[knoxie]

At 34 I am experiencing my first broken heart in terms of a relationship and it absolutely sucks! We were friends for 6 years and together as a couple for almost 4 of those. The reasons were nothing terrible either had done, I guess we stopped communicating and misread each other's signs to the point where we officially 'ended' just over a week ago.

Man oh man this feels like a death. The pain reminds me of the grief I felt when my father passed away. I know I'll eventually be ok and that time heals etc. but in the meantime.....how do you stop thinking about it? I'm keeping busy, am back into my health and fitness, reconnecting with old friends and have tried and decided I'm not ready to date yet.

Aside from cliches about loving and losing, or one door opening when another closes....any tips? I am so sad!

[RunningWild]

I am going through the same thing right now. My relationship wasn't quite as long as yours, only just over a year long, but I have never felt for anyone else how I felt for him. Still, this is not my first time on this merry-go-round, which also definitely helps. I also know the clichés don't help a single bit at all, and can even make you feel worse instead. Here is practical advice and also how I do it:

First, what helps the most for me is to schedule time for myself to grieve. I write a journal daily, for an hour and a half usually. I don't actively think about what to write but just write whatever comes to mind, often it is good memories from amazing times we shared together that pop into my mind. I have found that writing them down and crying about them helps me release them, so they stop popping up randomly after that. Sometimes I feel angry, or disappointed or other feelings either toward myself or him, and those go in there as well.

Journaling helps me put the thoughts out of my mind when I don't need them, like when I go to the grocery store and am bombarded with memories from ridiculous things that remind me of him. I know I will deal with them later when I journal, and it helps my mind calm down about them. It gives me a tiny, but much needed sense of control in a situation where I otherwise feel entirely lost. After I am done I always feel much better, and I have a much better perspective on the situation.

I also meditate daily, for at least 15 minutes. I also find working out helps, even if it feels like the very last thing I want to do. If you have a hobby you have always wanted to try, do that, it will help you take your mind off things for a while. If you don't have one in mind and don't know how to draw for example, try learning how to that. Anyone can actually become good at drawing, it just takes practice. The feeling of progress will help you progress through the break-up, and feeling like you are accomplishing things on your own helps a ton.

Eat healthy! This is even more important now than usual. I have totally lost my appetite, and eating right now makes me nauseous, but I do it slowly anyway. This is very important! Junk foods like ice-cream and chocolate make you feel good for the moment, but you will have to pay it back in a short while by adding guilt or feelings of further loss of control to the mix of chaos in your heart and mind.

Do something for someone else every day. Helping someone else in need will make you feel better about yourself, and take the worries off your mind for a bit. It also helps you feel less lonely in your struggles. I guess today you are it for me, so thanks for helping me by letting me help you! Feel free to send me a message if you feel like talking.

Now I am off to my journal and tears!

[IanG]

I have come to learn that the worse things are in your life, the healthier you need to become. That is number 1. So you need to start by taking good care of yourself physically and emotionally. Physically, eat healthy and exercise. That will take you a long, long way in feeling better. Emotionally, you need the company of others. Spend time with friends and family, socialize as much as you can and (especially if those cannot work) join clubs and make new hobbies.

My wife of ten years left me two years ago and without these efforts, I would be dead in the water.

Looking after yourself is the key to healing and (hopefully) a new beginning.

[knoxie]

Guys thanks so much for sharing - it has helped more than you'll ever know. I would talk to friends at home about it and the usual chant is 'you can do better' and all the other cliches which don't help at all when your heart is literally broken.

I've been making video diaries since it happened - I am a writer by nature but feel I can't about him for some reason. I don't watch the really sad ones back yet but the ones from days I'm feeling great I do. I've been to one session of therapy so far which has really helped. What surprises me about this (again, first rodeo at 34!) is that there are pockets of time where I'm almost elated and feel great (probably when I buy into the cliches!) and then periods where I feel utterly broken. I had kind of assumed I would feel awful 24/7 and it's hard to get a handle on the timing of when the good and bad come.

I'm trying to stay busy as you both suggested but it's the quiet times I find the worst. We spent a huge amount of time talking/texting on the phone every day and suddenly I have all this free time.....to think about what happened and who he is with now! I've surrounded myself with friends and activities but it's still the moments before I go to sleep and when I just wake up that he has me.

[RunningWild]

I am really happy to hear that our posts have helped. Ian has great advice, and has shared more of it before in other posts too (I'm a lurker lol.) The moments before going to bed and the mornings are typically the worst for me as well, especially if I have had dreams involving him. I keep my journal by the bed, so I can write in it if things get overwhelming, which does help a bit. The video diary thing is a really great idea if you feel you can't write about him yet, and it's even more awesome that you have a therapist to talk to. You are doing all the right things, way to go girl!

