My boyfriend and I have been together nine months. Things have been fine for the most part. But today we had our first *sort of* argument.
I am pretty liberal when it comes to relationships... I don't get jealous about things that would upset most people. But even I have my limits, and today I had to lay down the law with him about something. Him and I talked early in our relationship about jealousy. I told him my ex husband loved to make me jealous and would just push things further and further once he knew he was getting to me. This eventually lead to him cheating on me. Then the relationship I was in after him was the opposite. If that guy made me jealous I never said a word because I didn't want to make it worse. And then in the end it backfired on me. He thought that me not being jealous meant just didn't care. And... he also ended up cheating on me. My bf told me, for the record, it's ok to tell him when I'm jealous.
He has 4 ex girlfriends. Three of which are his friends on facebook. Two of the three he still talks to. One of them I have met, hung out with and gotten to know. She is nice and we get along, she doesn't bother me a bit.
I also should add that a few weeks ago I blocked one of my ex's on facebook for a couple reasons. He was starting to ask me to go out and meet him places, for one. And, biggest reason, I know he makes my boyfriend uncomfortable. So I blocked him. I told my bf that if the shoe were on the other foot I would expect the same from him. He laughed and said, "I doubt I'll ever have that problem."
There is one ex of his who I would feel really threatened by if he still talked to her and especially if he hung out with her. She is drop dead gorgeous. He was with her three years and considering proposing to her. I know he had a past before me... But the thing about her is, she's not a very nice person. At least the way he described her didn't make her sound nice at all.
When she broke up with him, she was with a married man for a year. She has also wrecked relationships. She has no problem going after people who are taken. He is very anti drug also, and she smoked pot a lot, which he hated. He got really mad at her once when she called off from work and then went to where she works to buy pot from someone else who works there. She used to drag him along on activities he had no interest in and was miserable doing. She was so mean to him at times that she made him cry, which breaks my heart thinking about it, honestly. After three years together, and practically living together, she dumped him out of the blue because (and this is what he told me her reason was) she only had one day off from work and was sick and tired of spending it with him. Hearing all this makes me wonder why he was even thinking of marrying her... but that's none of my business. It's in the past.
So... today I was on facebook, and I saw he posted he was going to this event at a bar. A few other people I know were also going, so I clicked on it. On the list of people going, his name was at the top, then all the people on my friends list who are going... then his ex. He told me he hasn't seen her since they broke up two years ago. So, this was kind of a shocker to me.
I tried to figure out how to approach this... And eventually I called him. I told him, "Hey, remember when you told me it's ok to tell you if I'm jealous?" He said he remembered... And then I told him I am really bothered by him going out to a bar to drink with his ex. I told him I feel threatened by her being there and if he wants the reasons I will give them. He didn't ask me for the reasons. I said if I was going too, it would be fine, but him going alone to a bar where she will be doesn't sit well with me at all.
I pointed out that I blocked my ex because he kept asking me to go out and drink with him and I knew that made him uncomfortable. I started choking up when I said this. He told me to calm down. I don't really think I needed to calm down, but that's his opinion I guess.
He told me that he was invited to go, and excepted the invite on facebook, then saw she was going and decided he probably wasn't going. But he said he didn't feel right about accepting and then declining right afterwords. He said that would look weird. I don't see how, but that was his reason. He said he hasn't been in the same room with her since they broke up and he doesn't even want to see her.
So he didn't go...
Problem is... all night long at work, and even now, I felt awful about this. I feel like I handled it entirely wrong and I just lost some of his respect. I've been scolding myself all night... I didn't eat much and I've had a knot in my stomach ever since that phone call.
Past situations like this never ended well for me... I keep running all these bad scenarios through my head. Like what if he comes over here this weekend and dumps me all because I spoke up about something? Or... the other ex girlfriend of his that I know. She was going to the bar tonight too. What if she goes and tells everyone I wouldn't "let him" go, and now I am the bad guy in the eyes of all his friends?
Maybe I'm reading too much into this... Was it wrong of me to tell him this bothered me? Was it even normal that I was bothered? I mean... it seems like something that would bother most people but I am not a main stream thinker by any means.
Does anyone have any wisdom to offer? Thanks in advance.
It would probably bother me, and I would have also said something. I think you are worrying way too much about it- he had told you some concerns about your ex and you blocked him from Facebook- I don't think you were out of line in telling him that you are uncomfortable with him going out for drinks with her. I think you need to take a deep breath and relax.
Communication and trust are key to all successful relationships.
