I've been married for a few years now and I have to say, marriage is hard work sometimes! We have two children...the oldest is from a previous relationship of mine. I left him when my daughter was six months old because he was always up all night in the basement playing guitar, smoking pot and talking to his old girlfriend on the phone (his conversation was always heard loud and clear in my bedroom through the air ducts...idiot). The problem with us was from before I was pregnant...I was looking to settle down and he was interested in playing guitar, smoking pot and playing in bands. And talking to old girlfriends. I was just about to '86' him and we had one more good day and along came my daughter. I was so shocked that I was pregnant that I was in denial, thinking I had some dread disease and was going to die and the doctor told me I was PG....that's why I was so sick and missing my period.
Anyhow...I'm getting off track. I left my daughter's father because he refused to get a job because he was too tired after playing his gigs and smoking pot and talking to old girlfriends on the phone all night.
I literally had to get a babysitter to watch my daughter while he was sleeping upstairs while I was at work. Could have forced him to get up and take care of her, but I wanted her to be taken care of, not put up with.
Anyhow...I considered this relationship to be, not so much abusive as much as neglectful? Totally wrong to begin with? I did not stay with him because of my daughter because I already had a child to take care of and I didn't want to have to 'take care' of him, too? Does that make sense? We didn't have one shred of a common goal to work with? We never got married...I was seeing how things went once the baby was born. I gave him every chance to get with it and come to life, but he didn't want to 'sell out' by getting a job. Haven't seen him since June 2000...no child support...no nothing...but I'm pretty sure he's still waiting for the soul of Jimi Hendrix to inhabit his body and become famous. And living under a bridge somewhere. Or with a group of other musicians in a dirty ashtray of an apartment with amps for coffee tables and guitar strings embedded in the carpet. ~shiver~ ...memories....bad, bad memories of my surreal life back then...
Anyhow...now that I'm married to a MAN
...I've told him that we can argue and have spats and disagreements and things like that, but the only reason I would ever leave him is if he gets violent or abusive to either me or the kids...or joins a band. OR talks to his old girlfriends on the phone in the basement. But if he has to smoke pot occasionally, that's okay.
Not really, but worse things could happen. Anyhow.
If you want to get out of your marriage because you and/or your husband are bored or are looking elsewhere, then that is not a good reason to leave. You have to buckle in and remember that are not only a parent, but a grown up and need to leave a good example for your kids about sticking to a commitment. You need to work out your differences and rekindle something. Just my opinion. I get a real rash when I see kids being tossed back and forth between parents and living out of a suitcase. Both parents end up trying to make sure the kids are having a better time at their house and the kids end up spoiled (sometimes) or the other end when parents end up trying to regain their sense of self by going out all the time and the kids end up getting tossed to the back burner. It all becomes all about the parents, when they still have a job to do in raising some kids! If people tried to work it out more, they'd be setting a good example to their kids of how sometimes a relationship isn't all it's cracked up to be...things get old and the same old day seems to be being played over and over again and you get bored...but you made a commitment and you're overcoming your differences and making the best of the situation and you'll be showing your kid(s) how to turn it around and make it good again! Know what I mean?
BUT...on the other hand...if you are in an abusive or violent relationship...if drugs or alcohol are distorting things out of proportion or someone's been unfaithful and you can't get passed it...that sort of thing...you'd be setting an example to your kids that they don't have to put up with that sort of abuse when they get older, either! See, to me, it's all about showing your kids the right message. Once you have kids, putting yourself first is no longer an option...at least that's the way I see it. Everything you do in life has to be for the sake of your kids, in my opinion. What are you telling your kids by getting a divorce. ARe you showing them what they see in 95% of all Hollywood marriages?...you only get married until something better comes along? Or are you showing your kids that if you are getting beat up mentally or physically or abused in any way, shape or form...even financiallly...then you take your life back and kick that jerk to the curb! Even if he's your husband.
It all depends on why you want to split up if I agree with it. You can take my opinion or leave it. It's really up to you. Most of the divorces I know of ended because one or both of the people in the relationship got bored and cheated and I think this is terribly selfish to the kids in the marriage. I mean, these people are willing to upset their kids lives just so they can have variety?
It makes me think of the old Carly Simon song, Its the Stuff that Dreams are Made of...about a lady that was perpetually single and was telling a married woman friend that what she's bored with at home is what we, ultimately, are looking for in our dream relationship.
In short (sorry, I guess its too late for short!) if you want to leave because of:
Abuse = leave him
Boredom = try and work it out for the kids sake
Just my humble opinion. Hope everything works out for you and remember the one thing that would really make me thing twice...a visitation schedule to see your own kids. Having a court tell me that I'm not allowed to be with my kids on certain days of the week would make me completely mental. It would horrify me. Think long and hard...this is a bigger decision than the one you made to get married, I think!!
Good luck...Kris
Thanks everyone
