Any man who wants to be with you will find ways to be with you. Any man who doesn't really want to be with you will find ways to dodge your calls and avoid your presence, up to and including telling you he "needs space" so you'll leave him alone to do the stuff he wants to do (which, as JayEll wisely points out, is often with someone else).
I know his behavior hurts, but it hurts far less to be the dumper than the dumpee. Find your courage and dump him because he's basically dumped you in all but name--yet he isn't man enough to tell you that because if he does, he loses his security blanket, meal ticket, and transportation system. He has been a leech and he needs to be scraped off.
You're feeling lonely now while still technically in a relationship with him (although I'll bet you money he doesn't see it as a relationship any more; I know his type). Could you feel lonelier if you broke up with him? Probably not--in fact, you'll probably start to feel better and brighter as there's now room in your life for new experiences, new possibilities, new men. So rip the bandage off in one good r-r-r-r-ip and don't let him have all the power here!
I wish you all the luck; it's a very tough thing to summon the strength to do, but once you've done it, you'll wonder what took you so long. You'll probably realize that it isn't HIM you love, it's just the role he filled in your life; how long has he been your security blanket? Free up your life for someone you do genuinely love and respect.
I'm sure you feel like you've been dumped on enough but in all of this I only see you supporting him. He's a big boy now- even if you encouraged him to go to school he needs to learn how to find his own way. You can't hold his hand forever.
That being said breaking up 4 times in 4 years means you two aren't compatible.
Move on- don't think of it as "I've invested so much time" but instead as "I don't want to waste anymore time."
Mr. Right is out there but until you move on you won't meet him.
It's going to be tough at first but I think you are afraid of the unknown and would rather be in a bad relationship than none at all.
Trust me when I say every single person I have known to finally walk away from a bad relationship only regrets ONE thing: not doing it sooner.
Ok,
#1 - You deserve better than this. The simple fact that you had to calculate and track your gas usuage is an indication of things to come. How do you calculate your time? (This pissed me off more than anything!)
#2 - If you've got issues now, magnify those 100 times with marriage and a baby.
#3 - You've got a plan to loose the weight. Focus your efforts on this and you'll see yourself in a whole different way. Guaranteed!
(BTW - With gas prices on the increase, those 40 miles are going to start hurting a whole lot more.)
Last edited by LastYearOver200; 02-22-2011 at 07:37 PM.
Are there any chickies in your area who would be willing to meet you? I've met a lady who lives near where I work. We used to get together several times a month. Now that she works downtown, we are no longer seeing each other as much. Maybe you could meet someone from here and get a new friendship going.
The others are right. Send him packing. You are better than that.
He's six years younger than I am and I want marriage and children before I'm 35 so I feel like I've waited for him way too long of that time lol. I have no problem waiting if he loves me and wants that for us but I want to know before I wait lol.
I honestly want to shoot myself everytime I hear someone say this.
It drive me mental as the lack of self worth we sometimes have for ourselves and honestly I CAN say this because honestly I HAVE been in this situation thank god it was only a year and a bit and not for years but really let me tell you something, he's already told you loud and clear where you stand with him. You want to change yourself for him heres something thats not going to make him more attracted to him. You've already become his doormat, your not the woman he wants and the fact that you're still waiting around for something to change because you think it'll get better...well it's not going to get better. IT NEVER DOES. People don't change...
You want to get married before your 35 so your going to settle for an immature guy who in a year could say screw you? Or which kind of has now but doesn't have the balls to do it in a blunt way? I say move on, you've wasted 4 years of your life with this guy and wasting another minute is shameful. There are a lot of dick heads out there, but there is always a lot of great guys who will treat you right (yes sometimes they are harder to find) but marriage is a piece of paper, and anyone can get married, but do you want to be one of those woman who get married just because it's what society tells you, you need to do? Yet you'll be divorced in a year or even 6 months? Or do you want to be one of those woman who marry the right man, so you can start a family for your children to be in a loving caring home where both their parent's love each other.
You're boyfriend is 6 years younger then you...I don't know your age and I don't know his and men my age in their 20's usually don't want to settle especially when they are in school right now, they are enjoying their "Adult" freedom. I know it's easier said then done to just drop someone...but really I think you need to step up and figure out what YOU deserve and stop living around and catering to your boyfriend who obviously doesn't give a rats butt!
