Hi, having thought about it, here seems the best place to ask as I've always received and seen great advice being given.
A brief bit of background, I am in a relationship now for about a year and a half, I'm 24 and he is 25. It was long-ish distance so last summer we decided to move in together and he came to live with me (In my mums house). This is the first proper relationship for both of us.
The initial strain on the relationship was that it has taken him 9 months to find a job from moving here, which meant all the financial responsibility was mine and he got quite down not having a job as he has always worked before now. He has now got a good job which he really likes but I feel it hasn't made a big of difference to anything as I'd hoped.
When we first met he seemed very sweet and gentlemen like. I started noticing he has a very bad temper probably last spring, just if something small would happen he would fly into a rage (A glass knocking over etc). I don't do well with anger so it would often make me upset and he'd apologise.
My issue is more so now that we are living together I often feel like I'm walking on egg shells. We've clashed a lot of times, and by that I mean he's become angry about something (Nearly always something tiny) and I feel like he takes it out on me emotionally. I feel as though everything is my fault.
Our first big issue was me finding a LOT of pictures of naked girls etc (This was very much accidental), call me naive but it was a shock to the system as I assumed it was something maybe just single men did. I eventually caved and had to tell him how much it hurt me that he did this (As by now I had seen he was doing it very frequently), also quite often the pictures weren't just the generic type but just pretty girls all fully clothed. I've really struggled with my body image and he's very aware of this but it didn't seem to make a difference to him.
This issue carried on for months as I never felt right saying "I forbid you from doing this!" I felt he crossed many lines and more recently when I did intentionally look one more time whilst he was out, I found pictures of a girl we are both friends with amongst them all, quite 'booby' pictures... (They were from her FB)
I felt I couldn't carry on with this and we had a massive row (Our rows are very one sided as I hate confrontation and he gets very angry....) At first he was furious I had snooped on him, and I admit it was wrong. But in the end he seemed to see how much this hurt me and said he would never do it again and that I was free to always look on his PC for peace of mind etc.
I've been told to piss of and more recently been called a ***** and 'a f****** idiot'. I have tried to talk to him about how bad this makes me feel and that I'd never dream of speaking to him in such a way. We are both very different socially I was brought up to not swear whereas his parents swear a lot. So is this maybe just a difference in how we express ourselves?
I feel like he is also disrespectful to this being my mums house and I find that really hard to look past. He has a bad relationship with his mum and one of his sisters and I do tend to feel he can be rather misogynistic.
I'm really confused about where this relationship stands? I really do love him and I want it to work, but I've also often found myself wanting out because it feels unhealthy, I'm scared to do anything wrong and he's so hard to please.
I'm very much aware of my flaws but I feel like a lot of the issues we have are because of him.
I'm not 100% sure what I'm asking really just, this is my first proper long term relationship and I don't want to mess it up because I lack experience.
If you were me, would you stay?
Hi, having thought about it, here seems the best place to ask as I've always received and seen great advice being given.
A brief bit of background, I am in a relationship now for about a year and a half, I'm 24 and he is 25. It was long-ish distance so last summer we decided to move in together and he came to live with me (In my mums house). This is the first proper relationship for both of us.
The initial strain on the relationship was that it has taken him 9 months to find a job from moving here, which meant all the financial responsibility was mine and he got quite down not having a job as he has always worked before now. He has now got a good job which he really likes but I feel it hasn't made a big of difference to anything as I'd hoped.
When we first met he seemed very sweet and gentlemen like. I started noticing he has a very bad temper probably last spring, just if something small would happen he would fly into a rage (A glass knocking over etc). I don't do well with anger so it would often make me upset and he'd apologise.
My issue is more so now that we are living together I often feel like I'm walking on egg shells. We've clashed a lot of times, and by that I mean he's become angry about something (Nearly always something tiny) and I feel like he takes it out on me emotionally. I feel as though everything is my fault.
Our first big issue was me finding a LOT of pictures of naked girls etc (This was very much accidental), call me naive but it was a shock to the system as I assumed it was something maybe just single men did. I eventually caved and had to tell him how much it hurt me that he did this (As by now I had seen he was doing it very frequently), also quite often the pictures weren't just the generic type but just pretty girls all fully clothed. I've really struggled with my body image and he's very aware of this but it didn't seem to make a difference to him.
