[tearjerker]

Let me prefice this by saying that on normal days I love my husband, and he does love me. However, more and more I find myself just being totally frustrated with my life and I'm afraid that me letting it control me is going to cause me to sabotage any weight loss.

Some nights...like 1 night out of 10...I might come home to him being in a great mood...take last night for instance. I came home to supper in the oven, him doing dishes, kisses...that sort of thing. Makes me feel really loved. We sit down and cuddle to watch a movie...dishes are left unfinished, but hey, it's the thought that counts, right?

Tonight, much more typical. I come in, nothing is done. The house is much more trashed than when I left it this morning. The one thing he absolutely had to do today, get the plates for the car which expired Sunday at midnight (holiday so of course the dmv is closed until today) he did: the actual plates, however, are laying on the couch untouched. Water is still in the sink from yesterday...There is a pile a mile high of dirty diapers on the dresser in the girls' room. From the first moment I walk in the door I'm greeted with rants: rants about why I was late from work (don't get me started, just be pleased with the overtime alright?) next he tells me that my friend from California is on Yahoo messenger looking to talk to me...she comes back on and I end up talking to her, her husband (who is at work-another good friend of mine), and my mom calls on the phone at the same time...then he's mad because I am "ignoring him?!!?" How can I hear a word when I'm trying to concentrate on three other conversations at once? Not that I'm litterally trying to avoid him, but he was the one that wanted me to talk to my friend, right? Okay, dealing with the kids...not for him anymore. Not that I don't have to deal with them all day on my day off (sat and sun) and then when he is home as well...because he's had a hard day at work and wants time to himself. But I shouldn't have had a hard day at all at work and should be ready to come home refreshed and ready to play "single" mom because he's had such a hard day. So, when I ask him to help me with one while I'm giving them a bath...he pouts.

Okay, so here is where I'm at right now. He's sound asleep in bed..acceptable because he has to work at 5:30 a.m. tomarrow. I have one girl asleep in bed...the other one is screaming her head off in bed because she doesn't want to sleep. I just tried laying her down to see if she would soothe herself, but it doesn't seem to be working and I'm going to have to go in to get her in a moment to save MY sanity. I'm looking at this house and it is trashed! It's disgusting! But I do not have any energy left at the end of this day (or practically any day for that matter) to clean it up...just because I know it'll look like this tomarrow night again after I clean it...so what's the point?!? The other night when I was cleaning he sat on his a$$ watching me...not offering to lift a finger to help.

So, what did I eat today? My second day of dieting and I ended up with a banana, some dry roast almonds...a chicken leg quarter in which I took the skin off of at lunch from supper last night...I never did eat my carrots...more almonds because I was so friggin' hungry by then I had to have something. Supper? brats, krat and french fries he fried in his new deep fat fryer. *shaking head* maybe I should have just made my own supper. So, to top it off...a cookie. Oh, forgot to mention the slab of summer sausage we got from Christmas and some chocolate covered peanuts I bought that I haven't quite finished yet. At least I worked out this morning. I tried to talk to him about his food choices for supper since he knew I had started my diet yesterday...he's come back? "well, it's not my fault you decided to start to diet without me!" His work's challenge starts the 16th...so lets pig on all the things we wont' be able to have before then...whether your wife can actually have it or not!

I know I am the one in control of my body and not him....I can choose to say no if I desire...but at the same time I know this is my weakness...I'm stressed...so even though I'm quite full right now my desire is to go raid the kitchen of any sweet that's in there...my favorite? pop and chocolate....they go together quite well. A pepsi and the rest of my chocolate covered peanuts. You don't know how close I am right now to doing that because in my head I hear the words over and over again "tomarrow is another day." Emma must have finally gone to sleep. One stress gone. I hate having her cry herself to sleep but sometimes it's better then stressing yourself out trying to rock her/cuddle her/etc. and have her fight it.

