[crownshape]

Background: Ok so here is the deal (and honestly I am posting here because I need some non- biased opinions): My SO is a marathon runner (usually avgs anywhere between 1-3 a year) During these times I am always supportive be it doing os tof the cooking or cleaning when we normally share or buying him gel paks to ge throught he long runs or making cards- whatever you can think of i have done it. the issue is my bday is 11/04 the NYC marathon is 11/05- last year when he ran the NYC marathon I had asked him to please not run it this year (and do another one) so we could do something special for my 30th. However, not too long after (dec) he ran the marathon he was talking about running again this year - with his friends (they are all BIG BIG runners) never once talking with me about it. So in Jan (i felt like i had to do soemthing- i was so upset with him) of this year I sent an email to my grilfriends to come to vegas for a girls weekend to celebrate. I now have 3 girls meeting me in vegas for what is sure to be a wonderful weekend (and yes i know it will be wonderful) and then he will be flying out to meet me on SUnday AFTER having run the marathon adn then we will stay until thursday doing all sorts of coupley stuff (grand canyon/hoover dam) And i don't know if he is doing this to appease me because i feel neglected or what...My issue is as the date draws closer I can't help but wish he hard feelings on his run (even though for his birthday last weekend I got him some new run shorts and soem crocs)adn i feel liek his priorities have cahnged--I know that is wrong but i don't know how to talk to him about it. Am i just being way to selfish? I jsut feel liek i go to great lengths to make sure he is happy adn paln things for us to do for his bday even giving up a coupel of auditions over his bday wekend so we could go out of town and when i told him that i had turning down something he said well i wished you woudl have come to me about it first (which i took as needing his permission but then i realized in my rational brain he meant so we could have worked soem thing out) should i approach him??? should i just forget it??? how can i get past this????? accckkk!!!!

[BlueToBlue]

It sounds like this marathon is pretty important to him and it also seems like the girls' weekend in Las Vegas with him meeting you afterwards was a pretty reasonable compromise. It also sounds like, no matter how much you want him to, he isn't going to give up the marathon. So I guess I would say that you need to decide how important it is that your SO be with you on your birthday. If it is really important, than this guy probably isn't the one for you. If he has other qualities that do make him the one for you, then I think you need to let this go; you're just devoting a lot of angst to something that it doesn't sound like you can change.

I do think it was a mistake for you to give up auditions to be with him on his birthday and expect him to then give up the marathon in exchange without first discussing that with him. If you rearrange your schedule to be with him on his birthday, it has to be because you want to do that not because you expect him to reciprocate or, if reciprocation is required, that needs to be agreed to by both of you in advance. Now you are resentful of him because you gave up something that it sounds like he didn't really want you to give up anyway. I don't really think that is his fault.

The fact is, you can't change him; you can only change yourself. If you feel that both of you need to put equal effort into each others' birthdays and right now you are putting more effort into his, then the solution is for you to put less effort into his birthday (either that or get a new SO). You aren't going to be able to force him to put more effort into yours.

- Barbara

[kateful]

I agree with B2B completely.

It's not likely that a marathon runner is going to miss the NYC marathon if he can avoid it. I really don't think sacrifice is all that good a measure of the quality of a man (or woman). If I were you and I wanted to keep the guy around, I'd agree to celebrate my birthday on another day.

[owira]

I just don't think guys put as much into dates as we do .. its a sad but true statement... I am sorry that He won't be with you on your birthday but it sounds like you made plans that will be great fun for you and then when He joins you ya'll could have a wonderful week with lots of memories. Am afraid to say, but, if you don't figure out a way to resolve this ..when He does join you in Vegas you might be even more resentful and have a horrible time. In our house when it comes to birthdays and xmas and holidays .. I am the organizer and the shopper .. unfortunately when it comes to my birthday ..there is no one left to organize or shop

[SmartButt]

I think these ladies have said it all - don't purposely put yourself in competition with something that you know he loves to do. That isn't fair in and of itself. My birthday fell on a Thursday this year, and that weekend (Fri-Sat-Sun) my fiance and I went out of town. I did pretty much nothing on the actual day of my birthday, but I had a BLAST with him that weekend. The actual DAY just really means nothing to me.

You shouldn't look at it like a compromise or sacrifice he should make. He's going to spend a wonderful birthday with you - just not right on the exact DAY OF your birthday. It sounds like you are supportive by making gel packs and other things for him, and you should continue to do so. Encouraging him to enjoy the things he loves in life will only make him appreciate you more for LETTING HIM BE HIM.

Just look at some of these other people posting who's husbands don't even remember their wives' birthdays. Don't you feel bad now? You should go give him a hug.

[Apolline]

I basically agree with what is said. I am big on special days, too (birthdays and anniversaries are the most important to me). Here is a little story that might make you feel better about your situation. Last year and this year my husband was/will be deployed in a war zone. This past birthday I turned 27, not a big birthday, but I was broke from a cross country move and 3,000 mile from my family and friends. This year should be better, I will have been here a little over a year and now have some friends. What really got me was missing my husbands th birthday earlier this year. I really wanted to take him to Vegas. It is a trip that keeps seeming to fall through for us. Instead of living it up in Vegas for his 30th he was flying missions over Bagdad.
I guess this is just a little reminder that things could be worse! Of course, they could always be better to, and we don't live our lives to other peoples standards.
I think what you have planned will be great! I am sure you will have a wonderful time with your girls and then a great week with your man. I am sure that he will give you lots of extra special treatment for supporting him and his running.

[crownshape]

Ladies, thank you very much for all your words of wisdom. I knew i was putting too much on it - i just needed to hear it (read it) unbiasly (sp)- thank you! thank you!

[BlueToBlue]

Have fun in Las Vegas! I just got back from a conference there and it was way fun!

Oh, and happy birthday early!