Need personal relationship advice...
 

I'm 24. My fiance is 35. I make $37,xxx/year, he makes less than $500/month. We live mostly on my income, and I also support his two young boys, ages 3 and 4, we have half custody of them. We have been together for two years and he has made this amount in income for about 1 1/2 year, he was doing much better financially when we first started dating.

I have tried numerous times to aid in his income making abilities, such as moving to a new home with a large garage, that he can work out of (he is a mechanic, and him not having a proper place to work on cars was a previous excuse). He helps out around the home occasionally, but I do most of the cooking, cleaning, shopping, and caregiving.

I love him and the boys very much, but I feel that our financial situation is causing a serious strain on our relationship. I have tried to explain this to him and I consistently express my stress over money as I handle our finances, but nothing changes. I work hard with nothing to show for it.

When is enough, enough? I don't want to end our relationship. But I also don't want to live this way for the rest of my life. I deserve more.

Btw, I don't mean to dump on yal, or boo hoo about my life. I'm just looking for true, unbiased, advice. My friends are certainly biased.

Coming from a guy that has to lay off his men from time to time in this economy I can tell you it's all about one thing...

effort!

We build and remodel car dealerships and have sometimes just a moments notice to start work on projects...on remodel stuff.

I have guys that I can call at any time and will go wherever I need them with no complaints....

then I have guys that want to know how long is the job, is the hotel nice, overtime pay....blah-blah-blah....

those guys can sit at home until their unemployment runs out or I really need them...

the other guys keep adding to their union pensions and medical insurance and climbing up the ladder...

so..once again...

how is his effort?

For real...how is it?

Good luck in deciding your future with him and his kids.

Chances are, he isn't going to change. So I think you need to decide if you can live with this situation for the long term. It is a tough situation to be in and I feel really bad for you.

You know that he is capable of pulling his weight financially, but he chooses to live off of your generosity. My ex husband was similar, which is a major part of the reason he is now an ex.

Sigh. After 2 years I think I'd just end it. That's enough of a dating trial run. The guy doesn't sound like "partner" material if you are looking for a partner.

You already live with him and see how he is. I don't think much of that will change.

Esp since you write he's not making efforts despite your talking to him about your concerns. You talk, and nothing changes. Well... how long DO you want to keep on with that?

He doesn't sound like he's job hunting. And he only helps occassionally in the home? He ought to be the best Stay-at-home-dad he can be since he's the one working out of the home less and they are his kids.

But it sounds like you are the one doing the bulk of both career and the SAHM duties and getting run down by it. And he's just a boyfriend – he's not actually your husband and these are not actually your stepkids!

I mean, if you are not wanting a partner and just wanted to date... you could date him and live in separate apartments and not have the extra hassle or work he brings you!

So why be living together this way when you are not happy? You do deserve better.

A.

From what you have said it seems like he is using you. He knows that you care about him and the children so he does not feel the need to work harder. If couldn't work from home, why didn't he go to a dealership or even jiffy lube. A real man will take care of his family by any means.

He has two children which are his responsibility first, not yours. You are helping because you care, but as their father he should be the one breaking his back making sure that they have what they need. You teach people how to treat you. As Juliana said he is probably not going to change. If this has been going on for over a year that is the way he likes it.

Thank You all for such great and quick replies. You have said what I expected.

Ezmoney, I honestly don't know what kind of effort he is putting into it. He goes out to the garage. Tinkers. Then comes in dirty I think. I don't know because I do not spend a lot of time out there. I'm usually at work, or cleaning, or cooking, or picking up after someone. Mind you, I'm a retail manager, so I work crazy hours, with crazy days off, with crazy people. And I spend most of my working days cleaning up after someone.

Juliana, your completely right. This situation won't change. A good for you for getting yourself out of a bad situation.

Astrophe, not only do I talk, I cry, beg, yell, and nothing changes. (This is the usual process for these conversations: talk, cry, beg, yell. Rinse well, then repeat.) I've even talked to him about just helping me out more in the home, so when I get home, I can just relax. Nope. Doesn't work.

Mizzthingaling, no HS Diploma or ASE Certification (a mechanics diploma) is why he says he can't work at these places. Plus, we a one car household, so he does tote me back and forth to work, a 20 minute round trip drive, if that. My car broke down, never got fixed (go figure), and with him not pulling his weight, I can't afford a car right now.

I don't want to up and leave if I don't have to. One more conversation, one more chance. It's a FINAL chance though.

What would you all consider to be an appropriate timeline for change?

