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Old 08-08-2011, 04:01 AM   #1  
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Unhappy Strong feelings for a guy I can't have?

Hey y'all, so I apologize in advance, because this is quite off the weight loss topic, but I really respect all of you here at 3FC that I figured I may as well get some perspectives and at least get this off my chest. Plus I know lots of you guys are married, so any insight is highly appreciated. And I'm sorry it's so long, but it's complicated (isn't it always)

So, this is about a guy, guy that I haven't seen face-to-face in almost 3 years. If you would have asked me three years ago if I would be so torn up about this guy now, I would have said no. I worked with this guy almost 3 years ago, on a film, here in Southern California (an independant film, nothing that any of you have probably heard of). He was the lead actor, and I did wardrobe. He was cute and we got along very well to begin with. I was always trying to make him laugh and smile, and I did. And he liked me, and I liked him, and we flirted. He alluded to us doing some things to take it to the next level, but we never did, mainly because I dragged my feet, I think (I tend to push people away or keep them at a distance). Nothing ever actually happened, and the film ended and we went our separate ways.
About 6 months after doing the film and pretty much not thinking about him, he popped into my mind and I haven't been able to get him out since then. I go through some periods of sadness and despair, and then hope, that I might actually have a chance with him. He and I basically had no communication for about 2 years, and yet, my feelings continued to grow and grow and grow. It was scary, still is, super scary. Now I'm pretty good about getting over guys. I meet them, there's mutual like, things either happen or don't happen, and then they usually drift out of my life/consciousness, and I go on to the next crush. But this guy-I've never been able to shake this. Never. As much as I try to remain detached, he got inside, and I've not seen him in so long! But I've always felt like I've known him, like I've known him for a long time. Just thinking about him makes me so utterly happy. Add to that the fact that SO MANY things remind me of him. It was like I was getting signs from the universe about him, or something. I would see his name everywhere, his birthday digits, everything could somehow be connected back to him. Or, well, I'm just very very crazy, which at this point doesn't seem so far fetched.
So I battled these growing emotions for a year and a half, and then about a year ago now I stumbled upon him on facebook. I friended him, and found out that in the time I hadn't seen him he had totally left the entertainment business and moved back to him home state and started a farm. I was devastated, mainly because I was so certain that I would eventually see him again, and also because I am similarly unhappy living here but I stuck it out for a while because I thought he was here. I basically shut down when I found out, I cried for about a week straight, completely lost my appetite (that NEVER happens to me). It was like the worse I thought this city was worth staying in for the chance of seeing him again. So, I friended him and we had some communication here and there, and it felt amazing just to connect with him again. And I still kept getting those signs. Seeing things that remind me of him all the time. One day when I was visiting my hometown I pulled into a local fast-food place (which just happens to share his name) and what do I see but a huge banner with a whole bunch of specials listed on it, all of which are his birthday digits. Like, what the heck?? So I got a little pissy, and when I went home I posted something on facebook about not knowing how to get over it when I keep being reminded by the universe. Who should comment on it?? HIM. He responded with some Shakespearean quote about being rough with love. I responded that it wasn't that easy. And then I thought, screw it, I'll just tell him. If I tell him, I'll probably feel better and then the weight will do lifted, right? So I told him. I told him that he was the one I was talking about. He responded that he needed some time, and sometime later a very nice message came in response-that he didn't know I had feelings for him then, and that he was sort of seeing a couple girls ("whatever", he called it), and that I should find someone great. I responded and told him the truth-that I didn't have those feelings then, and that I just never forgot about him the way I do with everyone else. After that we were still friendly, still commented on each others posts now and again, and it didn't even seem like there was awkwardness.
And then he just disappeared. Deleted his account (I think, I tried searching harder for him, so I don't think he blocked me, but who knows?). And now, here I am once again, wondering why in the **** I still can't stop thinking about him and why in the **** I have these feelings still. And now all I can think is how wonderful it would be to be with him, to join him on his farm and just exist with him. But he's gone, again. I'm really glad that I told him how I felt before he disappeared, or maybe he disappeared because I told him?? I don't even know.
So....after all that backstory, I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has ever experienced this kind of thing, and if so, what happened to you? Did you hold on or find a way to let go? On one hand, I want to stop feeling so bad and sad about this, but on the other hand I want him more than ever. So what do I do and what does this all mean? Am I just doomed to always pine for something that will never be mine or is it possible that this is a test of my will and patience? Or have I just gone totally crazy???
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Old 08-08-2011, 04:37 AM   #2  
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I wish I had the answer, I am in the same predicament, with a major crush on a guy for 6 years, but who doesn't want me. We still communicate on Facebook, though I've defriended him a couple of times, because I needed space. I think he just wants to be wanted, which is why he tolerates my company on there. We never see each other, and he doesn't care about me, even though we live in the same city!
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Old 08-08-2011, 05:04 AM   #3  
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You said that you went about 6 months after the film without really thinking about him then suddenly he came back to mind stronger than ever before. What was happening in your life at the time he came back to you like that?

