Thanks for all your comments....I've never given the "call her bluff" thing any consideration, but I just might do that now. You're right--the more I roll over, the more she will walk on me.
I'm going to jump on a different wagon-are they crazy to want to get married when she is only 17 years old? They are both too young to be getting married!! I know he's off to be in a bad situation but they're still so young to be getting married. Have they dated any one else?
Ok, know that I've made a fool of myself I'll back out now.
On the other situation, the one you actually asked about if the kids want you at the wedding you should go.
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I bet she'd change her mind if her son said to her, "We will invite whom we choose to our wedding, however if you choose not to come, for any reason, we will miss you terribly."
Ignore the immature person who's having the hissy fit. I agree with the others about calling her bluff. I mean, it sounds like you've been in this relationship for awhile now. Why hasn't she completed the divorce yet? Sounds like she likes the drama. (Oh, I need to add that I don't know anything about divorces and I'm making a mass generalization and I don't want to start a fight online-oh, and to add that it's really none of business so I'll shut up now)
My brother was in a relationship with another woman after he was separated from his wife. She went to all the kids activities and when the wife got stupid, she stayed calm and was greatly respected for the way she handled it.
The bride will be 18 and the groom 19 by the wedding....but yeah I know what you mean about them being too young. I think it's the fact that SO's son is facing going to war, and he wants to get in all of life that he can before he goes. All the adults involved wish they would wait until he comes back but....you can't stop love, I reckon.
If I were in your situation, I would NOT go! Just because it'd create more tensions and complications for the bride and the groom! It just shows that you are respectful of the family and want it to be a happy event!
I know it will be hard for you and not even the right thing! But this marriage is about them and everyone's happiness. I'd just go for a vacation with a GF or my sis etc... (get tickets in advance and tell them that you made other plans and they dont have to worry about you)...
Hmmmm... you could always do the sneaky thing & SAY you're not going... but then at the LAST MINUTE, decide otherwise... (sorry, I'm a sneaky snake like that!!!!)
Some people are just so childish, aren't they??? I mean his mother, of course.
I hope things work out for Son's sake. After all, this is a day about HIM and his bride-to-be... not the in-laws...
I just have to jump in here and give my two cents. My parents are divorced, have been for years, both remarried, but mom divorced again before I even graduated high school. My relationship with everyone is ok, but stepmom has major problems with mom. Starting at graduation all involved were told to be there and play nice. It was never an option for someone to be left out. I think if your "stepson" and his future wife want you there then they should have a chat with his mom about growing up. She'll always feel like your the other woman regardless of the situation and she needs to get over it especially if she has a boyfriend. Like the others here have said, it is the kid's day not the mom's.
UPDATE: I had lunch with the bride and her mother today. They both want me at the wedding. Apparently the groom doesn't care one way or the other (typical teenage kid thing to say). They shared with me some of the wedding plans so far. Both of them are very excited, and I am excited for them.
Jen: Sounds like everything is going swimmingly...as it should in polite society. Glad everything is working out. Who knows? Maybe you'll even go shopping with the mother of the groom? Hey, ya never know...
I just noticed my mistake...I thought you said the SO's ex. I see what's up now. Good for you for getting in the circle of what's going on. Maybe you'll be invited and the ex will be 'X'd' from the list! Wouldn't THAT be a twist!!
(sorry, I'm a sneaky snake like that!!!!)
Sounds like everything is going swimmingly...as it should in polite society. Glad everything is working out. Who knows? Maybe you'll even go shopping with the mother of the groom? Hey, ya never know... 
Stay tuned!
