I feel like my mom is a part time job sometimes. I work a full time job (at least 45 hours a week) but it is just above minimum wage. I've not moved out yet and so I am stuck at home. My dad also works, mostly 6 days a week. My mom cannot drive.
So I am stuck driving her around 2 days a week on the weekends so it seems. She will want to go shopping on Saturdays usually. She wants to go to places like fashion bug, walmart, maybe yard sales, to visit her sisters ect. Then on Sunday we have to go grocery shopping to stock up for the week.
Both days we eat at restaurants. I don't like rushing people when they are eating, but she always takes longer to eat than me. If we are at an all you can eat buffet...she seems to eat all she can eat! Or so it feels like it...
And we can't do like 2 trips in one day. For example I can't take her to fashion bug and then we go grocery shopping afterwards. It is too much walking for her arthritis. So I have to do this 2 days...
And it is an all day thing. Yesterday we left around 9 a.m. and didn't get home until after 2p.m. Same with today.
She does buy me lunch. She does usually buy me something I like...but it is just driving me nuts.
I want a social life. I want to do things on the weekend...for ME! What if I wanted to go somewhere else? I am 26 and have no idea how I am ever going to fit in a social life or dating when I have been doing this for her so long...
And like I said she does buy me stuff when we are out, but I am getting tired of material stuff. I have a closet full of clothes, which is cool but it gets hard to manage and just adds stress to my life. I am more into buying only things that really matter to me, and that I really want...she isn't! lol and usually the things I really want I end up buying from my own money anyways...
Then I found her this record player about a year ago that records onto cds so she could record her favorite records or tapes onto a cd. It would make things easier on her. Well she can't work that thing, it is in my room and I do it for her now. I figured it wouldn't be much, she has alot of records she collected from when she grew up...but it wouldn't be that much. Now she is going to yard sales and flea markets to find more records and more tapes for me to put onto cds for her!!! Like I need more stuff to do! And what is crazy is I told her only to give me ones she doesn't already own on cd collections she bought-but then she brings me stuff that I know she already has on cds...I feel like it is inconsiderate-like she is wasting my time? I am recording songs onto a cd she already has on a cd...
So I don't know if I am being selfish? I mean, these are things that makes her life better and as my mother she has raised me and put time into making my life better. She won't be there my whole life, so I should feel thrilled for spending time with her.
On the other hand...I want my own life! I wish she would give me space...even though we live under the same roof.
What do you think?
I think that you should talk to her about it. I'd let her know that you love spending time with her but you'd like to start doing some things on the weekend with friends and you'd like to figure out how she can get her groceries etc, and you two can still spend time together, but still be able to do some things for yourself. This way she doesn't feel like you're saying you don't want to spend time with her, and she can still get groceries etc.
As far as the CD thing, I'd just not do it for her. Tell her you're busy and will do it when you can, and maybe write her some instructions to do it herself. Basically, force her to do it herself by not being available to do it for her.
Its okay, and normal, and healthy for you to want your own life, and there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to have it.
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I think you just need to tell her how you feel. I am 27 and live at home (although I've only recently returned here). And I would never be able to live like you are living. Once you are a grown adult, its difficult to remain in a lifestyle that may only be suitable for a teenager.
One day a week may be reasonable, seeing as she's feeding and housing you. But possibly you can ask for 1 day a week "Me Time" where you are off-limits to the requests of others.
I may sound selfish, but it's better than being resentful.
I think it'll also be easier if you aren't saying "I don't want to" or "I'm not going to" but "let's find a plan that works for what we both need/want". Then its a collaboration that she has a say in, and not a declaration that she just has to accept.
I guess I'm seeing the other side of this. You're 26, still living at home, and hopefully paying room/board, a third of the utilities, food, etc., cleaning products, the costs of running the house, and even WITH that, comes additional helping out at times. If you're paying sufficiently more than "your share" then that could go toward helping your mom find someone else to assist her, but ...
They raised you to 18 years old to let yourself live your life and that was eight years ago. Now that living at home isn't working for you socially, it's time to look to rent a place with a few friends and share that cost and then you'll be out of a situation that's not your ideal. Then you can let your mom know if/when you're able to lend a hand.
