I told my own daughter this just last night. She was telling me how some girls at school don't want to be friends and she thinks it's because she wears glasses. (Her vision is horrible and she must wear them all the time.)
"You know, that happens to me sometimes. I try to be friends with ladies and they make it apparent they don't want me for their friend. But you know, what I have discovered is that if I try enough times I end up finding some pretty great people." She seemed surprised that I told her it happened to me too--both as a girl and even now from time to time.
I personally would explain the email and explain that you reacted badly and was very hurt by it so you deleted it without thinking. Also, explain to her that this is the kind of thing that leads into bullying and whatnot and that this is why its not exactly smart to do the boyfriend/girlfriend thing at their age. Not only because its too young, but also because it leaves room for stupid things to happen, like this. Also, I'd go over the whole "If your friends jumped off a cliff, would you?" shpeel. Set an age limit for dating, and ask her to respect your feelings on it. *shrug* My dad did it and I was okay with that.
BTW schools don't help IMO. My sister was TERRIBLY bullied for two years at her school and the school did nothing to the bullies. My mom finally sent her to a different school and everything was fine.
I mean the things these girl's did to my sister (and her friend) was outrageous. They would follow them around- fight with them- harass them OUTSIDE of school- etc. One time they even told the teachers that my sister and her friend were planning to shoot up the school! My sister- the 95 lb, 5 foot tall, PREPPY girl who wore cardigans! It was humiliating for my sister. The were pulled out of class, their lockers were searched, their backpacks were searched, they even called our home demanding to search through our home computer. Course that's when my mom told the school she was calling her lawyer then they backed off. In the end it was all unfounded and the bullies weren't even PUNISHED in any way, the school didn't care about the fact that my sister and her friend had been having trouble with these girls for over a year at this point. Oh and another time those girls were actually about to gang up on my sister and beat her and her friend up and LUCKILY my dad went to get my sister from school that day and stepped in the way and told the girls to go away (to which they called the COPS on my dad- oh and STILL weren't punished in any way). Finally my sister and her friend transferred to another school their senior year (yes this was high school) and ended up having to go through COURT to get restraining orders against them. I was so thankful the judge FINALLY chewed those girls out like the school should have done.
Moving your daughter out of that school is the best decision you can make IMO.
Sorry to rant it still makes me angry years later.
Bullying. Sucks. I went through it all my school-life, and my dd is too to a lesser extent. Her self-esteem is through the roof, so it doesn't appear to bother her as much as it did me.
My friends daughter had a problem with a group of bullies in 7th grade, to the point that one girl got ARRESTED and expelled from school. However, the rest of the group is continuing to bully her on the bus and at school, so the arrest really only made the situation worse, and it is escalating.
My thought on the boyfriend/stupid comment? Well it's up to you, but I wouldn't allow dd to have a "boyfriend" until this year (she's 13) and because of her nosy "friends" getting into the middle of it, she has ruined TWO friendships with boys who were not interested in her that way. There is no way to keep the friends from making comments, there is no way to keep the boyfriend from repeating the friends comments, and there is only so much insulating we can do for them. It's a tough situation to be in, and I hope your daughter comes through it okay.
Back to the original question......... should I tell her or should I leave it alone and see if he burries himself and I will be there to clean up the mess?.
Sometimes I think I can trace all of my self-esteem issues to a single time I stepped on the scale - right around your daughter's age. I hit puberty early (5'2", period, waist/hips/boobs in elementary school). Kids made fun of me for "stuffing my bra" (I didn't!!!) and drew conclusions about who I may have made out with on the playground (ew).
I remember the first day I weighed over 100 pounds at 5'2". I FLIPPED OUT. I was in tears, I was sobbing, it was the fattest I could ever imagine. And my mom said, "Well, you can lose the weight with diet and exercise." Even my doctor was "concerned" about where my weight percentile was. (Nevermind no one else I knew had a body change).
Those ages (5th - 9th grade) are so crucial when it comes to developing good self image. I wish someone had known enough to have a talk with me about body sizes, body types and body preferences back then. I wish they had told me that there are different standards of beauty and health and helped me to be strong enough not to be pressured by someone else's. It took me years to overcome that anxiety and realize that I can be pretty without being 100 pounds.
ok, i tried to post this early from my phone but it didnt go through.
As a level 7 gymnast I am sure your daughter has a ton of muscle. that muscle likely makes her look thick. because of the muscle she likely looks 'fat' compared to the majority of the kids in her grade. this is because at this age most of the kids don't really have muscle yet and so they are either thin as reeds or 'fat', they dont really understand the idea of looking bigger but not being fat.
unfortunately this means your daughter may not know that either. I know i didnt, i faced this same problem around her age, i was a level 5 gymnast at her age and level 6 in 6th/7th grade. i got called fat all the time and i did not understand that with my height, bone structure, and all the muscle from gymnastics i was thick but not fat, i believed everyone that said i was because i was bigger then them. I really beleive that this led me to allowing myself to fall into some of my horrible eating habits in my teen years because i figured i was fat already why not eat however i want.
I defenitely say sit down with your DD and discuss the difference between being fat and being thick from muscle. make sure she knows 100% that no matter what anyone calls her that she KNOWS she isnt. because if people are saying it behind her back or in emails they are likely saying it to her face as well.
discussing the email may be a way to start off that conversation. but you know your DD best and if it will damage her esteem at all.
