Marriage Problem!!!
 

My husband and I have been married for 5 years now (our anniversary was yesterday), needles to say where my problem comes in....he FORGOT!!!

This is not the first time that my anniversary....birthday....mother's day hasn't been special in anyway. Our very first anniversay I never got anything (and by that I mean a card), he jumped out of bed that morning and went over to my inlaws capming trailer (they were over here doing some farming) and was visiting and they must have reminded him that it was our anniversay and so when he came back he came in and gave me a kiss and said "happy anniversary". Second and he got me a card and that is all that I would want, third anniversary comes and I have to buy myself a card and he just signed it, fourth anniversary comes around and no card no nothing. Last night when he got home from work I thought I would go to him and give him a kiss and say it, all he did was smile and I said "you forgot didn't you" and he said "yes.....now go and get mad". I had his card in my hand and went and threw it in the garbage without giving it to him.

The thing that pisses me off the most is that that night before our anniv. I told him that the little things are what mean the most to me like saying I love you, and just doing something for me once in a blue moon. THen the next day he forgets our anniv???

This is also what happens on my birthdays and Mother Day's. He tells me I'm not his mother, and I tell him no I am your kids' mother and they aren't old enough ( 3 years and 1 years old) to get me a card, so that is where you come in!!!

I don't know what to do anymore, this is really upsetting me. To tell the honest truth our marriage from day one till now has gotten better each year (minus the birhtday, anniversaries and mother day). He does alot with our kids and helps me out. But those few days out of the year are suppose to be special ones.

I slept in my daughters room last night and he came in and asked me to come to bed in our room and I didn't. This morning he comes in and asked me to make his lunch and I didn't so he got pissed and was slamming cupboards while he was making his own lunch.

I know this long, but please give me your honest opinion and suggest what I should do!!!!!!!

What is REALLY important in your life? You said that your marriage gets better each year except for his forgetfulness regarding dates. Are the little things really the most important?

I have a unique point of view on this, as I am perhaps the only woman on the planet who does not keep track of important dates. One year, I even nearly forgot my own birthday (not out of denial).

My husband and I will be married 4 years in November, so we're still practically newly weds. We had to be apart on our second anniversary because he had gotten a new job in Wisconsin that started immediately (I followed after I had put in my two weeks notice). I didn't send a card, but was intending to call him on our anniversary. I forgot, he remembered (he's usually as bad with dates as I am, we remember a relative's birthday the day of, if we're lucky).

We tease each other about it, and try to be better, at least for our moms who are likely to be upset if we forget, but dates just dont "click" for us. Now that we have to live by an appointment calendar for doctors visits and such, we've been better because we write everything down, but now it's just the day before (when we check) rather than the day of, that we are reminded.

Not that we don't do nice little things for each other all of the time. I keep a stack of "non-occasion" funny and romantic cards that I sometimes hide in places he will find them, and he brings me home flowers and other small surprises, "just because."

If dates are important to you, you can hope he remembers (but he won't) and then get mad, or you can help him remember and plan to celebrate together. "Tomorrow is my birthday, and I'd like some flowers or a nice card," "Sunday is Mother's Day, why don't you take the kids shopping tomorrow?", "Our anniversary is in two weeks, why don't we plan something fun?"

Colleen, I must be the second woman on this planet then cause I too tend to forget certain dates that I shouldn't be forgetting.
For me that 1 day isn't as important as the rest of the days in the year...

The first few years we didn't have the money to buy each other gifts,,,so we made sure to let each other know how we felt...usually with words,,,or small things done for each other.

Lindsay, my husband said the same thing,,,your not my mom so I don't need to buy you anything... my mom was the one to pull him aside and say,,,you are right,,,she isn't your mom,,,but she is the mother of your children,,,and you as their dad have to teach them how to celebrate this day,,,as she will do for father's day. I got 3 cards they made,,, the children are almost 19 and 14, I still have those cards.

I think you need to pick your battles,,,and its up to you to decide if this is worth sleeping apart?

My husband always forgets my bday, mothers day, anniversary etc--he gives me money to buy my own Christmas gift and then expects me to wrap it an put it under the tree. Yes I was upset about it at first but we've been together for over 20 years-he is a great father, even to my son who was only 1 when we met, pays bills on time, helps around the house, keeps my car going and is always there for me. Those things mean more to me than a couple of days that he forgets.

Well...woman #3 checking in (after Colleen & Angelia)....I usually forget our anniversary if my Mom doesn't remind me...DH is the same. And we will be on our 20th anniversay this year...so it ain't like it's sumpthin new. :o
If I want him to remember something I remind him specifically....hinting doesn't work! If I had kids I would think they would be very useful for this... :s:
I guess what you need to evaluate is what is more important...a few days out of the year or the year as a whole where he is being a good husband? Remember - it's an awful lot of work to find a suitable upgrade for husbands....good ones are fairly hard to come by as many are already taken.

