to understand that they can spend on travel as much as they do. If they ask to visit home, there is no way we could not buy them air tickets. If I spent even half of that on honeymoon, we could have a great trip to hawaii for 10 days or could spend it to get some help from a therapist.
I dont know how many of you have lived with their inlaws in a 2 bedroom house...But I am just frustrated and feel fatigued all the time. Today, I miss my mom the most!
Since I don't know where you are from, I don't know how your culture differs from what I am about to say.... so I hope I don't offend you.
I would say that you really do need to put your foot down with your husband and your in-laws. You are not a doormat, and yet you are being walked on by everyone. Is paying for the in-laws to go going to be a financial burden for you?? If so, tell them.
Personally, if uninvited guests tried to tag along with me, I would flat out tell them that they have to pay their travel expenses and expect not to see much of me because I'm going to be busy without them around.
If the issue of your in-laws is a bigger issue than just the vacation, I would really recommend that you have a serious talk with your husband - don't let him make you feel guilty because you have nothing to feel guilty about. It might not be a bad idea for the 2 of you to see a counselor about it as well.
I just cannot understand how people in a marriage can let their parents take over everything.... I see this with some friends of mine as well. It is sad because all it does is breed resentment.
Actually, on edit: sounds like your husband is being made to feel guilty by his parents.... so he is in a position where he feels he cannot tell them no. THis is his issue - not yours. I don't know if you are in a position where you can say: I'm going home to see my family - by myself. And then do it. You do not need to be drawn into this guilty universe that has been created in your household. Sounds like your husband is doing a great job of saying things to send you on a guilt trip. I would seriously get help with a counselor or things could just get worse for you emotionally in the long run.
I agree with buckettgirl. You need to tell them how you feel. If they do tag-a-long, you are not obligated to spend your time with them. They should know that you want to spend your time with your family and friends. About paying for their tickets, I have always felt that if you could not afford to pay for yourself to do something, then you shouldn't be doing it. If that's the case with your IL's, then they should stay home or else you'll be paying for more than just their ticket.
Your Dh should understand that you need time for yourselves and a break from his family. If he can't see this, maybe you're better off going by yourself.
If they ask to visit home, there is no way we could not buy them air tickets. If I spent even half of that on honeymoon, we could have a great trip to hawaii for 10 days or could spend it to get some help from a therapist.
I am sorry to be blunt, but in America there is no obligation to buy your parents or inlaws airline tickets just because they ask. I would continue planning your trip and don't offer or even suggest that they can come along. If they say they are going, tell them to have a nice trip and you will see them when you return home. If I were you I would invest that $6,000 you saved in a home for just your husband and yourself. Your husband needs to break the ties and move out. You said his parents were in good health so they probably can take care of themselves.
No, we did not offer them to visit with us. Infact they will go a few days earlier than us and stay there longer. When we told them about our plans to go visit my family they said "oh, we were also thinking of visiting there!"
But I told DH that this does not obligate us to spend time with them and that I am vivisting only to see my family. I do have issue other than this vacation with them. Nothing major but many small things just accumulating.
Just guessing that your background/culture commonly has the son's wife taking care of him and his family?
His parents will not change. All you can do is change your situation.
It is not fair for you to have to do everything around the house. If they are not paying for their own vacations, they can afford a part-time housekeeper. Unless they are completely disabled, they are able to take care of some of the household duties.
Let's pretend you never married into this family. Let's pretend they didn't have your husband as their son. Let's pretend it's just his Mom and Dad alone.
Would they starve to death and live in a filthy house with dirty clothes?
No! They would pick up the slack and take care of themselves.
Honestly, we teach people how to treat us. You will have to make these changes slowly and be honest yet respectful. They are used to you doing everything, so I would do it gradually.
I would start by asking your husband to take on a few household responsibilties. There is no reason he cannot do laundry, fill the dishwasher, etc. If he refuses, just stop doing them yourself. Let the laundry pile up, let the dishes stack up. I'm sure someone will do them. Tell them you have a migraine if it comes to that. His family chose to live in America for a reason. Freedom and Civil Rights are probably some of the reasons, and you are entitled to them, too.
As far as the vacation goes, take your vacation and spend as much time with your friends and family as you want and do not feel guilty. His family has you all the time and can certainly spare you for a week or whatever.
I wish you luck. Traditions are hard to change, but like I said, they chose to live here and you have the right to happiness. You mentioned therapy. There are places that charge very little. Maybe you could find one. Also, health insurance sometimes covers it except for a co-pay.
In laws
How could they not know??
