school, social problems, homeschooling? lots of stuff
i know i don't have a lot of friends at school, but i could never figure out why... i was talking to a teacher, and they said that when i talk to people, i only hear facts, not the feelings they're trying to show me... like about a month ago i was at shaw's and i saw my friend, and she said "i borrowed my dress for prom." and i said, "i bought my dress at betty dee's for $350". i just heard the facts---where she bought her dress. so i gave facts back. but what she was trying to tell me is that her senior year, her parents don't care enough about her to buy her a dress. and i didn't catch that. so when i said mine was $350 and it's not even my senior year, i prolly sounded cold hearted and like i didn't care. i know i must have made her feel really shitty and worthless.
i was talking to a teacher about this, and they said i only hear the facts, not the feeling behind what they are saying or what they are implying about themselves, someone else, their life, or anything. i just hear facts, and respond with facts. and sometimes i can really hurt people's feelings or embarrass them without even knowing.
but it doesn't happen a lot. i'm really nice to people, but i don't try too hard. but i still don't have a lot of friends. i was talking to my teacher about it and he said that it's because i'm really smart and know a lot of stuff, and the kids feel stupid around me, and that by being smarter and knowing a lot more than them i sort of alienate myself from my peers. he also said that i'm a lot more mature and older in my mind because my illness i had (cushing's disease) has aged me, through the experience of fast changes in my body and almost dying and spending a whole summer in bed, that i've learned a lot from it, even if it's unconcious.
i just don't know what to do. i have friends outside of my town. but i don't know why people in this town don't like me. it is a small town in northern new hampshire, up in the boonies. i miss downstate. people were more excepting. up here, to get a job or to have friends you have to be related to the right people, play the right sports, etc. i think it's pretty dumb. i don't like it at all. i can't wait until i can move out of here.
but i was wondering... if possibly i should be homeschooled? so i can study harder, study what i need and extra stuff i would like to study, and have more free time and work more at my job. and then have time to hang out with my friends from other towns, without being worried about school because i have my own schedule. any thoughts?
There's a lot of reasons to homeschool. Make sure you're not using it as an escape instead of dealing day to day with the other people in your town. I homeschool my son because he is advanced academically and wants to study more than is offered at our local school. However, he is still active with people in town, as well as other towns. His two best friends are ps teens from town here. He is extremely active in homeschool groups in other towns (we don't have any in our small town). I guess my point is, if you are considering hs to study hard, study more, study a wider variety, study at your own pace, then it's a great idea. But if you are considering it because you think it would be "easier" than dealing with all the other people, it's not a realistic goal.
From my experince, friends are better in quality than quantity. Be yourself and if a certain group of people do not like you for you than they are not worth your time. Life's short, Have fun!
I suspect some of what's going on is just developing social skills - kids develop at certain rates. Also, what kind of social skills do you have in your family - your environment at home can effect how you relate to others. No blame, families do the best they can. You can improve your social skills but if you're really worried you can get assessed to see if you have an underlying disorder, certain forms of autism get in the way of relating to others. Some folks have trouble with social cues, and can learn to better read those cues with intervention. If your family has a mental health component to its health insurance, you could see a psychologist for evaluation. And if you feel that your problem is interfering with your education - you could ask the school to evaluate you - upon request, they have to assess for all areas of suspected disabilities that may be effecting your ability to benefit from your education.
And for what it's worth, I'd have missed the comment on the prom dress and would likely respond just as you did.
This is just my opinion, but I don't believe that home schooling is going to be a solution for you.
In your post-the problem is that you have poor social skills, and it sounds to me like you are wanting to get away from the social environment, rather than learn from your mistakes and try to improve your social skills.
I have to say, that when I read your post-that making the comment about your dress being $350 sounded (even though you did not mean it that way) like you were BRAGGING. Why? Because even a lot of the girls who go to prom with new dresses don't get 350 buckaroos for one. There are plenty of prom dresses out there for $100-$250 if you shop smart. $350 is a pretty high end dress.
I don't think it was so much the "fact" that your family bought you a new dress that made it sound bad to your friend...but the fact that you added in the fact that it was pretty darn expensive that made it sound like bragging.
I am really not getting on your case at all-I am just trying to make you realize what part of your comments are turning people away from you. It isn't so much that you responded with facts, it was that you responded with "too much information". If you would have said your parents bought you a dress, or even mentioned the store-it would have probably been okay. It was putting the $$ amount in there that stung.
I was also (and am) very smart as well. I skipped a grade in school, have a very high IQ, etc. I had a problem fitting in mainly when I was in elementary school. The reason was because with the teachers it was all about "me", and the other children were either jealous, or didn't know how to relate to me. My parents finally had the teachers to stop "singling me out" with extra priviledges, activities, and so forth. For a few years, I took a completely different spelling test than the other children. Those sort of things separate you from socializing with other children-because they view you as different.
I am not suggesting that you do not strive for your full potential in school-but rather than it being about you and your abilities while you are in school with everyone else-maybe talk with the teachers about things you can do that are advanced outside of school. You could do special projects or advanced work at home, or you could sign up for an adult foreign language class, dance or art class, or something outside of class time. That is what I ended up doing-and I loved it.
I think that education is extremely important-but I think social skills are JUST as important. Take care of this problem and work with it now while you are young. You are going to need these social skills at your future employment, if you decide to get married and have children, and at other times in your life. In these times, it is MUCH more important to have learned these skills and how to relate to others-much more important than it is now in school. Think of school as a practice for your adult life. If you isolate yourself from dealing with this now, then it is only going to be harder later when you are having issues with a romantic partner, or your employer.
I would suggest, rather than home schooling, that you discuss some of these options with teachers-and also consider maybe counseling to help you deal with your social skills.
I would recommend staying the course at school...you have summer vacation upon you now, and maybe after a few months off, you'll have a different attitude/outlook. I'm a girl scout leader and every spring, I say, "I'm not doing this again...", then the fall comes, I've had a break and I say, "Bring 'em on!!"
As for the kids personalities, I wouldn't worry about it. Some kids...sorry to say...especially girls...are so darn sensitive at your age. Do you really want to have a friend that you have to calculate every single word you say so as not to offend her (or him)? Hang out, be yourself, and the right friend will happen upon you. Someone you can be yourself around, say what's on your mind, be a goof around, etc. without having to worry about offending. Life is too short....have fun and enjoy your SENIOR YEAR!!
Personally, I don't think you have any disorders...although if you want to check it out, go ahead...I think you're a teenager that's finding her way into early adulthood and finding out what kind of grown up you're going to be and what kind of grownups you'll probably want to hang out with...
It's not about watching every little thing you say to people - that would be tiresome and unnatural. But practicing some judgement when it comes to whether you are offending people or hurting their feelings is a skill you need for life long relationships. I say stick it out at school rather than homeschooling. It will get better and socializing, however awkward, during your teens is an important part of growing up. You will be happy later in life that you dealt with these problems instead of running away from them.
I just tried to pm you about something that was raised to my attention and I was told that your settings in your profile did not allow anyone to private message you, so I'll have to bring it up here.
Could you please go into your profile and remove your full name from your "title" under your username? It is for your own safety not to have that information out there for the entire world. We are mostly women here, but it is a public forum-so anyone could be reading-even nonmembers.
school, social problems, homeschooling? lots of stuff
good luck!!
