Okay this is probably going to sound strange..but ever since i started "seriously" dieting, I have become very isolated..In other words..i dont hang out with people anymore. Before, i used to help out with a youth group three nights a week and host a group of people at my house once a week and now i dont do that anymore. I dont even really talk to my friends anymore except occasionally on facebook. I dont see anyone in person anymore and in fact, i dont like bumping into people i know...I actually tell my hubby that if we are going to hang out, that we should hang out, outside of town instead because i dont want to be seen by people i know in my small town... Does that sound strange???
I feel like..its not that im afraid to go out or leave my house, i just dont want to be seen by anyone...Its like...i dont want them commenting when they see me, on my weight..I hate hearing them say "oh you lost weight! or oh you look like you lost a bit of your tummy or you lost a little in your face, or you look a little smaller". I know that most people would like the compliments but to me they dont feel like compliments.. Instead it feels more like "well gee thanks for noticing, too bad you didnt like me as much before i lost this weight" I dont know..it feels like i go from being invisible to visible when i start losing weight and i just dont want that kind of attention and i dont want anything going to my head either..and a little bit of weight isnt enough for me. I have a goal..my goal is to lose 125 pounds and i know it wont happen overnight..but i dont want to just feel good about what ive done so far and then quit because im on some kind of high because people have noticed...
Call me crazy...but for me... when im focussed on something..im REALLY focussed...I dont want to do anything else but that..I want to invest all my time and effort into that...and since i have a husband and a daughter.. i know that its not possible to do that completely anymore...so it feels like im giving my time to them and now i need enough time for me...
Does any of this make any sense??? To anyone??? Am i crazy? Have i lost it????
Sometimes a person does need to change their playmates and their playgrounds, but I seriously worry if you say you are alienating yourself from everyone you know because you don't want to hear them compliment you.
Comments are just going to be a fact of life, If you really want to get the weight off you are just going to have to suck it up and deal with it. People talk, notice things, and some are actually very sincere when they try and offer words of praise. If you hate hearing it, tell each and every person who comments to please not talk to you about weight. The word will get out in a small town (trust me) and eventually NO ONE will mention your weight to you... I just hope by then, you'll have not changed your mind and use the lack of support as a reason to quit.
Sorry, I really don't mean to sound rude, but the way I see it, this is a no win situation.
If you notice someone who has lost a bit of weight or a lot of weight, wouldn't you give them a compliment, words of encouragement? I think most people appreciate a sincere well-meaning compliment. Maybe, just say thank you, and then change the subject. ???
I think isolating during weight loss is something we're "taught" to do. I think one of the resons I'm succeeding this time is that I'm not isolating myself like I was all those other times.
In the past, I thought I had to give up everything - including socializing- to lose weight. To lose weight, I really thought I had to give up everything good in my life. I felt that I had to put every ounce of energy I had into losing weight, and that meant giving up good food, giving up friends, giving up socializing, giving up buying clothes, giving up buying anything else for myself (because I had to save for that post-weight loss wardrobe). Essentially I had to (I thought) give up just about everything that had any value to me.
Taking all the good things out of my life, eventually would take it's tole. I'd be so incredibly miserable that I'd feel the weight loss wasn't worth it (and it wasn't. Being thinner had no meaning if I had nothing good in my life as a result).
The main way "this time" has been different is that I refuse to put my life on hold while I'm trying to lose weight. I hae to incorporate weight loss into a fabulous life, or the weight loss isn't going to be worth it, and I'm going to give up as I have every time before.
I don't think it's a coincidence that I've not had even the temptation to quit "this time" because there's nothing to quit. I'm just living my life, and making choices that make my life better - rather than making my life suck until some imangined time in the distant future when I'll allow myself to live.
