It is difficult for me to get advice about this from those that are close to me and know me on a personal level, so I thought that I might try to come here and vent a little/hear what others who may have dealt similar situation have to say.
I have been with the same man for the last 3 years. Within those 3 years, we have had our ups and downs as any couple does. I never like to downplay my role in instigating arguments, as I know that I can be a rather confrontational person. However, my boyfriend is completely incapable of dealing with an argument and becomes mean (for lack of a better term) when he is angry. I have always been the type of person that cannot stand when someone is mad at me. Because of this, I always try to immediately fix the situation by trying to communicate and talk it through until we can reach an agreement. He can't stand this and says he needs his time (which is always on his own terms). He will either ignore me completely, or say really mean, nasty things that he knows will hurt me.
For example, last night we had an argument that started when I tried to talk to him about appearance. He values appearance much more than I do, and I wanted to communicate that it makes me feel uncomfortable sometimes. My parents are just now getting a divorce from issues stemming from my mother's appearance and her self consciousness surrounding her body image. As such, it's a sensitive issue to me that I wanted to bring to his attention. I did not like the way he responded to me and an argument ensued. He started to make comments such as "Well don't get mad at me that you are losing weight, what do you want to gain 500 pounds and sit in your house all day?". He also said that "all I do is eat all day" which was a jab at me since I have been binging lately. Now he is completely ignoring me and will not talk to me.
I know that this is emotional abuse. The sad thing is, I volunteer at a shelter helping women who have come from abusive relationships. Why can't I help myself? I am a little uncomfortable sending my story out there as I do not want people to judge me. I just would like to know what people would do in my situation. I do love my boyfriend very much, and there are many wonderful things about him that are not mentioned here, but I know that that kind of mindset will keep me in this vicious cycle. I just needed to vent a little as I really do not have anyone I can talk to this about. Sorry it is so long!
I can relate somewhat. My boyfriend and I both have very different ways of dealing with disagreements. He shuts down and doesn't want to talk until he's ready... And i'm the one who wants to fix it right away. We've been together 3 years and we've learned to come to a compromise in order to handle the situation in a calm and non-confrontational kind of way. I give him his space for a while and when we are BOTH ready, we sit down and talk. Let's be honest, even as people who like to try to fix things right away, that doesn't always mean we are right or that addressing the situation right away is the good thing to do. We both take time to think about what the disagreement is about before we try to discuss it. It works, but it's a process.
As far as him saying things to hurt you, I'm assuming he's doing this because he's angry and therefore, wants to make you angry as well. I am not making an excuse for his actions... Because when you love someone you should never say hurtful things... However, maybe if you BOTH took time to think things over before addressing them, it would give you both the time you need to think clearly and not say things based on how you're feeling at the moment. Next time you two have a disagreement... Why not try to walk away first? Tell him that you'll give him some time to think it over and hopefully afterwards, you can both come together and talk things out peacefully.
It is abusive to say mean and hurtful things and you shouldn't have to go through that. You did state however, that you know you 2 are different when it comes to how you handle these situations. So as much as you may want him to change and be able to discuss things right away, it's not likely that will ever happen. As much as sometimes waiting to talk things out irks me, I do it because I know that I will go back into the situation with a clear head. Relationships are about compromise and working together and if you two love each other as much as you say, you can work through this obstacle. Best of luck to you.
If you're going to be happy with each other you're going to have to learn how to communicate with one another.
You should be able to have a discussion without it breaking into a crapstorm.
I'd reccomend couples counseling. Since I know you're not going to take my advice I'd reccomend you break up. I also know you're not going to do that either.
I'm not trying to be negative here I just know that people almost never change. You've been with him for three years. This isn't new. It keeps repeating itself.
:/ I'm dealing with a similar thing. So I'm giving couples counseling a try, and we'll see how it goes..after that it's over. There is literally nothing I could do or say that would suddenly make him change something he has been doing all his life.