One month for a noticeable effort? Two months for change? Three months for drastic change? One year for keeping it up? Two years for re-evaluation?

Or should I just hang it up? I manage a retail store. Not him.

Before I met my now husband, I lived with a guy like this for 6 years. Never changed with any ultimatums, fighting, yelling, crying, or calm talks. My advice? Hang it up. :(

My friend was in a similar situation and it caused her much heartache. Her boyfriend stopped working just after they got together. He spent his days doing hobbies and nothing much else. A few months later, after begging him to get a job, and helping him get interviews that he sabotaged, she left him without telling him. She ended up getting back with him about a year later. He had a job and kept it. They're still together and going on two years. He is once again jobless, with no inclination at all to work, and being supported by her.

In your case, your partner has a responsibility to financially support his children. This does not have to be by mechanic work, and really, this point should be put to him. Any job that pays any amount would be appreciated. You should't have to support him and you will resent it later on. I can't tell you to leave or stay, but you don't need to be in a relationship that is not equal. Don't let yourself be used. If he has no inclination to earn anything, then he should be doing more around the house to help you out. Good luck, I wish you all the best.

The fact that he's a mechanic and hasn't even fixed your car isn't a good sign either... Unless he tried and it wouldn't have been worth it....

Originally Posted by :
Astrophe, not only do I talk, I cry, beg, yell, and nothing changes. (This is the usual process for these conversations: talk, cry, beg, yell. Rinse well, then repeat.) I've even talked to him about just helping me out more in the home, so when I get home, I can just relax. Nope. Doesn't work.

WOW. Begging, crying... and he still doesn't act like your concerns are valid despite seeing how much they upset you?

I don't think he values you. I'd start hanging it up. :(

Originally Posted by :
no HS Diploma or ASE Certification (a mechanics diploma) is why he says he can't work at these places.

This would bother me. He is 35 and not at least working at getting these things? So that he can improve the job thing if he loves mechanics so?

Not getting ANY ol' job to help out -- even flipping burgers? Not helping in the home? Jeez!

He doesn't sound much on effort at all! Just going to coast along all his life? His poor kids! They're stuck with him. You at least can get away!

Originally Posted by :
The fact that he's a mechanic and hasn't even fixed your car isn't a good sign either... Unless he tried and it wouldn't have been worth it....

Good point! How is your car? And if you aren't spending to support him and his kids, how soon can you get it mended?

Because then you can get to work without his help. Can you take the bus now? Start detaching?

Are you safe? Will there be retaliation at the break up?

Def plan to change the locks if you own the house. Or if renting, maybe YOU move out to a new flat? Breaking up is hard, but it is def easier done now than later!

I'm so sorry you are going through this. :hug:

A.

Sorry, but you are being used. He has too good of a thing - he's 35 and he has a young girl like you supporting him and his kids financially. Do not ever EVER consider marrying someone who already has to "change" before the marriage. You have become his mother. You are young and free - find someone who will at least be your equal. He is 35 - he knows better.

Originally Posted by LinZzZloo:
My car broke down, never got fixed (go figure), and with him not pulling his weight, I can't afford a car right now.

So...... he works on cars..... and... can't fix yours? I mean, if its like, in need of a new engine or something major, I get it, but... he can't even try for THAT, for something he knows for sure how to do?

Oh, dear. Please.. it'll be hard, but do not waste your life raising his kids and supporting him, only to come out in the end with nothing. In this stay-at-home time he could have gotten his GED. REALLY EASILY. Sigh.

Cut the apron strings. I'm sorry! :(

Another vote for no more time at all, you've already given him all the time he needs to show you he's not willing to change.

Why hasn't he fixed your car? (mostly just curious)
He's not going to change. Why should he? You're supporting him and his boys. He's got a good thing going on. I think you need to decide if you are happy supporting him and his boys or if you would rather not. It sounds like you would rather not. I also think you have a glimpse of what your future would be should you have a child with him. He can't support the ones he has---how do you think he would support a child you have with him?

I'm finding there are two types of people in the world. People willing to work hard to try to get ahead and people who are not willing to work hard to try to get ahead. I'm not sure why this is.

I definitely feel for you (and those kids). You cannot expect your fiance to change, however. He might, but I think history indicates otherwise.

Can you be happy if he doesn't change? Are you okay with living this way if he doesn't change? Base your decisions on the answer to these questions.

The less time you give him the better. He has no reason to change and if you give him 1 year, you won't see a change for 11 months - and then his motive is suspect.

You need to move on, and then if he changes - separate from you, and has at least a one year track record and you still love him, then you can consider going back.

People can change, but don't wait for him!