My husband is a romantic so no worries for me. At the same time I never assume anyone will remember (and once I forgot an anniversary and left town). I tell everybody it is my birthday. I remind my husband a few weeks in advance that our anniversary is coming. Some years I plan it. Some years he suprises me with something. We treat it as a joint venture. As for mother's day, unfortunately many men feel that way about the holiday. A friend of mine once said fine for a whole year she didn't get her hubby anything for any of the personal holidays. He noticed. He didn't like it.

Did his family make a big deal of birthdays, holidays, etc? Did yours? It may just be that you two have grown up with different ideas about what certain days mean. I grew up in a family where we have been know to postpone birthday celebrations (which were nothing big) for several months, and no one ever thought it really made a difference. My brother and I have birthdays about 3 weeks apart, and until I was about 8, we always just did our birthdays (just an at home thing--no party) on the same day. So, I've never been attached to specific dates. Was he different when you were dating? Maybe the two of you just are on different planets regarding this issue.

hi, Lindsay, I am so sorry you had a bad anniversary, I can speak from exsperience I know just how you feel!! I have a great husband with the exception he forgets most of the time to. He usually use's the excuse his meds causes him to forget but, to me he remembers what he wants went it concerns him. Sometimes he remembers and he so sweet, he never has forgotton Valentines day but, we have NEVER celebrated our anniversary and we will be married 20 years in October, I got 2 cards in all that time and the second card my daughter had to yell at him. I've talked to my husband to and he'll just get mad an say I'm *****'en. I have always went all out for him to for all occasions but the last 2 years I haven't to see if that would change him but, it didn't. I'm dying to see what happens for our 20th but, I am sure he won't forget but, he won't do anything speacil. all I can suggest is what my daughters do and they mark in on a calendar on the fridge so he can see it.

My DH isn't great with the holidays either. He forgot my B-day once about 3 yrs. ago. I was pretty upset and it hasn't happened since. I usually buy him more expensive gifts for his B-day than he gets me. Such as guns, and hunting junk. However, He always does a good job at Christmas with nice jewelry and such for me. Our anniversary is usually just a nice dinner out, I forgot it this year, but he remembered it. As for mother's day, he doesn't usually get me anything, but I always at least get him a new shirt or something small such as tie. He isn't perfect by far, but from the previous men I've been with, he looks like a God to me. He is a good father and good husband and our life is happy. He has stuck with me when I was horribly sick and very over-weight, and cared just as much about me as he does now. I know that I can count on him to be here for me and our family and that is way more important than any gift I may or may not receive.

I have had fabulous birthdays and anniversaries, but its because I take it on myself to plan it. His job is to look good and show up. He got mad at me this year because I even bought a dozen roses for myself for my birthday. He will suprise me from time to time.

I think we have to empower ourselves to have the lives we want, much like weightloss. Best you and be gentle to yourself and those you love.
Miss Chris

Okay...gotta check in on this subject too. My husband is one of the forgetful types too. Its just something he doesn't think about. I get upset sometimes and later get over it. My problem is and always will be the remarks I get if I mention he forgot something...those hurt worse. Like you mentioned your husband saying "I forgot...now go get mad." My husband does that all the time and that hurts alot, he just doesn't know it. If he would just say sorry or something instead of "I know what your reactions going to be so I just say those things to make you mad." Guys are a peculiar group of people. They say women are hard to figure out! But like most of the other ladies mentioned, he is a terrific father and a great husband. THere is always going to be bumps and troubles along the way. No marriage is perfect I guess.


Chris

I understand how disappointed you must feel.If he refuses to be considerate then i suggest you take things into your own hands.Have your own celebration.buy yourself something nice,take a friend to a fancy restaurant.Just because he won't celebrate the important dates doesn't mean you shouldn't.Maybe he will get the message.

The way I see it....if something is important to you or your spouse and you are open and honest about it then the other person should make an effort to try harder.

Luckily my husband is very thoughtful and lives to please me and my daughters.......

The bottom line is that you are hurt because these special things are what you desire....and it isn't like you are expecting him to read your mind...you tell him...it sounds to me like you are feeling hurt and it is probably about more than a card or flowers.

When we were first married....our first anni....I planned it.....booked a room in the hotel we stayed in on our wedding night, tickets for dinner theater, put his suit in the closet, champagne on ice etc...gave him a card with the hotel key in it....it was awesome....we agreed that we would take turns each year planning after that..and that is what we have done for the last 16 years..they haven't always been fancy....some years when we were busy and the kids were young it was natchos and beer, or a movie....we usually keep it a surprise, but we usually start talking about it ahead of time....