This issue carried on for months as I never felt right saying "I forbid you from doing this!" I felt he crossed many lines and more recently when I did intentionally look one more time whilst he was out, I found pictures of a girl we are both friends with amongst them all, quite 'booby' pictures... (They were from her FB)
I felt I couldn't carry on with this and we had a massive row (Our rows are very one sided as I hate confrontation and he gets very angry....) At first he was furious I had snooped on him, and I admit it was wrong. But in the end he seemed to see how much this hurt me and said he would never do it again and that I was free to always look on his PC for peace of mind etc.
I've been told to piss of and more recently been called a ***** and 'a f****** idiot'. I have tried to talk to him about how bad this makes me feel and that I'd never dream of speaking to him in such a way. We are both very different socially I was brought up to not swear whereas his parents swear a lot. So is this maybe just a difference in how we express ourselves?
I feel like he is also disrespectful to this being my mums house and I find that really hard to look past. He has a bad relationship with his mum and one of his sisters and I do tend to feel he can be rather misogynistic.
I'm really confused about where this relationship stands? I really do love him and I want it to work, but I've also often found myself wanting out because it feels unhealthy, I'm scared to do anything wrong and he's so hard to please.
I'm very much aware of my flaws but I feel like a lot of the issues we have are because of him.
I'm not 100% sure what I'm asking really just, this is my first proper long term relationship and I don't want to mess it up because I lack experience.
If you were me, would you stay?
I'm no expert but this sounds rubbish.
I wouldn't put up with any of this. Disrespectful and calling you horrible names! How childish is that?!
We should all be treated with respect and be adored in our relationships. I would definitely move on from this. You haven't been together for very long, longer you will wait worse it gets. (I don't known all your specifics, just talking from my own pervious experience) You are still very young and should not settle with someone who doesn't respect you, everything you have done for him and you seem very unhappy. You can't change people.
Sorry for being blunt, I just hope someone would have been as blunt with me in the same situation, would have saved me wasting 2 years of my life being scared and miserable x
I think the safest thing to do is end it... The explosive anger is something I just don't think is safe to mess with. I'm someone who can't stand yelling (stemming from childhood verbal abuse). I emotionally shut down, and judging by what you said you have similar reactions to me. I'm not saying he's automatically an abuser or anything, but I don't know his whole demeanor seems to shout "red flags" to me.
A piece of advice someone have me once that I think really applies here, is that what you pave in a relationship in the beginning is what you drive on in the future. I'm not saying that changes can't happen or people are hopeless... Heck this site is full of people making changes! But if the fits of anger directed at you make you uncomfortable and haven't stopped, it's not going to magically disappear over time. Its going to just be the norm of your relationship...
Really think about WHY. You say it's your first long term relationship and you don't want to mess it up from lack of experience... This can't be about what you think you'll be perceived as, or about preconceived notions of what serious and long term relationships look like. Does that make sense? Think about you, think about him... Are your long term goals going to mesh well? Are you both wanting children or not? If you do, are your opinions raising them similar? Do you have the same idea of where you'll live and career paths, etc. Your core values ultimately need to be similar.
I really don't subscribe to the notion of "experience" with a relationship. If that was the case, serial dating would build experience, each marriage would be better than the last and we should all constantly divorce for more experience. Each person we come in contact with is a different experience in and of themselves... Whathever kind of relationship it is it doesn't necessarily get better with "practice". You are and individual, he is an individual, this right now is an experience. You can't do something " wrong" from lack of experience in this case the answer isn't necessarily a right or wrong one.
Anyway, I won't pretend to be a guru. These are just my thoughts and opinions based solely on what you wrote. Take the parts that mean somethinfnto you, or throw it all out! I'm only 23 and recently married. I don't have all the answers, and I can't say for sure what you should do, only you can... But my opinion is that this relationship is not going in a healthy direction, and maybe both of you are better apart. You need someone that is more in line with your values and sensitive to your insecurities and who you are.
I wish you love and warmth as no matter what you decide relationships are difficult and messy. Sending prayers your way
Last edited by SenseAndSensibility; 04-17-2015 at 03:52 AM.
Life is short and you don't deserve to be treated poorly by someone who supposedly loves you. I would say end it, it seems difficult to do but you have to tell him that it isn't working out.
Like S&S says, this isn't what relationships are supposed to be like. I know I was naive in my first relationship and put up with a lot of crap but then I found someone who loved and supported me, and I realized that is how relationships are supposed to be.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Relationships are tough but they shouldn't be this tough. You're witnessing a lot of red flags and you should trust your intuition.
