When my mom had a day care, I was just out of high school and not as heavy as I am now (but still overweight). I learned pretty quickly that little kids rarely ever said anything about weight to be intentionally mean. One little girl came up to me one day and said "Rainbow, you have BIG! armth!" (she had a bit of a lisp, which made her cuter) and I said "yes I do!" and she said "are they big tho you can fight monthters?(monsters)?" :-D
It's hard sometimes to hear children say "you're fat" or "your tummy is big" but it helps to remember, like gonnadoitthistime said, they say those words much like they'd say "that's yellow" or "that's purple."
i hope you werent offended by the kid. in his/her mind it was aa legitimate question.
my niece came into the bathroom when i was bathing a few years ago, she was 4 then, and saw me there and asked 'sammy, why are you so fat?' i was obviously horrified, and really bummed out. but when i went to talk to her later i just asked her 3 questions
1. kirsten, do you love aunt sammy? (yes)
2. do you think aunt sammy is beautiful? (yes again)
3. why do you think it matters that i am big? (......)
she had no answer for that, but she never called me fat again
Last week a little girl at the grocery store told me I have a "big 'ol giant butt". I figure she either hears her mother talk about her own butt or her father make comments about her mother's butt. I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it. She was only 4 or 5 years old. I did cry but I was having an awful day already and it was the second comment I had gotten from a stranger that day. For all I know her father loves big butts and she's just repeating something he's said.
Last edited by LandonsBaby; 04-22-2012 at 06:09 PM.
would you please look at the age range you are discussing!??? these are kids
FOUR TO SIX years old!
they've only been walking for, at the most, 3 to 5 years;
they have been able to carry a conversation for, at the most, 2 to 4 years;
and you get bent out of shape because they "lack social filters"!???
from a 14 to 16 year old, yeah - i get it.
but children that age are not "rude" - "rude" is saying something with the intention to hurt. children this age - whether it's mental or chronological - are not trying to be rude; they are trying to process a mudslide of information that slams into their faces each and every day.
WE are the adults, it's up to US to manage our emotions, not the child.
The local store is owned by a family who just moved here from India. They are all tiny and their English is a bit rough. For the past few months the older woman at the store has asked me, "when will baby come?" First time, I got really upset and left... second time, I was still a little upset and left again...third time, I made a joke of it... "They're twins, and in about 3 months..." She noticed I'm a little smaller the other day and asked me if I was really having a baby or not and I said... "no..." and giggled, she laughed too and apologized... It might have been a little mean for me to lead her on, but I really don't think people should ask women if they are pregnant or not... Wait for the woman to tell you!!!
I love your story. It reminds me of something similar...The dry cleaner lady used to insist that my short-haired daughter must be a boy. I had recently had her whispy hair cut (she was like 18 months old) to try to make it look thicker or at the very least, kept up.
It got to a point where I'm like UMmmmm...does she really think I do not know my kid is a girl or a boy? I should have just gone with it like you did, But instead, I changed dry cleaners.
OP - you handled everything well. There's reaction, over reaction and non reaction. Yours was perfect. You did nothing wrong. You need not explain a damn thing.
I am amazed you didn't cry. I would have cried, and still be crying. Kids say the rudest things sometimes. If that was my child, I would have corrected them and told them it is rude to comment on someone's body size, and made them apologize for hurting someone's feelings. That is especially hurtful since the woman had lost weight herself, and she should have educated her kids a little better. Anyways, don't worry about it, and especially don't let it set you back. Just keep working towards better health for yourself, and ignore the thoughts and comments of others. We are worth more than just what other people think of us, especially those of us who have only been around for 4 years. Hugs to you.
Is this said like you have kids and have been the mom in this situation, or is this said like you don't actually have kids so you know if you did you've handle it just perfectly....?
Cause you sound way too confident on how you'd have addressed it to actually have kids, but hey, maybe I'm wrong.