Those moments, the little pockets of time where you feel elated and great, they will slowly become more and more frequent over time. They will begin to last longer, and there will come evenings in bed where you realize your mind has wandered to other topics without forcing it. Cherish the elated moments and do not feel guilty over having them, they do not erase what you two had nor do they invalidate your feelings for your ex. They are a natural and healthy part of moving on, a well-deserved breath of fresh air that gives you the strength to deal with everything.

Another thing you might want to consider, is to redecorate the house a bit. Just move furniture around a bit, it will keep you busy for a few hours and it tends to make me feel like I am beginning a new chapter in my life. Also cleaning all those nooks and crannies I can usually ignore (I'm a sloppy cleaner ) makes me feel fresh and better about myself.

Doing nice things for yourself is also a good idea. I haven't bought new clothes for a while, because I didn't have a lot of money to spare previously. I had some money saved up for a vacation with my ex, so I went and bought a whole bunch of new clothes to cheer myself up a bit. I have always loved bright, colorful clothing, but sometimes feel like I am too old for it at 30. I ended up buying a lovely pair of purple leggings, a pair of pink flats and a few new colorful t-shirts among other things. I love the way I look now, which has really brightened (heh) up my day both yesterday and today.

Really though, you are doing great with this and you should be proud of yourself!

[IdealProteinNewbie]

Ah, heartbreak...I'm also going through my first "real" heartbreak.

You've gotten great advice so far. As RunningWild said, realizing your mind has wondered to other topics doesn't take away from your memories. I thought I would never stop thinking about him and how sad I was but then I realized, "hey! I went 10 minutes without him crossing my mind, then an hour then a couple hours." I had little mental celebrations in my mind knowing that, yes, I can and will get through this.

I've heard all the clichés too, especially "you can do so much better." I know everyone's is trying to help but I loved him so that's a little difficult to hear.

Feel free to PM me!

[knoxie]

Thanks folks, you've been so kind. Two weeks or so in and I've finally got my mojo back! Not every day is sunny and there are dark times but for the most part I feel like there's no going back and I'm pretty ok with that.

What actually changed things for me was I wrote him a letter - I bore my soul about everything, the tough things I'd been through the last couple of years, how they'd changed me, how I felt (when I wrote the letter anyway) that there was something worth saving and he did reply with a long email which had some nice parts and some not so nice. The lightbulb was when he said he'd been trying to go for months! As it happens he just met a new girl so conveniently now he has something to 'go' to but I guess I realised it would have happened eventually anyway. For a day or two I had this awesome idea we should meet up in person to say goodbye (all this has been done by phone/email/letter as we live 3 hours apart) but my therapist said...what's wrong with leaving things where they are and him where he is? And the therapist is right - I was chasing 'closure' like we'd have some emotional reconnection for a half hour over coffee and I'd somehow feel better but no, I don't think so.

I am still in shock, hurt, feeling abandoned and kinda down on myself for not realising what was happening sooner. Maybe I'm sad he got to leave me instead of me leaving him. Maybe I'm sad that despite living 3 hours from here he's picked up a girl who lives here so now he's in my town every weekend with someone who isn't me (pretty sure he did that on purpose!). But whatever happens the person I thought he was and I thought I knew would never have done this in the way he did. His ability to be so utterly cold is mindblowing. My therapist said I had a lucky escape and on the good days I believe him

[Lunula]

All I can say, after going through a couple of heartbreaks myself over the years, time honestly does heal all wounds. DO NOT ruminate on it. Look back and see what you can learn from it. Look at yourself objectively and decide if there are pieces of you that you want to change - and do it. Don't do it to "get him back" or because he told you something was wrong with you - but no one is completely at fault in a breakup, no matter how much of a jerk one person is being.

I had my first major heartbreak many moons ago and I thought I would die. It took awhile, because I do ruminate, but that relationship taught me a lot about what I did, and did not, want to be.

Sorry if it sounds trite, but honestly, one day down the road you will have a day where you don't even think about him or the breakup, and you'll remember the next day and be amazed. It's all smooth-sailing then!

[novangel]

Don't fight it, allow yourself to grieve and in time it will pass. Keep busy and don't jump into another relationship until you are totally over that person. Rebounds never work. It's a process but you will make it out alive. Promise.

We've all been there. It's the worst feeling ever but looking back I realized I'm better off that the relationships ended otherwise I wouldn't be with my current husband.

Take care.

[Swinella]

I find something and throw myself into it completely. Work, home improvement project, craft project, walk until I think I'm going to collapse and then walk some more. Use the opportunity to funnel the hurt into your workouts, and when the time is right, you'll find someone new.