From personal experience, it is easy to hang onto the memory of one person when it isn't even them that you are missing or clinging is something about them or something about that time in your life that gave you security, love or some other deep need. There can be one person that just somehow represents that time of your life or a time when that need was fulfilled.

I hope that makes sense. I think the fact that you weren't that hung up on him at the time he was in your life and you didn't think about him for awhile after is a strong clue that it isn't just him as a person you are really missing.

I would think about how your life was then compared to how it was when he came back to you and how it is today. There is probably something there that you are clinging to or seeking comfort from or maybe wanting back.

I don't know the answers, but I had a similar experience and was only able to see with the passage of time that it wasn't the person I was missing.

As for seeing signs from the universe, when you are focused on one thing so intensely you will see signs all over the place. It's like when you buy a car and suddenly see other cars just like yours all over the place. the cars didn't just suddenly get on the road because you bought your car, you just look at them differently and notice them more now.
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Old 08-08-2011, 11:26 AM   #4  
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When someone is not around, it's easy to project all your ideals onto them. You don't really know this guy, haven't seen him for years. You're very much infatuated with the idea of him you've created in your head - and an ideal is hard to give up. It's hard to live up to as well. My guess is that if you spent much time with him now, you'd be disappointed that he's not who you've built him up to be.

I think we've all had a raging crush on someone we don't REALLY know that well - and why wouldn't we? In our heads we can make them perfect. They never forget to call or burp or fart or stare too long at the *** on the girl standing in front of us. If you're not seeing anyone or feeling lonely, it's very easy to fall back on the fantasy of your fake relationship with your idealized guy.

Move on. Date. Have friends set you up. Join a club, keep busy, get out of your head. If your Ideal Guy were interested, he would have told you. He let you down easy, which was sweet, and lots of people leave facebook for all kinds of reasons so don't assume you had anything to do with it. Don't feel bad about it, be proud that you were brave enough to put yourself out there, and then move on.
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Old 08-08-2011, 11:45 AM   #5  
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It sounds like you have fallen in love with a fantasy and not reality, TBH. You aren't in love with this person as he is - you are in love of what you think he is. In reality, he is some guy you spoke of who is dating others and probably blocked you off Facebook. Maybe that sounds harsh but it's a more likely scenario. You need to stop dwelling on fantasy and focus on tangible things, men, people, events You are creating more and more fantasy as you continue to pine for him.

Last edited by sacha; 08-08-2011 at 11:46 AM.
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Old 08-08-2011, 12:05 PM   #6  
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Do you think that part of it is you felt like nothing happened when you knew him and you regret it? Are you using this as a defense mechanism to prevent yourself from getting involved with other people/as an excuse why you're NOT involved with other people? Maybe your subconscious is grabbing on to the memory of this guy because you thought you could've taken your relationship to the next level and didn't, so when you finished filming and life went on, you felt like it was ok if there wasn't a guy in your life because you still had this possibility out there- this guy you really thought liked you and something would come of it if you just waited long enough you'd surely bump into him and then... and then it just grew and grew and grew and got unhealthier as time went on because you'd kept investing more and more in the possibility that you'd bump into each other.

