At what point should you stop trying with someone? (family)
Some people here know from a previous thread I wrote that last year I had a major falling out with my mom. She thinks I did something I did not do, and hasn't spoken to me since Nov. 2014. I have tried since then by: Sending something she had requested months before for Christmas, sending her a gift for her birthday last January (a set of books which I know she likes the author and the type of book but which my dad informed me she got mad about because something in the series name had her accusing me of being passive aggressive), she completely ignored my birthday in March (first time in my life she hasn't acknowledged my birthday), In May I sent her flowers for Mother's Day with a card saying I loved her. In all this time, I have not had a single communication from her. The only things that she has done that indicate she even knows I exist is in October she apparently asked my Dad how I was doing and in November my Dad and I both traveled to NY where we met and saw a bunch of his family in that part of the country and my Mom sent with my Dad a family Bible and a toy horse that used to belong to me. No note or anything. I asked my Dad if this was an effort at reaching out from her, and he said absolutely not that she had made a point to tell him I was NOT to call her. So I sent her a card that said thank you, and that I loved and missed her, and again, nothing. My dad said she appeared to be completely unmoved by the card. I've sent a Christmas present again this year. My mom is also behaving horridly towards my Dad which is really bugging me - he has cancer and she keeps saying things like, "I hope I die first so I don't have to take care of you." or "When you die, I'm moving to Arizona." Which makes my Dad feel like my Mom just wants him to die and be done with it. It's worth noting that my Mom has herself fought cancer (and won) and my Dad has had cancer twice before (and won). In another thread that I started about this situation, many people told me my mom sounds like she is either mentally ill or in early stage dementia- either could be true but she refuses to go to a doctor so it's moot. She is also an alcoholic but doesn't drink much these days as she prefers not to leave the house and my Dad refuses to buy her any booze.
So I guess here's my question. Being as how a year has gone by and she has made no move to reconcile, should I keep trying? Her birthday is in January, and I'm inclined to stop trying and not send anything to her for her birthday. I guess in a way I'm hoping that ending my efforts may wake her up to the fact that she is irrevocably damaging our relationship by refusing contact. On the flip side, she may take me sending nothing on her birthday as a huge insult (she's big on double standards) and it may make things worse although honestly I don't know how they could get worse than not speaking.
Part of me feels like I should keep trying indefinitely just out of hope and the duty of a child to a parent, and part of me feels like I should quit and let her see what she is doing although odds are she'll just decide I'm the one with a problem. Plus, every time I try and she doesn't respond I feel rejected and it gets me down. I went through quite a bout of depression about this last year. It's been better this year, kind of like a new normal. And the worst part is that there is a part of me that doesn't even want to reconcile any more.
Don't send her anything. A relationship, of any type, takes two people. You've tried to reach out, she has been unresponsive. It sucks to cut a family member out of your life, but at this point she has effectively done that to you. If she gets upset about you not sending her a gift, what is she going to do? Stop talking to you even more? She doesn't deserve a gift. A polite person would at least say thank you, and that's to be expected from just a friend or acquaintance. Move on, and focus your energy on other people who actually are able to have a relationship with you.
Toxic people need to fix their own inner issues and all you can do is protect yourself from them by distancing yourself. You have been more than kind to her considering the behaviour she has exhibited. Don't be angry, don't be sad, just be done. I think that would be the best course of action, but you know you and I don't. So do what's best for you.
Though to answer the original question...the point you should stop trying is the second it is harmful to you. It sounds like that point has already passed with you. You have been emotionally hurt and depressed. Never let anyone treat you poorly, family doesn't get a free pass. No one does.
Thank you, Skittlez and Kimminy for your points of view. Skittlez, your one comment is very similar to ones I've made to my dad- it's impossible for my relationship with my mom to get worse since she won't speak to me now.
My father and I had a major falling out when I was about 21 years old. We didn't talk for 2 1/2 years, he choose not to attend my wedding. We had some brief communication when my first child was born. Growing up I had always been a "Daddy's Girl" and the strained relationship took a tole on me.
After six years of nearly no communication I got a call from my aunt. My dad was being air lifted to a major hospital. He had had a severe heart attack. At the time my husband could not understand why I rushed to be by his side. I did it for myself. If he didn't make it I had to know that I tried and I did everything I could do to mend our relationship.