I'm sorry if I was harsh but it's the truth and you know as much as you come on here for advice you in the end are going to have to make up your mind. So you're either going to continue to be the doormat until he finally walks away. Or you are going to get your self respect and self worth back and do it yourself and realize you are better then this and you deserve better then this!
I have to agree with what everyone else is telling you. I know this can all be so hard to hear, but you have to realize that you're worth more than what you have right now. I was in a similar situation two years ago with a guy - almost the same, really. We lived together, then I moved out to get things straight in my own life. To normalize the relationship somewhat. I had pretty much devoted my life to him, and at that time, my only friends were his friends. I was helping him pay for bills while his lazy-*** made excuse after excuse. I even sometimes made the excuses for him, and to this day, if you asked him, he would still call me selfish. Then one day I woke up and said, "You've got one go around. You've wasted three years here, and you could tragically die before you hit 25. Is this life really the one you want?" The answer was no, and I'd say, if you really asked yourself that same question, the answer would likewise be no.
Change is so hard, but you have to have faith in yourself that you can make yourself happy. I spent a year working on myself - developing a strong, independent person that I cared for - and guess what? That Mr. Right? He does come along, and with all of your lessons learned, you can do things right this go around.
So just take that first step. Don't think, just call. Tell him you're done, and I promise after all of those lonely feelings go away (which won't take as long as you think), you'll wake up one morning and feel better than you ever did in the past four years. You'll also have an extra 80 minutes a day to do something awesome for yourself.
Last edited by Song of Surly; 02-23-2011 at 08:22 AM.
How much does he weigh? If you dump him, that's a quick way to lose all that "extra" weight! When I left my ex-husband, he weighed 185 and it was the best 185 lbs I've ever lost. And the quickest too.
In all seriousness though, I've had a lot of friends lost in the past because they isolated themselves from other friends and made their whole world revolve around their dead beat b/f's. At the end, they ended up alone. Sometimes it takes time to realize that you need to let go. Never compromise yourself, or sacrifice yourself for that matter. What I mean is, put YOU first. No man is worth that. He knows he holds the power, time to switch that around. Stop caring. It's hard, but it works. And it gets easier as time goes on.
@tiggergirl9 - Please excuse me if this seems harsh but RUN... RUN... RUN far away from this prick! He is SO not worth it. Stand on your own two feet. Go on meetup.com and find a social group or two that you can go to and start making friends. Take up a hobby to spend some time and get distracted. Do you have a distant friend or relative that you can go spend the weekend with and get your mind off things? How he has been treating you is how he will CONTINUE to treat you. You don't need him to say I LOVE YOU... you need YOU to tell yourself I LOVE YOU!
I know it's hard. I went through a terrible breakup about four years ago and I still get jittery if I think about it. But, look at this as a moment to realize your potential and create a life you want. The past is not a reason to stay in a relationship... what the relationship will be in the future IS. You deserve WAY better than he's offering. When it gets bad, take deep breaths and think things through. You need to get out of your head so focus on your feet, your hands, how does your body feel, you actually are ok, just very, very sad. But, your physical body is fine. Focus on that. Get exercise and try some new things. You will find hope!
I don't know bf, and from what you say you two have shared quite a bit of yourselves. that can be intoxicating.
it's a very positive thing you know in your heart you want to have more of a balance, with other friends and less intensity with an SO. and it's positive you stuck up for yourself about the gas fees. As tough as that is, he needs to be adult about the situation and find a way to work that out on his own.
like you say, it doesn't seem weird to me that he wants to live his life like a college student, he IS a college student. I'd imagine his life priorities are not going to center around getting married and having kids at this point, or even in the near future.
maybe don't concentrate right now on resolving the relationship one way or the other, if that feels too difficult, but build up your life and pursue your interests. make friends and be social. maybe you have school or career or life goals, focus on those. you may find that things come together for you in unexpected ways.
most (if not all) people have struggles with relationships at least to some extent, making them gel and having goals in sync and getting along. sounds like you've experienced positives with this guy. it's not a disaster, just a sea to navigate. follow your instincts.
