Sometimes I open my mouth way too much on this forum. But, I'm feeling alone...and you are all so wise.
Bluntly...I told my husband we are finished. I found a correspondence between him and an ex-girlfriend from high school...on facebook...where I have his password. Even better, FB notifies our JOINT email account every time he gets a new message. Stupid much? He hasn't cheated, but the contents of the correspondence in a nutshell say that if things don't work out between DH and me it's nice to know there's still a window for them to rekindle their love. I also found a midnight chat between them involving, well, we'll just say flirting.
This after I have put up with absolute CRAP from him with his depression. And I have wanted out for a long time! And he knows this! So why, WHY, has he kept me trapped like this?
So on the one hand...yeah.
On the other hand, I am absolutely terrified. I do not know how to move forward. I have to move financially and because this house is just way too big. And I was so proud of this house. So unbelievably proud. We have a hot tub...and a creek...and I never took it for granted. Never.
Gosh, Eliana no real words of wisdom. Apart from, perhaps you should talk first? I know it must be a horrendous shock for you to discover this, but it may not be everything it seems. Some people need to flirt to boost their egos. Sometimes people say too much on the net because they are not accountable face to face. Marriage is hard, I've been married to a lovely, caring, thoughtful man for fifteen years, but it certainly has not been a bed of roses! Think hard, talk as much as you can and most of all take care of you
No, there's no talking. This is not a rash decision. I have wanted out for a long time, but as my friend said to me, apparently I need a smoking gun. This is the excuse I need to get out of this. That's why I'm really not angry. Mystified, yes. But not angry. My children are growing up in a very unhealthy environment right now and it's time to move on. I just don't know how.
Oh I hate to hear this but it seems like you will be so much happier in the long run, **** the short run. My husband and I had a bad time a few years back and me and the kids moved in with a relative for a few months. Is that possible?
It sounds to me like you know what you're talking about when you say its OVER... so, so be it. Only you know your own heart and it sounds like your heart (and mind) are talking!
It's not easy leaving stuff behind, especially when you loved it and appreciated it like you did, but it'll be freeing and way, WAY better for you mentally and emotionally in the end.
You have to look after you. Your kids will more than likely understand one day, if you explain to them.
It won't be easy, but follow your heart no matter what.
You'll get through this the same way you've gotten through the last year of your weight loss - steady, unwavering commitment to making your life better.
And I bet you'll find that when he's gone, the weight you've been holding on to will finally feel like you are safe enough that it can go, too. Our bodies hold on to stuff when we are stressed, for survival.
I would make copies of any of either of your financial statements before you talk about the divorce. Then see if he's going to contest it and if he is, hire a divorce lawyer. I can give you some tips about finding a good one. Sorry you have to go through this, getting divorced can be really expensive and traumatic even when you know it's what you want.
.....
This after I have put up with absolute CRAP from him with his depression. And I have wanted out for a long time! And he knows this! So why, WHY, has he kept me trapped like this?
You are not trapped....you have the freedom to go at anytime...it's just it will be costly in more ways than one.
And my children are going to hate me..
This is a definite possibility. I can tell you from personal experience that my children, adults now, love their mother but their relationship, although geographically close, has been strained for 20 years now.
I'm not saying you should or should not leave, totally your choice. My advice would be to exhaust ALL possible solutions to the problem....sometimes divorce is the solution
My ex-wife wanted out for a long time before she left.....that was over 20 years ago. If I had known how wonderful my life was going to be after she left I would have helped her pack her bags instead of trying to hold on to the marriage!
My kids and I are very-very close, I love SO MUCH my life with my wife now of almost 15 years....but I would never wish divorce on anyone. It really took a toll on all of us, especially my ex-wife. We are still friends today, she is included in almost all of our family activities and has since they day she walked out.
She was advised on what to or not to do by friends and family, our pastor and counselors....she made her choice and lived with it. To be honest I am now very and she is, and has been for a long time
Our situation was much different than yours...no lives are the same. I think most people "wonder" the what ifs with past relationships....but acting upon them is a different thing. Communication leads to action.....Facebook relationships have turned out great for a lot of folks and so horrible for others...that's life, people take their chances...
some win....some lose.....
Good Luck in your choices
Last edited by EZMONEY; 12-19-2010 at 03:35 PM.
