[alaskanlaughter]

these are my thoughts...from my experiences...

when i was 19 i got pregnant with my long-time boyfriend and we later got married...it was unplanned and i have NEVER regretted that...although him and i are no longer married i have NEVER regretted having my baby or being with him .....a little while farther in life, i met a man that i later married (still married to)...after we had been together for maybe 3(?) years we went ahead and had a baby...i didnt particularly want to have more children BUT i made a CHOICE to give him a child which was something he passionately wanted in his life...and let me be clear, i CHOSE to do that for him and i have NEVER regretted that choice either....i love both my children with all my heart (probably more than either man i've married lol) and i have NEVER looked back and felt regret over any of those decisions

however i do NOT plan on having more children...both pregnancies took a toll on my physical and emotional health..lots of weight gain with both...the childbirth for both children was long, difficult and traumatic...that being said, i am 34 now and plan to focus on MY health, MY body and do not want any more children...ever...my DH knows that and, at this point, he is okay with that although i think he would like more

if DH gets to the point where he desperately wants to have more children, then that could become a dealbreaker for us...as he deserves to have more children if he wants, and i also deserve to NOT have more

[novangel]

Speaking from experience do not have a baby if you're not sure. I can't stress that enough.

[bandit bear]

Originally Posted by cherrypie

sorry, but a 1.5 year relationship is long enough to be discussing life goals and seeing if they are compatable. Would you tell a woman that if she really wanted kids and was with a man who didn't? Would you tell a woman who left a man who couldn't give her what she needed in life that she never loved him in the first place?

Well, it depends on how old they are. I started dating my husband when I was 18 and he was 19, and after a year and a half, we were still only almost 20 and 21.

We were lucky that we were young, and I was in college and he was in the Army so we just kind of floated together until we moved in together after 5 years. We got married about a year ago and I'm still not sure if and when I want kids. I do know he definitely wants them but we decided to cross that bridge when we get there. We're definitely not ready now and we did get a dog, and that's working out splendidly. I know I'll be ready when i'm ready.

It needs to be a complete dealbreaker. For example, my husband would not date a smoker, and lo and behold, I smoked. So I quit.

[Amy8888]

Originally Posted by JudgeDread

So everythings been great with my BF of 1 1/2 years......now the baby talk came up lately. He is determined to have children.....Me? I don't know. I have never been at a point in my life where I've said..."I can't wait to be a mom......" I'm 26, about to turn 27.

He's worried that if we get married I will someday say "You know what, babies aren't right for me"

I just DON'T KNOW!

He would make a great dad, me as a mom..I know I can do fine, if not great.

I think you sound like me when I was dating my husband. He's always known he wanted kids. In fact, he wanted 5. I figured I'd have kids but like you, was never a "baby person." I'd get excited if I saw a puppy but not a baby.

I married him when I was 29 and had to finish my dissertation so he didn't even consider pushing the issue until that was done. Once that was done, in fact, he didn't bring it up, he let me come to the conclusion that I was ready to try. By that point, I'd seen him react to pets vomiting and having accidents and so on. And seriously, this might sound weird, but he was able to laugh at stuff like that and that made me laugh, and I knew I could do the baby thing with him. The things I was scared of, I knew we could laugh through.

So I finally had our first baby and I was more in love than I'd ever been with anyone. I sat on the couch holding her, just crying because I couldn't believe how strongly I loved her. My husband had to teach me how to change diapers, but now I'm a pro. I've had two more kids. He's not getting the 5 he wanted because I'm done but I think he's okay with that.

I'm not saying it'll be the same for you, and I could be misreading your post (which I read as you're not OPPOSED to babies, you're just not sure about them). The funny thing is, the guy I dated before wasn't into kids and since I was not set to have them, I never thought about having kids myself. I think it's okay to be influenced into having kids if it's more the case that you're undecided, rather than you're opposed to having them.

You may also need more time to be child-free. I was almost 31 when we had our first and by then, I was fine with not going out every weekend. My husband was very smart not to push the issue until I was done with school (or really, ever, but he wouldn't even consider it until I was done). Are there things like that still going on that you need to finish up before starting a new phase of life?

I think it's good that you're talking about it and I hope you and he can both be completely honest with yourselves. I don't want to seem like someone else pressuring you, but I can tell you that in my case I learned it really is true, babies are different when they're your own.

[JudgeDread]

Thanks again guys for your thoughts.

We did talk it out and I got him to understand I wasn't against the idea, I just wasn't really sure. He interpreted my fears and jokes as me saying "no way". It was just a way for me to deal with my fears by making fun of the whole pregnancy thing (and telling him he had to change ALL the diapers hehe)

So yeah, we both are not ready now. I just got scared thinking about it. Now he feels better and me too. I think it is just scary that I am turning 27 next month and that window is closing sooner than I want it to! Getting old sucks!

[mhuppert]

I definitely agree with others who have said don't rush into it, and don't do it if you think you're "on the fence" because as those of us with children know, it is a HUGE change in your life! (It personally for me was a great change, but still a big commitment) But from your reply it sounds like you just don't know at this point and that's okay, because like I said, it's a big decision. Maybe someday you will want them, maybe not, but I think it's a wise choice to give yourselves time to really think it through. Glad your BF seems to understand now.

[krampus]

I'm glad you got this sorted out. Everyone knows that many women determined to never have babies decide at 35 that they've changed their minds, and many men who think they really want children can find happiness elsewhere.

[Skittlez]

A bit of a necro, but it sounded to me like you were more scared about how having a child could effect your health than the actual having kids part. I wasn't sure if I wanted to have kids when I met my now husband, in fact I was pretty sure I didn't want them. I told him so flat out and he accepted that even though he did want some. He didn't want them enough that it was a dealbreaker though I guess. Now five years later I'm at the point where I do want a kid. People change, and having a kid is a scary thing, I so agree with you on that. But just because your mom had problems with her pregnancy doesn't mean you will! You can make choices that will make your pregnancy a safer one if you chose (if you decide to have kids later). Good luck!