I know it's not what you want to hear, but I think the best thing is to be realistic, just like with weight loss- figure out a goal. Ask yourself if it's realistic. Figure out how to get there. Do the work.
I am so, so sorry to hear you're going through this. It's heartbreaking. I wish you absolutely the best. Do what's right for you :]
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I agree with John. Getting a man's point of view is the best thing! I would like to add that your weight is going to be an issue for you for the rest of your life. You are not going to reach your goal and then stay there, happily, forever. You are always going to have to deal with it in one way or another. You have binging issues. You are going to backslide from time to time. We all do. You need someone who is going to be supportive through this. He is not the guy.
If you volunteer at a shelter for women in abusive relationships I doubt there is anything we could say that you don't know. The fact you are recognising his behaviour is not okay, and you are having doubts about him is the most important thing I think. Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? Do you really think he can change? If the answer is no, you know what you have to do.
But I know that it's easier said than done!! I've stayed in relationships much longer than I should have, because of fear, low self-esteem... Just try to remember you're worth so much, and you do not have to take this if you don't want to.
For me, I try to live by 'treat others how you wish to be treated' but also the reverse; I don't let anyone treat me in a way I wouldn't treat them. Again, much easier said than done, and I can't say I stick to it all the time- but I feel like it has certainly helped!!
If you are not happy, leave. Do not just stay because you feel like you *have* to.
Many people stay in relationships because:
a) fear of being alone.
b) fear that they just "wasted" away the past x amount of time.
OR
c) they do not think they can do better
The truth is
a) having a misearble relationship is never better than being free and doing your own thing
b) the only time wasted is the time you stay in a relationship you know is not going anywhere
I have to agree with John, that the cycle will most likely continue, because if it has gone this long, it is not going to change.
I am sorry you are going through this. Sit down, figure out *why* you stay. A relationship will never be happy if there is no communication, so try counseling, if not move on. There is so much more to life than being miserable.
I agree with the counseling (together ideally, alone if necessary), but I also want to suggest another option as well (in ADDITION to the counseling, not in place of it).
As for "mean" being abuse, I agree, though I also don't know what you say to him (it could be as abusive or more so, for all I know). You admit to being confrontational, and sometimes that's code for "mean," too.
That's why counseling is so important - that third party can help you both see and understand what it's like for the other person in the relationship (and that's REALLY hard to do, even when you're trained for it).
My additional suggestion, in combination with the counseling, is to try giving him the time he needs to cool off, before discussing important thngs and taking that time yourself too, so that you both agree not to argue while angry enough to say hurtful things.
Also, give up on the idea of "fixing" other people's emotions. It's not your job to "fix" his anger. And let him have his anger (not the expression of it).
Allow him to be angry, but do not allow him to express his anger with abuse of any kind. Leave the room, do whatever it takes to seperate yourself from his anger. And do that mentally too - his anger is not your responsibility. Let him have it.
My husband and I have extremely dominant personalities, and I think we both could easily be considered abusive if we were in a relationship with a weaker-willed person. I knew that tendency in me, before I went into the field of psychology (BA and MA degrees in cognitive behavioral psych and developmental psych respectively). I was raised in a very matriarchal family where verbally abusing men was almost a full-time job (and if the men said anything back, they were the ones accused of abuse).
I chose my husband because he takes no crap from me. However, we both say really terrible things when we're angry (or when we're in physical pain - and because we're both on disability for pain and mobility issues, we're both in physical pain quite often).
We actually have a "pact" not to talk to each other at all (other than to say, "Goodmorning,") until our pain medications have kicked in (we were having arguments every morning - and mutual- apology fests when the pain meds had kicked in).
It is extremely easy to say horrible things in anger, which is why simply avoiding deep discussions while the anger is strong, can be a HUGE help in preventing abuse (on both or either sides).
As a "peacemaker" myself, I know how difficult it can be to "let it go," it meaning the pain (including the pain of anger) in others.
My husband and I both are "peacemakers" as much as we also both have the potential for verbal abuse when angry. We both WANT to make peace, but on our own terms, and if we can't make peace, we're both very good at war.