I have 2 kids. The older one is almost 5. I remember when he was about 3 1/2 I was at doctor's appointment in the waiting room and he commented "that man is really big"...and the guy was. I was over weight at the time, and my husband is about a 48 in men's pants, so my son is no strangeer to overweight people.
It wasn't lack of teaching him on our part. What do you expect parents to do? Every morning show my son our fat bodies in our underpants and say "see how we are big, well don't ever say it, especially to other people, because its rude." Jesus H. Christ, he doesn't even know what rude means. Its a very abtract word for a child.
Of course before I had kids I thought I'd handle it so perfectly and efficiently, like you said, and my darling little boy would never utter hurtful words again...then reality sets in...
Well, after my son said that, and I realized I had not actually dropped dead from embarassment, I quickly said I'm sorry to the man, I called my son over to me, and pulled him to far part of the room where we were out of ear shot of everyone else. I told him that yes that man was big, but that it might make him cry if you tell him that. I told him if he sees someone that looks big or small or short or tall that you don't need to tell me about it. In the moment, I did not tell him to apologize only because had I been the that man, I would not want to further continue the mortifing moment by having the kid apologize to my infront of a room full of people.
That was to best I managed. I doubt my son fully understood the concept of why saying what someone one looks like is hurtful. And when the moment comes, as a parent, you are usually caught off guard. Looking back, with a clear mind, I wish I addressed apologizing. NOT demended he do it, but attempt to lead him to the choice on his own...which would probably not work well with a 3 year old.
I'm just saying, people who don't have kids, always think they'll be the best parents. And they are a lot quicker to jugde parents on how they handle their kids. And you were very quick to blame the parent for not teaching this child more. Maybe you have kids, but its not obvious by your response.
Oh, I realize how hurt you must have felt. But kids are just kids and since their mom had just lost weight (after being pregnant with her youngest), she probably explained to them that she was getting thinner because there was not a baby in her tummy anymore. You shouldn't feel offended, stuff like this happens to everyone all the time, not necessarily weight related.
I am the oldest and my siblings were very small when I was a teenager. One day, when I was babysitting, I had taken my then-three-year-old sister to a local veggie restaurant/health food store. It was known to be a little woo-woo/ju-ju/ new-agey, so it was not strange that there was a large, grey-haired lady on the front patio of the cafe, wearing a billowing crepe skirt and floral hat, giving a tarot card reading to a patron. As I walked by, my sister shouted out, "Look! Look! It's Mother Goose!!" I shushed her quickly and we had a talk about making comments about other people's appearances inside, though I didn't want to draw more attention to it by having her apologize to the lady, (who I think was probably more amused than offended anyway).
All that to say that kids can say things that are awkward sometimes, and just because that little kid thought you looked preggo doesn't mean you actually do. Everyone is giant to a three year old. That lady really didn't look like mother goose to me. And ya know what? I'm kind of done with pretending I'm not fat anyway. I am fat. And doing something about it so I won't be fat anymore. It's more awkward not to acknowledge it.
We went over to the home of an old friend of my husband's last night. They were friends in high school and reconnected through facebook, so we decided to have dinner at their place. They have two little kids, 4 and 6. It was lovely to meet them, and things were going great, and then the younger one asked if we have any kids. I said no. He asked if we were going to have any kids, again I said no. Then he turns to his mom and says "well why is her tummy so fat then if there's no baby in there"...
The mom handled it really well and said "well God makes everyone different, in all shapes, sizes and colors, and she is perfect because God made her". I guess that the mom had just lost 60lbs so the kids are super aware of weight and weight loss right now, so it made it something they noticed.
Nonetheless, I was pretty embarrassed, and wanted to cry, but really didn't want to make a big deal out of it. It just really was not what I needed to hear last night. Meeting new people and having it literally said out loud that I'm fat just was not what I needed.
(((hugs)))
I experienced something similar many years ago, when I was even more overweight than I am now. I babysat for a family that was very healthy and thin. One day, when the mother and I were both standing in the kitchen, the oldest son (approximately 5-years-old at the time) asked why I was "big like an elephant". I told him that everyone is different, and used his mom as an example in saying, "she is tall like a giraffe".
