Possibly little emotive subject, and I sincerely hope I don't upset anyone.
I just wondered, do you think being very obese makes it hard to find love?
I know some people like bigger people, or they love you as a whole and don't care specifically your weight... but I am a young man, I go to bars and things, even tried some sites online. I don't get interest hardly at all really. I only had one relationship in my life, which was quite short, and apart from that only been kissed one other time.
I am a really romantic person, I want a relationship and TRUE LOVE but this is just not happening for me. I am making changes, but I know it will be a long long time until I am a healthy weight. A long time til even 'til I am less than seriosuly obese. I just feel sad and having to be single years and years.
Do you think weight affects finding love?
Jose
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I think it can easily, from my own experience. If only because it lowers your own self esteem so much that you shy away from attention and any interest shown in you, because you think inside "no one's going to want to see me with no clothes on, are they?" But in reality, people may well be interested in you as a person and not care that you're not super fit and skinny. But I always think that in all issues to do with weight, your own way of thinking is the biggest obstacle to overcome. That goes for me too.
I think it does. I think people judge you for your weight, and I also think you just havenīt met the right person. Because when you do she will love you exactly the way you are and the weight wonīt matter. So NEVER give up on finding love, it may be just right around the corner!
Certainly being obese makes it harder. But I like the way you didn't say "impossible".
Like Marchmallow says, one's own self-esteem can be an enormous obstacle, and not just for overweight people. But we're perhaps in a harder place than some when it comes to having self-esteem, because being fat is seen as a major social crime these days. Often we don't like ourselves for being fat, and that makes it very difficult to see how anyone else could appreciate our bodies.
The thing to remember is there are a lot of people in the world, and they all find different things attractive. Some like bigger people, some like smaller people, but there aren't many who like people with no confidence in themselves at all. And if you find yourself a lady-friend, you and she aren't going to be attracted to the same things. Assuming you're a straight man, you don't assume that, like you, everyone in the world is attracted to girl-parts. Similarly, you can't extrapolate from your own views of attractiveness and decide that no one likes fat people.
I worry sometimes about the stigma of going out with a fat person, which the boyfriend presumably has to deal with. He's not bothered by it, but it's just an extra obstacle that can get in the way - your pool of potential partners is limited to those who are willing to stand up in the face of social convention and say "actually, I find this person very attractive, and I don't care what anyone else says about it".
They always say "there's plenty more fish in the sea", but the way I see it, when you're overweight, you're confined to a much smaller sea. So it's still perfectly possible to find love, but it might take longer than if you were skinny.
People definitely judge each other based on appearance, we are genetically programmed to do so. Still, there's more to a person than a body, you just have to try a little harder and not be afraid of rejection. I know self-esteem issues are hard to overcome, but in the end, your happiness is what matters and you need to fight for it. You're already working on reaching a healthy weight and I think that's wonderful! The right girl for you is out here, give her a chance to meet you and learn what a romantic and loving person you can be.
I know a guy who's obese, he's dating a cheerleader. He's outgoing and willing to talk to people, he's open to say 'yes, I am fat.' He seems to be doing pretty well. Good luck!
I'm going to parrot what others have said... it's not impossible, but I think our own attitudes and self worth come in to play.
I'm married, so I can't say for sure. I doubt I could have ever found love at my highest weight because I felt so lousy about myself. Love could have hit me in the face, and I probably wouldn't recognize it. Now that I've lost weight, my confidence has skyrocketed, and I have even grabbed the attention of other men. Is this my overall attitude, or just my appearance? I think it's both.
My marriage has improved with my weight loss. Again, confidence and attitude. The runner's butt hasn't hurt, but I think it's come down to how I feel about myself on the inside and what I project on the outside as a result.
Heavy people find love. They are the ones who I look at who, at on the outside, seem confident and comfortable in their own skin. It comes from inside.
Thank you everyone! I agree. I think I need more confidence and to be open to the idea that someone might like me... that said losing some weight would definitely help!!
