Venting for my own sake here, so a bit disorganized, but if you happen to be a parent or over-scheduled individual who can offer insight/advice, it is always welcome and appreciated.
I realized today that the time I spend reading and commenting on 3FC is the only time I spend just quietly doing something I consider to be for me and me alone.
Since transferring to my school, and away from my sisters and established friends...I do nothing outside of school, work, and caring for the children/house. Being relatively new to the area coupled with my weight, non-traditional status, and busy schedule, I have not a single local friend. Well, other than my fiance, but he's pretty busy too! I never realized before how tough it is for me when I don't have my sisters and best friend around, they all have children and professional lives...and I can relate to them...I can't easily relate to the childless 19 year olds that dominate the university scene...most of them don't even know what a toddler is. JK!
In January I did begin to workout, typically by hopping on The New Year Treadmill or tossing the twiblings in the double stroller and heading out to pretend like I am a runner. So, I consider that personal time as well.
Don't get me wrong here, I love my kids to death and I don't necessarily require more "me time", but I question my decision to complete my degree when my kids are little. Sometimes I feel like I'm stretching myself so thin it's making me fat, haha!
The babies' bedtime is 8, but as most of you know...bedtime doesn't always mean sleeptime...and my toddlers are famously resistant to it...repeatedly scaling baby gates and cribs to ask for a second, third, tenth glass of water. As a result, the bedtime "routine" typically lasts from 7:30-9:30 including bath, books, and rebuttals. I then have homework to do of course, and am often up until the wee hours doing that...intermittently allowing myself a 3FC "break" from school-related writing.
I am very fortunate that my future MIL lives nearby and is retired, she offered to provide daycare for us at a much more affordable rate than a state-certified daycare. This is wonderful, except, as often happens when you make such an arrangement with family...I feel that I can't just directly tell her what I want...for example: I do not own a TV, I think they are a waste of money and time, and there is little of substance to be gleaned from watching them. We do watch the occasional documentary or movie on the computer, and the children are allowed to watch up to 1 hr a day, but only in Spanish to reinforce our efforts to teach them a 2nd language. My MIL is very sweet and loving, and I appreciate her, but she has cartoons on all day long. I've had my fiance mention it to her so as not to offend her, but she hasn't reduced their TV time. It is something that is important to me but I don't want to seem unappreciative of the reduced rate, or come across as condescending by telling her too much TV limits children's ability to concentrate and form their own ideas.
I often feel I miss out on being able to raise my kids strictly in my OWN way, which is why I question my decision to be in school. I miss my kids! I want to spend more time with them, and not with my nose in a book while they play at the playground!
That said...I'm more than halfway done...and "putting it off" would mean relinquishing substantial scholarship assistance (which requires full-time enrollment). I want to set an example of achievement for my kids, but I get concerned that it is going to take from their upbringing. I suppose I'd rather they watch some TV than watch me quit...
I've considered letting go of my scholarships to attend 1/2 time next year, but I feel I would be disappointing myself and my own parents.
^Note to self-mom was right about everything...even the part about getting your degree(s) before having babies. Haha! Well, life isn't always linear, it doesn't really matter what I SHOULD have done, only what I choose to do from here on out...which is to just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
It is all up to you, of course! But, I say, get your degree since you are ½ way there. I like when you said that maybe it is better to let your kids watch tv than watch you quit school.
You are still paying for childcare, so I think you can say what you think is best for your kids.
Ok, I don't know a thing about kids, so you got me there I've done working f/t managing a team in a legal office and doing a degree at night, so... The busy thing I get. It sounds like you have a lot going on, and are very organised about it, so I take my hat off to you for that!
My dad started uni when I was born. I remember going to his graduation when I was 8! I think now higher education is even more flexible than it used to be. I'll just throw ideas off the top of my head here.
Do your kids go to your MIL's when she looks after them? If so, is it possible for her to come to you? That way, you'd have the tv thing nailed right away. Even (if you study on campus) so you can work late at the uni, say until 10-11, so she would have to be there so the kids can go to bed at 8, but do this less nights, so you get a few long stints of uninterrupted study time a week, and a few full nights off to spend with the kids?