Try to ignore your feelings for a few minutes, long enough to sit and write a pros and cons list. Be really subjective and stick to the facts. Then, really sit with the cons list and ask yourself if you're willing and able to deal with any of the things on that list. Realize that there is not much you can do to change them because you can't change anyone. Then, take your pros list and move on to someone else.
Many relationships don't work out, it's part of life. But women tend to take on blame "I don't have enough relationship experience" or "I'm not confrontational" or "I know I have flaws too". It's like we almost think we're being unfair to ask someone to be kind to us because we're not perfect. But this guy sounds sort of like a jerk, you deserve to be with someone who does not curse you out or lash out at small things. You're in your own home, do you really want to be walking on egg shells?
Call it off. He will only get worse as time goes on. Trust me from experience here plz. Don't waste your life on someone like that! And to call you names and scream at you in YOUR MUMS HOME ? What a total lack of respect. He doesn't respect you, or your mum. OMG! Don't stay no matter what he says or however hard he tries to make you feel its your fault. This sounds extremely toxic and you seriously need to end it ASAP.
I am so sorry you are in this situation. Please read what you wrote here over and over again. You're right when you say it feels unhealthy, because it is certainly not healthy.
This is your first relationship. There will be more, hopefully healthier, happier relationships in your future. You do not have to feel this way, even if you do love him. Love isn't everything.
What you have right now is not what love looks like. Lasting love is deep communication and respect, even through flaws, irritations and anger. Your guy obviously needs to do a lot of work on himself to be capable of that, but it is your not job to stick around and wait for him to be able to do that. Relationships are not always easy, and even in the most loving relationship, there will be rows. Those rows will not look like what you have described, however, and you will not be made to feel like what you say you feel.
Don't sell yourself short. There is something much better out there that will come along, and your patience and kindness will be given back to you in kind. And even if that takes a while, there is no more exciting time in life than being a single, smart 24 year old girl who has life by the horns. I've stayed too long in a bad relationship before, and the only regret I have is not getting out of it sooner. That year after I left that relationship created some of the fondest memories I have. I love the marriage I'm in now, but that year of self-discovery... was amazing.
I hope you're able to move forward and get all the things in life you deserve.
I spent 7 years living with a hotheaded boyfriend whose anger was a source of near-constant stress in my life. After ending that relationship, I took nearly 3 years to just be single and re-find myself. And I echo what Song of Surly said, that time was the best and most valuable time of self-discovery I've had. I became (or realized I already was) a much more complete, interesting and fulfilled person than I had been. And I am fairly certain that I would not have met and fallen in love with my now-husband had I not had those years alone, because they rebuilt my self-confidence and enabled me to take big leaps and make changes that would have terrified me before.
So, it seems like it may be time for you to close the door on this relationship. More doors will open. Some of them may lead to fantastic new relationships and adventures.
You are living my past so I know you won't do anything until you're ready but since you asked - leave him. He has anger issues and a strained relationship with his mother and sister (huge red flags) that is being projected onto you because you are the closest female to him. You will always be his pissing post for how he feels about his family, it's actually not about you at all. He has negative feelings towards women in general. If you decide to stay with him thinking as time goes on he will change, and god forbid you wind up pregnant, prepare to have your life ruined. The verbal abuse only gets worse and will take a serious toll on your mental health. This is not what you want to hear but I don't sugar coat or rationalize toxic behavior. That's what I did when I was living in denial because "I loved him" and I can't believe what I put up with in my 20's. If a guy tried to treat me like that today I'd be in jail.
Sever ties while there's still no strings attached.
First off, hugs to you! Secondly, life is FAR to short to stay with someone who does not make you happy. Feeling like you are constantly walking on eggshells sounds like a red flag to me.
I decided to leave my first husband when I decided that I would rather spend the rest of my life alone than to spend another moment with him. And I'm SOOO happy that I made that decision. I now have a wonderful (not perfect, of course, but perfect for me) husband and beautiful son. If I had stayed, I don't know what would have happened.
Like Nova stated you will not leave until you are ready...that being said, please leave. I, too, was in a relationship with someone verbally and emotionally abusive and stayed much longer than I should have.
The anger will get worse, the yelling will get worse, it will all get worse. Please leave now while you have no strings attached.
He begged me to move in together and get married and now looking back I can see my life would have been pure ****.
It is not love when someone puts you down despite how much he tells you over and over again that he loves you. My self-worth and self-esteem was destroyed and it is taking a long, long time to build it back up.
Last edited by IdealProteinNewbie; 04-18-2015 at 08:58 PM.
In great need of some relationship advice
the answer isn't necessarily a right or wrong one. 