Like you, I don't get jealous much. But there is one person I flat out forbid my hubby from seeing...his ex-wife. I can't stand her. She is a threat to me. I know she is back stabbing and willing to go to great lengths to get what she wants. And I know my hubby is one of those things. She never wanted him when she had him. Now that he is mine, she does everything she can to woo him to her.
You were open and forthright with your bf. That is step one. The true question is, where you respectful to him when you confronted him about it? He very well may have not known she was going until after he accepted the invite. He likely has a very similar group of friends as her as they were together for several years. He very well may have felt dirty if he declined after accepting. If he has an honor system like my hubby's, all of that is very true.
Did he go? No. Did he sulk about not going? If so, talk to him. Calmly. If he did not sulk, talk to him. Calmly. Explain yourself and your feelings.
Truth is, he probably didn't think twice on it about not going. I never tell my husband not to go anywhere, in fact, usually encourage him to go out with his friends. But the one time I tell him no, he usually sits at home playing video games all night, happy as a clown. Then again, I have openly admitted that the computer is my husband's mistress and my only competition
You did not handle it wrong. You did just right. I would have expected my wife to do exactly the same with me and I would have done the same with her in a similar situation.
And, yes I have stopped talking to exs (all of which are now married anyway) on Facebook and in respect of her request to do so.
This bit made me laugh though:
Quote:
My boyfriend and I have been together nine months. Things have been fine for the most part. But today we had our first *sort of* argument.
If you have arguments that infrequently, you have a great relationship! I'm lucky if I don't go a day without arguing over something with my wife!
Last night was putting my kids' pyjamas on. I am so useless at doing that!
It would probably bother me, and I would have also said something. I think you are worrying way too much about it- he had told you some concerns about your ex and you blocked him from Facebook- I don't think you were out of line in telling him that you are uncomfortable with him going out for drinks with her. I think you need to take a deep breath and relax.
I think part of the problem is I am used to dysfunctional relationships. This is the first healthy relationship I have ever been in really. And that's sad.
My ex husband was the kind of person who, in this same situation, would tell me he's not going, then go just to piss me off, then take pictures on his phone of him hugging and maybe even kissing the ex girlfriend, then text them to me. After 8 years with that it's almost easy to see how I can't give anyone the benefit of the doubt.
My bf was texting me all throughout the evening, even when the event was going on. And here my dumb *** is thinking, "How do I know he's not there this whole time and just pretending to be at home?"
As hard as it is... I need to remind myself that he is not one of the jerks from my past. I can't hold him accountable for the nasty things they did.
You did not handle it wrong. You did just right. I would have expected my wife to do exactly the same with me and I would have done the same with her in a similar situation.
And, yes I have stopped talking to exs on Facebook at her request.
This bit made me laugh though:
If you have arguments that infrequently, you have a great relationship! I'm lucky if I don't go a day without arguing over something with my wife!
Lol... yea, nine months with no fights. And I don't even know if this really counts as one.
He told me he never fought with this ex girlfriend... but that contradicts the stories he told me about how mean she was to him. But maybe they never fought because she was that mean and he just took it and didn't speak up, idk.
I really wish he would just unfriend her. But I won't ask him to do that. I feel like that's getting greedy.
Communication and trust are key to all successful relationships.
Like you, I don't get jealous much. But there is one person I flat out forbid my hubby from seeing...his ex-wife. I can't stand her. She is a threat to me. I know she is back stabbing and willing to go to great lengths to get what she wants. And I know my hubby is one of those things. She never wanted him when she had him. Now that he is mine, she does everything she can to woo him to her.
You were open and forthright with your bf. That is step one. The true question is, where you respectful to him when you confronted him about it? He very well may have not known she was going until after he accepted the invite. He likely has a very similar group of friends as her as they were together for several years. He very well may have felt dirty if he declined after accepting. If he has an honor system like my hubby's, all of that is very true.
Did he go? No. Did he sulk about not going? If so, talk to him. Calmly. If he did not sulk, talk to him. Calmly. Explain yourself and your feelings.
Truth is, he probably didn't think twice on it about not going. I never tell my husband not to go anywhere, in fact, usually encourage him to go out with his friends. But the one time I tell him no, he usually sits at home playing video games all night, happy as a clown. Then again, I have openly admitted that the computer is my husband's mistress and my only competition
Wow, your hubby sounds exactly like my bf. He's a software engineer and a hardcore gamer. Him and I live an hour apart and usually only see each other on weekends. He just talked me into buying Guild Wars 2 so we can play together during the week when he's not at my place.
The bolded paragraph pretty much sums it up. He didn't know until after accepting the invite. They do have a lot of mutual friends. Etc...
