Hi, first off I am a social worker and your situation is unhealthy but more importantly you need to make this decision, no one else can tell you how you feel. A relationship is give and take but must have both, often when we feel sorry for ourselves we tend to see only our side of problems and we tell others our side - when we ask others for advise it is our side of the story (I am not doubting or questioning your story), when we ask others it is a way of escaping what we already know and allows us to blame others if you regret it. You are stronger than you think, you know what you want and you do not need to be afraid of the unknown as life has away of working out (my belief) of what's meant to be will be! Trust yourself and love yourself! Good luck and I wish you the best.❤️
I know that guy, even though I'm sure yours has a different name than mine, trust me when I say they're the same guy.
I married that guy and was with him for a total of 23 years. He will never, no matter how nice you are, no matter how much stress you take out of his life, no matter how much older he gets, not for you, your kids, or because it's the right thing to do...he will NEVER ever turn back into the man you first met. That gentleman does not exist. What you're seeing now is the man behind the mask. He knows you well enough now to know how to get what he wants without pretending to be Mr. Wonderful.
Now you may catch a glimpse of this fictional character once you decide to leave and he figures out you're too strong for the self esteem destroying and gaslighting techniques to work. Then the sweetheart will make an encore performance.
I'm telling you run, do not walk, out of that show. Cause it ain't nothing but a lifetime of drama. Don't do like me and wait until you have a child for him to use to keep you in check. Don't wait until it takes calling the police and getting a protective order to get out.
It's rare on relationship questions for me to go from 0 to "dump him" but in this instance- Dump him. He's an abuser, and he's escalating. You also state that he has problems with other important women in his life (his mother and a sister) which is also a really bad sign. It's not going to get better, but it might get worse. Additionally, he's only going to lose more respect for you by you staying with him and putting up with this, and he'll just continue to escalate. You need to respect yourself enough to dump him now, before this mental and verbal abuse turns into physical abuse. And yes, I am speaking from experience- I've been there, too. And I didn't get out soon enough, and will always regret that. He's not going to change. Please get away from this guy.
Thank you for all your replies... It's nice to know I'm not alone, although upsetting to know so many people are going through the same sort of thing. This past weekend we ended up fighting again, as per the usual format of he gets angry, I got scared and went to a friends for a bit. He got really angry when I got back because he didn't know where I'd gone, but was apparently worried? (He tried saying if I'd answered my phone he wouldn't have got mad so this whoel night was my fault) He called me a f****** c*** (I hate just typing out that ) and kept yelling at me to get in the f****** car over and over. But I felt too scared to get in with him so I didn't in the end.
I initially felt really trapped because we are living together and he's building a life here and I didn't want to put him in a difficult situation. This is less the case now, and I think the real issue now is that I don't want him to go quite yet, because I still love him and still hope we can figure it out. One of my closest friends who is aware of what's going on, most likely through her concern and care for me, makes me feel pressured to just leave... But as you say it's something that happens in it's own time.
I think he's also quite against me talking to this friend about him, and to be honest I hate to do it because I know she's my friend, she's going to look out for me and think terribly of him. But sometimes I feel like I have to talk to someone about it or I'll go crazy.
He has said a few times that I paint him out to be much worse than he is, but I suppose it would be impossible to know who's right there. Maybe it's just manipulation or maybe he really thinks his behaviours not so bad?
He did say after this weekend that he realised he probably needed help of some kind, but whether he will be proactive in getting it is different. He's two totally different people. He can be so sweet and loving, but once the switch is flipped it's like I don't know him at all.
I know his issues with me are that I don't tell him when something is wrong, but I've tried explaining to him I usually don't feel able to with him.
He has issues with me talking to male friends to, although assured him they are very much platonic friendships (I respect and love him too much to even want to flirt) and we don't talk much. This bothers me as I feel there are a few girls he is friends with that he does flirt with, but it seems to be two sets of rules... But maybe I'm just wrong.
