I fell in love with a man I met online in 2008, so much I thought about marrying him. We'd been dating for about a year and a half, seeing each other a few times a year, Skyping at least once a week, emailing and texting. We're both in our 40s. He's divorced with a small boy. I had high hopes.
But it didn't work out because of different temperaments, and he tried to let me down as nicely as possible when I went to go see him this May on vacation, on the other side of the country.
I was crushed, and it was really difficult to get through the remaining 5 days of my vacation, staying with him in his house after getting dumped. For some reason (desperation maybe), I did not change my plans to immediately fly home.
We've been trying to be friends since, at least over Facebook and text messaging. I cut off Skyping because I found it too painful to think about "seeing" him live.
On Friday, I found out on Facebook through a comment a relative made on his Wall that he'd be in NYC this weekend. He hadn't told me, and is staying with an old platonic woman friend. NYC is just a few hours from me, and where I'd first met him in 2010.
How would you feel to find out after the fact? Would you be hurt? What would you do with that hurt? Say something? Just ignore it? I'm tempted to ignore it, because honestly, I wasn't ready to see him and be blithely "Hey, how you doing, pal?" yet. But I admit I had some tearful hours Friday and Saturday, and I'm now ignoring a text from him where he joked about how far he walked in Manhattan. Mature, I know.
Augh, why does love take so damn long to get over? I'd have been okay with 1 month of mourning, tops.
I'd be grateful for advice you'd like to share, even if it's "Rub some dirt on it and get over it." Thank you
It was four years.. its okay if youre not over it. Id say to ignore it though.. who cares. Spend that time finding someone that is worth your time. You deserve better
it takes a long time to get over someone that you care deeply about...i'm not sure i could, emotionally, go the whole "friends" route with texting and stuff...that's too close to me still...for me personally, facebook friends would be fine but not the texting...and i'd probably be blunt about that with the person....with the thing about being in NYC and the text, i'd probably reply whatever i'm honestly feeling and just work on moving forward and using the time to get real with myself and ready for a person who would be a better match for me....if i was in that situation
I'm sorry that you've had your heart broken; time is the only thing that can really heal it and the amount of time it takes varies from person to person, from relationship to relationship.
Don't ever let anyone make you feel that you aren't entitled to your feelings. Is it logical that you are hurt that he hasn't contacted you about his plans to be in NYC? Maybe, maybe not, but that's how you feel and that's ok. The heart wants what it wants. That said, I'm doubtful that he excluded you from his travel plans specifically to hurt you. Since he ended the romantic relationship he really doesn't "owe" it to you to see you on this vacation (in fact that might even make things worse for you).
Also, I agree with alaskanlaugter, facebook is one thing but text messages are another (too personal for me). I think that her advice to be honest with him is pretty solid - letting him know that it is too painful to carry on the friendship at the level it is at. It might be wise to take a step back from this man, to allow yourself to heal.
It is too difficult to try to be "just friends" with someone you deeply love in a romantic way. Been there, done that. It is far better to get him out of your life and move on.
I am so sorry you got hurt. It does take a lot of time to get over, but when they are still in your life there is bound to be just a little bit of hope, even though your mind knows it is not to be.
I am so sorry you got hurt.
But I think it's a good thing he didn't try to see you when he was in NYC. Because if he tried to see you, it might have given you the impression that there was still hope. (I could be totally off, and forgive me if I am).
Give yourself time. It takes me ages to get over someone I have strong feelings for. Let yourself grieve! Pop in a Lifetime movie or read a sad book and have a good cry. But then pick yourself up. Do something that makes you feel good.
I know how you feel. I ended up in a long distance relationship that lasted four years. It's hard to let someone go when they've taken up emotional real estate in your heart. And while my ex hasn't traveled anywhere near me, I get to see him in the Facebook pictures he gets tagged in at parties. Pictures where he's good and drunk with a lady on each arm. Yeah, I know I shouldn't care now that we're broken up, but dangit, have some friggin class!! Ugh.
You gotta let it go. Just because you fell in love with him doesn't mean he was the right guy for you. Sometimes we will Skype to catch up on what's going on in each other's lives. But I try to keep the reports of my life short and sweet. I just wasn't *that* girl for him. I wasn't the one to make him change into an awesome dude and propose to me. Oh well, ya win some, ya lose some.
Spend more time working on yourself rather than thinking about him and what he's doing. You gotta make your own life more interesting so that you don't have time to worry about who he's with and what he's doing with them.
It is too difficult to try to be "just friends" with someone you deeply love in a romantic way. Been there, done that. It is far better to get him out of your life and move on.
I am so sorry you got hurt. It does take a lot of time to get over, but when they are still in your life there is bound to be just a little bit of hope, even though your mind knows it is not to be.
