Thanks so much for your support. I know many of you probably still think my decision was dumb and dangerous. I understand why, and I'm still on the fence of agreeing with you. But if anything, I know that your concern means you care, and I appreciate it.
No new updates, currently. Things are still going well. It's kind of odd to hop right back into our old routine, so we are both making an effort to change it up juuuust slightly. I'm doing this consciously, I'm not sure if he's aware that he's doing it or why, but he is. Very minor things, just little changes. He helped me dry dishes after I washed them. I left my computer in the bedroom and hung out with him all evening. (I told you all that I hole up, well if I was a turtle, the computer would be my shell. I just zone out and avoid all outside and inside emotions. I can play solitaire for 5 hours at a time, and believe me, it is NOT because I love the game.)
We've been working on talking more. Not just talking about important marriage stuff, just moving our lips and making sound come out in general. I know that I was so afraid to tell him anything that I didn't even want to share my thoughts on how my day was, my opinion on politics, TV shows, absolutely anything. We just didn't have conversations beyond the basic "how was your day?" "it was okay...what's for dinner?" So BOTH of us are putting forth effort to essentially become friends again. It's almost like an awkward first date when you're trying to get a conversation going, asking random questions, pointing out obvious stuff, periods of uncomfortable silence while we tried to think of things to say, etc. But, it clicked a few times and we both started chattering away and laughing.
I know that sounds pretty ridiculous. If a married couple can hardly hold a conversation about the weather and they have first-date awkwardness. But it doesn't bother me, in fact, I like it. We could very easily jump back into our old routine. It might feel more "comfortable" and easy just because it's familiar to both of us. But obviously, that wasn't working, so we need to figure something else out. That means starting at square one and building up the foundation. We need to learn how to communicate with each other, and part of that is breaking old habits and teaching each other how to communicate. He needs to teach me that he can be a safe compassionate person that I can feel comfortable to confide in. And I need to teach him that I'm a strong self-respecting person that will not tolerate manipulation or degradation. And if we have to slog through some awkward first date-esque conversations to learn all this, then bring on the awkwardness.
And I have verbally told him my boundaries. I haven't threatened him with "if you screw up, I'm leaving!" And to an extent, that's true. Even if this does all work out, then of course he'll screw up, he's human. And I also don't mean that I'll leave the next time we get in a fight. BUT, I have clearly explained what WILL cause me to leave without a second thought. Throwing furniture, even thinking about laying an aggressive pinky on me, rough handling my cats, refusal to go to marriage counseling, and so on. I told him the no-no's and why they were no-no's, and what the consequences would be (him immediately becoming wifeless).
So there it is. Things are still going well, and I'm content with the bit of progress we've made. BUT, I still can't shake the thought that this is just the fact that this is the honeymoon phase, and of course he's on his best behavior. So my hopes still aren't too high. I almost look forward to our first conflict about any little thing to see how it all goes down.
Hey Megan! For what it's worth, from this outsider's perspective, I think you're doing great! I wouldn't have been anywhere near the top of the list of people saying that trying again was a good idea, but you have thought it through, you are sounding strong (not victimized at all), and I believe in you. However it works out, you are doing what's best for you in this moment and that's all any of us can hope for you (or ourselves).
I hope this works out for you, but just in case be sure you have a full gas tank in your car, and hide some money away in the trunk of your car. Have you talked to your friend there who was so helpful to you ? And have you talked to the friend who took care of your cats ?
Megan, I think giving your marriage a second try is admirable. So many people are so willing to throw in the towel at the slightest inkling of trouble. I'm impressed that you have made your boundaries clear. Even if your marriage does not work out, you will know for sure that you gave it your very best. As a previous poster mentioned, I don't think it's a bad idea to have some cash tucked away and a set exit plan if needed. Just know that you are supported here whatever your decision.
Megan, I've been so busy lately that I haven't had much time to browse and post on 3FC, so I'm just now seeing this post. Now that you're back in town, I wanted to make sure you knew my that you can still call me any time if you need anything at all. I wish you nothing but the best, and I hope he treats you with much more respect during this new adjustment. If he doesn't, just know that I (and DH as well, if Sean needs a kick in the pants...lol) won't hesitate to be there for you if you need it. Be well! I am glad that you're approaching your decision with caution and resolve. It sounds like you did a lot of thinking when you were in Wyoming.
Being on the site and knowing she's okay are two separate things. I think I'm with many people when I say I've read through the posts and care that she's okay.
(not that you have to post daily, just saying we care and like updates)
Hey guys, somehow this thread wasn't showing up in my subscription thing. I just happened to see it when I glanced the front page. I'm so sorry if I've made any of you worry. I've been lurking around the forum, but obviously haven't been posting much. (Still on plan, still counting calories, still well within maintenance range...lol).
Things have actually been going well. I still have my guard up and would still leave without a second thought if I felt it was necessary. But so far things have improved. We're talking about issues that I used to literally feel afraid to even tiptoe around for fear of a conflict. We're more affectionate and playful than we've ever been. And I was just thinking a minute ago "Dang, a whole hour until Sean comes home"...waaay different than when I was dreading his return and would jump when he walked in the door. It's not all sunshine and butterflies, we've had a few moments where it was all too familiar. There were a few instances when he was being controlling and I've called him out on it. Before I would have played along with his controlling game and done anything to appease just to avoid a fight. We still have our issues, no argument there. He's still controlling and manipulative and has anger issues and I'm still a naturally submissive person who completely shuts down during conflict. But we've both recognized our issues and talked about how we can work with each other to live with and overcome our issues. It won't be easy, we'll need help (counseling), and we have a long ways to go. I am still not 100% certain that I made the right decision to come back, that has yet to be seen as it's only been a week and a half. But if he's willing, I'm willing, and so far there's hope.
I don't regret my decision to leave, I had good reasons to. 1) I was being treated like dirt and that needed to stop and 2) I needed to step out of the cycle and hit the "reboot" button on our marriage. I'm also content so far with the choice to return. I continue to analyze everything and approach things rationally. As much as I want to be optimistic about our marriage, I'm not going to gloss over a darn thing. If he's being a jerk, I recognize it. But the "new Megan" isn't afraid to call him out on it...every single time. So far, he's been very receptive and has made very legitimate efforts to do things differently. That's the best I can do right now, keep taking care of myself by not allowing him to treat me like a doormat. And he's been adjusting well, but if at any point he decides he doesn't want a real woman for a wife instead of a puppet, then so be it, I've already gotten acquainted with the possibility of divorce.
Anyways, for now, I am happy. In fact, I'm more in love with him now than I ever was before I left. And he also seems to be enjoying having an equal partner as a wife. Our marriage just has a much healthier more loving atmosphere. But we both know we have a long ways to go also.
Glad you're happy for now. Please be on high alert for any abuse toward the cats; sorry in a way that they're back in the home with him since he's hurt them before. They don't have a choice in it.
As someone posted - have a full tank of gas, the number to the domestic abuse hotline, and recognize that the honeymoon period will end. Leaving a relationshipo because of being abused/animal abuse doesn't count as "throwing in the towel at the slightest inkling of trouble" ... Don't worry about trying to be "admirable" in anyone's eyes. Just be prepared. For anything.
