I would suggest that you check with your spiritual advisor. Do you have a church home? A pastor, priest, minister, whatever could be a big help to you in a lot of ways.
I was doing some research online when I came acrossed this post, I had to reply. Nip the problem in the butt right now. My husband has played wow for years. This summer he began talking to some people who live in San Diego, Ca (we live in Western Ma). We decided to plan a trip out there in october. In august my husband decided he wanted to go out there to "scout this for us to do". I agreed reluctanly. I became suspicious he wasz going to meet a girl he met on because every time I asked who he was going to see he would just say" some guy from wow" and get deffensive. Needless to say he did go there to meet a girl he meet on wow and proceeded to cheat on me with her. The moral of this story.. a "simple" online affair can easily turn into a real life one if he's given the oppertunity.
I had to deal with a similar situation in 2005 - 07, in which my husband went out of town for a business trip for 2 weeks and when he got home I noticed on our phone bill that he had been calling someone down there and talking after I went to bed. So I did a reverse lookup on line and found her name. I approached him about this and he had an affair while he was gone. It is not easy to get past something like this. It has taken me many years to stop checking his phone and other ways of communication. I now know all the passwords to his e-mails and facebook account because he wants to be completely open and honest with me and make our relationship work. We have been together for 15 years and married for 12. We have two beautiful children 5 and 16 months.
If I found something I did not like I brought it to his attention right away and showed him how discusted I was about the situation. There were many times that I would give him the choice me and our home, or his FRIENDS he would chat with. He decided that I was no longer bluffing when I called a lawyer to discuss my options.
I love my husband and felt and still do that he is the person I am meant to be with. Or I would of not fought so hard to keep him. I will say that my persistence kept him from cheating on me again, at least this is what I think. Now he is old enough to see what he would lose if he did cheat again.
I will say that if he decides to cheat on me again I will not stay married.
My partner and I met online, in a game, where we got talking and both attended a `game meet'. Things went on from there. This happens a lot and people do tend to talk at a deep level (we were not what they call cybersexers!) because all the constraints that may edit your conversation in real life do not exist. (this was 14 years ago and we are devoted and happily married)
Sometimes this talking is positive and therapeutic. I am sure we can all relate to it ... it is sometimes easier to confide your fears and worries to strangers. I know this hurts but it is not cheating. What is deception is taking it further, creating a more intimate interaction which really you ought to share with your loved one in real life. There are many reasons this could happen and talking through it is the best way.
I do mean talking. If you love him and want to continue on in the relationship with him you have to set all the hurt aside for now and simply ask him why he feels the need to have intimate interactions with other women. This is not a reflection on you so please do not ever let yourself be brought into question. This is his thing and perhaps you can find a way to understand it and work through it with him.
You will know if he is simply being a jerk and if that turns out to be the case then you can work through that too.
Trust yourself, your feelings and your instincts.
Whatever you do try not to burn up inside with humiliation and self-flagelation. As cruel as it sounds these woman online are not out to shame you, they are simply thoughtless and a touch immoral. I play WoW too (message me your realm and stuff if you want an in-game shoulder. At the moment I am on Nordrassil, Saurfang, and Draenei). I have seen this a lot, as I am sure you have in-game and a lot of it is simply smoke puffs, no fire. Just people testing their wings a little.
big hugs, though, I know it hurts and it is hard to confront.
First of all, my heart truly goes out to you. There really isn't much to say to comfort you other than just allow yourself to feel what you're feeling, sadness, anger, frustration, all of it, and express it. When you keep it inside that's what makes you want to eat. He wronged you, and even if you don't feel like he cheated, he did violate your relationship.
As I was reading your follow-up posts it sounded like you were taking on some of the responsibility for what he did. Don't worry about not responding to his text messages, he just got busted in a very compromising situation with other women, that most certainly gives you the right to ignore him for a while. You need time to think, geez. But when he comes back, try not to let him gaslight the conversation, you know, make you think you're crazy or being irrational for being so upset with him. Give him the space to take ownership of what he did, sure you both were in the relationship, but is he going to run to another woman every time you two have problems? That sounds like a piss poor excuse to me.
I don't think anyone can tell you to stay or go, that will be completely up to you, and I respect whatever you choose. But know that if you decide to stay and work it out, at some point you will need to figure out how to let go of the hurt and be willing to trust him again. If you don't forsee this happening, you may want to leave him, only because relationships are hard enough as it is, but it's a whole new ball of wax when you don't trust the person lying next to you.