Fortunately/unfortunately, kids speak the truth and do not understand why saying something like that would hurt someone elses' feelings. As much as it may have hurt, just know that it was not said out of ill-will, but the pure curiosity of a child.
When my son maybe 5 we saw a man with long tied back hair and a black eye patch in the store.. SO of course my son had to yell to him" Hey are you a pirate?!" Well before I could correct him the guy looks at him and said ARRGGGGG! Right back.. made my son laugh. The guy must hear it all the time from kids. I'm glad he had the sense of humor to play along with it.
I teach very young kids and I have gotten asked why I am so tall, pale, etc. I've been asked several times if I have a baby in my tummy. I just grin and say, "Nope! Just nachos!" They think it's funny, and so do I. 3 and 4 year olds are just curious. Now, if I taught 5th graders and I got asked that...grrrr!
OP, I'm so sorry you were sad. You are beautiful!!!
At least it was a child and not an adult. I was working at a hotel one time and I had a woman who I worked with daily look at me after a few months and ask if I was pregnant and when I told her no she laughed in my face.
I'm sure they didn't mean anything by it. The mom seems to have handled it extremely well. Don't let it get you down!
Anything a little one says is innocent curiousity and I could tell by your post you get that but I do understand and can certainly sympathize with the terrible humiliation that can accompany words that directly correlate to our biggest vulnerabilities. I'm sorry your spirit got bruised but it's so much easier to recover from when you know it's not from a nasty adult being catty or just downright ugly.
A few months ago, a really good friend of mine's young son kept telling me how "tough" I was and he wanted to be "tough", too when he grew up. I hadn't the foggiest what he was talking about. I'm short and fat but about as "tough" looking as a cupcake. I shrugged it off and didn't think much about it until we were saying goodbyes and he kept saying how tough I was like his dad and I saw my friend's face go crimson and she started getting on to him and telling him to apologize. He then elaborated that I was tough and big fat like his daddy. She later explained he calls fat people tough. I won't lie, that hot, sick feeling of shame crept from my toes to my eyes in slow motion and lightning speed all at the same time. I immediately jumped to his defense, hugged him and told him he said or did nothing wrong that I *was* pretty darn tough and he was exactly right. The drive home was relatively snotty and riddled with kleenex.
Of course, this seems to be a trend with this family as a few summers ago when this same friend was preggo and literally days away from delivery. It was HOT, hot hotness down here and everyone was miserable from the heat. We had a playgroup scheduled and when she arrived she started going on about how big and fat she was (she's normally tiny) and how the heat was so hard with her girth and on and on about the bigness and the heat. Then she looked at me in front of the group and said "I just don't know how you can stand being so big like this all the time and especially during the summer". Mortification was my new zip code and I honestly could not speak for several minutes. She never even knew she waylaid me to the bone. It was true what she said though. I'm sure she couldn't understand how I do it....because I don't either. I have some parts broken. So does she. They just aren't visible parts.
On a lighter note, gotta share my it'l one's moment of filterless finesse. We were at Target and she was about 3 or so and she kept staring wide eyed and white faced at the check out lady and mumbling something and pointing towards her. I just couldn't understand her and was preoccupied with paying and bags when her mumbling got steadily clearer, and louder and the moment I realized she was saying "Wicky witch, wicky witch!" The checker is cooing at her and talking so sweetly and my child screams "NO! Wicky witch don't talk to mommy!"
She thought she was a wicked witch. I made it to the car in record time.
Threenorms - I was upset because it was said, but not offended. I didn't think badly of the kid or the mom, just sad that it was embarrassing to have my biggest insecurity said aloud.
My husband and I discussed that this was one of those things that is no one's fault, but it sucks nonetheless.
I gave myself Sunday to wallow and did yard work to clear my head and now I'm back in the game, and living life like normal.