If this is a good marriage....then you just have to keep working away at making your needs known and coming up with creative solutions to making special days special. sometimes we have learning curves on these matters.

Hang in there! Let us know how things go.

On a side note...........If my husband ever woke me up to make his lunch he wouldn't ever see another anniversary....that is entirely selfish of him...it would be different if I was up and making lunches and decided to make him one but to wake me and just expect it would rub me the wrong way.

IMHO

Liz

Thank you all very much for your opinions, they were what I was looking for. It has cooled me down quite a bit. I do realize that overall a couple of days out of the year isn't what makes a marriage, but do I just settle and accept it??

I know in the end he is a good man and he takes very good care of our family. But if I have to constantly remind him of my birthday, mothers day, and our anniversarie that's not right. And if I have to tell him to do things for me like get me this or do this, I should just do it myself then. The whole thing of it is to see what he will do for ME. And by the way it is always marked on the calender with hearts and what not for our anniversary.

I do so many little things for him that I wouldn't think REMEMBERING our anniversary would be too much to ask. I have bought him a hunting camo hat and subscribed him to a hunting magazine and that was just in the last month. I just don't think it is acceptable for me to be doing these things for him and not getting anything in return.

I know and I will remember that there are bumps in the road and our overall marriage is more important to me than a couple of days. As Lilybelle said " I know that I can count on him to be here for me and our family and that is way more important than any gift I may or may not receive." I totally agree with that.

On a side note as well...his family does birthdays all the time, his dad bought his mom a new wedding set for their 25th and on their 30th it was my father-in-laws idea to throw a gathering for the both of them. My DH sister and brother are both having major problems in their marriages and me telling him how I feel (he doesn't ever have to worry about me not doing that lol) over the past 5 years that it would be nice for him to do a little something like that for things, you would think it would mean something to him. Like seeing his sister go through a seperation and he knows quite well that it hurts me when he does this. You would think it would kind of be an eye opener.

I guess it comes down to the fact that everything he does on an everday basis IS more important to me.....it just hurts alot at the same time.

I really appreciate all of your guy's opinions

Hugs to you! :hug: :hug:

I swear I think a lot of men are like that. First DH the first year we were together he forgot my birthday. He said he was going to the store to get some pepsi and I thought, yeah right...he has a surprise for sure. Ummm, he came back with pepsi. I could not believe he actually forgot. Well, he never forgot after that. A lot of times though if I wanted something I planned everything. He worked so much and really didn't have time to do it. Secretly I did wish that just once he would have planed something or at least got a cake. He did maybe 3 times in the 12 years we were married. But he was great with our anniversary, V-Day, Mother's Day, and Christmas, even Easter and Thanksgiving. He always bought me flowers and a card. My 32nd BD was a month before he was killed and it was the best one ever, one I will never forget. It wasn't anything special except that it was spent with him.

Now DH#2 is quite the opposite...he never forgets anything and he is the greatest with planning, getting the cake and looking for gifts. Of course we married on my BD and it falls on mother's day every four years. But it is close enough that he just combines the 3 which is fine with me. Anyway...

I would say if you want the perfect birthday, anniversary, holiday, plan what you want to do and let him know the week of or a couple of weeks before. Tell him what you want and what you want to do. And if he doesn't want to do anything then plan your own special day without him and go celebrate *YOU*.

Something I learned from being a widow for 8 years is that I didn't need a man to make me happy. I didn't have anyone to celebrate those special occasions with except my kids and that is what I did. I made my own cake most of the time and we went out. I didn't have a cake every year because I just didn't want one...but I did do something special for myself on those days.

Do you accept it?

That's going to be something only you can answer, and it's a hard one. My mother has tortured my father over these kinds of things things their entire marriage (42 years so far). When he forgot, she was nasty about it. When he remembered, but she felt the gift wasn't appropriate, she was nasty about it, and when he got it right, she accused him of getting help from us kids.

And in my own mrriage, while I sympathize with date-forgetting, because of this family drama and because I do it too, I haven't been immune from the thoughts of "If he really loved me, he would [insert behavior here] without reminding.

For me, it has mostly been housecleaning tasks. My husband absolutely hates doing dishes, so in exchange he does all of the laundry (my most hated chore). Getting him to help with other housecleaning or getting the laundry done in a reasonable span of time, is like pulling teeth. He's worse than a kid.
He promises to do it "after" he finished whatever he's doing - and then forgets. I can almost guarantee that he will forget to do anything he promises to do after I go to bed (he usually stays up a few hours later than I do).