I always thought if someone treated you this badly it would be easier to just leave them.
Last edited by serendipity907; 04-21-2015 at 05:02 AM.
I always thought if someone treated you this badly it would be easier to just leave them.
Doing the right thing is never easy. But his behavior really is getting worse. He's being very controlling - he wouldn't be mad if you had answered your phone? That's about as controlling as it gets I'm afraid. He will slowly alienate you from your friends girls or guys doesn't matter, he's just as weary of both. He'll pressure you away from anyone who might say something negative about him to you. He's doing this already by making you think that you've "painted him out to be worse than he is" as if you're creating some false image of him. He'll continue to make you feel like you are responsible for making him angry, upset, or mean. He'll continue to drag you into his behavior patterns making you think that you are a culprit and responsible for his actions. It's kind of a classic case I'm afraid, I hope you don't waste too much time trying to be there for him before you realize its' time to get out. You will get out, it's just a matter of time but the longer you wait the harder it will be and the more damage will be done to you. He needs to move out asap.
Leaving someone who treats you badly is usually harder, for a lot of reasons, but just one of the most basic is that the more time, attention, money, effort, worry, and heart a person puts into having or repairing something, the more they love and value it, and the harder it is to let go.
It's just like with gambling, the more a person loses to a project whether on a money pit of a house or poker game, the more likely the'll continue to spend until they "win" or go bankrupt.
This is a situation in which you cannot win. The longer you wait, the more reasons you'll find to stay, and the harder it will be for you to admit to yourself that your Herculean efforts have been wasted. You will convince yourself that the good times are worth all of the bad, and you'll cling to the belief that you'll eventually be able to fix him if you keep investing even MORE into the relationship. You'll see Prince Charming potential in him "just around the corner."
To give him up, you don't need to be ready, you only have to realize that you likely will NEVER be ready. "It's own time," will never come until you choose it and the longer you wait to leave, the less you'll want to and the more dangerous he will become. Please don't wait for the verbal and emotional abuse to become physical.
Every minute you stay with him, the harder (physically AND emotionally) it will be to leave him.
You may not follow my advice, but there will never be a better time than now to end this toxic relationship.
I know how hard it is when you love someone. I've been there too. You might find this article helps you make sense of what's going on: http://issendai.livejournal.com/572510.html . It is a brilliant article, and helped me a lot when I was just out of an abusive relationship.
Another thing that might help you get perspective is to look up domestic abuse checklists, and also find lists for what should be happening in a healthy relationship.
The book "Why Does He Do That?" by, erm, Lundy Bancroft I think, is really excellent. And no, sadly, abusive partners don't change. If you read nothing else, read that article I linked to first, and that'll explain why he's sometimes lovely and sometimes not.
(He tried saying if I'd answered my phone he wouldn't have got mad so this whoel night was my fault) He called me a f****** c*** (I hate just typing out that ) and kept yelling at me to get in the f****** car over and over. But I felt too scared to get in with him so I didn't in the end.
<snip>
I think he's also quite against me talking to this friend about him, and to be honest I hate to do it because I know she's my friend, she's going to look out for me and think terribly of him.
<snip>
He has said a few times that I paint him out to be much worse than he is, but I suppose it would be impossible to know who's right there. Maybe it's just manipulation or maybe he really thinks his behaviours not so bad?
He did say after this weekend that he realised he probably needed help of some kind, but whether he will be proactive in getting it is different. He's two totally different people. He can be so sweet and loving, but once the switch is flipped it's like I don't know him at all.
I know his issues with me are that I don't tell him when something is wrong, but I've tried explaining to him I usually don't feel able to with him.
He has issues with me talking to male friends to, although assured him they are very much platonic friendships (I respect and love him too much to even want to flirt) and we don't talk much. This bothers me as I feel there are a few girls he is friends with that he does flirt with, but it seems to be two sets of rules... But maybe I'm just wrong.