Also, with your scholarship, is it possible to do a year's deferment, and take a year out to get some breathing space and family time, maybe even read up on the coming year's coursework so you've got a head start when you go back the following year? To get round the having to do full time thing? Also, a year off would give you time to find your way around socially and get to know a few people
Is there a university crèche where you can take your kids while you're studying? I believe there is at the uni I went to, and they might do student rates too. Then your kids could make some little friends too while you're off studying
For what it's worth, it doesn't matter to me one bit that my dad took 8 years to complete his degree. I think that perseverance rubbed off on me a bit, and I remember standing at his graduation at 8 years old being very proud of him Especially because by that age I was old enough to know what a degree was, and why it was a good thing to have I still have the photo of us outside the ceremony. I'm starting a new degree in Oct p/t that will take 5-6 years, and when I eventually graduate, I'll be sending him a framed copy of it. And to be fair, by that point, it'll have taken me 20 years between starting uni the first time at 18, and actually graduating, and I don't even have any kids! 20 years is a bit much
Whatever happens, you are doing a brilliant job, you just have a lot of plates in the air at the moment. I would say as well though, don't miss out on the scholarship if you need it, if you can avoid doing so. Working 6 days a week alongside a full time uni course just to pay rent was enough to put me out of uni altogether the first time. Jobs always take up more time than you expect, you know?! Scholarship, definitely a good thing!
Good luck with it all! At least the summer holidays should be coming up soon, so hopefully you'll have a bit of room to manoeuvre
But you are paying for childcare, so I don't see where the need to please her comes in. If you're already paying for childcare why not take them somewhere where they will respect your wishes? When it comes to MIL it can be very tricky because they don't just feel like they're helping take care of them, they feel like they have a hand in raising them. Her house, her rules. Personally this is the reason why I don't leave my toddler with my MIL, she's never really adhered to what I want her to do with my kid so I try to avoid her babysitting altogether if I can. Just last week I had to drop him off for a couple of hours and brought with us some of his books that he loves and she said "he doesn't need no stinkin books!" and the tv came on immediately. I also brought his milk that I like to give him right after lunchtime before he goes down for a nap and she refused to give it to him, claiming that it interferes with his digestion. Whatever, I didn't want to argue because it was just a couple of hours out of our lives but I certainly am not willing to make it a daily struggle.
School is important. It will be done and over with before you know it and you'll look back and be amazed that you were able to do it. Just get it done and you won't regret it.
You can't have it all. Either you pay for what you want or you save money and get what you get.
You cannot tell your MIL what to do in her house when you are taking advantage of the reduce cost. That's the price you pay when you ask somebody in the family to watch your children.
Usually, family members won't listen to you unless there is a medical reason to do so, like food allergies or pet allergies. But other than that they say yes to your face and turn around and do what works for them.
That's the number one reason why I stopped working and decided to stay at home, because I didnt want anyone else raising my kids. They will have their own way of do it and you are not going to change it. You can try, but most likely you will offend her if you keep telling her how to raise your children.
I always say that kids are small for such a short period. No degree or job will ever give me the satisfaction that my kids gave me. I do have to say that I was fortunate enough to have a husband that was able to afford for me not to work.
First of all, in case you don't hear it enough, you are doing an AMAZING job and deserve a huge pat on the back for all you are accomplishing in your life!
I too was a non-traditional student. I returned to college when I was 30, my kids were in first grade and kindergarten. I'm so thankful that my MIL & FIL provided child care from the time my kids were infants (I worked full time before going back to school). I can't say that we always saw eye-to-eye on everything, but I knew that having my children cared for by people who loved them was more important than any disagreements we had about the day-to-day care.
My kids are teenagers now and still have a very close relationship with their grandparents. My 17 year old son drives to grandma's house every morning before school because she packs him a lunch (he's a notoriously picky eater, and while I don't tailor what I prepare to his tastes, grandma does). Sometimes she even surprises him with a hot breakfast. He also goes over after school on his early release day to take care of their lawn and any other odd jobs around the house they're getting too old to take on and will stay for dinner.
I guess I just always felt like if I couldn't be home with my kids, at least they were with someone who loved them as much as I do. I knew they would always be safe, because MIL is even more paranoid than I am. Did she let them watch too much tv? Yes. Did she buy them too many toys? Yes. Dd she give in to my son's terrible eating habits? Yes. Did she have the tv on Fox News all day on 9/11/01 with my kids there, yes. My kids learned early on that there were different rules at home and at grandma's house. She was always a stay at home mom who did everything for her kids (when I met my husband he was 30 and she was still ironing his shirts...), so she did everything for my kids too. I was a working-going-to-school mom so at home the kids had more responsibilities.