Originally Posted by midwife:
I'm finding there are two types of people in the world. People willing to work hard to try to get ahead and people who are not willing to work hard to try to get ahead. I'm not sure why this is.

I definitely feel for you (and those kids). You cannot expect your fiance to change, however. He might, but I think history indicates otherwise.

Can you be happy if he doesn't change? Are you okay with living this way if he doesn't change? Base your decisions on the answer to these questions.

This. I really do understand where you're coming from. I've had a lot of the same issues with my husband in the past (we've been together 15 years). Granted, he does work full time now, and has for the last six or seven years, but he is definitely one of those people who are not willing to work hard to get ahead. He just works. I'm not saying this to bash my DH, I love him, and am very proud of him for his work ethic now. (he had no positive role models, he used to live just like all of his other crappy family members) BUT, I had to ask myself if I was willing to live this way for the rest of my life. *sigh* That really sounds like I'm bashing my man, but it's just the truth. You have to decide what is going to make you happy. :hug:

He's using you in every way possible, especially in raising HIS kids. My sister was in such a relationship with a guy (no job) and his two little girls. She tried her best, working two jobs to support them all in her apartment, while he played video games till all hours and complained that there were No Jobs when she kept asking him to work. The rest of our family called him "loser boy" or LB and he truly was. She finally wised up after a couple of years and kicked his sorry a** out of her apartment. He had to move back home with parents and still does not have a job.

Dump him - a Zebra will never change its stripes.

Originally Posted by sacha:
Sorry, but you are being used. He has too good of a thing - he's 35 and he has a young girl like you supporting him and his kids financially. Do not ever EVER consider marrying someone who already has to "change" before the marriage. You have become his mother. You are young and free - find someone who will at least be your equal. He is 35 - he knows better.

I agree with everything that has been said. You are young, free, and single, good job, and your life ahead of you (Life is very long looking forward, but very short looking back)!! Hard and all as it will be, do you see a future with him? I think you more or less have made your mind up, and are looking for reassurances that your decision is the correct one, unfortunately we dont know all the details, but from the outside looking in, all the posters so far have said more or less the same thing! You supporting his kids, and another kid (Him). I dont mean to sound rude but is he an actual mechanic, or are cars a hobby of his? Do his friends get him to help with their cars? Its strange that he cannot fix your car (dont know the details or whats wrong, but thats what mechanics are for, unless it costs more to repair than replace the car, is it that he doesnt want to / cant / knows you will pay to get it fixed?). As previous posters have said, he has had plenty of opportunity to get his certs, he is at home every day. You are providing for his kids at the end of the day, he isnt providing for his own. I think you are a really caring person, and can do much better and I apologise if this reply is too harsh.
I really hope this doesn't upset you, but you can do much better. Also if you do end it, who knows, he may change his ways and become the guy he was at the start, he will have to become more independent and things might work out better for ye when he realises everything! I am all for giving people chances and a fair trial.

Hmm from the outside looking in, it very much seems that he is using you. I know it is hard to say what your personal relationship is like..but from my experience I helped out an ex, and am now suing him for the 5 grand he owes me! We weren't even that committed, but I helped his *** out anyways since I could...MISTAKE..

Anyways, if he really loves you and cares what you think he will need to change. If not, then dump him..he has nothing to bring to the relationship other than a cuddle buddy?

If you don't want to cut cold turkey you can move out, or kick him out, or cut him off, to show him you are serious. Whatever it takes, just get him off the tit.

However, there is always that possibility that he will work for awhile to please you then, eventually go back to the way it was, or is now. So if I were you I would really think hard about it. It's the rest of your life....are you ready to bring in a man who can't support his own weight..and two kids that aren't yours for the rest of your life?

If it bothers you now, it will only get worse getting married.

I would also like to add as you begin to detach and he notices, he may begin to take on more responsibilities and start earning an income to show he can change. If you settle back in, things will likely go back to how they are currently.

I say this because I witnessed 20 years of it with my parents. My father would get a job to appease my mom (and consequently rack up debt) then everything would settle down and he'd find some reason to quit. My mom would get upset and threaten and then get fed up and try to leave or kick him out. Only then would he make the effort to get another job. After their divorce, he went from woman to woman using them and always being "out of work."

People are capable of changing, but most times they'll put forth the effort willingly without having to be dragged kicking and screaming. Based on your descriptions, I don't see that happening anytime soon.

The good thing is the kids have some place to go if you leave and your fiance falls behind on rent, gets kicked out, etc. When its hard is you're the sole provider for the kid and there isn't another responsible adult around.

