When I was childless, the idea of just a soulmate and children would have appealed to me.
When I became a mother, I realized how important extended family was. My sister stayed with me for one week and I cannot overemphasize the value of having other women around to help with a baby. It was the best week of my life. We are meant to use a village to raise a family. The idea of supermom doing it all on her own, no thanks, that led to postnatal depression to me.
While some may laugh at the arranged marriages and other institutions of more 'traditional' cultures (ie. Indian as indiblue talks about), I am simply in awe of the female family support that the mother get (and later give back when they are elderly). I lived in a city with a 50% Indian population and those women never used daycare, there simply was no need, there were too many grandmothers/sisters/aunts/cousins available to help. IMO, that's doing something right.
I never had a choice on the matter. As soon as I found my first and still lasting partner my whole family abandoned me one by one.
They were all so used to me patting their egos with my miserably plenty free time that they could not tolerate me finding some personal happiness.
You can choose your partner, but you can't choose family. I consider myself a person of logic so I prefer the first by far.
My miserable, divorced, spinster sisters tried to ruin my relationship with no basis at all and my parents believed them instead of me because they were two and I was one. Well I still want them to be happy and successful, but as far as possible from my life as can be.
I never before had so much confidense and success in my life than now a really nice person (my partner) supports me and not my selfish family, who called me fat when I was 120 pounds and an athlete, who called me naive when I was the only one who never got drunk or smoked,... who called me sheepish when I brought the best grades in the house.
You know...I was in a situation a few years ago where I chose. I didn't have to, nobody forced me, but I was engaged to a man that my parents didn't approve of for various silly reasons...mainly I'm their only daughter and nobody would have been good enough for me.
It took me moving away, marrying him, and basically distance for them to realize that he was really perfect for me and they couldn't ask for a more loving, amazing man to be with their daughter...and that he makes me HAPPY.
My family will always be my family but my partner is the most important person in my life. I need my family, but I need him more.
You know...I was in a situation a few years ago where I chose. I didn't have to, nobody forced me, but I was engaged to a man that my parents didn't approve of for various silly reasons...mainly I'm their only daughter and nobody would have been good enough for me.
It took me moving away, marrying him, and basically distance for them to realize that he was really perfect for me and they couldn't ask for a more loving, amazing man to be with their daughter...and that he makes me HAPPY.
My family will always be my family but my partner is the most important person in my life. I need my family, but I need him more.
Well put!! We can't choose the family we are born into, and sometimes the location we live in, or job situation we are in, might keep us from having any close friends, but WE pick who we want to date/live with/ marry.
I don't beleive in Soul mates. I have a sister who abuses that term. Every man she meets is her soul mate, and bam, two weeks or a few days later, the relationship is over.
My husband and I are both strangers to this area we live in. Our families live far away from us, and he is social in nature. If they lived closer, we would be around them a lot more, and I would welcome having them around too. But the sad fact is, that with our work schedules and everything else going on, we barely get out much. We spend most of our time with each other, and my stepdaughter, and cats, and we are still very happy.
I can take either situation, but as of now, its being with my husband and child and not much more. lol Still if someone tried to take that away from me and in return give me lots of friends, and fun, I wouldn't be happy without him being around.
Last edited by CrystalZ10; 12-20-2011 at 11:46 AM.
This is an interesting question. I have many friends who I love and care about, but they all seem to be pairing off and forming their own little nuclear units that I am not a part of. My family is #1 to me, I love my parents, but they are older and won't be around forever. As I get older I can see why people pair off and start families - it's the security of knowing you won't have to be alone or struggle for friendships.
My answer is yes simply because my partner and I are pretty much an island. My family are estranged and her family is not close. Whenever family did get involved it was stressful and, quite honestly, I am happy they are not involved in our lives at all.
I have tried over the years to establish a relationship with my sisters (my parents and brother passed away) but I had to face the fact that the whole blood is thicker than water thing just does not wash. I had to ask myself if I would want to be friends with my sisters if they were not family ... and the answer was `No way!' They are just not the sort of people I want to know. It was a relief to let go.
I never had a choice on the matter. As soon as I found my first and still lasting partner my whole family abandoned me one by one.
They were all so used to me patting their egos with my miserably plenty free time that they could not tolerate me finding some personal happiness.
You can choose your partner, but you can't choose family. I consider myself a person of logic so I prefer the first by far.
My miserable, divorced, spinster sisters tried to ruin my relationship with no basis at all and my parents believed them instead of me because they were two and I was one. Well I still want them to be happy and successful, but as far as possible from my life as can be.
I never before had so much confidense and success in my life than now a really nice person (my partner) supports me and not my selfish family, who called me fat when I was 120 pounds and an athlete, who called me naive when I was the only one who never got drunk or smoked,... who called me sheepish when I brought the best grades in the house.