I feel the same way... My friends love to go out and party, and it seems like whenever we hang out its always like, Hey! lets go to JCW'S and get shakes, or lets go do this or that and it always revolves around food! it doesn't help that those friends are size 2 and can eat whatever they want whenever they want. I have found myself isolating myself from them too, mostly because i am afraid that i wont be able to say NO to all of those temptations. And the last thing i want to do is go out with them and be a Party Pooper. I feel like I have really been able to focus on making myself stronger, and healthier, but i am afraid that they wont want to be friends anymore if i keep making up excuses to not go places with them. It doesn't help that when i try to explain that i am trying to get fit, they go all, NO way! you're fine just the way you are! it makes it hard. I don't know what to do!
I think isolating yourself from people who are diet saboteurs or are negative is natural, but I feel concerned that you are isolating yourself from everyone based on your post. If you are, you might want to reconsider- social isolation is never good and depending solely on your spouse as your entire social network puts an awful lot of pressure on him. We all need friends. If you don't feel you can depend on your old friends for support, consider making some new ones - maybe other people who are dieting. You might look in your area for a local "Meetup" group of people with interests that you share.
I don't think it's a coincidence that I've not had even the temptation to quit "this time" because there's nothing to quit. I'm just living my life, and making choices that make my life better - rather than making my life suck until some imangined time in the distant future when I'll allow myself to live.
I think posts like these are why we see the posts "lost weight and now friend is stuck up".
I'm not saying you're stuck up. I just wonder if when people withdraw when losing weight for the exact reasons you are, their friends misinterpret is as 'I'm too good to hang out with you now."
The longer you stay away the harder it will be to go back. Helping out with a youth group is fantastic! You should keep doing it.
It's so hard for some of us, denied compliments for so long, to be able to handle them now. That includes myself as well. It's going to happen, and I think eventually they will stop as people get used to the new you. Don't let life pass you by though because of it!
I know it sounds strange or not good.. I guess i just dont want people to look at me anymore...I feel like when i walk into a room of my friends, they all stare at me like a big elephant just walked into the room...And i hate it how whenever i do mention anything about changing my lifestyle, they feel sorry for me because they think its another diet gone wrong or another failed attempt, like im always going to be fat and im never going to conquer it...This is the first time that i havent gone out and blabbed to anyone about being on a diet. No one except my husband and family knows and for the first time ever, im actually succeeding on my diet and sticking to it and losing weight..I know it sounds strange but i even want to just wear baggy clothes and big men's hoodies that hide my body altogether..I dont want anyone to "see" me..Its not a case of feeling like i need to miss out on things in order to lose weight...in fact.. the funny thing is.. i dont feel like im missing out on life all that much even though ive given up my socializing with everyone...Maybe ive turned into a homebody???
If you don't mind me being a bit bold by asking this, but are you afraid of changing or seeing the changes your body is going through?
Maybe that's it. Maybe you're wanting to change but you're psychologically ready to see the change you want. Maybe you don't want to change because you have been in your body for so long. It's a comfort blanket of sorts looking in the mirror, seeing an image that is familiar to you.
You're losing weight (btw congrats on all your progress!!!), but have you really taken the time to embrace that? Once you learn to love your changing body, maybe you'll be okay with other people acknowledging your body too.
I'm extremely stubborn when it comes to my body and accepting changes. I know that when I was in high school, and even just this past year in college, I wouldn't tell anyone I was dieting or adjusting my habits, so when I ran into someone I hadn't seen in a while, and they would say, "oh, you look like you've slimmed down," I didn't know how to respond because I hadn't prepared myself mentally for the changes or what people might see.
You're a grown women, you obviously know what your body looks like. But maybe you should try taking another look.
Don't hide away because you don't want people to see the change in your body or who you are. Embrace it! Because showing that you're confident in what you're doing, will make you so much more beautiful and you might find that you feel better!
You can't stay hidden away forever!
Porthardygurl... all I can say is Wow! I am glad someone said it for me!!!
I very much identify with some of the things you are describing. I know that I hide a lot when I try to diet or do things for my physical well-being. I have to build up my courage to tell certain friends that I don't want to go out because I am going to the gym. Why? Because I don't want to deal with people thinking they have an open invitation to critique me.