The problem with being this kind of "peacemaker" is that we try to force our view of peace on the other. Neither of us want the other to hide from the confrontation that we believe will bring peace (it's almost like stalking prey. If one of us tries to "get away" either physically or emotionally, the other will pounce - forcing the continuation of the confrontation). It took us a very long time to admit to ourselves and each other that we both needed time to let go of the anger, before we could discuss the situation peacefully.
The hardest part WAS learning to let each other have time on their own terms (we couldn't FORCE the anger out of each other). Anger often isn't rational - it often makes no sense - even to the person who is angry. And often the more someone tries to reason, beg, wheedle, or force us out of the anger, the angrier we get (why? because it feels like the other person isn't respecting our feelings - they're trying to tell us that we don't have the right to our anger, and nothing makes a person angrier than being told that they have no right to their anger).
When he's angry, let him be angry. When you're angry, let YOURSELF be angry. Just don't take it out on each other. THAT'S a lot harder said than done (which is why the counseling really isn't optional).
The time to set the "ground rules" for dealing with anger is when you're both NOT angry. And discussing the topic can stir the anger (so you may have to stop and start the discussion many times).
Learning to "play fair," even when angry (or in our case, when angry or in physical pain) is not easy. It takes a lot of practice, a lot of trial and error - and at first mostly error... which is why I recommend counseling along with it. You both have to feel the work is worth it, because it is a tremendous amount of work - on both sides.
I have no idea whether your relationship is worth the effort, only you and he can decide that. I know in our case, for hubby and I, it's been well worth the effort (though the effort never stops. We both know that we both have the potential to say cruel things when angry or hurting).
The hardest part really is letting the other person BE angry when they need to -- and the second hardest part was allowing ourselves and each other to isolate when angry. Giving each other the "space" during "angry time" is still a hardship for us both. We have to remind each other constantly when we need "alone time" that it's for us both that we choose to be angry alone.
Being angry alone is self-limiting. You get tired of being angry very quickly - unless you can participate in an anger "war" with another person. When you're throwing anger at someone, and they're throwing right back, that kind of anger doesn't burn out as quickly or as easily. Instead, it escalates, often until the things that are said and done can't be taken back, can't be forgiven.
Leaving a person BE angry at you is extremely difficult (understanding that they even have the right to be angry, even for unjust or illogical reasons is even harder).
My DH and I have been together for 12 years. We used to fight in the most nasty ways possible without becoming physical. Name calling, cussing, screaming, walking out, door slamming, etc. It was ugly. I don't know why we stayed together, but we did. Now, we rarely ever fight and it never gets nasty like that. We both grew up and got more mature about things...but I think more than that it was that we decided we weren't going to give up on us. And because we're fully committed to making it work, we just don't say the mean stuff any more. We do still fight, but not like we used to. He used to say some incredibly cruel stuff, he held grudges for days, and he would walk out on me. I hated all of that. He doesn't do that any more.
I witnessed the same thing with my parents, only worse. Literal knock down, drag out fights, cops getting called, etc. Now they are this sweet old couple that never fight.
I'm not saying you should stick around. Your guy is acting abusive. All I'm saying is that there *may* be light at the end of the tunnel. It's a decision only you can make. I'd weigh the good vs. the bad, how he makes you feel about yourself in general, whether you see things improving or getting worse, whether you think there's potential for this to ever go from verbal to physical abuse, etc. Maybe do one of those pros/cons sheets and see what comes out on top.
One huge thing I noticed is that in every relationship I had where my friends/ family didn't like the guy, it didn't work out. In this instance, my friends/family do like my DH and always have, and it has worked. If your friends/family don't like your guy, consider that a big red flag.