It used to make me SOOOO furious. We had a long talk about it, and the subject still comes up periodically. If I didn't remind him and just got mad, he felt I had set him up or was being petty. He asked if I really thought that he didn't love me, if he got wrapped up in a tv show (like I get wrapped up in a book) and forgot to put the leftovers in the fridge, or pick up his dirty snack dishes. I told him no, but I felt if he loved me he would make more of an effort. He brought up the refrigerator (Huh, I thought).

I have a habit of putting things back in the refrigerator in a different spot than the one I found it in (the mayo might go in the door or on any shelf). I've always lived alone, and my fridge was never so full I couldn't find what I wanted. It bugs him, because having been a restaurant cook, things have a place and need to stay in their place (he also gets annoyed with how I store our utensils and pots and pans).

He said that I have never changed any of the habits that annoy him, did that mean I didn't love him enough to do what he wanted me to.

Is it really that important to you, I asked, and he said "no," but that he felt that when I didn't remind him of things he'd promised to do, and just got angry and did them myself, he felt like he had been set up. By waiting to see if he remembered, and then getting mad when he didn't, I guess in a way I was. Like you said it was all about waiting to see what he would do for me."
He gave me a big list of things he did for me (and to be quite frank, most I barely noticed). Things like when we were both working - in the winter, cleaning my car and starting it for me, and bringing home dinner so I wouldn't have to cook....

I realized that we just expressed love very differently, and that I was setting him up with the "if you loved me, you would..." stuff. So I do remind him, sometimes once, sometimes twice, and occasionally he will still forget and I will get mad, but it's no longer of the "you don't love me," kind of mad, it's the "you're a big pain in my butt," kind of mad, which doesn't end with either of us sleeping on the couch.

Sit down and talk with him, and decide on a compromise you can both live with. Maybe it will be giving him a reminder a week before the event, and maybe even a general gift idea, maybe it will be something else.

After the week I have had with the women I take care of...if that is your biggest problem, you are doing pretty good. I understand that you were/are hurt, but...he is not beating you, bringing meth into your home, and he has not given you chlamydia...Hug that man, tell him Happy Anniversary and make it a day he won't ever forget.

Celebrate your love and family every day.

I agree that we have to "pick our battles". My DH gets annoyed that I forget to put the lid back on the toothpaste. I complain that he leaves his dirty socks next to his recliner every single day for me to pick up. Even though we have little annoyances with each other, I'd never sleep separate from him.

Whenever I get annoyed that he didn't buy me anything for my B-day, mothers day or anniversary I have to stop and think. Did he have money? He gives me his paycheck every week and I give him $150.00 weekly to live on and buy his gas and lunches at work. I keep the checking account and pay all the bills. A lot of times, I say don't worry about getting me anything, I want to go try on clothes and pick out something that I like. (I've seen what he picks and it's not a pretty site).

Come on, girls, guys forget things. I know that's not an excuse, but men don't retain these things as well as women do. To this day my partner of 16 years can't remember which day my birthday is on. It's in November. The 14th. But he'll still say, "Ummmm... is it the 15th? Or the 21st?"

There ya go, lol.

I mean, really, what's more important... your entire marriage? Or a forgotten date?

It happens to many of us.

Perhaps you should try basing your expectations of him on the man that he is rather than the man that you wish him to be. If you love him and he loves you, then in the grand scheme of things would reminding him ahead of time or taking over the planning yourself really be such a hardship? Would you rather continue to set yourself up for hurt and disappointment time after time, or would you rather be realistic and proactive in the making of your own happiness? It's your choice whether or not to be bothered by this. Honestly, wouldn't you rather not? Just my 2 cents...

Beverly

Picking battles I think is the real issue, "Is this the hill you want to die on?" as they say.

Asking you to make his lunch, might have been way of asking if things were back to normal (if it's something you do every day), without admitting he was wrong. Not necessarily a way to twist the knife. Though he also may have been hurt himself that you were still mad.

I can see my husband doing something like that. If he upsets me, but he doesn't think he did anything wrong, or that I am overreacting, he will not apologize no matter what, he considers it akin to lying. It drives me crazy sometimes, but that is him. He is still a great guy, just frustrating to communicate with sometimes. We don't speak the same language, even when we're using the same words.

I annoy and confuse him sometimes, and he annoys and confuses me sometimes, but we are very open and willing to discuss our difficulties, so we usually can work things out before anyone gets mad. That's what's really important, that you both are on the same team. Compensating for each other's weaknesses.

I see too many couples keeping mental checklists of all of their partner's shortcomings and offenses, instead of their strengths and virtues. That builds failure not success.

Didn't see Beverly's post before I posted, but the point hits home. When I do get angry at my husband it is usually because I am wanting him to act in a way, that I know is contrary to his nature. I want him to be something he just isn't. And the fact is, this is the guy I married, and this is the guy I'm stuck with, for better or worse, as they say. And where it counts, it keeps getting better and better.