Good luck!
Last edited by nationalparker; 06-03-2012 at 05:12 PM.
I do need to talk to her about this. Maybe I can just set guidelines of what I will do on the weekend and work her in between.
She and I would starve before dad brings us home food! lol we have to do the grocery shopping, IF he does go to the store for something he needs, he only gets that and nothing else that she or I need.
nationalparker-they own the house so no rent and if I were to pay rent then dad would have to put that on his income taxes and that would totally mess him up
Plus I usually eat what they make or eat very little in general. If I get special foods then I pay for that. I pay for my cell phone but no utilities-where we live we don't have to pay for water, we don't have cable ect. just electric.
Seems like you are beginning to sort things okay. Do hope it pans out alright.
Sometimes it's a sign that she is trying to hold on to you as it is a very difficult stage for mums to let go their offspring and face an empty nest!
She probably doesn't realize she's monopolizing your free time. She might she it as "girl time." It also sounds like she may be lonely, so she enjoys getting out with you. Just explain it to her.
As far as recording the albums, I agree to write out the directions (every single step!) and show her how to do it. About 10 years ago my dad (at the age of 60+) decided he wanted to learn how to use a computer. In teaching him, I'd write out every single step that would be easiest for him. It was tough but it did teach me patience. I had to do the same thing with my mom when they bought a new tv and dvd player. Something that's just second nature to me, doesn't come so easily to them. It may take some time and lots of patience, but it's well worth it.
Let me add another perspective. How old is mom? Because a lot of what you do to me sounds like the eldercare I do for my Dad.
A lot of the stuff is eerie familiar -- even down to the copying of records. A boring chore for me, but I know it isn't about the THING. It is about the PROCESS of the thing, and taking the time to spend the time with him to do it.
And because even though it's easier for me to just rip it at home or buy a CD, doing it that way means I haven't spent the TIME with him. Which for seniors who danger at the place of being shut ins - matters a lot to their health and well being. They light up to see people because they spend too much time along shoosted to the side of Life. Not sick enough to be SICK SICK but not in their prime so not really IN the thick of it anymore, growing lonely/bored/sad/depressed, etc.
At the same time, we cannot give up our own life to tend to them 24/7. Some kind of balance must be reached for ALL the family.
Talk to Dad about his taking a weekend turn so you both at least get a weekend off totally every other week.
Or see about enrolling Mom in senior classes/transport/volunteering so she can get about while you are at work so everything doesn't have to glom on the weekend. She gets to "air out" during the week so you and Dad don't have to be doing weekend catchup.
You are a 26 year old adult
living in your parents home
getting free meals and taken out for dinners
....what are you b!tching about again? lol
move out =current problem solved... than you will have to support yourself and well have ACTUAL problems to complain about as you cherish each moment you now take for granted
Does your mom work? If not, what does she do all day?!?! Probably she is bored. Maybe she could get a part-time job just for fun?
You're not being selfish. I love my mom and talk to her almost everyday but was don't live together. If I had to spend every day off with my mom I would lose my patience with her and get in HUGE fights...and if I had to drive her everywhere? THAT WOULD DRIVE ME INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!
So you have my sympathies. She needs a new hobby...one that she can bus too...
Dagny, you seriously need to move out. First, it will help both you AND your mum to stand on your own feet. You will get a chance to grow up, do what you like, get friends and well, a life! You can still live close to your mum and come to her house lets say once a week to drive her, spend some time with her, but you'll be visiting, and it makes a huge difference.
Also, you will learn what it actually costs to feed a person, to keep a place (even a little, shared apartment) and other things that will get more than handy. All in all, I think moving out will do all of you good.
You are a 26 year old adult
living in your parents home
getting free meals and taken out for dinners
....what are you b!tching about again? lol
move out =current problem solved... than you will have to support yourself and well have ACTUAL problems to complain about as you cherish each moment you now take for granted
This.
From someone who lives 12 000 miles from her mother. I WISH I had to take her out and do things for her.
Just Venting-My mom
