Last week and the week before I was on several medications for pain and apparently I hurt one of my friends' feelings. We used to e-mail once or twice a week (she lives a good distance from me). But now she will not return my e-mails. At first I thought she was maybe just busy or not around the computer or whatever, but I got a couple of forwarded e-mail jokes, and no responses to what I had written.
A couple of days ago, I sent a note saying that I was sorry if I had said anything hurtful, but I really don't remember everything that clearly because I was taking Percocet and a muscle relaxer for pain. I feel foolish to write again and embarassed to call (plus I'm very non-confrontational to begin with). Now my feelings are hurt.
What should I do? Just stop e-mailing? Call and confront her? Just forget about our friendship completely? I am so hurt that someone who is supposed to be my friend would hold something against me that I said while on all that medication, and won't even acknowledge what it was. It appears that she's just not planning to speak to me again at all. What should I do?
I would call her...and not confront her. I would just call and ask her how she is and all that stuff first. If she wants to bring up why she's not around first then that's good. If not then you can let her know how you are feeling. But don't accuse her of anything mean. Just be honest.
Don't let your friendship pass you by!
Being another non-confrontational type, I most certainly would NOT call her. The reason is, that would put her on the spot to respond right then and there, and that may make her uncomfortable. I know it would make me uncomfortable. She may not be quick on her feet and may not have even had the time yet to process exactly what it is that bugged her so.
I would send her another email, describing your feelings. How sorry you are for having said anything that may have hurt her. How hurt you would be if you end up losing her friendship over this incident. How much the friendship means to you. That kind of thing. If you have her home address (in other words, if you are 3D friends), you might even want to send that as a personal, hand-written note on beautiful cardstock. People correspond so infrequently nowadays in script that it may be a nice gesture. She appreciate it more than an email (which can be somewhat impersonal).
If she still doesn't respond, you may have to face the possibility that the friendship may simply be over. As sad as that is, it happens sometimes. You may have to walk away. To continue actively pursuing the friendship (if she feels it is over) might constitute harassment and/or stalking.
I sincerely hope that's not the case and that she just needs time to cool down and get her thoughts together. to you, dear. It's a tough situation.
I hope you're feeling physically better, even through this emotional upheaval.
Liz, you make a good point. The fact that I haven't heard from her doesn't necessarily mean she's mad, does it? I guess I am just hurt because I usually talk to her a couple of times a week and then when I was hurt and needed my friends' support the most, I didn't hear from her. Not even a quick "how's your back" note. I think that's probably what I am upset about most. I probably sound like a baby, but the last time she heard from me, I told her it was the worst pain I have ever had and now I haven't heard from her in a week and a half.
I do know her in "3D" but haven't decided if I want to send a note or call or what. My feelings are just hurt I guess. I'm being a big baby! But I always check on my friends when they are sick or hurt, including her.
I didn't get the idea that she was hurt or mad at you from what you said. My first impression is that she either hasn't read her incoming email yet or hasn't received them. Otherwise, she would have removed you from her forwarding as well. If it's just been a week, wait a bit. If it's longer, perhaps call and just explain that you were worried about her since you hadn't heard anything from her and you weren't sure if she'd received your emails. You could also possibly send her another email (just forward her a joke maybe?) and attach a read receipt to it...so you'll know if she's getting them and reading them.
When someone says something hurtful to me under the influence of medication/alcohol I feel that it is something they actually think/feel but would not under normal circumstances say out loud. I don't know how to repair this if it actually is the problem.
Then again, she could be busy, her computer may have a glitch, her email may be acting up... there are a lot of things that could be going on and not hurt feelings.
I would call her but I certainly would NOT confront her! I would call and tell her how much she means to me and ask her if there is something I had done to offend her and if so, to please forgive me... or if not ask if she is okay. Perhaps she is just really busy but it is good to find out. I would call her and tell her I love her and that our friendship is forever! If she doesn't want to or is not able to talk about it.. and she really is that good a friend... she is probably going through something very personal... in which case I would just tell her that I care about her... and as a Christian I would tell her I am praying for her but of course that depends on your beliefs and whether or not you do that. Then I would send her a nice snail mail card and give her some time. No way would I give up on a friendship that easily!!!! She probably doesn't want to either!
I also think you touched on it too... that of course YOU are hurt too! That is normal!! Don't feel guilty! BUT if you really care about her lay aside your own hurt and go reach out to her. Focus on HER... not yourself, even if you don't FEEL it. It's not worth losing a special friend over... these things when handled usually end up drawing people even closer as you love and forgive one another. Go after her in love!!
Last edited by Misti in Seattle; 03-25-2006 at 05:31 PM.
you are assuming she is mad with you. You will not know for sure until she tells you for a fact. Just call and say hey I am sorry and I ask you to forgive me
Hi Liz - it's embarassing. I sent another e-mail about the friendship being important to me, etc. and it turns out she was not mad about anything but probably thinks I'm a little odd now for all the unnecessary e-mails. Remember the good old days when we just called our friends on the phone?
Well personally I would STILL call a friend on the phone or see them in 3D rather than email if I thought there was an offense. But glad this turned out so well for you... and LOL at least she knows you care
Advice? I hurt someone's feelings...
to you, dear. It's a tough situation.
But glad this turned out so well for you... and LOL at least she knows you care