I have a feeling that is a mirror of my family. I would choose the soulmate option in a heartbeat. I know that my "family" never supports me, abuses me, and dislikes me, so why choose them over someone who would love me? I want a place where my soul can rest peacefully, and not be beaten and torn apart by hate and anger (just today my 27 year old sister, older than me, threaten to cut my throat--her favorite threat recently). I have been essentially an adult for most of my young life, and would give up family in a second to find happiness, loyalty, and love.
I don't put much stock in communication with others/family--don't have much in that way now anyways. I can talk to my soulmate, children--even the tv or plants if I have to. I don;t really talk to people anyways that much--I have gone days without really talking to others, and haven't missed it. I could always hire someone(like a maid) or join a group (PTA, book club, gym class) if I want to be social outside my soulmate/kids.
So, overall, for me, the Soulmate/children Option is obvious and the easiest choice in the world for me...even easier than choosing what color socks I am going to wear.
My husband and kids come first, and my mom hates that we live so far from her and she cannot easily visit. But as an adult who chose to belong to and with my husband (it's mutual ownership ) I made a conscious decision, upon marriage, to leave my mother and father and join with him. So if we decide, as a family, that we need to be in a situation where we are isolated from other people and family, or where we move further away, that's just what we have to do.
That said, that is NOT why we live where we do and I love my family - I just refuse to try and own a business or raise my kids in the state they all live in. But my legally-chosen and birthed family come first. That said, even with distance I would never cut my family out of my life without a darn good reason - extended family and friends are very important, just not as crucial as the people in my immediate care.
Last edited by Arctic Mama; 12-21-2011 at 01:24 PM.
Very fascinating question, especially since I do come from a place that emphasizes family over 'soul mates' and the concept of western love is not expected. While we don't have arranged marriages like in India, we have expectations that you will marry someone with a social status similar to yours that your family approves of* (if they aren't the ones who set it up in the first place! Sort of like having your mother pick your blind dates if you will. You can still say no of course.) Heck, the first time you give birth you're expected to move back to your mom's place for the first forty days so she can teach you how to raise your newborn infant and to help with the feedings (this also teaches your sisters/siblings how to deal with babies too.) Hubby doesn't get to come with either!
I have never been in a relationship that made me consider abandoning my family; most of my experiences were either flings (since I knew I wasn't going to marry them) or long distance (which means there is always that niggling doubt in my head that made me never take it seriously.) So perhaps my reluctance in abandoning my family is because I never had that earth-shattering love affair - but then again I can be incredibly pragmatic, perhaps too pragmatic to believe in soul mates or the one and only.
I have come across a few that I have loved in the past, but none so much that I would risk my life for. My family on the other hand, well, I've been blessed with those who would do anything for me and so I expect I owe them the same respect and love that they have given me. I am also very close to cousins, aunts, grandparents, my sibling's in-laws, etc. Its a large network that can feel like a web - traps you in one place to the point of suffocation at times (especially when its TOM!) but still gives you everything you need to survive in comfort and contentedness.
*Interestingly enough the younger generation seem to be affected by the notion of 'soul mates' and finding 'love' in the occidental sense thanks to globalization. Some embrace it and some backlash against it however.
Like BeachKitty, I made the decision to leave my family and friends to be with the one I love. It was the best decision I have made. I grew more as person & have accomplished so much that I would have never dreamed of had I stayed listening to what they felt was best for me.
I have no interest in having children and I don't believe in soulmates. I'm not monogamous so I can't imagine giving up my chosen lifestyle for a life I don't want.
Sometimes I worry I am one of the weirdest people on the planet. Haha. I am very much a loner. Which doesn't mean I don't have friends, I have a bunch of really good friends that I see a lot. But I am single for years now, and don't care much for it.
Looking at my future, I think even if I did get into a serious relationship - I would want to maintain my own household. I depend on myself for comfort and fun in life and so far it is working well for me. I don't really understand this need that people have to find a soulmate and start a family. People tell me since I am 12 (that's how long I've had this idea to atleast stay childless) that time will change that. But I am almost 27 and nothing has changed.
I guess what makes me different is that I am ambitious and I travel a lot. I love meeting new people and I hate being in the same life-situation for too long. If you settle down with some one, you can't do all those things, and those are the things I enjoy so much in life.
So, I'd choose neither. I'd choose myself and whatever people I meet along the way.
I don't have kids or a soulmate and whilst I hope I'd never have to make that decision I think if kids were involved it would be a no brainer for me. Don't get me wrong, despite an unpleasant childhood I love my mom and dad (I don't care much for my sister but you can't choose family right?) but if I had my own kids I'd choose them every time. The soulmate comes with that package in the original scenario right? In which case I guess he's chosen by association
) I made a conscious decision, upon marriage, to leave my mother and father and join with him. So if we decide, as a family, that we need to be in a situation where we are isolated from other people and family, or where we move further away, that's just what we have to do.