That is my advice to you. You have to do what you are comfortable with. Tomorrow is not guaranteed to anyone. If she were not to wake up tomorrow, would you be ok with the attemps you have made to mend the relationship?
Maybe a short letter, suggesting you agree to disagree. Neither of you has to admit wrong doing nor do you have to pint blame. Just try to start over.
My dad and I have burried the hatchet, so to speak. There will always ber some level of hurt, and our relationshi will never be what it once was. But I know I did what I could to make it what it is today.
I don't think it sounds like your mom has a mental disorder, at least not from what you've said. She's holding a grudge and she's holding it hard. A woman I know had this happen to her. Her brother was angry with her and didn't communicate with her for years and years. But she would also send him emails, cards, gifts at birthdays and holidays, no matter what. Years later, he reached out to her and thanked her for never giving up. They are now speaking to one another, and on pretty good terms.
People do this sometimes. I'm sorry it's happening with you and your mom. If you want a relationship with her, keep doing what you're doing regardless of a response from her. Don't give up just because she's not trying.
Sometimes there are people who poison your life, and that you should distance yourself from. But they are relatively few. If your mom isn't one of those people, I say keep doing what you're doing. It doesn't matter what she does; you're doing all you can do, and you may be grateful you tried later on.
I've read your posts from over the years and I absolutely believe she's mentally ill to some degree. With that said I would end trying to communicate and not send her anything for her birthday. It's like she's thriving off of you begging for her acceptance (very sick) and you can bet your bottom dollar that when you don't send something she will make it known that she's angry, turn the tables, and say that you are in the wrong. Be prepared to feel a false sense of guilt but do not respond!! Narcissistic people are extremely toxic, I know she's your Mother but you have more than done your part. I have said it before, cut ALL ties. You don't owe her anything. It sucks but there are some really awful parents out there. I know you said she's not currently drinking but she still has alcoholic behavior. You're not alone. I really think you should join adult children of alcoholics. I think you've been through enough...time to take care of yourself.
EagleRiverDee, I remember your earlier threads and how hurt your were by your mother's behavior towards you. I side with Novangel here and say you have done your duty. You owe it to yourself to take care of your feelings for a start. I believe that you are deserving of relationships that are not toxic, abusive, and one sided. Please don't send her anything for her birthday you have more than extended the olive branch here.
EagleRiverDee I know you're hoping for some sign that your mom still cares but at this point I have to agree that you have done all you can, I remember your older posts about this and I think you're allowing yourself to be hurt by her on an ongoing basis fueled by live and hope.
The truth is that your mother has committed the ultimate betrayal. Her foremost duty on this earth as a mother is to love and protect her children and she has failed miserably and repeatedly and in my opinion she should be jailed for this abuse. As a mother I cannot imagine making my child suffer like this. I agree with novangel and would warn you not to buy into feeling any sense of duty or guilt about this. Your pain about this will end but only of your own doing. By continuing to trust that she will reciprocate your loving actions you are setting yourself up for more pain.
I can understand that you worry about your father but he's made his own bed by enabling her to do this to you and should have left her long ago. As a parent he stood by and allowed this woman to hurt his child. He at least copes with her abuse better than you and should be left to his own devices with her. He does after all choose her over you.
I'm sorry to say such awful things. There is joy and love for you in this world, but not from your mother. Her birthday is irrelevant, do not celebrate it.
I remember your post from last year too. I said at that time she is mentally ill and still think that. There seems to be no reasoning with her. Try to keep in touch with your father, he is facing a rough time.
Hi
We do not know each other. But your words moved my heart. I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. Sounds like you have done a lot to try with your mom. My hope for you is that you continue communication with your dad. I would think that so much rejection from a mom would cause lots of hurt. Maybe the only person (other than your dad) you can help is you. Perhaps you already are working on healing those wounds. If not, you surely deserve caring healing, gentleness and love for yourself.
Maybe someday your mom will be ready, willing and able to accept your gifts. But for now, I hope you focus on giving to you and your dad. You are not obligated to give where your gifts and heart are so routinely rejected. This is my opinion and hope for you.
