fitgal2,

I can so relate. I met my husband through a personal ad I had placed in a local newspaper, which also appeared on the newspaper website.

Before meeting, we spent hours on the phone, and wrote long emails back and forth. When I finally met him, he had almost nothing to say face to face. It was weird because it took nearly a month to become as comfortable with each other face to face as we were on the phone and by email.

Sometimes it was almost like we couldn't wait for the "date" to be over so we could get home and talk to each other on the phone, email or IM.

Although my husband says I love you a lot, he also apologizes with actions, not words. And sometimes the words he does use could make things worse if I didn't recognize them as an apology. He often will ask if I'm still mad at him, which sometimes made me feel like he was saying that an argument was all my fault or that I was just being irrational. But I also notice that he goes out of his way to change the behaviors he thinks made me mad (but usually it seems that he misses the point, and changes the wrong behavior, which is why I've had to learn to tell him exactly and specifically what upset me, and why and HOW I want him to change his behavior).

It's like when he was spending way too much time on an online fighting game. He thought I didn't want him playing the game at all, and was going to cancel his membership. I didn't want him to give up something he loved, I just wanted him to spend more time with me. He needed specific rules for playing the game, because it was easier in his mind to give the game up, that to use what I considered common sense in how often and how much he played.

It's funny how this kind of "negotiating" seems really artificial at first, and as though it is going to depersonalize the relationship. Back to the "if I have to spell it out, it doesn't count," kind of thinking, but it has actually done the reverse. By being extremely specific in what we wish from the other person, we're really getting to know each other on a level I never would have thought possible. Sometimes I think we know each other better than we know ourselves.

I have to say that my husband use to be pretty bad at all the holidays and anniversaries, but it took me breaking down one Mother's Day and showing my butt and telling him that if he didn't show at least a little bit of romance or just remembering about important things than I would stop as well. Well needless to say he loves that fact that I do so much for him and he realized how selfish it is to expect so much of me but not return the favor. He has now gotten alot better about those issues and now we are working on the remembering family memeber's birthdays LOL!! :) Hang in there Hun I have been married for 13 yrs, it takes a long time to train them just right!!:D

My husband is generally completely unromantic, and I have to remind him about every special occasion ("it's Mother's Day. Best send your mom a card." "Don't forget that Friday is my birthday." etc...). It doesn't really bother me because he has so many great points that this one issue isn't really an issue.
But one day, last year, I woke up and found my favorite breakfast on the table, complete with a fresh bouquet of flowers. He served me breakfast, was so, so very kind and caring, and loving, so I began to wonder what exactly had he done! I mean, this was some sort of apology, but I didn't remember arguing at all the previous week. So then I got a bit nervous - what trouble was he pre-empting? Anyways, after breakfast, he gave me a card, and when I opened it, it said
"HAPPY ANNIVERSARY".
Yup, I forgot my own anniversary. How completely embarrasing.
Anyways, I guess my point is that thankfully he has looked beyond my terrible memory and chooses to look at my good points.
And, as my mom always says, pick your battles! Some things just aren't worth fighting over.

Has he ever been alone with the kids for a few days or had to take responsibility for the housework when you've been gone? Any chance you might "need" to leave town for a few days? Maybe visit some family one weekend or go to a spa with a friend? Maybe if he's on his own with the kids and house for a few days, he might come to appreciate what you do much more. Maybe find a way to get out of the house for a couple days...it might be good for you to have a break, too. I know you said he has 6 days off sometimes, so he should be available to watch the kids, right?!

My first anniversary was pretty sad but before that was my birthday .. my birthday is oct 11th .. our anniversary .. oct 21st .. so pretty close .. you would think after not knowin one .. he might pay extra attention to the next? ~rolls eyes~ ohhhhhhhh no no no .. he blew both .. back to back .. laughs .. for uhm... i dunno ... 10 years!!!! ... just 2 weeks ago i was lookin at his calendar and on bottom has a note .. says traci's b-day .. oct 10th ... he was standin there so proud goin ..see .. i put it on my calendar! .. i go uh huh you did ..but ... my b-day is the 11th .. he goes mannnn when will i get that right!! .. gee hon .. after uhm ..18 years... i am not holdin out much hope! .. I always do things for his birthday .. and i used to get my feelings hurt cause he wouldn't do things for me .. i did for fathers day .. he ignored mothers day sayin i wasn't his mother .. i did all the xmas shoppin and the holiday stuff .. he sat back and patted his tummy.. i think they are trained that way .. i know his father is not what ya might think of as sentimental ..and complete opposite of romantic .. but he is one of those manly men that bring home the bacon .. and guard their family from any physical pain .. but are totally oblivious to the mental .. I don't blame my husband for his lack of .. understanding anymore .. it took me quite a few years to come to terms with the fact that he isn't tryin to be hurtful .. he just doesn't put as much into it as i do .. i spent many years of my b-day's and anniversaries at football or soccer games... many valentine's days alone ..cause for 10 years he drove otr .. there were very few times he was even home to try to celebrate and when he did get home he would of forgotten then too .. but he is a good father ..and does what he can .. i just try not to take it personal