I can really go on and on about this, but to try to make it short, my feelings around this are from direct experience. People seeing me lose weight and then telling me it is good because "now" someone will like me... or pointing out that I look better because my hips are curved differently, but look at those arms, you still have to work on them.... Really? How does my work on my body result in an open call for people to come and review my physical being? I am NOT into that.
I can receive sincere acknowledgement of my work from friends who really know me, but I do not feel good with people just speaking what they think of my body.
I think the real issue for me is that my weight is a symptom of other very real life issues. It's not just a fashion statement and losing weight isn't just about buying a new dress. I remember talking with a friend and trying to explain my position using something people are more sensitive to... alcohol.
If I were an alcoholic and my drinking became so intense that I ended up with destruction in my life, then I worked toward a healthier way of living, people would not likely point out my problems and critique my life in a public way. They would realize my actions were about other problems and would respect that my work toward improvement is ongoing.... it is the same thing with my weight... it's a big deal for me and I can't feel good about casual remarks from people who just don't get the intensity of the journey.
I agree with the idea that in some cases it is best to change the group of people you spend time with. I have developed connections with a small group of people I feel good talking with about this. I stick with that group when I need to talk about this part of my life.
So much for keeping it short... thanks for posting your feelings.
Sometimes it's sort of embarrassing if someone points out that I've lost weight when I feel like I really haven't, so I sorta know where you're coming from. I'm sure that they aren't commenting in a mean-spirited sort of way, though!
If someone comments on your weight, they're showing you that they support you! I know that when someone says that I look thinner I find it encouraging, because sometimes its hard to tell whether I'm really making progress!
I hate hearing them say "oh you lost weight! or oh you look like you lost a bit of your tummy or you lost a little in your face, or you look a little smaller". I know that most people would like the compliments but to me they dont feel like compliments.. Instead it feels more like "well gee thanks for noticing, too bad you didnt like me as much before i lost this weight"
Lots of good advice in this thread. This part quoted above jumped out at me. I would work on ridding yourself of this attitude as soon as possible. It is totally unfair to your friends who are just trying to be nice and supportive. That kind of an attitude will drive everyone away and make you unpleasant to be around. Drop it!!
Wow, yes I totally understand where OP is coming from. Some of my reasons for withdrawing are similar and some aren't. The reason I most relate is that I recently had an epiphany and realized exactly what I looked like and I almost don't ever want to be in public anymore until I lose weight. I really fight that and try to go out anyway, because it's good for me. The other reason is that my lifestyle has changed since starting to lose weight - I used to go out to drink up to 4 nights a week, and I neither want to do that anymore nor is it good for me or my weight loss attempts. So I avoid situations like that, but still try to go out with friends and do better things. It's tough - I think I will be more social when I've lost more weight but I need to practice now and not isolate myself. Good luck, I really feel for you - but try to keep people in your life. A lot of us who become serious about weight loss fall into this.
I do understand from where you are coming as I have lost a great amount of weight after a couple of life events. Compliments are nice, but constantly hearing about how much weight you have lost or gained can be really irritating, even though the intent was well-meaning. A simple, "You are looking very nice!" will suffice.
I don't hide from the world, but I do feel the same way. I haven't always been heavy. There was a time when I was heavy when I was single and moved to Italy. The very first thing that people with whom I was familiear commented on every time I saw them is whether or not I had gained or lost weight. I am more than the sum of my fat cells! The second time I lost weight was after my son was born. When people (other than close friends and family) make a big fuss over the weightloss it makes me feel that their only focus is and has been my weight. Like I finally did the "correct" thing in their eyes. I mean, I have never told certain people, "Oh, that is great that you finally changed your terrible hair color!" or "I am so happy to see that you have finally had that hideous mole removed from your face!".
Also, it is embarrassing when they gush at me around strangers, especially at social events and parties. I have worked hard to lose that weight and do not intend for strangers to know that I was terribly fat in the past. I just makes it hard to have a fresh start. Sigh.
Last edited by archychick; 07-04-2012 at 05:19 PM.
Diets make me isolated?