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I would acknowledge her birthday, Mother's Day and other occasions with a card, not necessarily a gift, unless you send something that you know she especially would like. Don't expect a favorable response, a thank you or acknowledgement of any kind. Do it just to show you have not forgotten her. Don't give her any ammunition to say that you forgot her birthday. Don't call, because that gives her the opportunity to say hurtful things. Just knowing that you made the effort is for you, that you don't feel guilty about it.
I had a similar situation with my mother. In the end, I just walked away. I felt that I couldn't handle her verbal abuse anymore. I thought I had to get out of the situation to keep my sanity. She died without my having seen her. It's been 35 years and I am ridden with guilt. I constantly feel that I should have handled it differently, although at the time I felt that I did all that I could. I should have taken my own advice.
I hope that you are able to find comfort in your heart. {{{{hugs}}}}
Sorry for the delayed response- I hadn't checked back in a while. This situation really weighs on me. Every single person who has offered advice I have thought the same thing. When I originally wrote the first post in this thread, I was relatively sure that I was going to just stop trying in 2016. But I am influenced both by my religion and a dream I had. I'm a Catholic Christian and this year has been declared a Year of Mercy and a lot of the stuff I'm reading lately about mercy runs counter to just cutting my mom out of my life. Also, I had a dream that my mom was pointing a gun at me, and so I pulled out a gun and pointed one back at her. The imagery became immediately obvious when I awoke- my mom's "weapon" is to cut me out of her life. If I do the same thing, I am using the same "weapon" back at her.
I decided to do what some here have suggested and just send a card. I sent it already and I included in it a note where I apologized for my part in our dispute. Not because I expect that to make a difference- I don't. But because it's the one aspect of all this for which I feel guilty- when she accused me, I got mad and yelled at her. The last words I spoke to her were words of anger, and then she hung up on me. That has weighed on me- I have so wished that I could go back in time and change how I reacted. Even if she had still chosen to not speak to me after that, I would not have had to feel guilty over that. I let my Dad know that I was sending it and that whatever mood she was in when it got there, to just give it to her. The last card I sent he intercepted because she wasn't in a good mood, and then it got lost.
But I've found that since I sent the card I've been agonizing over how she'll receive it. You wouldn't think I was in my 40's, the way I worry about my mom's rejection of me. I guess we never stop wanting our parents' love and approval.
So sometimes I think that for my own sanity perhaps I do need to stop contact. I don't know. The cards on holidays thing seems to be the compromise solution- I could buy them in advance, fill out every card for the year, and then just mail them when the date came up.
I don't know. The whole situation just stinks.
Thanks again for the advice, feedback and support. It means a lot.
Last edited by EagleRiverDee; 01-03-2016 at 11:21 PM.
Sorry for the delayed response- I hadn't checked back in a while. This situation really weighs on me. Every single person who has offered advice I have thought the same thing. When I originally wrote the first post in this thread, I was relatively sure that I was going to just stop trying in 2016. But I am influenced both by my religion and a dream I had. I'm a Catholic Christian and this year has been declared a Year of Mercy and a lot of the stuff I'm reading lately about mercy runs counter to just cutting my mom out of my life.
Hi Dee, I'm sorry you're going through all this. Have you spoken with your priest about your situation? He may be be able to help you work out how to act toward your mother in a manner that is consistent with Catholic teachings without opening yourself up to continuing hurt. Take care
EagleRiverDee, your story is truly moving and I suffer with you. I have had similar experiences with now former best friends, but to have this with a mother must be even more heartbreaking.
Throughout my life I have had 3 best friends, all of which ended up hurting me and causing depression. I, like you, am one of those people who will go over and beyond to fix things for others, make others happy and try to make others feel okey with me. With the last of these friendships ending, and the depression following it, I realized I can not keep this up. The only person you can ever control is yourself, and you can not control how others perceive you. All you can do is be the best you can be, if someone else can't see how good that is, maybe they didn't deserve you in the first place.
I don't know if she has a mental illness, but it's possible the alcohol has removed some of her sanity and empathy even if she's not currently drinking. Long term drinking can cause alot of damage.
You should obviously do what you feel is right, but don't forget about yourself to try to please her. Some people only want to drain you, and that energy is better off doing something that makes a difference and that makes you happy. Your happiness doesn't depend on hers.
At what point should you stop trying with someone? (family)