Hope everything works out for you.

My car was in need of transmission work. Costly and time consuming. I ended up selling the car to pay bills. I didnt want to, but it was the car, or lights.

If I were to leave, i would live in the apartments across the street from my work, until I could afford a new car. Stuff like the grocery store would be a little hike. But I would work it out.

He is a real mechanic. When we met he had a busy shop, with employees, and jobs. He was making decent money. Then don't know what happened. Being stolen from, then getting back on his shop rent. After that, it was never the same.

I don't think he would get physical or anything, but I'm easily upset, so he may play on my emotions.

I can't be happy if things don't change. I spend too much time worrying over bills, ruining my credit (I don't know if I can get that apartment now).

Thanks for all the replies.

My father was one who would only work when he felt like it, and when he did have a job when he got tired of it, said he got fired and just day home for another 6 months (at least) and then it would always come up later that he actually quit. He sat home and did absolutely nothing in the house either except sit on his butt. I'm not saying your fiance is like him, tmy point is just that when my parents finally divorced he got a job and kept it because he had no choice. When forced, most people can change. If you decide you really can't take it anymore, try giving him an ultimatum, making it clear how serious you are that it won't be tolerated anymore.

Well if you can, move out before you can't do it. You may find you are starting to save money living only to support yourself! If things are ment to be they will go from there. Don't let the finances screw you over.

OK... lemme get this straight... he's 35, got 2 kids from previous relationship that he shares custody with their mother (I'm assuming), he's not working very much, not helping with household chores, etc while he's not working very much, & not attempting to find more/better work OR further his education in any shape, form or manner, ... and you're with him... BECAUSE?????????

I mean... Seriously?

He may be a super nice, wonderful guy, I don't know. But from the description you've given, he's a total slacker. My advice? Lay down an ultimatum. And then follow thru with the kick to the curb if he doesn't meet your expectations within, say, 3 months. DURING THAT TIME, you should be making an escape route plan.

Sounds like you've thought it out then. What with the apartments near work and all.

I wish you luck!

A.

do you really think she should put her future on hold for 3 months? I'd say just go. If you want you can maintain a relationship with him but do it with your own place without providing for him. I suspect he will get a job when he needs to. If and when he can demonstrate to you that he can be a grown up then you can reconsider living with him.

or you could just cut your ties now.

I think it sounds like a serious discussion is in order. With feelings at stake and two kids in the picture I don't think it's as easy as "run away and ditch them," but I agree that you deserve better!

I agree that people can change if they truly want but JMO... if a guy is 35 and already has 2 kids but is still a bum, I don't see much hope.

Again, thank you everyone for your thoughts. This is something that has to be done and taken care of.

I'm going to try and have one last discussion with him. I'm going to give him a reasonable timeline. And I'm goingbto stick to it. In the meantime, I will be saving every extra penny I can, and hope that I will have enough for when that timeline ends, to make my move if needed. And I will continue to re evaluate as needed, and keep building my savings.

Lin, I just wanted to offer you a hug and some strength to do what you need to do next. Good luck in your efforts and one more thing....you WILL be ok. You're carrying him and his part time children right now....you'll be fine on your own and sometime down the road a bit you'll find a man you deserve, who likewise deserves you.

Times are hard and there are a lot of people renting out a room in their home.
You can look for ads in craigslist and in newspapers in your area.
Find a room or move in with someone looking for a roommate.
There won't be any credit checks.

Then move out your items a little at a time so he does not notice. He could damage your belongings if he knows you are moving.

You don't owe him any explanations. Don't even let him know. Just get everything out and never go back.
Don't leave a forwarding address with him.

Get a P.O. box tomorrow and have your mail re-routed to it.
Hide your key.

Summer is coming soon. Buy a bike or an electric bike off craigslist until you can afford a car.

You might just find a new roomate that will help you out on this move.

You can have the police evict him from your house now ... if the address on his drivers license is not the one you are living at now.

A friend of mine invited nasty old drunks over to her house every night from the local bar and gave them all free drinks. She turned the place into a regular hang-out. She turned the music up really high and told the free-loader she was going deaf. She stopped doing the dishes, the cooking, the laundry, and cleaning the house. She brought no food home. There were empty beer bottles and ashes and cigarette butts all over the place. Her live-in mooch got fed up and left because of her "new lifestyle".
After he left she cleaned up the place. LOL

:D

What nameis on the lease where you live now ? Be sure it is not on your name because you will be liable even if you move. This man sounds lazy beyond belief, do yourself a favor and get on with your life, you deserve better.