Reason: spelling
Do you think he gave you a smoking gun on purpose? Maybe he wanted to give you an out?
I'm sorry you are hurting so much. I know you have a lot of inner strength to tap during this time. And I don't think your kids will hate you. Kids know when something is not right. It may be hard, but it might be a great relief to them, too.
Last edited by midwife; 12-19-2010 at 09:28 AM.
Reason: too much cold medicine
I've really enjoyed reading your posts. You sound like a good friend. I'm sorry your personal life has been in such turmoil all this time. As Seagirl said, you have inner strength that will lead you out of this and into a calm life.
My perspective, a house is a 'thing'. How you are emotionally is much better than any material item you can have. It seems like it would be better for both you and your husband to move on. How do you do it? One day at a time, one step at a time.
My kids and I are very-very close, I love SO MUCH my life with my wife now of almost 15 years....but I would never wish divorce on anyone. It really took a toll on all of us, especially my ex-wife. We are still friends today, she is included in almost all of our family activities and has since they day she walked out.
This is what I want. I told him yesterday I want a divorce, and then last night we went to see Harry Potter together. We're amicable and I want to keep it this way. I wouldn't mind being neighbors with him and I think that would be ideal for the kids. Emotionally, I am simply spent.
I'll never know if he really would have cheated or not. It really doesn't matter. To me, what he did is the same thing. I thought about sitting on the information I had (which I copied into a document) and waiting to see where it went. But ultimately I knew that would only breed anger. I decided it didn't matter and the mature thing to do was to stop him before he dug himself into a hole he couldn't crawl out of.
DH is suicidal and has been for a long time. I live with a man who threatens suicide, whom I have to walk on egg shells around, who snaps at the kids all.the.time and who is no fun to be around. I am way more the parent than the partner and I haven't had a real partner in marriage maybe ever. He has zero responsibilities I don't have to special request. He takes no interest in anything in life. He's been off work for two months working on the depression. I asked him to do two simple things: straighten the house and sign our son up for soccer. This I requested over the course of a month. It didn't happen, didn't happen, didn't happen...I reminded him every other day. Finally, he got his mom to do it. Yes, he got his mom to put a registration form in an envelope, address it, stamp it and send it. This was too much responsibility for him.
So really, the FB thing was just the straw that broke the camel's back. I honestly do not know how I'd feel about what he did if I wasn't already ready to leave. Would I overlook it? I actually think I'd be even angrier than I am.
I mean come on folks...isn't intent to cheat really just as bad as actually doing it?
Suicidal can also mean "Homicidal"....so you may want to chose your words wisely with a person like this and careful about making threats of divorce at this particular time.
Quote:
I mean come on folks...isn't intent to cheat really just as bad as actually doing it?
IMHO....NO. And for one thing, without knowing the heart, no one can really coin another's "intent". That said, even IF he were 'thinkin about it, he could change his course of thought over time...having never constituted an act of adultery. Kinda...the cow before the milk thingy
Sorry, you are going through such a hard time. Having been through divorce myself...I really feel your pain. Only piece of advice I can honestly give you is....don't make any hasty decisions. Think everything out completely.
Many people see "DIVORCE" as a "WAY OUT", when in reality, as long as you share children together...you will FOREVER be bonded together. Additionally, in Divorce...there really are NO WINNERS...everybody LOSES...and sadly enough, the kids end up being the biggest losers...
Yep, child of divorce here...my mom cheated on my dad, sort of...with his consent. Basically I have fought unbelievably hard to keep from getting where I am today. That's how I know this is over. I know because it's the last thing I want. I have to put the kids first, that has always been my thought. And DH knows it. I think that may have been part of the problem. He knew there was very little he could do that would make me leave. I think he was way too comfortable knowing that. But my kids have seen too much now. I have got to get them out.
Living with depression is too hard to be able to write out in a post. And my husband's is being termed by FOUR doctors as "untreatable". My children are learning that men sleep all day, that women do everything else, and that men mope around as slugs. They are learning that dads are grouchy and that moms play with the kids.
I will never say this to the kids because they need to know this has nothing to do with them, but I'm hoping their relationship with their father improves when he doesn't have to deal with them so often.
Intent to cheat
But, I'm feeling alone...and you are all so wise.
I also found a midnight chat between them involving, well, we'll just say flirting.
and she is, and has been for a long time 
