Sorry guys, I know I've been posting a lot lately. THere's been a lot of stuff going on lately that I wish I could talk about to friends. Several of my friends have moved away in the last year and I really only have one close friend left in my area. And she's always busy... so I come here. Hope my posts don't annoy anyone.
Last night my boyfriend and I were on skype talking. There was a little bit of friction in the conversation... Even though we resolved it, I still feel awful and can't stop thinking about it.
There is a job opening where I work that I was considering applying for. I told him about it over the weekend. Last night at work I talked to one of the other people who does that job (there are multiple people in that position.) And my talk with her made me not want to apply for the job. The hours suck, and it doesn't even come with a very substantial raise for the added responsibility. From what she told me it just doesn't sound like something I would be very happy doing.
I am happy where I am right now. The hours are good. The pay is good. The work is pretty easy. And I have a cool boss.
Also, last December I suffered from some pretty bad chemical exposure at work and had to take some time off. Now I can't work around certain chemicals. The job I was considering applying for would involve working with those chemicals. So, to me that's a definite no go right there. Even if I didn't mind the crappy hours and pay, I do mind something that's going to make me sick. ANd where I work wouldn't hire me for it anyway because I have a doctor's excuse that says I can't work with chemicals.
So... now that the back story is told. Last night I told him I wasn't going to apply for the job. I told him the hours and he agreed with me that they suck. I told him the absolute most I would get is a $1 an hour raise. And he was like, "Well that's a pretty big raise." He might think that, but to me it isn't. I tried to tell him it isn't for the added responsibility.
And (this is where tone of voice comes into play... I know I can't type it the way he said it...) he was like, "Ooookay." I could tell he wasn't understanding what I was trying to say. I hadn't even told him about the chemicals yet.
So I was like, "Well I'm happy where I am now. The hours are good, the pay is good and I get along with my boss."
He was like, "Well yea, but shouldn't you at least try to move up?"
I told him, "If you had a job that you liked, would you trade it in for a job you didn't like for at most $1 an hour?"
He said no and I said, "Ok then."
Then I told him that I couldn't do the job anyway because I would have to work around chemicals that will make me sick.
He told me I got really defensive. I apologized for getting defensive but I told him I felt like he was prodding me to do something I don't want to do just to make a little more money and money isn't everything.
He said, "Yea but you're always complaining about your job. I just thought you might want to move up the ladder a little. I was trying to figure out why you suddenly don't want to anymore."
Ok... I AM NOT always complaining about my job. I like my job. I asked him, "When do I complain about my job?"
He was like, "You say stuff like, 'I'm tired from work' and 'there's chemicals there that burn my hands.'"
I haven't said anything about chemicals since it happened five months ago. And I don't think he understands that work makes MOST people tired. He's never tired from work because he writes code for a few minutes and then goes and plays video games and watches youtube vids for an hour. We don't live together, but he is at my house sometimes when I get home from work, and there are nights when I am tired. But I don't see how that's "always" complaining about my job.
But, he tends to exaggerate things too. One time I told him "I don't even want to know how much I spent on cab fair this week." And he translated that into, "You are always complaining about cab fair."
See, to me, these things he calls complaints are just statements. Idk... maybe we have a different definition of complaining.
And also... he interned in college and set his own hours. He has told me that when he was interning he would come into work and do maybe 20 minutes of actual work, and the rest of the time sit and play games on his computer and get paid for it. After college he went straight from interning to freelancing. He now owns his own business and is his own boss. I don't think he has any clue what it's like for the rest of us who aren't our own bosses. He told me that when he was interning he had his own office and he used to sit in there and look at porn and then go in the bathroom and masturbate... and get paid for doing this. Yes, interns don't make much, but still. I think he's had it a lot easier then most people have in the workforce, and because of that he is absolutely clueless.
Anyway... we resolved it. I apologized for being defensive. He said it was alright, it's not the end of the world. But now I feel awful and can't get it out of my head. Seriously... I want to cry right now. Him and I don't argue very often, hardly at all. So when we do it hurts bad.
I think you need to relax. Every relationship has ups and downs and this is a very very mild bump. You can't get beaten up over things like this especially if it's been resolved. It's done, he's happy, you're happy, you have to let it go. I know when I've held on to things from the past, it generally causes an even bigger argument when I go be a nut and drag it back up. It's done, it's overwith.. move forward from it.
Some men are fixers. You wanted him to just listen but he wanted to help you to find a solution to your problem. There are many subtleties to our work experience that we can't fully express, and he may not understand that the positives outweigh the negative at $1.00/hour. You may feel that he had it easy with regards to work, and he may feel that freelancing is hard. It may just be that he doesn't express his frustration but works through the problem. Whereas you express your frustration and tread a little easier on the execution.
The bottom line is you are making the right decision. But he is trying to help you think through that (because you are talking to him about it) but is clearly messing up.
See, to me, these things he calls complaints are just statements. Idk... maybe we have a different definition of complaining.
I'll wait for a guy to pop into this thread and let us know, but I agree with this. I think men and women have a different definition of complaining. My ex used to ALWAYS do this to me.
He literally could talk about one of his complaints for an hour, maybe 1.5 hours if we were driving until I actually had to stop him and say "that's enough, I can't talk about this anymore with you". Super self-absorbed. If I mentioned my work, I would be able to talk about it for maximum 10 minutes (if I was lucky) before he would lose interest or interrupt me or just simply not give me eye contact and stop listening. Sometimes I wasn't complaining but just talking about it or trying to get his opinion about something. I had ONE argument with my coworker/friend "Tom" like more than 6 months ago and even though I had totally forgot about it, my ex would bring it up all the time!
Then he would say ALL I DO is "complain about my work" and that's "all I talk about" and all I do is "fight with Tom".
Really? No. It simply wasn't true.
In your case, all he probably heard was a simple equation "I can apply for this job that is $1 more an hour". And he thinks "ok apply for it". You gave him a "problem" and he wanted to solve it.
It sounds like you guys were okay in the end though. What exactly are you feeling bad about? The fact that you guys had an argument or the way he deals with your problems/reactions to things?
Breathingspace, what bothers me are a couple things. He was with his ex for three years and then never argued. As unhealthy as that is, I feel threatened by it. I have this idyllic fuzzy memory to compete with. What if he thinks since we actuaslly get into tiffs once in a while that something is really wrong with oujr relationship? The only thing he has to compare it to is a relationship with no arguments whatsoever... also, I am bothered by the fact that he thinks I am always complaining when I'm not. He even looked up the definition of complaining and read it to me as evidence that that's exactly what I'm doing. I don't even talk about work that much... but now I hear about how I'm always complaining about it. It just bothers me that its being blownm out of proportion like that.
It sounds like you guys were okay in the end though. What exactly are you feeling bad about? The fact that you guys had an argument or the way he deals with your problems/reactions to things?
The story made me really uncomfortable, because it sounded as if the BF wasn't listening. It also sounded as if he was blaming her for being defensive rather than taking responsibility for not being understanding. And it continued until she apologized to him for being defensive--which she wasn't, and even if she was, it was only because he was being accusatory rather than supportive. (google gaslighting)
It left a bad taste in my mouth--and I can understand why the OP is still upset about it.
I read a wonderful book years ago called Mastering the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense by Suzette Haden Elgin. Men and women are taught from a very young age to communicate very differently and I've found this book to be extremely helpful in my relationships.
Boyfriend and job issues... friction.
