So my fiance is ticked off at me, he says I'm overreacting about something. I'm curious what other folks think.
Our neighbors are an older couple and their daughter and her kids are visiting from out of state. Their daughter went to high school with my fiance (everyone here is in their 40's, fwiw) but they were not friends. And yet, yesterday she private messages my fiance from a social networking site and says how bored she is and is there anything to do and do our dogs bite? And it sounded for all the world to me that she was tossing a not-so-subtle invitation out to my fiance that she wanted to come over. Note that she does not know me at all but she knows my fiance is in a long term relationship and she has seen me puttering around the yard. And I got ticked off- at her, not at him. I just felt what she did was inappropriate. She's divorced, not married, and I don't feel like it's appropriate for her to send a message like that to my fiance, especially since they are not friends but only acquaintances from being in high school together 25 years ago. I definitely would never do something like that.
He says I'm completely over-reacting and that my reaction makes him feel like he can't have any women friends. Which is hyperbole since he plays on a co-ed volleyball team and has women working with him at the office and I never say a word about that. But they aren't sending him private messages wanting him to know how bored and available they are. I never accused him of doing anything inappropriate and my anger was directed at what she did, not anything he did. And yet he's very defensive. Which I find to be a bit concerning, to boot. He was still angry with me this morning about it. And I feel really uneasy about how defensive he is, although there is no question in my mind that nothing has happened between he and her (or he and anyone, for that matter). I'm naturally a suspicious person, so not the type to have blinders on- far more likely to think something is happening that isn't than to think nothing is happening when it is.
So since people who aren't involved in a situation generally see things more clearly than those who are- am I justified in thinking she was out of line, or is he right that I'm over-reacting?
I would have had the same reaction. No way could a casual high school acquaintance over social media fish for an invite without trying to obviously include you be alright. It would look shady to me even if it was innocent. It would seem that she only sees that he is unmarried to even hint for an invite this way.
could be innocent, could be she is sending out feelers. tough call, but I would probably give her the benefit of the doubt. She is just visiting right? hopefully not a long term problem!
I think you both over reacted TBH. Sounds like your comment brought up some unrelated emotions in the fiance, specifically that he feels as though he can't have female friends. Maybe get to the bottom of that once you've both cooled off.
NNS- you may have a point there. He did say something later that about a thread on my social networking feed where a male friend had commented on my feed and said how I was a hypocrite because I have male friends. I said it wasn't quite the same, because that guy is gay, which my fiance knows but I don't think he connected the guy's profile with who he is in real life and so he may have been reacting with some jealousy there. He looked abashed when I reminded him that this particular guy friend is gay.
Assuming your fiance shut her down, or has no intention of talking to her privately again, I'd feel the same way as you...mad at her, but not him. Age does make a difference here, IMO. I think ifyou were all in your 20s, maybe, maybe, a little lack of judgment on her part...but by 40s (I'm 34) I think everyone's been around long enough to know that's disrespectful. I don't think you over reacted at all.
Her intentions don't really matter if he's not interested. What confuses me is why he's getting mad at you for getting mad at her. How does you getting mad at her affect him in a negative way for him to have that reaction toward you? As you said, you've not made an issue of the women on his team or at his work, so I don't understand what he has to be angry about.
You are not over-reacting. And God knows why he is reacting like that. He's gonna fall on his ar$e unless he comes around to your way of thinking and quick!
Good on you.
The bottom line is he is your fiancé and you are pissed off (with something within his control). He needs to fix that. And not get mad.
I once accepted a friend request on Facebook (didn't even exchange a message) from an ex-girlfriend and my (now ex-)wife went f@cking nuts. So I unfriended the ex. Quickly. That's the baseline.
Hmmm I guess I'm the opposite, I think you did overreact. I don't think that reaching out to a an old acquaintance is strange in any way considering she's just visiting, is bored and wants to connect. Unless she said "hey if your wife's gone let me come over and let's make out" then I don't see how she could do anything wrong. But still, I wouldn't be mad at her even if she did that. She's a stranger to you. The only person that matters is the husband. But since I trust my husband completely I just can't imagine having a problem with this, I'm trying to put myself in your shoes and I can't see the problem.
The truth of the matter is that if a person wants to cheat they're going to whether you're there to stop them or not. You can't control other people even if you're married to them. Limiting a spouse's social interactions can't and won't lead to anything good in the marriage, it only creates trust issues. I don't want to be policed, by anyone, especially by my husband.
It's interesting to see how we all look at things so differently! I took her questions to be kind of innocent. Just asking someone she went to high school with what there was to do in the town. Asking if your dogs bite made me wonder if she's concerned about letting her children play outside.
Asking if your dogs bite made me wonder if she's concerned about letting her children play outside.
That shouldn't have been a concern- we have a 6' chain link fence. The only reason I can imagine it being a concern would be if she planned to come into our yard through the gate- we have a close relationship with her parents and specially installed a gate between our yard and theirs so we could visit back and forth. But the gate stays shut and locked with a carabiner when we're not using it and the dogs can't open it. Additionally, my dogs *never* go outside without one of us out there with them. I don't want to be "that neighbor" that allows their dogs to bark or otherwise misbehave. So I'm always out with them, or my fiance is.
Last edited by EagleRiverDee; 06-26-2015 at 06:41 PM.
That shouldn't have been a concern- we have a 6' chain link fence. The only reason I can imagine it being a concern would be if she planned to come into our yard through the gate- we have a close relationship with her parents and specially installed a gate between our yard and theirs so we could visit back and forth. But the gate stays shut and locked with a carabiner when we're not using it and the dogs can't open it. Additionally, my dogs *never* go outside without one of us out there with them. I don't want to be "that neighbor" that allows their dogs to bark or otherwise misbehave. So I'm always out with them, or my fiance is.
I wish my neighbors would be as considerate with their dogs as you! They let their pups out on their own all the time and our yards aren't fenced. I take a walk every day and feel very nervous when they start barking and running all around me. One neighbor told me her dog is a biter.
So I think that social media makes people more comfortable with acquaintances? I know that my 20th class reunion came up and I ended up friending people from high school on Facebook, even though I didn't go to it. I know a lot of people hung out when they were in town together even though they aren't people that are friends or know eachother closely. My guess is that she quasi knows him, maybe she is trying to be friendly with someone that is around her own age and figures since you are right there and know her parents, maybe it is a chance to talk to someone who isn't her parents or her kids.
Am I overreacting? Relationship issue.