He told me his decision not to go was based more on not wanting to see her then how I would feel about it. He said he didn't even think I would notice that she would be there. So, it's good that he genuinely doesn't want to see her.
Lol... it's kind of funny... he still has pics up on facebook of the two of them together. But they are several years old. Seeing pics of her has helped get me motivated in some ways. But in some ways it's also depressed me. She had a perfect body and I know I will never have that.
Never fighting is not healthly. That just means things are going unsaid.
Oh I know... When he told me that I thought the same thing.
Fighting once in a while is essential. There are ways to argue constructively and not destructively. Without some conflict things don't get resolved and the relationship will never grow.
My ex told me his parents were together for 32 years and never argued once. All I could think was, "Wow... one day one of them is going to snap, and the other one is going to be dead."
On a side note, It's nice to have a man's opinion.
Problem is... all night long at work, and even now, I felt awful about this. I feel like I handled it entirely wrong and I just lost some of his respect. I've been scolding myself all night... I didn't eat much and I've had a knot in my stomach ever since that phone call.
Maybe I'm reading too much into this... Was it wrong of me to tell him this bothered me? Was it even normal that I was bothered? I mean... it seems like something that would bother most people but I am not a main stream thinker by any means.
Maybe you are feeling bothered not because of the "way you handled it" but that you guys had your first conflict. That's natural.
Is it normal that you were bothered? Doesn't matter if it is "normal". It's the way you felt, it was your truth, and you can never go wrong with your truth.
You are trying to do things differently this time with this person, and in a healthy, functional way. You felt bothered by something, you brought it up to him, he heard you and didn't attend. Sounds like it all went like a usual conflict/resolution situation to me!
I think the main question here is not whether you should have brought it up, but do you feel comfortable with the way the entire thing was handled? You guys are going to have conflict in the future, so is this the way you would like your future conflicts to be resolved? Conflicts are never fun, they never feel great, but they are a natural part of life!
I truly don't think she's a real threat to your relationship but I would still ask him to delete her because she makes you uncomfortable for whatever reason. Keeping her on his FL may only cause future hurt and it's simply not worth it, it's not like they're best friends and he made her out to be satan anyway. I would just tell him straight up, listen I don't care about so and so (insert other female names here) but your one ex needs to hit the road. It bothers me.
The second he shows remorse for having not gone, whines, cries, complains, is grumpy, or overall isn't his normal self about not going with his friends and her over this, that's when to worry. He sounds like a really understanding, nice guy. Just approach him when you're more chilled out and say I'm glad we can be honest with eachother about things like that, it will prompt him to know you guys are being open and honest and if he's as forth-coming as it seems, usually he'll speak up after you mention the honesty thing if something's bothering him.
I think you're a saint... Exes are also a huge no for me!
Wow, your hubby sounds exactly like my bf. He's a software engineer and a hardcore gamer. Him and I live an hour apart and usually only see each other on weekends. He just talked me into buying Guild Wars 2 so we can play together during the week when he's not at my place.
The bolded paragraph pretty much sums it up. He didn't know until after accepting the invite. They do have a lot of mutual friends. Etc...
He told me his decision not to go was based more on not wanting to see her then how I would feel about it. He said he didn't even think I would notice that she would be there. So, it's good that he genuinely doesn't want to see her.
Lol... it's kind of funny... he still has pics up on facebook of the two of them together. But they are several years old. Seeing pics of her has helped get me motivated in some ways. But in some ways it's also depressed me. She had a perfect body and I know I will never have that.
Too funny! My hubby and I lived an hour apart for 4 years prior to us getting pregnant. Only then did we move to the next stage. It wasn't that we didn't love each other, we just saw no rush to jump the gun as we had both had REALLY nasty prior relationships and didn't want a repeat. But now, we've been together a total of 8 years and he is quite amazing. (And he is a high end server last stop resolution manager of something or another. I dunno. All geek...I mean greek...to me.)
Truth is, he still has photos of his ex wife...I still have photos of my ex. But I think that all the pictures are covered in 7 inches of dust. It's a past life, no use in getting rid of them. But it isn't the current life, so no use in looking at them either.
No, I have no worries about my hubby. Heck, he still has a very close relationship with several exs and I have a very close relationship with a few of mine. They are exs for a reason. But they were good friends first. No need to destroy a friendship over a relationship that should have never happened. Besides, who else would give my hubby a zombie wedding (gore included) besides me?
For what it is worth, geeks are awesomely loyal. I know And if your guy is like mine, you have one **** of a guy
Had to lay down the law... first argument, :(