In hindsight, I'm glad my kids got to experience both ways. even though i hated the frequent "GRANDMA WOULD DO IT FOR ME!". Tirade. i do feel like the benefits far outweighed the negatives.
You have to do what's right for you, but ask yourself will this issue be important to you (or your kids) in 5 years? 10 years? 20 years?
I'm so thankful that my MIL & FIL provided child care from the time my kids were infants (I worked full time before going back to school). I can't say that we always saw eye-to-eye on everything, but I knew that having my children cared for by people who loved them was more important than any disagreements we had about the day-to-day care.
I guess I just always felt like if I couldn't be home with my kids, at least they were with someone who loved them as much as I do.
I've been there, done that. My kids are adults now but I did several degrees while they were small. The added income from my degrees has made a big difference for my family and I don't regret having done that at all. Although it was very tough at the time.
As for your MIL letting them watch too much TV, personally I don't think that is a huge issue. They don't watch TV at your house and you know they are in a safe secure environment and are building up a good relationship with their grandmother. From your description they sound like active kids so are likely not sitting and watching for long periods.
In an ideal world you should be able to talk to her about it and if she wouldn't get upset I would bring it up with her. Just say you don't let the kids watch TV at home and maybe she could restrict how much they watch at her house to make it a treat rather than a habit. But if she would be upset, I think the kids are still getting more being with her than they would taking them somewhere else. Perhaps if she doesn't want to turn it off she may be willing to be more selective of what she has it turned to. Many children's shows are quite educational.
She may be like my husband. He turns the TV on when he gets up in the morning and doesn't turn it off until he goes to bed. To him it is just something going on in the background and he does not really focus on it. I never turn the TV on when he is not at home and turn it off when he leaves the room but to him it seems essential even if he is not paying much attention to it.
I guess you have to ask yourself just how much the tv bothers you... I agree, it's MIL's house, so she's going to do things pretty much her way. In fact, no one is going to do things exactly as you would. After having my son, I generally take the attitude of "whatever works, so long as my son isn't in danger". It also depends on how much money you're saving.
I'm actually kind of shocked that you're paying MIL at all - it's her grandchildren for goodness sake! Maybe it's cultural or geographic, but in my family my aunts and nana "babysat" me all the time, without charging my mom anything. My mom babysits for me (when she comes to visit, she lives 4 hours away) without asking me to pay her. She counts that as quality time she gets with her grandson. I don't mean to be judgy, but it struck me as odd. Sorry, I'm getting a little off topic...
Anyway, kudos to you for juggling it all. I stay at home full time with my son and I too struggle to find balance (baby time, husband time, family time, cleaning time, cooking time, errand time... me time?). Whatever you end up doing, you're going to be sacrificing something. You just have to pick which sacrifices you can live with!
Maybe the two of you could sit down for a nice cup of tea and "talk" how to raise these kids "together". Make her come up with creative solutions, like less tv
I'm actually kind of shocked that you're paying MIL at all - it's her grandchildren for goodness sake!
My sentiments exactly!! I am getting very close to grandma age () and if I were to be lucky enough to watch the munchkins, I would not charge anything and secondly happily oblige to the rules of the new moms!
I'm actually kind of shocked that you're paying MIL at all - it's her grandchildren for goodness sake!
I have to respectfully disagree. My mother watched my son for us for the first almost 3 years of his life, and it is a lot of work. A lot of days me and my fiance had conflicting schedules and she would literally have him all day. Even if she didn't, babies and toddlers are a handful and take up a lot of their free time. Besides that, my mother was looking for a part time job at the time, so we agreed that I would pay $20 a day or $100 a week for the whole week and she would stay home with him. Win win, so she didn't have to get a job, I wouldn't have to pay outrageous prices, she could spend time with her grandson, and I could rest easy knowing he was in good hands. That's just my perspective on it
To Lecomtes, I know it can be frustrating when MIL doesn't listen to what you want for the children. I think you should try to strike a compromise? I know you're probably thinking you shouldn't have to compromise because they are your children. Maybe extend tv time to 2 hours a day and see if she can agree to that, and send some other things over for the kids to do? Really, I think there is no better care for children than family. I had 2 different daycares when my mom moved out of state before I moved near her, and I never felt as comfortable as when my mom watched him. He got her sole attention, whereas there was 7 other children and one provider. As for your degree I think you should finish now, but ultimately that's up to you. Wow and kudos to you for being so ambitious and I hope everything works out the way you want it to. Hugs!
kellyb- Thank you, true there are worse evils in this world than too much tv.