I know that all he does for me is always appreciated and I tell him, I don't think I ever said it was a "if you love me or not thing".

I know what he does on a regular basis is what and does count the most, I'm sorry but just because on a regular basis he is good, that means that I'm not allowed to express that I'm hurt by what he did or didn't do. I know I have to pick my battles but am I suppose to shrug it off and tell him it's okay and not make it known how it made me feel? Especially since (sorry if this is TMI) basically on a daily basis he is on my case about not having sex every single day? He tells me that he never gets enough and that he feels that it's important to him (like any typical man). Well why doesn't he relaize what I do for him overall on a daily basis and how good of a wife and mother I am and that it shouldn't be a big deal like his efforts that he makes ?????? Plus he gets it at least 3-4 times a week.

You guys are going to think we are nut jobs or something lol. My point that I am trying to make is that it makes me feel like I don't have the right to get angry if he forgets or it's not something that improtant and to get over it but when it's him and his needs then it's different. He doesn't get over it, he's keeps telling me to "give" him more.

I don't know, it's not a big deal now and probably shouldn't have been. But in the heat of the moment and it happening every year, I was just wishing it would have been different.

He did come home with a card and a candle today and I was nice and kissed him and thanked him.

I do honestly love my hubby and pray that nothing ever happens to us, I just have needs too, even though they may not be that important to others.

Hi again, I don't know how old are you and do you work? Maybe I am old fashion but, I make my husbands lunch, set up his coffee the night before, and put out his meds. It might not sound like much but, he appreciates all those little things I do, I figure I can no longer work anymore and he never says a word about us losing an income. I agree with the person who wrote be gratefull he doesn't beat you, do drugs, ect. And is he over weight? And if he isn't be gratefull for that you have a husband that takes good care of you. and all that stuff he has to love you for the you inside, well this is the real world and men are visual and woman are emotional. I am sorry if I sound harsh, but, I have been with my husband over 20 years. Give and take, that's what works. good luck.

No one said you didn't have a right to be or express anger, but you did ask:
please give me your honest opinion and suggest what I should do!!!!!!!

That's what each of us has done. Personally, my honest opinion is that throwing his card away, sleeping apart even when he asked you to come to bed were punishments exceeding the crime. Instead of communicating with him, and asking him how you AND he could resolve your different desires and expectations from each other, you chose to punish him, resulting in a lousy anniversary for you both.

Was it understandable? Of course, it's so cliche' almost every family sitcom has a "he forgot the anniversary/birthday and she's upset" episode, but in the scheme of things, it didn't have to ruin the anniversary unless you allowed it to, and you did. Will he forget the next occasion? Probably, unless you're willing to help him remember.

I really urge you to talk to him to resolve this, because these family dramas really hurt the kids. My dad was totally useless in the remembering gift days area, and it made my mother furious (though they never slept apart). It's probably why I don't remember such dates so well myself -- They were a nightmare, and we were always caught in the middle, not fully realizing why Mom was so mad at Dad for forgetting, and afraid to help Dad remember (if we got caught at it, we'd ALL be in trouble) but afraid not to (she'd actually tell us not to tell dad her birthday was coming up because she wanted to "see if he remembers on his own this year"). I still get a knot in my stomache thinking about it.

My husband is a romantic so no worries in this issue for me. Course I often don't let him forget and sometimes I do the planning.

Should you be upset! Heck Yeah! Course now that it is over, the best deal is to be proactive.

Now the issue of not being appreciated...I know that one well. For years I was a stay at home mom and did everything. That wasn't good enough. He wanted a career mom. Now that I'm a career mom, I do a lot less at home. He says something about it and I tell him I was never appreciated for those things so why should I do them. Now that he has to do them (I was much more detailed), he starts to appreciate ANYTHING I do around the house. Now he wants to tell me my career choice isn't good (cuz it doesn't pay like his). I have to remind him it took him time to get where he is, and then recently I just plain blasted him and asked him how he would feel if I did xyz. He hasn't said a word since.

My kids are great with positive reinforcement. Guess what..so is my husband and I. If my husband does something (like cook), I don't blast his choices (even though I am on a diet). I tell him thank you and portion control. The reason is I've learned if you say thank you to something, people are more likely to keep doing it or at least do it more often. One time, I gushed about him adding broccoli (even though nobody but my baby and me likes it) JUUUUSTT for me and he started adding it more often. Pretty soon not only is he cooking more often but much of it is diet friendly.

Is there someplace you would like to go? An amusement park? A bath house? A tourist town? Bowling? Pick something you like and you think he will agree on (don't set yourself up for failure). Then say, since we didn't really do anything for my birthday, what about going to xyz place? Then keep things lighthearted and fun. Then when it is over or sometime during the activity, tell him thanks. You had fun and it was a great place to go to celebrate a birthday. Next time give him advance warning. Remind him how great going to xyz place was and watch and see if he doesn't respond.