I wonder how many opportunities you've turned down or not realized because of this guy? People you may not have even noticed or who would've been interested in you had you been giving off signals that you were single.

You have to admit, if some guy you hadn't spoken to in two years, who you had only worked with briefly, sent you a fb message that he'd been pining for you all this time, you might find it more creepy than romantic, especially if he had misunderstood your friendship and you weren't interested in him. That guy blew you off, for whatever reason, and you deserve to be with someone who WANTS to be with you.

As much as it sucks, no one real has ever died of a broken heart. You will get over this and be better for it! In the meantime, start trying to get out and meet people. Heck, go on some internet dates and boost your self esteem and realize you can have flirty fun with other guys.
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Old 08-08-2011, 07:26 PM   #7  
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I think that it's easy to build up a person when they're not around. It's easy to remember the good, and forget the little "meh" things. It's also easy to have feelings for a person who isn't real.

Now, he's real in the sense that he's a real person, and he may have some of the qualities that you were hoping for, but he's NOT real in the sense that he hasn't been around in a long time... he's likely a different person than you remember... and he's not available.

What's great about "not available" people is that the rejection is already there. We already know it's not going to happen. It's like celebrities. They're still fun to think about.

It's also a lot easier to have feelings for a person we think we will never get, than it is to look around and take a chance on a person whom with we might actually connect.

My suggestion might seem a little strange, but I think you should find someone closer to your real life place to have a crush on. Or even go out on a date or hang out and flirt for fun.

There are about 7 billion humans on Earth at this moment. There's an interesting guy (or several hundred) out there for you. =)
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Old 08-08-2011, 11:05 PM   #8  
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I used to do the same sort of thing. Always want the guy I couldn't have and never was interested in the guys I could. When I look back I realize I just didn't want to deal with a real relationship and preferred to just have one in my head.
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Old 08-09-2011, 04:13 AM   #9  
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Everyone has made hugely valid points here. That's why I asked you guys! Thanks for the honest replies. As far as the comment about what I said being creepy, well, I didn't originally see it that way, but I definitely understand it. I guess I didn't see it as particularly romantic either, it was just something I felt like I needed to say because it just kept eating me up. At the time I felt that if I just admitted to those feelings, I would ultimately feel better about the situation. I thought if I just got it off my chest and stopped holding it inside I might be able to move on. I also made it very clear to him that I wasn't asking for anything from him. I even told him he didn't need to respond, that I felt like it was a weight I needed to get off my shoulders. He felt the need to respond because he said he was going through a bit of heartache as well.

As far as being in love with the past or the fantasy, to be honest I got even crazier over him when I learned about his new life. I like him far more now, as a farmer, than I did when he was an actor. I don't dwell on what he was back then, but I've become crazy over what he is now. Actually, just before I happened upon him on FB, I had posted something about wanting to be with a "tatted-up, crazy-intense-passionate, super hot chef guy." And then I friended him and realized that is EXACTLY what he is.

Anyway, I guess it's all a process and I'm hoping to be headed in the right direction, whatever that may be. I don't think he actually blocked me, I think he just left FB, and I guess I'm just trying to remember that if we're meant to meet again we will. I'm still glad I said what I did when I had the chance, otherwise I know I would be feeling WAY worse now. So at least I put it out there. Thanks for the pep talks everyone, I appreciate it. And I'll eventually move on, it's just going to take more time with this one :-)
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Old 08-09-2011, 04:31 AM   #10  
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Originally Posted by swtbttrfly23 View Post
So at least I put it out there. Thanks for the pep talks everyone, I appreciate it. And I'll eventually move on, it's just going to take more time with this one :-)
Its actualy cool that you said that to him..who knows...maybe it might make him start wondering about you and seek you out later on. Or maybe he will move on and settle down with someone else, and you will do the same. Either way, you were honest and said your piece..No regrets!
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