Okay...I've got to snap out of this...goal for tomarrow while I'm at work (if we're not uber-busy) make to-do list to break down chores into much easier units. Maybe if I can come up with some sort of structure or formula about the house...maybe I can keep it cleaner. After all...other people do it...why can't I?

(and...as far as the pop and candy...please respect me in the morning, but I think this is one temptation I'm going to allow myself to succumb to right now ...I'm weak and it's all about baby steps...after all I did work out today!)

[tearjerker]

Originally Posted by tearjerker

(and...as far as the pop and candy...please respect me in the morning, but I think this is one temptation I'm going to allow myself to succumb to right now ...I'm weak and it's all about baby steps...after all I did work out today!)

Okay...that's just not fair...the candy doesn't taste near as good as a fantisized...and yet strangely enough I keep eating it.

Isn't it interesting...just a side note...on the bag of this Brach's Peanut Cluster bag there is a slogan..."Making Smiles since 1904"...isn't it strange we associate candy and chocolate and food in general with the necessary ingredients to make us happy? And yet...after we eat it, are we?

[teahoney]

Girl, I'm wore out just reading that post. You sound like you have had a very long day. I don't know how much comfort I can bring but I definitely understand where you are coming from. You've already started in on the chocolate covered peanuts so I can't can't talk you out of eating it. But, I think you have a very good idea about making out a to-do list. That may relieve some of the stress.

[chick_in_the_hat]

Hi I don't have kids and DH is fairly useful around the house but I wanted to send you a hug...

I like the idea of breaking up the chores into something more doable...are the kids old enough to help? Not that he shouldn't be doing more when you are already stressed...but if it isn't laundry day then a pile of laundry won't be as stressful.

Toss the candy if you haven't already - it will never make you feel as good as the commercial makes it look. Someone suggested spraying it with windex in case you feel the urge to dumpster dive...

[pixiefalls]

Hi there. I'm young but I did want to see if I could help you out. Of course we know all men are not alike and there are some of things I could just totally didn't understand about the opposite sex and that was hurting my relationship with the guy I love because all the things he "didn't do" made me a little distant to him each time. Well then I picked up the book called "For Women Only". I LOVE this book and I am so very thankful the woman wrote it (you must be thinking a WOMAN wrote it?! yes, and very well from her experience with her husband and many years of surveys she's done.) Trust me.. if you pick that up it's well worth $10. I think that will really help you with many of your problems with your hubby. Also, about the diet.. I say if he is going to cook those things because the challenge for him isn't until the 16th.. that you SHOULD cook your own like you mentioned. That way you will get what you want how you want it. I know you may work a little much for that so make something light and for you just not everyday, maybe? Anyways, I hope my rambling was of use.

[Kelly0144]

Tammy,
I hope you had a better day today then yesterday. I think the choir thing sounds great. I try and clean 1-2 rooms in the house everyday so my complete Saturday is not taken up by cleaning. My husband has to leave at 6 and I don't have to take my daughter to school and go to work till 7:55. So I get up about 5:45 take shower to wake myself up and try to either unload dishwasher, washing machine or dryer. I then take a little time on the computer and try to pick up a few things as I walk through the house to get daughter up and myself ready for work. When you feel you are going to grab candy or make bad eating choices try to drink a big glass of water really fast and just keep telling yourself you are trying to lose weight for yourself and not to let anyone sabotage (sp?) it !!! I hate drinking water but I put some lemon in it and guzzle it when I am tempted and it helps sometimes I can not tell you it helps all the time.

[hoodj0080]

Poor thing! I don't know you and I'm new to the website, but I'm giving you a mental hug right now! Although I don't have kids, I stay busy with a full time job and being a full time college student. I write to do lists all the time. That way I know what needs to be done. Even if I don't do everything on the list, it still calms me down to see what needs to be done, because then I know I didn't forget something. How old are your kids? Do you have any relatives near by? What about hiring a teenager in your neighborhood to come in and help you clean on Saturdays? It'd be cheaper than hiring a cleaning lady and it'd give you a break.
By the way, at my house when my Dad doesn't want my mom's diet food for dinner, there's a jar of peanut butter in the pantry with his name on it...