As im reading these posts from people all over, in response to your original post. I first must say that i am sorry that you are having to deal with this right now. It is not easy.
I have the unfortunate experience of being the person your husband has been. I , myself struggled with relationship issues with my fiancee and i turned to look for attention and happiness through an online dating site. I sought the kind of attention from other men, that my fiancee was not giving me ex: somone to care to listen to me, someone who wanted to talk about other things besides bills and finances and struggling and sex issues.. I have been in your husbands position, however, it never led to anything beyond talking online and on the phone and it never led to me having sex or dating another man. With that being said, i agree with Lori.. It IS cheating! Regardless, of whether your looking for an emotional relationship or a physical one thats purely plutonic, if you go in search and you flirt with the idea of someone else and make steps towards that, it is cheating!
My fiancee did not find letters or texts or anything that suggested that i was cheating on him. He simply had an intuition and feelings of distance between us. One day he did ask if i was cheating, to which i said "no". However, later that day, i did confess to talking online and over the phone with guys from this dating website. When he asked me why he did it.. i said to him "im sick if being ignored, im sick of feeling like you dont love me or appreciate me or admire me, im sick of you not being their for me when i need to talk to someone, im sick of you being so distant and im sick of you only caring about yourself and not bothering to even think of me.".
See, somewhere down the line, the root of my cheating stemmed not from my desire to be intimate or to be in a love relationship with someone else. It stemmed from my need to have something in my relationship with my fiancee, met. I needed something that he wasnt giving me and in turn i searched for it somewhere else. I looked for it emotionally in other men. In the end, it did nothing but hurt my fiancee who i love very much and hurt our relationship. We sought out pre-marital counselling and it was very hard for him to trust in me. In order for him to feel like he could trust me, i gave him complete 100% access to my computer, my emails, my facebook and my phone as well as any passwords online. I did this to prove to him that i love him and i did not want to hide from him anything. I wanted him to trust in me..but along with me choosing to do this in order to change, our relationship had to change as well. He had to recognize that their were issues in our relationship..some caused by him, that caused me to feel like i had to do what i did..so that had to change to. It became about us having to work together to work through our issues to change for the sake of having a healthy and trusting relationship.
You are aware that he has been cheating. Though those letters and emails are in the past, its still cheating. You confronted him and he told you his side. He told you what he says is the truth ..You have achoice now to either choose to extend to him grace and to love him in spite of it and to decide to work it out through counselling and talking and working through it.. or you can decide to love him but let him go and for you to move on with your life. I can not say to you what is your best option in this matter. All i know.. is that.. being the person i was in my relationship, just like your husband has been..i know i wanted the benefit of the doubt. I wanted the second chance and i wanted the ability to change..and i took it..
By the way..as a happy ending to my sad relationship past..i can happily say that me and my fiancee are still together. We did not break up over this..instead, he chose to forgave me, extended me grace and we went to counselling and we will be getting married this May coming up.. and to this day i have never gone on another dating website, never talked to an ex since and i have remained in an open honest loving relationship that is open for him to see.
Dont give up..take time to think about your options. Dont make a decision in anger or in haste..i know this is hard cause your emotional right now, but just take time to think this through..and i agree with everyone else who said it: go see someone..see a marriage counsellor if you can.. and if he doesnt want to see someone with you..than go by yourself because it will benefit you...and in turn you will be able to make the right decisions.
My ex husband first lied to me about smoking, multiple times. But, I kne wit we'd fight about it he'd say he quit and didn't blah blah blah. Then it was drinking. And the years into our relationship he admits he'd cheated before and after marriage. Though, it was years prior. That was it for me.
Trust is a hard thing to work on. And MANY people in online games make relationships, it may be in a game but obviously it was taken out of the game and MANY also do come to real life. I've seen it happen numerous times.
You probably hate to hear this, but I'd say leave. Get out fast. Don't waste any more time. It'll hurt, but it'll be worth it. You have a right o be angry, upset, hurt and mad. You use those emotions and do what any strong woman should do. Leave. Strong women can stay and try to make it work, but for someone to do things over and over means they have no remorse, the more you do something the less it bothers you even if you know it's wrong. You deserve someone who loves you and only you, someone who cherishes you. It isn't fair, it isn't okay. Either way I wish you the best. But, speaking from similar experiences I am so happy to be divorced. 8 years of my life went to that man and not a second more. I learned a lot, I still think of him and wish him well, and yes I still love him. But, I'd never ever be with him again. Never.