124chicksinger, thanks for the hug offer. I do need it. And thanks for the encouragement.

Bargoo, funny, I can't find the lease right now. But I'm sure it's in both of our names. My name first, then his. How would that work?

Originally Posted by LinZzZloo:
Bargoo, funny, I can't find the lease right now. But I'm sure it's in both of our names. My name first, then his. How would that work?

This all depends on the laws in your area, and on the flexibility of your landlord.

One might be able to get their name taken off the lease if they and their current living partner consent to the change, and if the landlord agrees to it.

However, in some cases one might have to pay a sum for leaving the lease early, and a new lease must be drawn up between the other party and the landlord. If your lease is almost up in a couple months, it might be worth steeling yourself and waiting to move so that you don't have to pay anything to leave.

Find that lease. Sometimes the information is right there for what you need to do. You can also call the Landlord and ask for a copy of the lease. I wouldn't mention moving to the landlord unless you are sure that you want to, but once you are positive about it then you should discuss your options with your landlord.

ETA: Some hugs! :hug: Because it sounds like it's a bad situation. You have the strength to do what's best for you.

I was in a similar situation once before, I know it's difficult, but you are a strong, caring and wonderful woman from what I've read, and you can do anything. We're here to support you when you need someone to talk to.

You have the strength in you to do what is necessary!

Like everyone else has said, if you crying, begging, yelling, and such hasn't changed his mind that means it's not going to. I was in the same situation you were in, I was paying my bf rent and not being able to save any money for myself, I worked at my job for a yr and hadn't saved anything, I told him one night that I wanted to take a break bc I couldn't deal with it anymore, and he fought for me. He made me see that throwing away what we had wouldn't do any good and then he went out and got a job. Since then some of the jobs he has had didn't work out with transportation, or they just told him that they hired someone else after promising him the position. The difference is, he tried, he made the effort. He got a job--it may have fallen through but it that was out of his control. If your fiance won't even try, and then on top of that he won't help to clean the house, and he is expecting you to pay for his kids...you're being used and it's wrong. Tell him that he has one last chance to make things right, and that he needs to take care of his own sh*t! I would tell him that he needs to leave and that you aren't paying for HIS kids stuff anymore, you aren't legally married so it's not like they are your responsibility. If he cleans up his act and wants to get back with you then you know that it was for real, but don't go back to living together right away, that way he will have to pay for his own things and not rely on you. I would also take his engagment ring, pawn(or sell) it, and use the money to buy yourself all the things that you have wanted but couldn't bc your money was going into supporting him.
Remember that there is a differnence btw loving and supporting someone in tough times, and someone taking advantage of you. Hope this helps and that things get better!

I have to agree with what has already been said. You asked what is a reasonable time to give him to change - I'd say the year and a half that's already gone by is way more than enough. Get out now before you can't.

Lin

My friend went through this exact same thing. Met a girl on the internet and let her move in with him after only knowing her for a month. He had just moved out of his brothers house and into an apartment. Finally off on his own. She shows up and bleeds him dry. This went on for a year. He ended up having to move in with a friend because he couldnt afford the apartment anymore. He had to force her to get a job, which she kind of fell half a** backwards into. It finally came down to him finding out she had been cheating on him for the better half of the year she lived with him.

By the time it was over with his saving was empty and he had to move back in with his parents and start all over again.

At the end of the day you can still love the person, but just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to let them take advantage of you. You need to do whats best for you.

While I am currently a stay at home wife (when I really could be working). I make sure I pull my weight around the house, cleaning cooking and whatever else needs to be done. So my DH can come home and relax.

I couldn't agree more with the rest of the posts...he isn't going to change. I too shared a home with a man like this. For 8 years I raised his son. He would be laid off 5 months of the year. That was our biggest argument. He had to have the 52" tv, sirius radio, biggest dish network package, etc...but couldn't contribute. Unfortunately he was an alcoholic too...which contributed to the fighting about $...because he would rather spend his $ on alcohol than bills. He always said i 'worried too much about that stuff'. But I worked in banking...and yes...i worried about that stuff. I cared about my credit score and wanted my stuff paid for! Guess that was too much to ask.
After 8 years...i had enough. I stayed longer than i should have for my step son...but needed to make the changes and get myself happy.
I left and filed for divorce. I left MY house, left everything but my dog, and started over. I am now in an amazing relationship with the most caring and loving man. Coincidentally we went to high school together :) I couldn't be happier. I'm so glad I finally found the courage to put myself first. Best diet I ever went on i might add...lost 65 lbs! Lol
Best of luck to you...