I agree with this. I know you probably can't imagine not having him in your life, but that's probably because you are not over him. If you were in a happy healthy relationship with someone else right now, I doubt you would be that sad about not being "friends" anymore or what he was doing on his vacations.
You are still "in the moment" with him, same feelings, same thoughts, and trying to maintain a friendship is just prolonging the agony.
Plus, your energy and vibration is all directed towards him right now and not directed towards yourself or inviting someone new into your life. You need to redirect and refocus that energy.
I would be hurt, incredibly hurt, but ... and I do not mean this unkindly... he broke off your relationship and wherever his life takes him is not related to you. His feelings are in a different place so he is thoughtless and unaware of yours and, to him, he has no reason to tell you where he is or what he is doing except in a friendly way because you keep in contact.
Until you can feel in control and comfortable with your feelings towards him (and I promise that you will in time) it is probably better not to keep in touch. I know how hard this is and I have done some pretty humiliating and weird stuff in the past in similar circumstances but it truly is the only way.
Every time you feel compelled to contact him, or to follow him in Facebook or such... just don't, go do the ironing or paint a wall or take a walk. Be true to you, be kind to you. I am sure he does not mean to hurt you but he just is not in the same place you are.
I don't know if I can drop him completely from my life. He's the only ex I've had out of 3 serious long-term relationships who I value as a friend. He is a wonderful person, but it didn't work out between us.
But a time away to build up my emotional stability, that sounds good!
For some reason, the texts are not as intimate for me, while on Facebook, he comments on my status updates most of the time, and "likes" many of my comments, and I get glimpses of his life without me through photographs and comments. That's rough.
I think you all are right on; he didn't hide his trip or not invite me to hurt me. He probably just didn't think of including me, or did and thought it was too soon after our break-up.
There is a big part of me that wanted the invitation to the city, out of lingering feelings... but I couldn't have gone and been comfortable. And I'm thankful I found out he was there without me, in retrospect, because it drives home to me it's OVER. There is no we might get back together. That's good (if painful) to get into my head and heart.
I think I will "hide" him on Facebook, and see how that goes. If that doesn't help, I'll ask him to stop texting me also.
Thank you all again! You're a comfort and full of wisdom
Sorry to sound so direct but he is keeping you in the back burner. There is no such thing as " I don't want a relationship but I want to keep being friends". He know he is hurting you and he keeps doing it. Once you find somebody else he will come back with some sweet words. Rince and repeat.
It's not worth it! He doesn't want a relationship? Fine! But don't be playing the good friend with him. Cut him off for your own good. He might be a good guy but he is not good for you.
You will move on and you will find somebody else. Don't waste years on somebody... If by the 1st year you don't see the relationship going anywhere MOVE ON, because it won't!
Sorry to sound so direct but he is keeping you in the back burner. There is no such thing as " I don't want a relationship but I want to keep being friends". He know he is hurting you and he keeps doing it. Once you find somebody else he will come back with some sweet words. Rince and repeat.
It's not worth it! He doesn't want a relationship? Fine! But don't be playing the good friend with him. Cut him off for your own good. He might be a good guy but he is not good for you.
You will move on and you will find somebody else. Don't waste years on somebody... If by the 1st year you don't see the relationship going anywhere MOVE ON, because it won't!
Respectfully disagree. I'm still on friendly terms with all of my ex's. It usually helps to distance myself from them at first, but once closure is received and time has passed? Friendships are absolutely possible.
I don't understand why you think he's stringing BerkshireGrl along. If he invited her to the NY trip, then yes, I could see that point of view. But he didn't. And it's not like he sent her all of these pictures directly. He posted on facebook. All he does is like and comment on status messages. It's facebook. That's what people do.
BerkshireGrl, I think hiding him on facebook is a smart choice.
Last edited by Quiet Ballerina; 12-13-2012 at 02:34 PM.
Respectfully disagree. I'm still on friendly terms with all of my ex's. It usually helps to distance myself from them at first, but once closure is received and time has passed? Friendships are absolutely possible.
I don't understand why you think he's stringing BerkshireGrl along. If he invited her to the NY trip, then yes, I could see that point of view. But he didn't. And it's not like he sent her all of these pictures directly. He posted on facebook. All he does is like and comment on status messages. It's facebook. That's what people do.
BerkshireGrl, I think hiding him on facebook is a smart choice.
She still have feelings for him and that's the difference. She also mentions that he stills texts her and is active in her FB page. He doesn't want a relationship with her but he still wants to be in her life. How is that fair to her that she is not able to have him as a partner but has to stay on the side looking at him having a life without her?
And I'm sorry, but I don't believe in friendship with exes. If it didn't work, move on.
How would you feel if...
