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Old 03-01-2011, 12:55 PM   #1  
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Default The joys of mother in law visits...

Hope everyone is having a wonderful day. I am sitting here feeling icky over my mother-in-law visit next week. Some back ground info first...I believe that she has never really liked me from day one. I was divorced with a 5 year old daughter when I met my husband. He was in college. Pretty much not her ideal choice. After my husband graduated, we got married and had another child a year later. They were not happy with the "timing" of my pregnancy either. I have several issues with them as a whole. FIL makes sexual comments about women constantly--even in front of MIL. He does it in front of the kids. Hubby asked him not to and he said he wasn't going to change. Last year on a visit he actually took his phone out and took a picture of a woman in a bikini jogging through the neighborhood we were driving in. Both my 17 and 9 year old were there. The 9 year old constantly brings it up. He leaves his playboys out when my older visits...ughhh. There is just too much to write on here. MIL drinks a lot--I really think she drinks away her pain. Even though she says it doesn't bother her it does. My husband always feels caught between me and them--and unfortunately to save face I am thrown under the bus. FIL is very much a macho manly acting guy. MIL does things to hurt me over the years a few examples include: putting up a a newspaper clipping on her fridge about daughter in laws and problems when I was visiting. Every year on my bday she sends hotel soap and cheap hand cream that breaks our hands out...same thing for past 4 years. I put that stuff on once and my husband said what that awful smell? I said that hand cream your mom gave me.....we threw it away. She sends everyone else money. Personally I wish she would just not send anything no money or gifts. They are older and could use their money. We would much rather just have a nice e-mail. These are the least intrusive things I can write on here and just the tip of the ice berg. My weight has been another topic of her gossip. I gained several pounds with my 9 year old and finally lost it over the course of a year. Now she no longer has that card to throw at me but instead tells hubby....she is sick or she looks too thin. I have numerous people tell me how great and healthy I look. I did this over a year the proper way. I have totally changed my eating habits. I have asthma which propelled the weight loss but I also made lifestyle changes.

Sorry about the rant but what can you do??? 14 years of this and I feel like exploding. They complain about my veggie eating habits, how I raise and homeschool my kids...nothing is right with me. I always end up feeling stupid. They even find it funny when I decline her attempts to get me to drink. She and her friend were giggling about getting so drunk that they spent their time puking the next day. She is 63 . She told us this when we were at dinner with her and her friends--again in front of the kids. I just don't do this life, never have. Everything is about money and bling to them. Friends buy bigger house, they buy bigger house. FIL says yeah I live in a "rich" neighborhood. My husband and I live simply. I want a simple life. She gossips negatively about everyone from friends to family members. My daughters heard her calling me names on the phone to one of her friends. I just don't get into that. MIL wanted to be a nurse but was too caught up in a party lifestyle in her younger years--I am a RN...she constantly disagrees with me on medical stuff or suggestions and reminds me she was in nursing school one semester some 40 odd years ago. I guess me working in a peds ICU as an RN with the latest info is below her semester. Oh. my the rant goes on. I feel dark and dank...a big black cloud blowing over me. I know I need to let it roll off my back....Please if anyone knows how I can gracefully get through another visit...I am all ears!

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Old 03-01-2011, 01:15 PM   #2  
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I wish I could give you some kind of suggestion . . . the only thing I can see is it doesn't seem like you are picking fights or returning the banter . . . that sounds like you are handling it with grace
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Old 03-01-2011, 01:29 PM   #3  
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Can you take this time to work some overtime? Just not be in the house much while they are visiting? Leave early for work, arrive home late. Let the kids and DH deal with the inlaws.

Thats what I do when my inlaws come to visit. They didn't really like me either-hubby is from another country and his mom felt that American women were all sluts and just bad in general. We've greatly disappointed them that we don't have chilldren and I don't take care of my dh properly...yadda yadda. I don't feed him properly don't prepare fresh food, because I don't go to the grocers everyday to pick up fresh produce. I actually feed him leftovers for lunch and maybe even dinner the next day! The horrors!