I would, however, bring up the boy/dating issue with her coach though, i know many coaches of competitive level gymnasts do not allow dating etc the coach may not know that this is already a concern. you wouldnt want her getting too used to the idea if the coach is gonna turn around at some point and forbid it.
Okay, I have a 12 yr old girl. She got a totally inappropriate email recently. Like you, they all funnel throught my box. I read it, thought it though, and decided that I couldn't totally hide it. She knows I can access her email and she knows this is exactly why. I wanted to use this as an opportunity to show her that I trust her, but sometimes you just can't know what's coming at you. I deleted it from her account and then talked to her indepth about who it was from, why I thought it was WAY out of line, and then let her read it with the bad stuff (and I don't mean swear words) blocked out. Then with my help she could decide how she wanted to handle it. She had my support, time to think about it, and independance to do it herself. HTH.
Yeah I thought of that but..... you know 99% of her friends have one
99% of them might be smoking pot and drinking too...
Sorry, I feel for you; I really do, and I mean that more as a caution than as a snarky remark.
I teach high school, and just today I had another girl share with me that she's pregnant. The kids who tend to have the most issues/problems in high school are the ones whose parents are too permissive or who are trying too hard to be a friend. Maybe it's ok for you to be the bad guy and cut off her fb account for maybe another year or two.
It sounds like you are a great mom, and I could never put myself in your shoes as I have no kids of my own, but I wonder if 11 yr. olds have the emotional maturity for fb. My own niece who is getting ready to turn 12, is on fb, and I have seen numerous dramas unfold on her page -- girl fights (you're not my best friend anymore, ___ is), boy issues (___ is single. the next day, ___ is in a relationship), etc. It gives me the creeps that she is on fb at all, as I know there are guys looking at her profile, etc. There is one man around 40 years old who comments on many of her status updates -- creepy! I checked out his page and figured out he is the uncle of one of her best friends. My sister-in-law told me he's harmless -- he knows my niece because he used to live with one of her good friends. Still, why is he always looking at and commenting on an 11 yr. old girl's page!
Best of luck to you with this situation. Parenting must be so tough these days.
Yeah I thought of that but..... you know 99% of her friends have one
I'm sorry, but REALLY? Yes, you are a good parent for checking her email, yes, you are a good parent for monitoring her facebook, but to reason her having one based on her friends having one?
Come on! First of all, you are ignoring TOS/lying...not so great an example for her. "Well, since everyone else is doing it..." I don't think that's what you want to teach her!
And I do know about all the arguments kids throw at you to get things. I have two teenage boys. The oldest is 16. He has a facebook which I can access. The youngest is 13. He has asked for the last few years ("All my friends have one!") Obviously he was too young, so there was an easy answer - NO! Although he is old enough now, the answer is still no for the time being, because as the parent, that is my choice.
I'm sorry, but REALLY? Yes, you are a good parent for checking her email, yes, you are a good parent for monitoring her facebook, but to reason her having one based on her friends having one?
Come on! First of all, you are ignoring TOS/lying...not so great an example for her. "Well, since everyone else is doing it..." I don't think that's what you want to teach her!
And I do know about all the arguments kids throw at you to get things. I have two teenage boys. The oldest is 16. He has a facebook which I can access. The youngest is 13. He has asked for the last few years ("All my friends have one!") Obviously he was too young, so there was an easy answer - NO! Although he is old enough now, the answer is still no for the time being, because as the parent, that is my choice.
Facebook is as common now as teens having cell phones. I'm not saying all kids should have it, but it's here and we should get used to it. A persons Facebook "wall" is not accessible to everyone if you have an understanding of the security settings. However, many kids do leave their info and wall totally open for anyone to see. That's when things are dangerous. If all the security settings are implemented properly then it would be very safe. I have noticed though that a lot of teens create seperate accts under silly names just to dodge their parents. They can then be in contact with friends or anyone with out parents knowing about it. So being on your childs "friend" list isn't really going to keep them from catching on to the loopholes. Jmo.
Facebook is as common now as teens having cell phones. I'm not saying all kids should have it, but it's here and we should get used to it.
Well, yes, but that only happens because the parents give in! 13ds does not have a cell phone, and 16yo ds got his for Christmas when he was 15. Neither has been friendless because of it. But, lol, we don't have a TV, either. Oh, my poor, deprived children!
I still stand by the thought that you are OK-ing "lying" by letting underage kids add a few years to their age to bypass the rules.
Here's the outcome... I told my DD she recieved a not so nice email from the boy she calls boyfriend. I explained that I didn't like what he said and I was going to ignore it for the time being but she needs to be well aware that I think he may not be a Nice Boy..... I also made her go through her entire friend list and unfriend anyone she would not invite on an outing with me... she now has only 10 close friends on facebook and she also knows I will be looking for another option for her to keep in contact with her friends... she has had her FB account for about 8 months and only recently started using it when this boy appeared on the scene. I told her I did not approve of the "Boyrfriend" and she better rethink things I explained she wanted to be known as a "nice" girl and that nice girls really shouldn't be on FB... we will see where that goes... she's a good kid and I do trust her and her judgement but she still is a KID! She is not allowed to have any boys on her FB account and she's also not allowed to except any friend without my permission! I know the FB will blow over quickly because she's had a cell for 2 years and never uses it! (yes she does because I am a single parent and she spends a lot of time at the gym... where a phone isn't always accessable).. I am handling this the right way for me and my dd... I am glad there are so many points of view on the board positive and negative. I never take anything personal... I opened myself up for answers and you all gave me the best answer you could based on your parenting/and or non parenting skills....I thank you all for that!