IMHO, He's a good guy that needs some training.... thats all. 5 years of marriage is still pretty new so you can make this work. Lindsay your feelings are very real and I don't blame you, I'd be upset too. Its not about the gifts it really about the acknowledgement of the day for you and thats understandable.

Communicate with him, maybe you two could go to dinner alone and talk about things (w/out getting upset) tell him that these things, as little as they are to him, are very big and important to you...he has to see that you really mean this (with out the anger).

Good marriages consist of years of learning, making mistakes and mostly forgiveness...but communication is the key.

Good luck hon and I'm sorry your so hurt :hug:

.

I think it would be different if he were doing it intentionally to be mean; doesn't sound like that was it though.

My ex-husband would wait until around 10:00p.m. on my birthday or anniversary, and then all of a sudden say "Happy birthday! Haha, bet you thought I forgot!" To him, that was like pulling a big joke on me. He hadn't forgotten at all, just wanted me to think he did. I thought it was pretty cruel and he did it time after time, so after many years I knew to expect it. And that's one reason he's an ex.

It just doesn't sound like yours meant it like that. I agree with some of the others ... you should plan it, and start reminding him a few days before. If after all of that, he chooses to ignore it or make other plans, then it was intentional.

I'm sorry it was a bad day and hope it gets better very soon between the two of you. :hug:

In response to Bird Lady on how old I am, i amq 25 years old and a stay at home mom of 2. I am more in the old fashioned way of I wake up every morning at 6:00am with him to make his lunch(don't do it the night before because he likes me getting up wit him),regardless of how many times our baby would wake up. I might add he has never gotten up with any of the kids and has only changed 1 diaper on each kid!!!! I don't ***** at him for that (pick my battles right).

And in response to kaplods...I agree with some stuff you are saying

Originally Posted by :
And where it counts, it keeps getting better and better.

That is my husband and I. On another note

Originally Posted by :
Personally, my honest opinion is that throwing his card away, sleeping apart even when he asked you to come to bed were punishments exceeding the crime.

I know two wrongs don't make a right, but at the same time knowing my husband the reason why he was so eager for me to go to bed was because he would have tried to "get it on", thinking that would make it all better. I wasn't in the mood to have to go through that with him, I just needed sometime to myself. And sleeping apart one night isn't going to break our marriage.and a couple of times you are bringing up your parents

Originally Posted by :
My mother has tortured my father over these kinds of things things their entire marriage (42 years so far). When he forgot, she was nasty about it. When he remembered, but she felt the gift wasn't appropriate, she was nasty about it, and when he got it right, she accused him of getting help from us kids.

and

Originally Posted by :
I really urge you to talk to him to resolve this, because these family dramas really hurt the kids. My dad was totally useless in the remembering gift days area, and it made my mother furious (though they never slept apart). It's probably why I don't remember such dates so well myself -- They were a nightmare, and we were always caught in the middle, not fully realizing why Mom was so mad at Dad for forgetting, and afraid to help Dad remember (if we got caught at it, we'd ALL be in trouble) but afraid not to (she'd actually tell us not to tell dad her birthday was coming up because she wanted to "see if he remembers on his own this year"). I still get a knot in my stomache thinking about it.

well you say you urge me to talk to him why do you think I did what I did and why do you think I posted this topic because for four years of talking to him and telling him how much it would be nice and it hasn't changed anything.

If he actually REMEMBERED and didn't get me a card I wouldn't have posted it. But where does that show about the small things that matter to me. Yeah I know he could be beating me and bringing drugs into the house and it be a lot worse....well remember that the next time your hubby does something to upset you that you have tried to work out, if that is the way you should always think then none of us should ever be getting upset with our spouses.

Our marriage is not on the verge of divorce not even close, but I posted this topic to see what else I could do because talking to him for the past four years hasn't done anything, which is what most of you have suggested or by reminding him and telling him what I want. So I was sick and tired of it and yes I did what I did. Yes he supports us and takes good care of us....but he also never really does anything special once in a while. Like give me a back rub, give me a break and bath the kids, make supper, do any laundry , even on his six days off he doesn't get up with the kids in the middle of the night or rarely gets up with them and let me sleep in once in a while.....so pardon me for wanting him to remember our anniversary and get me a stinkin card!!!!!!

Originally Posted by MrsKeltsy:
...so pardon me for wanting him to remember our anniversary and get me a stinkin card!!!!!!

Lindsay,

IMHO, if you wanted to vent, just say so :) The women who responded have given you some solid advice earned after years of experience. No need to get so upset... it's just anonymous advice, take it with a grain of salt if you wish!