There are so many warning signs here. I have to say I'm concerned not only for your mental/emotional health but also your physical health. These are typical signs of an abuser/manipulator.
They want to separate you from your friends, he portrays his anger is YOUR fault and then he acts nice just to convince you that he can change but he has no intention of doing so.
Like other ladies said, they don't expect you to leave him because it is hard but I would encourage you to take their sage advice and save yourself from much heartache and pain and leave him as soon as you can. You can only make yourself available to someone who will truly love you and care for you if you get rid of this man who is not good for you.
Things have continued to be pretty bad since, he got very angry the other day as I got home about 20 minutes later than him. I asked him why I needed to be home before him and he just continued to get angry at me saying I should have been there when he got in to greet him (I got home about 20 mins after he did, about 5:45pm....)
Lately he keeps saying he's really not angry he's upset but he doesn't know how to show it. He's made no other effort to get any kind of help either. I managed to speak to my mum about what's been going on and I feel like that and all of the support and advice on here is making it easier to see what I need to do.
I find it really difficult to look the same way at him now, he's called me too many horrible things and it's proving hard to forgive. I used to look at him so fondly and loved being in his company as he made me feel safe. Crazy how much things can change.
I'm thinking my plan is going to be sitting tight for another month maybe, and getting him to save up, I think then it's time to end it. He will probably stay with his sister, but he may not be able to stay at this job being further away, I don't want to leave him without financial means to make do on for a while. I'm not sure that's sensible?
*hugs* You're getting there, hon. It is really, really hard to leave an abusive partner. It's due to the nature of the relationship, it sinks hooks into you a lot more. The article I linked to above explains it well.
He's going to have to sort out his own finances, you can't tell him to save. This is partly because he's a capable adult and should be fine, and partly because you can't control what he does. Unfortunately he has proven that very thoroughly, and anyway, you can't control what another adult does. In a healthy relationship, you would be able to sit down and discuss saving, but that's not an option here. I mean, you can't even come home from work without him blowing up at you for no reason. I'm guessing that you're thinking that way because you are used to caring about him, and are worried about how he'll manage. Assuming there isn't something major you've left out (I'm severely disabled, and my ex-partner left me when I was dangerously ill and in and out of Accident and Emergency at the hospital, so that is NOT how to do it!), he will be fine.
Could you explain more about the finances? Would either of you end up homeless, jobless, or unable to buy food or access medical care if you were to leave now? What would waiting another month achieve in that respect, since telling him to save isn't going to work?
Leave when it works for you, although think about whether you are putting in delaying tactics that don't need to be there. That's very normal when leaving an abusive relationship, it does take time for many people, and not everyone manages it. If you have already decided to leave but stay for a while, he is likely to pick up on that, because it's really hard to hide. It is also completely miserable to do. And it can lead to the next problem.
One thing that is very important is not to hint in any way that you are thinking of leaving. Abusive partners do not react well to that news. Some escalate the abuse, and may go from just yelling a lot to being physical violent or sexually abusive. I realise you don't want to think of him this way, but it really is a common pattern and fairly likely to happen. The other way he may react is to suddenly become good as gold in the hope that he'll persuade you to stay. When that happens, it messes with the other partner's head, and the good behaviour never lasts. The first reaction sounds more likely in his case, though. What they never do is to stop being abusive. It sounds like you've already realised that, thankfully.
So don't tell him you're leaving. Make your plans in secret, clear the cookies on your computer so that he can't read this thread by checking your history (or anything else that shows what's happening, such as domestic abuse sites), don't leave anything lying around the house that gives him a clue. When you move out, do not let him know where you are living. Make sure you don't have any mutual friends who will reveal anything about your plans. You may need your friends to help, for instance if you decide to move everything out one day when he's at work. Having your friends around to help with that will make the moving go faster, and it will also provide protection in case he comes back while you're doing it.
This may seem like overkill, but you are much better playing safe in this situation. And if you were thinking that my suggestion that he may get worse, say violent or sexually abusive, is unthinkable, bear in mind that it is not even the worst case scenario.
