the only time that a comment like that might be even be remotely OK is if the two people where actual identical twins and even then you still might hurt someone's feelings... because let's just simplify things here... People are individuals and want to be seen as individuals and hopefully recognized for their own uniqueness on some level... even people who may be relatives and especially siblings, and probably more so for twins.... Now whether or not you believe that doesn't really matter since good manners and rules of etiquette dictate that you act as if you believe it... and treat people as such... to do otherwise is not only bad manners, but in this case it sounds possibly rather rude...
The point of OP's comment was that some people assume that two fat people must be related because they are blinded by the fat. If that is a person's sole reason for making that comment, then I agree with those who have opined that is an ignorant comment. But even though it may be ignorant, it very well may have no malicious intent. So, its one thing to be bothered or hurt by it. But I personally wouldn't be offended if there was no malicious intent in the comment.
Tripswitch, I disagree with you that in almost all circumstances - even if weight is taken out of the equation - it is still rude to ask any two people if they are related if they do, in fact, look like each other. I don't see what is wrong with that. Even if your hypothesis is true that people want to be individuals and recognized for their own uniqueness, how does commenting that they bear some resemblance to another person / sibling offensive? If somebody takes offense to that, IMO they are being WAY over-sensitive! If people are that fragile, maybe they should not venture outside their house.
So some guy says to us "are you guys related?". Answer: No. "Oh well, you look alike, I always get ywu too confused". And then awkward silence and the conversation ended.
Let me perhaps clarify what I meant... The first part of his statement if that was all he said than yes I agree sounds perfectly innocent... But the second part of his statement is what I have a problem with... And I think could easily be misconstrued... Now as to whether or not this person should have known that or not...I don't know... But it sounds like from the context that the OP is describing he definitely made a social faux pas... that could have been easily avoided if he had not gone on to say "Oh well, you look alike... I always get you two confused..." Personally I think most people would take offense to a statement like that... or at least find it somewhat off-putting...
Thanks for all the moral support. He's not a bad person and means no malicious harm. I'm not mad at him (although it was still an awkward comment - but this is a group of somewhat socially inept nerds). The comment still hurt though because of my assumption that he was so blinded by fat he couldn't see anything else. Hopefully I am wrong.
Do you have the right to be offended? Yep, you have the right to feel however you feel!
I don't know if it is simply due to the fact that you're both heavier, who knows. Wasn't intended as an insult, which of course you already know.
Just as a side story of semi-relatability: I was at a car dealership with my sister a few weeks ago. She is 26, I'm 30. The d-bag car salesman asked if I was her mom. W....T.....F...... I was incredibly offended. I actually cussed at him, I kid you not. Though that was several hours after arriving, and being jerked around by about 5 sales-guys. But still. I don't know if he MEANT to be offensive, but I was offended. Still bothers me. Man, do I really look like I could be the mother of a woman in her mid-twenties!? I sure as heck hope not. Moral of the story, even an innocent question can make you feel bad sometimes, whether it's meant to or not. And I always hear people say "It's up to you how you react to people". True, but I, unfortunately haven't mastered the art of this.
There was a girl in my old town a couple years older than me that was about 4'11 (and I'm alllmost 5'2), she had medium length blondish almost curly hair, I have long blondish wavy hair. We both were white, (minorities where I lived) and with green eyes and I guess similarish heart shaped faces.
People always mixed us up, and I used to laugh becaue I'm sure she was just as offended as I was. I'm definetly a good 20 lbs heavier than she is, but I thought she looked kind of like a 90s wishing troll! (Totally true)
Thanks for all the moral support. He's not a bad person and means no malicious harm. I'm not mad at him (although it was still an awkward comment - but this is a group of somewhat socially inept nerds). The comment still hurt though because of my assumption that he was so blinded by fat he couldn't see anything else. Hopefully I am wrong.
I agree with LockItUp, mandypandy. If the comment made you uncomfortable it is OK for you to say that it was hurtful. (LOL @ the 'somewhat socially inept nerds' description )
People do make dopey comments to total strangers without thought and I don't think that is OK at all. My back was to someone and my coworker was standing next to me, she is 20 yrs. old, maybe 5 feet tall (barely) and something like a size 00, REALLY small. I'm 52, size 10, 5' 6".