Personally, if I were you, I would be mad too. I'm a bit OCD about cards, important days, etc. But a lot of men are not good like that... I had an ex-BF who for our anniversary, gave me a spider plant clipping in a pot that he snipped off his parents' houseplant, because I had said it'd be nice to have a plant. This was after I took us out to a fancy Italian restaurant with a piano bar (my treat) and gave him a pricey pocket-watch. I guess I should have been glad I got something ;) but I was, er, underwhelmed.

I think you are faced with a couple options here really:

* Set up your own celebrations and tell him you have done so you have some special time together.

* Set them up with his input, be pro-active basically.

* Talk with him and really stress how important this is to you (sounds like this is a no-go based on your past.)

I know none of these ideas are as appealing as just having him "get it" and start remembering, and being spontaneously romantic. But reality is, you gotta deal with what man you have ;)

As far as the trying to get you into bed thing that night, most (if not all) men consider sex a form of communication, not just a very pleasurable act. (I can hear you scoffing, heh!) He might have wanted to show he was sorry... or, maybe, just smooth things over. It could have been the easy way out, or it might not have been. Of course, you know him best...

Guess it all boils down to that old saying: you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

Good luck!

You may have asked for advice, but I'm thinking you really wanted validation and commiseration. Yes, you had a right to be angry, and many of us have had very similar experiences to share. If this is true, then you need to ask for what you REALLY want, if you can't do it here, how are you going to do it at home.

You need to ask and even demand what you want, and if you can keep from getting angry while you make the requests and demands, you'll find more often than not you will get what you want, and he may even surprise you, once he "gets it."

I try not to give advice unless it's asked for, and even then I'm learning that I probably should just keep my mouth (or fingers) shut. Especially on these boards, because there's never enough information to really give an informed opinion that can be truly helpful.

All of us have different priorities and values, so we can only speak, truthfully, for ourselves. For myself, the card wouldn't have been an issue, but never having helped with the kids, that would have been a huge issue. From my perspective, I would say you picked the wrong battle, because helping with the kids isn't just for you, it's not even just for the kids, it's for him as well. Changing a diaper may not SEEM like an important bonding experience, but in the scheme of things, it really is.

I like what another poster said about "training" a husband. Men are taught to think about themselves first, and even those they love second. We are taught to put ourselves last, and as we get older the list of people ahead of us just keeps growing and growing. Both men and women need to be trained to meet in the middle more often.

When I first married, the more I did for my husband, the less he did for me, and I thought WHOA where did my romantic fiance go, and why did he leave this JERK in his place?

I guess he thought the housecleaning fairy was showing up, because he never thought about how the work was getting done. He asked why I didn't ASK for his help. One of his favorite expressions even now, is "WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK."

I too thought it "didn't count" if I had to ask. But I got so sick of doing it for myself that I started asking and even telling. "I need you to...." - "I want you to...." - and even "DO IT NOW."

It was very difficult for me at first, because I didn't want to be "the boss," anymore than I wanted my husband to be. He had always called me "the boss" to his friends, and it irritated me to no end, until I realized he really wanted me to be. He actually sees his job as making me happy, but he'll admit he doesn't have a clue how to do it, unless I tell him.

I felt like an idiot at first (and his momma), but it got easier, and he started to do more of it on his own. And now he grins like a five year old when he does - on his own - something he knows I'll like.

It's funny - I didn't have to "train" him to bring home roses for no special occasion, but I did have to "train" him to rinse the sink after shaving. And I literally had to do it like you would a 5 year old. Asking him (even though I could have done it myself since I was standing there) to come back and rinse the sink. And praising him for it (even though the first time I had to rinse it again because he missed a good deal of it).

On a side note, as to your husband wanting sex all of the time, it may not be the amount of sex, but that he is always the initiator. He may be needing reassurance that YOU find him attractive. I know this has been an issue in my marriage, but in reverse. My husband is the one with the lower sex drive, and he was perfectly content with me being the initiator all the time, but I wasn't. It made me feel like he didn't find me all that attractive, especially because I was rejected more often than not, which only made me more sexually aggressive, but more unhappy about it.

I don't know if any of this applies to your life, so I contribute it in the spirit of "for what it's worth."

I definately agree that marriage is training each other. It reminds me early in our marriage (the first year) my husband (the romantic one) had the nerve to say that I was spoilt and needy (it didn't matter that I never had romance before him). He said women need that kind of stuff. Men don't. Instead of arguing I decided to plan a hot bubbly bath, with a candle and a plate of fresh cookies and milk on the side of the bathtub. When he got home, I showered him with attention and gave him all these things. He was grinning from ear to ear. I asked him if he liked it. After about an hour at the right time I reminded him what he said. After all men don't care about that stuff. LMBO! I got my point across without ever having lift my voice in anger. I only wish I could handle all our conflict that smoothly. That was training in action.