Freezing you out is a control tactic to make you feel bad, you know that. So don't let it control you, move on with your life and be happy on your own accord. He'll either realize he's messing up a good thing or he'll just move on too, either way, you will win by doing what's best for you. If he doesn't want to communicate with you, you are only playing into his game by repeatedly wanting and asking him to. You only have to play the headgame if you want to and only you can decide what you will accept. I have a feeling if he treats you this way and you are willing to walk away, he might just stop that narcissitic junk he's been dishing out. Again, if he doesn't stop and walks away too, it will be a good riddance for you.
I put up with anything and everything in my 20's and now I will not deal with fighting, period. I don't care about their good side, the frequent fighting/name calling voids all positives. I'm too old and too tired.
My current BF and I have been together for almost 5 years with maybe one or two very minor disagreements whereas my ex-husband and I were WW3. Never again...such a waste of time and energy.
I would also have to second either counselling as a potential remedy to it, or breaking up.
He certainly doesn't sound like someone I would like to go through life's ups and downs with, but then I am very sensitive to people commenting on my eating habits etc also.
Just because you've been with him for three years doesn't mean you ever should have been together at all or that you should try and stick it out. You've got the rest of your life ahead of you and I think probably separating from him would allow you to see that.
I have experienced an emotionally... abusive would be a bit too strong a word perhaps but he would play mind games and was incredibly manipulative and erratic. As soon as I dumped the bugger I finally saw some light and then very soon went on to get help for a long standing eating disorder and other issues and I've never looked back or been happier since. It was all triggered due to me realizing just how bad I had gotten that I would allow myself to be mistreated so much by someone.
I obviously don't know your situation personally but I'd say walk away and find something better. Maybe consider going to counselling just for yourself, it can be a really valuable tool.
The best thing I ever did for myself when i knew I was in an "iffy" relationship was leave. And I did this 3 times. I'm glad i did otherwise i would never have found my perfect man....and yes, they are out there. Of course there was heartbreak and it wasnt easy in the beginning for i too loved all 3 of those men at one point too. in retrospect im glad i made those 3 mistakes and the decisions that followed because i now greatly appreciate the truly wondrful man I've now been with for 3 yrs who loves me just for me. P.S. i have gained 45lbs since we got together and not a day goes by without him telling me how beautiful i am and how much he loves me. my weight has never been an issue for him
I know that there is a lot of beautiful advice on this forum, and I know that some people may not agree with me, but any man who is willing to speak to you in such a disrespectful way is not the one.
The one will mirror your self esteem in a positive light. You will receive positive feedback messages and encouragement. You are a more enlightened individual than your current partner and his focus on physical appearance will only contribute to your insecurity.
You can only try to "work it out" or "learn how to work with each other" in a purely healthy relationship. One where he is reflecting your self-image negatively is not healthy.
I had to leave behind my entire life -- job, family, friends, deep connections to the community of my alma mater -- this past year to escape an abusive relationship (thanks to a shelter like yours who helped me get out.)
It started with negative self-image mirroring and criticisms, storming out and refusing to acknowledge my feelings in a disagreement because "he needed space." It ended with me in the hospital twice. Granted, not all abusive relationships end in physical violence like mine, but I can tell you I wish for every time he had given me negative feedback, he would have hit me instead. The negative feedback stayed with me far longer than the physical damage. I will probably deal with his image of me in the back of my mind for the rest of my life.
Unless you can get him into counseling (without kicking, screaming, bartering, compromising, or making you pay for it -- spent 6 months trying to force mine in counseling) with you... please, and again, I know some forumgoers will disagree with me... don't invest any further in the relationship.
I did not think I would ever be ready to date again, let alone find someone who would treat me in the magical way all the shelter helpers promised he would.
I did. Every day I look back at the relationship with my ex... How miserable and hopeless my life felt... even a year before he raised a fist to me, because he made me feel like crap.
Talk to your organization... take the beautiful advice of the women here who found their worth after leaving the crap behind.. talk to any of us.. talk to me! Call me! Don't let this "iffy" as it was so perfectly stated relationship eat up any more of your time and self-esteem. WE LOVE YOU!
Need some advice (long)...