Shiv-
"I'm starting a new degree in Oct p/t that will take 5-6 years, and when I eventually graduate, I'll be sending him a framed copy of it."....this gave me chills! I can imagine he will be VERY proud! Best of luck in your degree program!
Thank you for the ideas and the perspective. That story about your dad was just what I needed to hear , that there can be positive outcomes from the child's point of view. What a relief!
Great idea to ask my MIL to come here! I hadn't thought of that. I'm not positive she'll go for it as she has pets, but it's worth a try, and I don't think she would get offended if I framed the question correctly.
There is a brand new crèche at the university, and it is payed for by student fees! When I discovered it, I literally cried tears of joy! They are open 4 days a week and they limit you to 3 hours a day, but still it has been an invaluable resource.
I did ask about deferment but was told that for my primary scholarship only allows it for a single term in cases of urgent need. One of my life goals is to initiate a scholarship fund for student-parents that doesn't impose full credit load retention requirements on them!
At this point I am thinking, with the money I would save from childcare, I could maybe afford to take one class each term next year without the aid. That way I would still be making progress, but I could spend much more time with the kids. It's between that and blasting full-speed ahead anyway.
wannabe skinny- I can't believe she said he doesn't need no stinkin' books! Haha, oh my...seems like the world is full of fun MIL stories. I would take them to a daycare, but I have a strong preference for them to be with someone I trust 100% (which basically translates to family or a close gf for me), even if there is too much TV involved.
"Just get it done and you won't regret it"...Thank you...I'm going to keep repeating this to myself.
Cienoarge- I sure can't! Haha, especially when what I want is a cooperative family provider! That's an exaggeration actually, because my MIL is great with the kids, it's just the TV thing I get concerned about. That and missing my kiddos. The degree isn't so much for my own satisfaction as financial security in my case.
SuperHeroTeacher -cool name! "I too was a non-traditional student. I returned to college when I was 30, my kids were in first grade and kindergarten. I'm so thankful that my MIL & FIL provided child care from the time my kids were infants (I worked full time before going back to school). I can't say that we always saw eye-to-eye on everything, but I knew that having my children cared for by people who loved them was more important than any disagreements we had about the day-to-day care. "...this really resonates with me. Thank you!
I smiled when I read that your son drives to his g-mas everyday! I love the idea of kids and grandparents being close like that. Hopefully that will be one of many benefits to this arrangement!
patns- Thanks for your response, it is very encouraging to hear that this is worth the effort from someone who has had the same situation.
You made me think...you are right that the kids don't just sit and watch the TV, they often play, and grandma can be very engaging too(drawing/gardening/crafts/walks in the stroller)...which I am so thankful for...and she IS like your husband in that way, she even sleeps with it on. I can't understand it, but I do respect her preferences. That's why I haven't brought it up personally. I think she may have tried to reduce TV time when my fiance spoke with her, but it's an old habit so it creeped back up to an all-day thing.
Everybody...THANK YOU! Sorry, I don't quite have the time to respond to everyone right now as I'm about to head out...know that I really appreciate your thoughts. I'm feeling better about the TV thing now, it really isn't an "issue", and they do get a lot of positive interaction with their grandma to balance it out. I promised myself I wouldn't quit, even it if means taking one or two classes at a time and working more...so that's what I intend to do. Thank you for the wisdom and motivation.
I've been there with those struggles. When I was in grad school at night a couple days a week I also worked full time and had a baby.
There's always going to be the "what if I had done this" thoughts when you leave your child care to someone else for whatever reason. I feel guilty to this day that I left so much of that to someone else when I could have been there. (especially realizing later my son has autism)
Still, had I not done school then, I would have had to wait until much later in life. You certainly don't get less busy once kids get older and you have 5 million things in the evening to take them to when they're in school. My life is much more stable now financially too with the career I was able to get with my degree. It's such a hard choice.
Would it be made easier if you provided something to take with them to your mil's house so they weren't interested in watching cartoons all day? Maybe something like an ipad for kids that would peak their interest.
Mom-life and balance and MILS...oh my!
I've done working f/t managing a team in a legal office and doing a degree at night, so... The busy thing I get. It sounds like you have a lot going on, and are very organised about it, so I take my hat off to you for that!
) and if I were to be lucky enough to watch the munchkins, I would not charge anything and secondly happily oblige to the rules of the new moms!