Another one was when he finally got too critical of my laundry skills (my dad was OCD so I had enough). I told him one day, from now on you do it. He did. He didn't have a choice. I once in a while would say "why don't you do it like xyz (the way he told me to)" and he grinned becuase he knew he had been had. Training, Training, and more Training. We all do it to each other.

I'm with kaplods, I would have definately picked the battle over helping with the kids. That's one of the more amazing things my husband and I have to bond over. Each marriage is different. That's why you gotta pick what will work for you.

Yes, I have been totally angry at far lesser offenses than the one you have mentioned. I have not kept my cool. I have his food down the drain among other childish things. Sometimes we just need to be upset because we can't help it.

I'm am not trying to come across as a ***** and I know I was starting to get frustrated and it is so hard to write things and try to get the right tone across at the same time.

I do thank everyone for their advice and opinion and it is nice to hear it from people that have been married longer than I have.

I guess I was looking for a little bit of sympothy...but I was also looking for other ideas that would make him see what I mean. Because talking to him isn't working. But I have to take the obvious fact that basically all you guys have pointed out, that it shouldn't be as big of a deal as I made it.

I do see that you must all think that I asked your opinion and just flew off the handle because I wasn't hearing what I wanted to. And like kaplods said it is hard to give advice or opinions when you only know so much and I get that. But I am really glad the advice came from years of experiance, can't ask for anything better.

I don't want to have a bad vibe with anyone... I just was looking for good sound advice and a little comfort, and yes I got it.

And Kaplod about the sex thing and how you said

Originally Posted by :
On a side note, as to your husband wanting sex all of the time, it may not be the amount of sex, but that he is always the initiator.

You are probably right. But it is also a two way street, he has his needs I have mine....and I guess we both have to understasnd that "if we want a little, we have to give a little".


Thanks and sorry I hope there is no hard feelings

Lindsay we know your frustrated and who can blame you, I would be too. :hug: to you, I hope he comes around soon, and no, there are no hard feelings what so ever.

Just little idea, does he have a cell phone? Or a PDA? I have learned to program everything into my BF's phone...now he has no excuse for forgeting... also, you could send reminder emails ( I think you can find something online that you can put all the occasions in at once and it will send the email when you want it)... It seems to be working so far...

Originally Posted by fitgal2:
Just little idea, does he have a cell phone? Or a PDA? I have learned to program everything into my BF's phone...now he has no excuse for forgeting... also, you could send reminder emails ( I think you can find something online that you can put all the occasions in at once and it will send the email when you want it)... It seems to be working so far...

LMBO! That's great! I remmy programing into my husband's phone to remember to call his wife on his business trip and tell her how great she is (I was doing some extra stuff that week). He did and it was a fun thing between us.

As far as talking to our spouses, sometimes we speak different love languages (I learned this from a marriage seminar). I couldn't tell you what the 7 languages were, but I know mine is talking. I want to HEAR from my dh how he feels. I want to TALK about things, etc. His is action. He doesnt' listen well and feels that talking can be redundant and meaningless sometimes. He speaks through his actions. He might not say he is sorry, but he might pick up the one thing I'm craving when I'm pregnant to express the same thing. He wants the same thing from me. He wants me to SHOW that I mean something, not say it (I'm not talking about sex). Once we learned this about each other, it did help us to appreciate that the other will show their love in a different way. I no longer expect to hear "sorry" but recognize when he is. (that's just one example). It's really very interesting. Nowadays if I want to TALK to my husband I text messege him. He is a computer geek and apparently instant messegeing, email and text messegeing are how I can reach him. When we had a cell phone, he barely said 2 words. Now that we have a PDA type device, he talks nonstop. I also notice because there is LESS emotion online, we don't react to each others tone of voice, etc when we are discussing something more serious. What a great discovery. Do I wish I could talk to him better and have long conversations? Yes, I do, but I learned to use my girlfriends for this. Our best TALKING conversations are in the car. HAHAHA! My point to all of this, is many of us have been there and our spouses ARE different. We learn new things about them all the time and sometimes we just have to figure out what makes them tick. If talking isn't working, something else will. Don't feel bad for wanting your birthday to be a special day. I make my hubby separate mother's day and my bday even if they fall on the same day. I want TWO gifts. LOL.

Honey,
It took me 5 years to get roses from my husband... and I just got them yesterday for my birthday (which is tomorrow).

Frankly, as long as your husband is a good guy, treats you well, and is a good father - and you say your marriage has kept getting better, then I would say you are very much OVERREACTING.

This stuff is so NOT worth getting pissed off about. Men just don't think about things the same way women do. If everything else is great, then leave this alone.