[ParadiseFalls]

I don't really have any advice, but I just wanted to say hang in there! I have no experience with anything near what you're dealing with, but I was in an 8-year relationship with a boy whose mother I could not STAND. It got better in the last couple of years, but your troubles have already gone on so much longer. Anyway, I hope that if you can't learn to like each other, you can at least compartmentalize the annoyance and try to ignore her

[astrophe]

My mother in law tends to get all "daydreamy" of plans and is so unrealistic and me being a people pleaser find it hard to make her happy, my husband happy, my kids happy and me happy when it's nearly impossible as we all have different ideas/things taht make us happy.

Been there!

Give yourself permission to be on vacation and not people please all the time. Take a break. Let everyone else hold their own emotional baggage. You are not responsible for other people and their happy 24/7.

Take a poll of the people. Perhaps agree on top 3 things to hit as a big group, and then let the rest be what it is for your resting vacation needs. So you don't please her daily while on vacation. And? Is that so horrid? To want a break from people pleasing?

My Dad is that way. Controlling and narcisstic. He complains I do "elder abuse" because I won't give in to his every whim. He also complains I'm "bossy" and a whole mess of other stuff. Everyone knows I'm not unkind -- and everyone knows he's being unreasonable and he's one of those fusspot seniors! Not all seniors age well or pleasantly. That is the reality.

He also struggles with mental illness. We're not unkind to him or inconsiderate of his needs but we do have to take a firm hand with him sometimes when his expectations are just over the top and he views his wants as needs. We meet his needs for care. But his wants take turns with everyone else's wants. Where we go out to dinner, what movie we rent to watch, etc. It is not his way all the time. It is fair. And he doesn't like it.

That he doesn't like that? That's his problem. His own unrealistic expectation that "his way should be the way all the time" sets him up for disappointment when it isn't. That's not his people hurting him. That's him and his thinking hurting himself. Mom used to try to change his mind but I told her to leave that job to his psych. Don't be doing other people's jobs. We do ours. Psych does his. Dad? He has his jobs. He can choose to apply himself and do his therapies work with his psych or not. He's the one who was to live his life. We cannot live it for him.

We can only choose how we want to live our own.

We all traveled to my grandma's 90th bday. Big family reunion. Dad wanted to control everything all the time and that was nuts. My sister and I ignored his nonsense and asked Mom what her top three things were. Turns out she only had two. So we did them to honor her and honor my grandmother since she's the reason for the big reunion. We also let Dad pick some things he wanted so he got something. But the REST of the time? We did as we pleased and took off in separate directions. We all thought it was fine and fair. Dad was huffy he didn't get to boss all.

But 7 people unhappy trying to please the unpleasable + 1 grumpy pants?

How's that better than 7 people reasonably happy + 1 grumpy pants?

He's always grumpy pants, and his grumpy stems from his own overstepping bounds/unreasonable expectations!

My kid is 8. She knows her grandad is a fusspot. I don't want to raise a people pleaser. So I invite her, but if she doesn't want to come I don't make her when I go see the parents. If she decides to come along? I don't MAKE her play with him. She has to be polite and clean up whatever when she's done playing as basic manners. But I won't dictate to her how she spends her time there. She knows there's consequences. If she makes a big old fort, she's cleaning up that big old fort! If she makes the cat mad, he might scratch. If she decides to play with grandad, he might be having a good day or he may be in fusspot mode. It is what it is.

I don't say anything mean about my Dad to her. But the child herself can see he is difficult and she reacts naturally. If she spends less time with him because he's a fusspot... He can choose to try to be less fusspot or not. Sometimes she plays with my dad. She obviously prefers playing with my mom, because mom leaves her alone and doesn't try to control the games like my dad does. Sometimes she's off with the cat and other times she just wants to play by herself.

Dad says I'm "brainwashing her" against him. I pay it no mind and let the child-grandad relationship unfold however it will. It's their relationship to develop. Not mine. THEIRS.

What I won't do is force her to play with him and raise a people pleaser. That can lead to accepting abuse/drama/wacky in future relationships because she's not secure about just saying "thanks, but no thanks. not for me right now."

I rather support her in her making her own judgement calls about who she wants to be with or not. She can own that. And Dad? He can own how his fusspot alienates his grandkid. That's his baggage to decide to hold, or drop. Not mine to dictate or hold for him, no matter how many times he tries to saddle me with that baggage.

A.

[PrincessSophia]

Originally Posted by myhaloisintheshop

As someone with a son that is also high functioning autistic--I totally understand the frustrations of in laws pushing something.

I feel like my in laws feel like Im the problem and that my son isn't autistic. It infuriates me to no end. Im the only one that has researched and talked to doctors. My husband doesn't even research it. Their way of thinking and pushing makes things so much harder on me and causes a regression.

I don't think i could handle it on a daily basis.

I second that... My parents also tried to find problems somewhere else... He doesnt speak yet because he is boy not because he is autistic... Or we had never have any history of autism in our family, dont push too much... (probably, my mother in low told my husband the same things but he is much more harder than me, so she stopped instantly).