[4myloves]

Um,hmmm...

Your life sounds a lot like mine with one MAJOR exception----

And my MIL wonders why I'm not in a hurry to have kids.

[BerkshireGrl]

I have two names for you

* Fly Lady
* Super Nanny

The first has a website, the second a book and heck, maybe you can get SN to come to your house for a show!

[tearjerker]

Thanks all, sorry it took so long to reply..but the venting did help and, even though the house is still a mess...I do feel better.

hoodj: my friend comes and helps me clean all the time, but it does no good because my babies and dh have it looking like a tornado came through by the next day.

chicky: my babies are 2 (on the 16th) and 5 mos. I do "try" to get the 2 year old to help some to teach her how to clean...the 5 mo. old I think is still a bit young

Berkshire: I might check out fly lady...but I don't think super nanny will come to my house It's not NEARLY as bad as the other families they portray...I just need the nanny for the BIG Kid...(dh)

[Arian]

oh honey!

I'm not sure what to say! I know my mom felt that way when both she and my dad were working while I was in high school. I was hard, but my brother and I were older, so we could help out. I wish I could come and help!

[lucky]

I'll tell you what I finally figured out about my life. It may or may not click with you, but if it does maybe it will help.

I read your post and remembered feeling JUST like that. I drove myself crazy. Then I realized that I had a certain image in my head that I thought my husband, family, house, and I should be. I had recently left my job to stay at home with my then 4 year old and 2 year old twins. I just KNEW that was going to solve all my problems. More time to handle the basics like laundry and cleaning, right? Nope. In fact, I find I have LESS time than when I worked (at least I had a lunch hour back then to run errands without having to wrestle three kids out the door). And the house is messier than ever because we are actually here during the day. Like yours, my husband was awesome most of the time but when he bugged me - he REALLY bugged me.

So, I stopped and evaluated my situation. My problem wasn't my husband's lack of invlovement (like I said, he helped out more often than most men do). No, it was MY need for perfection. It wasn't so much that I needed the house to be in perfect order for me but because I felt as though such things reflected on how good a job I was doing as a wife and mother. So, I learned to relax my standards a bit and my life got a lot less frustrating. I don't let my house get out of control - but I don't freak out because toys occasionally build up in the den. And, you know what? Every once in a while when I'm just beat and DH is too the kids just might have to go to bed dirty. It hasn't killed them yet. LOL. Changing my attititude that everything needed to be just so and that my DH should be doing things a certain (read: MY) way made me a much happier camper.

More than that, though, what has really turned my frustrations around is that I don't EXPECT my husband to do certain things on his own. If I need something done, I ask. I and I give very specific instructions if I need it done a certain way. Since your husband is already helping out on his own I assume he would do more if you asked him to step up to the plate.

Finally, I had to change the way I reacted to trigger situations. Like the car tag. I related to that part of your story so much. I would have felt the same way you did a year ago. Now, if I come in and the tags are just laying there I don't get angry. Instead, I just as DH to please put them on. If my husband thought I wasn't giving him my full attention I would calmly explain that I needed to wrap up my other three conversations and then we could sit down and talk (not long ago I would have blown up at him and screamed that I couldn't do everything at once and he would have been left wondering what the **** had just happened). And, now I understand that he doesn't always feel like helping out with the kids (heck, I don't always feel like helping out with the kids). But, you know what? He can pout all he wants to about helping out - as long as he does it.