I just don't spend much time at home when they come visit. I have a lot of outside things that I make sure occur my time during the months they are here. I go into work early, have a cup of coffee, read the paper in the cafeteria, after work, I'd do other things. Food was left up to them.

You can't change their minds, you can only change how you react to them. Keep thinking in your head "they don't matter. What they think doesn't matter. I'm better then all this. My family is better then this. They will be gone soon." Think "water off a ducks back. nothing will stick to me, everything is like water off a duck's back. It just rolls off and away from me."

Good luck and try real hard not to strangle anyone or knock them upside the head with a frying pan...oh, now there's a thought...imagine doing that when you are most frustrated---just don't actually do it, so not worth the jail time.
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Old 03-01-2011, 01:45 PM   #4  
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soo soo sorry, what a tough thing to face.

It is so easy to give you an opinion but you have to live with this so it is of course up to you.

If my inlaws made comments in front of my kids (depending on their age) that were inappropriate I would be telling them they could not see them unless they "behaved" not sure how I would word that.

I am sorry you have to live thru this what a tough place for you to be. Seems to me you are taking the high road in this situation and you should be proud of that. Your kids will see your reaction to all this and it WILL matter to them as they get older they will learn from your handling of the situation and praise you for it!
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Old 03-01-2011, 04:11 PM   #5  
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So sorry that you are going through this. I would be discussing bad behavior with DH. My MIL told him I was no longer welcome in their house one day out of nowhere. Said I was rude to her like 10 years ago and was still holding a grudge about it. We had been married for 13 years and I was pregnant with our 4th baby. My DH told her guess you will miss seeing your grandkids grow up! She changed her attitude and behavior real quick. No one in the family has ever stood up to her before. Now we talk and get along well. (at least I think so) lol. This has just been my experience with the in-laws.

Nothing will change or get better if you let it go on. Good luck!
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Old 03-01-2011, 04:38 PM   #6  
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Oh, eeewwwww! Are they staying at your house when they come? How long are they going to be there? Any chance that such high rollers could get a hotel room?

I have no advice for you, but did want to just tell you to keep your chin up and agree that you sound pretty graceful about the whole thing. My MIL lives in town, thank goodness, because the hair on the back of my neck just stood up a little bit picturing them coming and staying at my house for a visit. Oh my.
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Old 03-01-2011, 05:13 PM   #7  
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Oh, boy. What is it about Mother in laws? The only thing I can say is, "learn from this and be different to your kid's SOs when they get older".

I really don't get it. Really. My MIL is very similar and we all live under the same roof and it's so incredibly hard. Today she was telling me she likes my hair up - that down it's too big. Basically telling me that my hair naturally isn't good - yet everyone else tells me how beautiful my hair is (I just cut 2 feet of braid 3 months ago). I'm too fat. I'm not a good housekeeper. I'm not what she wanted for a daughter in law - thin, tidy and a fashionista. No, I'm overweight, built big, keep the house in order, but not perfect and I could care less about high fashion.

I just feel for you... but I would just remember - it's a visit. that's it and then she'll be gone. Your husband chose YOU and if he had to choose between parents and you = they would lose. Like was suggested above, try to stay away and just realize it's THEM not you. You could be perfect, and they would still find something to not like about you - period. So sad, really. I just don't get why parents do that. Don't they realize by being so petty that they get themselves cut out of their grandchildren's lives more because of it?

Hugs to you!
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Old 03-01-2011, 06:27 PM   #8  
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smile and nod, smile and nod, smile and nod- that's how i handle mine. and then i let my husband deal with her. ugh.
however if they started saying inappropriate things about the kids i would step in and say something and make it clear that it's not okay. If grandpa won't behave maybe it's better to turn to the kids and say something like "please don't listen to the ramblings of a demented old man" "this is NOT how a man should EVER treat you" something pointed and age appropriate.
people are jerks and unfortunately when you marry into a family of jerks there isn't a damned thing you can do- i know because i've been going insane for the last 11 years and i'm just now realizing that there's no changing people.
up to you to breathe, go for a long walk, get your kids out of the house, etc. when they're there- then hide, explode, cry, whatever when they aren't looking.
maybe they'll die soon.
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