Hopefully things will go as smoothly as they can, you will get out safely, and he will leave you alone afterwards. And then you can settle down, and it will probably be a mixture of relief and grieving for the loss of someone you loved, and all the mixed feelings that come with the end of a bad relationship. Once you are out, it is like getting out of prison, I promise you. Life suddenly seems amazing. Chances are you will even like yourself better, once you no longer have someone making you feel terrible about yourself. Your self-esteem and confidence will improve, you will feel more like your old self. And since you're talking about this in a weight loss forum, I bet the weight loss suddenly becomes easier too.
Best of luck, and congratulations on making the decision to leave. You're doing the right thing.
I am going to echo everyone else and tell you that you really ought to leave him.
Sometimes, couples can go to counseling and work things out. Some things, like men keeping a stash of porn photos or videos, just need to be overlooked if they don't lead to a lack of intimacy. Occasional fighting is normal. What you are describing is NONE of these.
You are not worthless, you are not helpless and you are not unloveable. You are stronger than you believe today, and once you are able to get away and really see yourself, you will know that this situation is all wrong and you deserved NONE of it.
Unfortunately, since you're both living in your mother's home, leaving in secret may not be realistic.
It may seem harsh, but I agree that advanced notice may only make things worse. I would suggest that you contact a women's shelter or abuse hotline for advice on how to get him out.
At the very least, I would suggest having several male friends, relatives, or even the police on hand, when you and/or your mother tell him to leave.
Hi again, splitting up won't leave either of us without means. He would have to move about 1.5 hours away back home. I know his sister (The one he likes) has space and has said he can always stay with them. He has no real 'home' as his parents split and re married etc. Moving so far way he probably couldn't keep this job long term and he has a few bills, but nothing too major. He is in good health and we are in the UK so health cares free.
I have been making sure I delete my history etc, and any texts from friends as he does go through my phone.
I have every intention to stay at home, although due to very recent developments my mum is moving, though staying local. She's happy for me to move with her and rent here is much too expensive for me. The idea of moving is a bit unsettling but it might prove to be a fresh start.
Really at this point I just want to get it over with. I always feel blue and down and I know it's this situation. It's frustrating as I was in such a good place when this relationship started, now I barely recognise myself and permanently feel worthless.
Somehow as much as I know I can be happy and independent without him because I used to be, the thought of him going also feels me with dread because I think I'm so lacking in confidence now, how do I carry on again.
I'm kind of hoping that breaking up will be good for him too, I keep thinking how can he be happy when I'm so miserable in the same relationship?
Really at this point I just want to get it over with. I always feel blue and down and I know it's this situation. It's frustrating as I was in such a good place when this relationship started, now I barely recognise myself and permanently feel worthless.
Somehow as much as I know I can be happy and independent without him because I used to be, the thought of him going also feels me with dread because I think I'm so lacking in confidence now, how do I carry on again.
I'm kind of hoping that breaking up will be good for him too, I keep thinking how can he be happy when I'm so miserable in the same relationship?
A sure fire reason to let go of this relationship.
Look, you're feeling unsure right now about what the future holds but ultimately what you're doing is making an empowering decision. There will be strength that comes from that! You have no idea what you're capable of, but you're about to find out big time, this is really very exciting and we're all here rooting you on. Just think of how many women are reading this in silent misery, stuck in relationships that deplete them of their energy and confidence, and what they can learn from seeing a strong woman such as yourself break through it and reclaim her life!
I hope you follow through and tell this abuser to get out.
You can ask for a police presence when you do it. Explain that it's due to his abuse and your fear of him, because otherwise they may tell you that you legally have to give him notice (same as a landlord would) but in cases of abuse I don't believe that's required.
Or as another suggested have several men from your family/friends around to help in case things get out of hand.
) and kept yelling at me to get in the f****** car over and over. But I felt too scared to get in with him so I didn't in the end. 