[bbbabe]

Tammie, You mentioned your dh gets up at 5:30 for work, Does he get home earlier then you or is it you work different days? I was trying to figure it out, since at first I thought he was home all day long with the kids. i kind of related to him at the beginning of your story. I pictured myself through my dh's eyes(meaning I guess my dh feels the sdame way youfeel some nights when he gets home) houseis a mess, no dinner, kids are acting crazy(not yours,mine) and I hand them off. I kind of shut down whenhe gets home, I dont want ot deal with them anymore. Seeing your side makes me feel bad.
My dh leaves for work at 5:45 and gets home at 7pm, which mean he misses, the wake up , get ready for school the drop off, the all day with 3yr old while running errands and tryig to potty train, the pick up from school, the dreaded battles with homework, the afterschool activites, drs appts, dinner battles and and battles to clean up all the messes that they make. He walks in and they are getting ready for bed. SO yeah at that point I am like here you go! I know he has had a long day but I have had an even longer one and no I can't be a super mom and do it all. No I dont commute to work, work never leaves.

Like you I eat when I am stressed. Yesterday and today were killers. I have a 8 yr old and midterms are next week, Iam so tired of battles with him to do his HW and study, that and cleaning up with all of them

[tearjerker]

Lucky-

You are so right! But it's hard to hear him pout about it..but he learned it from his dad. Heaven forbid his mom ask his dad to do anything because he screams at her...and he does help out...he does a lot more with the kids and he does cook when he's home (when he doesn't want to go out...a real money cruncher there!) I guess the biggest problem is that when he doesn't get what he wants...he throws a tantrum and pouts, just like a kid. But, like I said, most of the time things are awesome. The only thing I would change really is his forgetfulness to pick up after himself...we're thinking he's add but he's never been diagnosed, but it would explain so much why he forgets to do things...he just gets distracted to easy. That, and the tantrums about not getting his way. He also doesn't like to be given constructive critizism because for him all critizism is negative and hurts his feelings. We've discussed that he needs to look to it as personal improvement and not meant to put him down in anyway. He had a very hard childhood...now it's becoming very difficult to overcome it.

[tearjerker]

babe-He works different shifts...this week just happens to be the 5:30-1...most times he works 10-7. I work 8-4:30 everyday...sometimes later. But, I always have weekends off, his days off usually come during the week...that is why that particular day he was home with them. So, I guess on the weekends he comes home from work and I'm still left responsible for 99.9% of their care when we're both home. But, on the days that he's home with them, when I come home from work I again become 99.9% responsible for them. It's unfairly unbalanced...but, then again isn't it for every mom? I'm okay with it in general, I just wish he'd take up more slack than what he does...but he's of the mind set that when he's home and not working, it should be all relax and free time for him. But, unfortunately, there's too much to do for us both to have relax and free time, so what he doesn't do, I have to.

It wouldn't be so bad if it was just slightly cluttered. But, it's so much worse. We have hard wood floors and they are constantly littered with toys mixed in with trash and dirt and dog hair. It becomes such a chore to remove the toys from it, dust them off the best I can, pick out any important papers that's been dropped or fell on the floor that no one picked up, and then sweep the rest up. It wouldn't be so bad if it had to be done just once every couple of days, then I could just either sweep or vacuum on the other days. It's like this everyday whether or not I've just cleaned. It truely looks like we live in a pigsty. It's disgusting. Dirty dishes clutter the living room because nothing gets brought back into kitchen to be washed unless I do it. Dirty diapers stack up in the girl's room until I take them to the trash...but, honestly, you should see his parents house...it is ten times worse...so it's all in how he was brought up. His mother told me once that it was easier to give up on cleaning then to clean up after her kids. My thought? Why didn't you teach your kids HOW to clean up after themselves? Then you wouldn't of had to give up cleaning your house because it would be a family effort. *shaking head* I didn't grow up in the cleanest house ever either, but my mom is just a pack rat with her crafts and they grew out of her room and into the living room...and then into my room after I left. It's crazy, but it was never dirty.

It helps so much when my friend comes to help me. I drop the girls off with her mom and she watches them while we come back to my house and dig in. But I just feel like cleaning a house should not involve a deep cleaning every single day. I just feel like I'm not doing enough to keep it up....but I also am too tired once the girls go to bed to wash dishes, do laundry and clean up the living room dining room bathroom and kitchen (we won't even talk about our room)

that is my frustration. I guess I just have to live with it.