side note .. one funny story .. we talked about my birthday the nite before .. him going ..what ya want to do? me going .. i don't know .. i have to go help my uncle for an hour or so in the mornin but then maybe take the kids somewhere and do something .. him going .. sounds good ... we go to sleep .. the next morning ... i wake up ... nothing ... i cook breakfast...nothing ... i get ready to go .. 3 yr old son comes in bathroom .. i tell him ... go tell daddy to tell mommy happy birthday ... son runs in kitchen goes ... tell me happy b-day daddy!! ... husband goes ...happy b-day brett...
does a light go on? nope!!
i go to leave and at that point very mad and hurt ..he goes ..when will you be back .. my response? i dunno .. can't even tell me happy b-day .. maybe i just go out by myself and not come home til tomorrow!!! .. he goes ... oh **** .. and i walked out ...funny now ...not so funny then .. laffs

I planned our first anniversary. Some he plans. What's interesting is our 9th anniversary I was planning a cruise trip for our 10th. It never dawned on me that I needed to plan our 9th. I was completely oblivious. So oblivious that I went out of town. My husband KNEW I forgot because I always do the reminder thing and someitmes even part or all of the planning. So I drove 4 hours out of town with the kids and went to visit my sister. He called my sister and while we were playing a board game my sister acted busy and asked me to get the door. I still didn't get it at first. I thought maybe he decided to take a vacation too. The roses weren't a strong enough clue for me UNTIL he said, "Happy Anniversary." I was mortified that I forgot after all that planning for the next year and after this being a big deal to me for all these years. He called ahead and arranged for my sister to take the kids out while we went to a candlelight restaurant. We came back at 8pm and I begged to go to bed. I was exhausted from the drive. LOL.

My hubby found that if he treated me better he had more sex....maybe u should point this out to him......:)

I know what you mean.....when I get home and my hubby is vacumming or has cleaned the garage etc...I tell him....."I am so turned on" and we both have a good laugh!

You have to keep it fun!

L:D

there are 6 family members born on the 10th -11th of Sept. My son is the 10th mine the 11th. You would think my mother would remember mine,,,but no. I spent years without anything from her,,we lived 5 min away. She would call and everything but never remember my birthday till a couple of days later. My husband would remember, but teh first 10 years did nother,,,we usually were so busy with all the other birthdays mine just took a backseat.
My youngest son and father is the 26th. The rest of the month has about 10 other family member birthdays also.

Lindsay honey, listen to this old married lady. I have been married to my husband for almost 34 years. He is as adorable as they come and loves me to a fault. HE HAS HOWEVER FORGOTTEN BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARYS ETC. He also played the "you are not my mother" card years ago. I told him "I am not forced to be your housekeeper, chef, or prostitute either, but if want me to remain so a card on Mother's Day and a trip out to dinner won't kill you." Men are big dopes, even the good ones so don't expect so much from him. Should he not be such an idiot, absolutely, but will he always be one, most assuredly. For goodness sake, don't let pride get in the way, HELP THE MAN! Be bold and tell him outright, "Honey, tomorrow is my birthday, let's do something special." "Sweety, our anniversary is in two days, why don't I get a sitter and we do something fun that we did when we were dating?" I doubt he is going to tell you NO!

I know a lot of women think men need to be more accountable, but let's face facts, they are just wired different then us and think more with the privates than with their brains. Don't be so hard on him or yourself.
Step back and laugh about it. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it means he is a DOPE! It probably isn't the only important dates he forgets.

My birthday is September 28th and he has just started remembering the correct date a few years ago. This year I got my present a couple months early, a truly gorgeous diamond and sapphire ring. We will still go out to eat for my birthday and his too, but does it matter to me if we decide not to? Absolutely not! You know why? Because I love the man who tells me he loves me everyday. Who even when he is mad as a wet hen at me, kisses me goodnight. He is the man I sit and weep over, check to see that he is breathing at night if I can hear him and nag him to remember his medicine because he has heart problems. I don't give a darn if he never remembers another single thing as long as he doesn't doesn't die and leave me here alone. Next time you think about him being a dummy, think what you would feel like to sit in a chest pain emergency room and watch the man you love groan in pain, his skin the color of ash, knowing he is having a heart attack and you are powerless to help him. I guarantee you will run and throw you arms around him and appreciate him for the, absentminded careless fool that he can be!

Faye