Oh, I am not even a straight man and I do not know if this makes another dimension! Gay guys are often more keen to have a super fit partner than straight men are... apart from a small but dedicated group who are the chubby chasers!! I guess I could find a guy like that, I know my ex was! But not too much so, elese they will be against me losing weight amd might not like me slimmer... you know what I mean? Aii, complicated!
I do think guys who don't seem excessively ashamed of their wieght, those who take in good humour, can be more successful in dating. So I apologise to you all if you bear the brunt of my weight angst, i try to keep it away from my social life, hahaha!
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As for your options in the gay world, I'm not in a position to speak with much authority on the subject. But the world has changed an awful lot these past few decades, and it's no longer the case that the only places to meet men are public toilets and clubs full of greased up young skinny blokes with big moustaches. You really don't need to fit into one of the gay stereotypes in order to find someone who'll love you just as you are. You just might have to look a bit further afield than some would. Just don't ask me where to start the search!
You seem like a really thoughtful and kind person - I am certain there are numerous people out there who will be happy to date you. You just have to put yourself out there as available, and like others said, feel confident that you CAN attract a mate.
One of my best friends is gay, he and I were roommates for about 5 years in our 20's. He went to all the 'out there' places to meet people in those days, even bath houses. He never had a partner for more than a few months at best. He was at the time about 6'2" and 200 pounds. After we moved to different cities, he ended up gaining (I'd say) about 100 pounds. It was then that he met his life partner - they've been together now for over 10 years.
I hope that gives you a little boost of confidence to get out there and get looking! GL!
Thank you everyone! I agree. I think I need more confidence and to be open to the idea that someone might like me... that said losing some weight would definitely help!!
Oh, I am not even a straight man and I do not know if this makes another dimension!
I echo what others have said to an extent - the way you carry yourself and your self-esteem makes a big difference. However, I think the dating pool is much, much smaller when you're obese. The fact is most people just prefer people of a "healthy" weight. I prefer myself that way, too, so I can understand.
And yeah, some gay men can be superficial about appearance, but I'm sure there's someone out there who would love you right now. No one's perfect, and no one deserves to be alone until that mythical day when they're perfect enough to fit some arbitrary ideal.
The main advice I can give you (as I'm going through the same at the moment) is to focus on loving yourself. That means taking care of yourself health wise, and focusing on all the awesome qualities you have right now. I may be working on my weight issue, but I'm funny, smart, a caring friend, a good sister, etc. As you do that, the weight will come off, you'll start feeling better and better, and it will just keep feeding itself. If you think about it, the one person on earth who should love you the most is you. Work on that, and you'll meet someone eventually.
Last edited by Bridget Jones; 06-02-2012 at 01:50 PM.
Gay men do have a reputation for being shallow and focused on appearance and fitness - but like all stereotypes, it's an unfair generalization and not thoroughly true of most actual people.
I suggest that instead of looking for love in bars, you focus on things you are interested in, meet people that way, and let relationships develop on their own. In bars, people tend to be more looking for pickups and are naturally focused more on appearance in that context. If you pursue your interests, you'll meet people who are interested in you because you are interested in the same things they are.
So, think about what you like to do and what you value. Do you like music? Maybe there is a gay men's chorus in your area. Political activism, volunteering, gaming, collectibles - whatever it is that you are into, seek out communities that are involved in those things and get yourself involved. It will take some patience but I promise it will be worth it.
He he, I know Brid! I am sure most of us can never understand the idea to meet in a toilet!! I know nice events that go on, for example one I am at last night, which was like a tea party. I do OK, I meet friends... just rarely romance. I guess the situation is love can find us at any time, we don't know who or when, it could be when you are slim, could be when you're fat. Love can be hard to find for all of us! But can be a wonderful thing everyone can have too!
It is like Diana Ross, just have to wait, hehehe!!
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Finding LOVE