What I tried to when I came back from depression is to teach everyone around to help my son. Basic ABA, basic floor time, prt... etc. So they should know what to do (and provide tons of information but I ma not sure it helped much)

[Vex]

I totally understand what you're saying. My son is 10 and probably has aspergers (I am not getting anything diagnosed, but that's another story.)

Both my mother and my mother in law are the same way. For example, despite the fact that I tell them, yes he really only eats 3 things, they push and push other stuff on him. Another language? He's still working on English thank you.

Luckily I don't live with them, like you do. It doesn't seem like anything you say will make them stop - and they probably won't. All you can probably do is talk to your son afterwards that grandma just loves you and those are the ways she shows it - that HE isn't doing anything wrong.

Is her moving out an option? I doubt it's going to get better down the line and you definitely don't want to end up hating her. Is it really worth having that much stress every day? What does your husband think - it's his mom.

.

[berryblondeboys]

Thank you everyone... For day to day stuff we have found a way to make it work. It helps a lot that we found a place that accomodates everyone. It was a planned move. She followed us everywhere with our moves and she does some things that made us worried about her living alone - like not eating sometimes. And, when we moved this last time, we knew it was our last big move (or so we hope) and on our own we couldn't afford a home that also suit his mom if/when her health really went south and we knew that day was coming. So, we had the big family talk and decided it was better to pool resources and get a home that was big enough and arranged in a way that gave us all enough space to live comfortably.

So, there is asking no her to leave. She owns part of the house - and we planned it that way so no one gets in their head "it's my house - like it or leave it" mentality. basically she provided the down payment (less than she would pay if she was buying her own single bedroom simple condo) and we took on the mortgage. We also pay all the utilities, cable, phone, food, etc. For things like phone and food my husband keeps track of her portion of that and if we ever need help with something in the house - like last year we needed new gutters, we ask her to pay for part of it from the money she is 'saving' on not buying food/phone, etc. That way she is contributing, we aren't taking advantage of anything and don't feel we are being taken advantage of either. All of that financial stuff works nicely for all of us.

We all have our own spaces too. On the main level she has a living room (19x13), a bedroom (13x14) and her own bathroom. On the main level is also the kitchen and dining/sitting area and laundry room - we share that space, but I take care of it. We have the upstairs - all the bedrooms, office, bathrooms and a family room over the garage. Basement I guess is shared, but she never uses it - it's for storage - (she has some down there) and a big open room with a ping pong table and a couch and TV for the Wii.

Basically, she lives like a boarder. She has her own private spaces and comes out for meals and we all eat together.

It's just for me, I don't like her company (never have) and I prefer to avoid her as much as possible. It's the only way I can stay sane.

You know what else is really odd about her behavior? She's a psychiatrist and a neurologist. You would think her training would make her more in tune or knowledgeable. Nope. She is in denial that her older grandson has terrible ADHD and then wonders why he is so disorganized? And she totally doesn't get autism. I think for her because he's not severe, it doesn't count or something. He is very verbal, gives good eye contact and is very bright. He just doesn't care to play or be part of a group and his behavior is very repetitive as his is language (telling you the same thing over and over again).

Oh well... Sorry for the novel.

[futuresize6]

There is a golden rule-no 2 grown women can live in a home at the same time.
I believe it to be true based on my past experiences and from friends' experiences. Now with that being said-just so I don't sound horribly insensitive and a vile human being-my MIL passed away very young almost 2 yrs ago very abruptly and unexpectedly...and... It has been the most peaceful 2 yrs of my life since being with my hubby 20 yrs now. Sorry if it offends some ppl but it's the honest truth. So I keep this knowledge for my 2 teens at home who will be married some day...
So dont feel badly for wanting to have a normal relaxing vacation and for that matter...and a life.

[AlyN]

Oh Goodness. It's hard with women. There is no "alpha male", you can't fight it out, and yet you don't want to "put her in her place" for fear of the dramatics afterwards, especially when children are involved.

But I would just explain to your children that while they have to respect her, they have to live their lives according to their personalities. Not hers. That's the whole thing, it sounds like she is only thinking of her perfect life and not understanding that it directly contradicts others.
Hang in there! Sometimes, you just have to ignore ignore ignore. Others, kill with kindness. Whatever your choice, stick with it. Don't back down. And always be you.

[puneri]

Guys remember one day you too going to be old and some one is going to "rant" about you.
Patience and tolerance have no place in this world looks like. I am an Indian almost 60 years old. What I have seen is mil and dil do not get along for some years and after some years they cannot live separate. If you want to fight, fight. If you want to shout, shout at each other. But after that you should be able to talk to each other and make up. That is called " family".
Never forget each person has some good and some bad qualities, no one is only good or only bad. But, once you know he/she is your family, you should be able to let go some things.
Always remember one day you are also going to need help and if your son has seen you helping his grand mom, he will feel it is his duty to help you.
As you sow, so you reap.