We both have blonde processed hair worn in a ponytail and we both were wearing dark sweatshirts. Some dopey customer said, "are you two sisters?" I turned around ... and he says ...'oh. Maybe mother and daughter?' Sure, the age works out for that to be possible, but WTF. Just keep your comments to yourself! Someone might argue that he was trying to pass a compliment to me. I don't need your lame creepy compliment!
Let me perhaps clarify what I meant... The first part of his statement if that was all he said than yes I agree sounds perfectly innocent... But the second part of his statement is what I have a problem with... And I think could easily be misconstrued... Now as to whether or not this person should have known that or not...I don't know... But it sounds like from the context that the OP is describing he definitely made a social faux pas... that could have been easily avoided if he had not gone on to say "Oh well, you look alike... I always get you two confused..." Personally I think most people would take offense to a statement like that... or at least find it somewhat off-putting...
I understand what you're saying, I get why such a comment can make someone feel bad -- and sometimes even offended. Its the type of faux pas that one makes when they ask a woman how her pregnancy is going... but the woman isn't pregnant. There is no bad intent in the question (if it was genuine). The person just made an error in their assumption. Certain questions are better left unasked! But what Jez and I seem to have agreed upon is that there is a big difference between someone saying something that is deliberately offensive, for the purpose of hurting someone else's feelings .... and an innocent (albeit, possibly ignorant) comment that goes awry because it was premised upon a faulty assumption.
I don't mean to say that the OP, or anyone else in that situation, doesn't have the right to feel bad. If that happened to me, and I felt bad, I would probably feel bad about the fact that my weight causes people to think I look like all other fat men who remotely look like I do. I probably wouldn't be mad at the person who made the comment. I wouldn't be offended by it. But that's just me. Having said that, I can see how in some situations the recipient of the comment could be offended.
Thanks for everyone's insights. Like I said, I don't think he's a bad person, or meant anything by it. He may not even realize what it is about the two of us that makes him think we look alike - and that thing may not even be weight.
But it doesnt mean that I don't assume its weight - and that doesn't mean that it makes me feel sad that I think the first thing people notice about me is "fat girl" rather than great smile, great eyes, etc.
My old best friend and I used to work together several years back. We looked nothing alike; totally different facial features, completely different heights (I'm about 8" taller than her), and totally different hair colors (she's blonde, I'm a brunette).
But we were both fat and we both had very long hair. Everyone assumed we were sisters, we were rarely even asked, people would just approach me and start saying things about my "sister." Thank goodness we didn't have the same hair color as I imagine we'd have been constantly confused for each other.
If it happens again you can always say, as politely as possible, "No we aren't related. What makes you ask?"
Yes! I love this!
I don't know that he was being a jerk. I'm horrible at recognizing people (remembering names, mostly) so I've probably been in a similar situation as the man. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes people say dumb things.
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Tripswitch, I disagree with you that in almost all circumstances - even if weight is taken out of the equation - it is still rude to ask any two people if they are related if they do, in fact, look like each other. I don't see what is wrong with that. Even if your hypothesis is true that people want to be individuals and recognized for their own uniqueness, how does commenting that they bear some resemblance to another person / sibling offensive? If somebody takes offense to that, IMO they are being WAY over-sensitive! If people are that fragile, maybe they should not venture outside their house.
I agree with Joe! I walked into my gym last week and I happened to strike up a conversation with another woman walking in at the same time. As we got to the front desk, the gym receptionist said, "Are you guys sisters?" We laughed and said, "No, we just met ouside." She went on and on about how she couldn't believe it because we look "SO MUCH ALIKE!" It was pretty funny considering she's Asian and I'm black. Though, I guess it makes some sense because we have similar frames and we both sported our shoulder-lengh hair in ponytails.
I found it humerous and I smiled and said, "Thank you."
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I also openly admit that I am HORRIBLE with details, directions, and faces. It's a memory thing. I just don't have it.
This has happened to me so many times with one of my best friends. We look nothing alike but are both black and until recently were both bigger girls. I think that people just don't look that closely.
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I turned around ... and he says ...'oh. Maybe mother and daughter?' Sure, the age works out for that to be possible, but WTF. Just keep your comments to yourself! Someone might argue that he was trying to pass a compliment to me. I don't need your lame creepy compliment!
