Yes, completely unacceptable. It is hard for me to make a real case here either way since it's impossilbe for me to know the whole story. In the very least I would say to seperate from him and take it day by day. Maybe you don't want to file right away--maybe later--maybe not at all--you can decide later after you have given yourself a chance to breathe.
No way would I give up on a dream I had. Not. for. anyone!
He is unstable and volatile, potentially dangerous, and you are NOT a failure. There is nothing you could have done differently that would have resulted in him being different. Please, please don't feel like any of his outbursts are your fault/preventable/etc.
It really does sound like he fulfills all the requirements for "abusive spouse." What's next, physical violence?
I see what is happening here. When he is the one leaving you, then it's all right, but if you want to leave him, then it's not. You have to take a stand here for your health and sanity. I would not let anyone treat me the way he treats you. I know it's hard. I've left some abusive relationships. But now, I feel like I'm better off.
It's hard to believe he changed so dramatically in only one year. Were there any warning signs of this prior to the shift change? If not, I'm thinking that is the major factor. He's resentful that you have the "easy" job and the "good" hours, while he has to slave away at his job with the sucky hours. Still, you can't make him reasonable. You can't make him be happy. Happiness comes from within, and he has to find it on his own. It's not your job to satisfy his every whim. For me, I tried and tried to make the other person happy, but in the end, I just realized I couldn't and I moved on. I'm much better off now. I will say, I would have stayed if I had gotten some legitimate form of apology and recognition of abusive behavior, but I got no such thing.
Every situation is different, and only you know if you will be able to work it out. Maybe a separation will help him come to the self-realization you need from him, but you need to protect yourself from abuse. Don't allow him to treat you badly.
Don't give up the opportunity to go back to school on someone else's dime. Grad school is so incredibly expensive and if some one thinks you'd be good and is willing to pay for your schooling jump at it....but I would also get something in writing. It's easy to promise something and then when the time comes to fulfill the verbal promise the budget might be tight or the person who offered it to you might not be there any longer.
As for dh, he is responsible for his own happiness. His behavior is completely unacceptable. If you have no children, I'd dump him so fast. He shouldn't be texting you obscenities at all. Good that you had a talk with h im about what you felt. Don't give in, he has to prove to you that he is willing to change. Abusers are very good at maninuplating your feelings. Once you change your mind and stay, then he'll go back to belittling you again.
Like another person said-the cycle of abuse. He may not be physically abusing you, but he is emotionally abusing you.
Last night he did not come home from work because he said he didn't want to be around me, and when I asked him to come home he told me that he was done with me and he wouldn't be around anymore... I explained to him that it's really hard for me to care about someone who treats me the way that he does when he's angry. He got upset with me, and crying, told me that I was giving up on us and that he wanted to work things out.
Another example of the emotional abuse i was talking about. This is a classic case. On the one hand he’s throwing your world into chaos by making you feel like he’s about to leave you at any moment, on the other hand he’s trying to make you feel like it’s you who’s at fault. I’m sorry you’re going through this!! but I do agree with PPs and i think u already know what you need and want to do.
Hubby and I have fairly conservative views about marriage- and that divorce is simply not an option. EXCEPT for the three A's- Addiction, Abuse, or Adultery. What you are experiencing is abuse. Plain and simple. Right now it's "only" emotional, but from the progression, his volatility, his manipulation, etc. it seems as if physical abuse would be in the cards if you stayed, barring some sort of HUGE change on his part (personality transplants? do they do those yet?)
You have several high powered, incredibly successful people who think you are amazing. That is not failure.
The same people are willing to PUT YOU THROUGH LAW SCHOOL because they believe in you. That is not failure.
You have set health goals for yourself, and are making progress towards them. That is not failure.
This marriage may not work out. But don't see that as failure- see it as reaching for something you know that you deserve. They say that failing isn't falling once, or even a hundred times. Failing is falling and not getting back up. Staying in this marriage in its current state is falling and staying down. Standing back up, whether that's intensive counseling or divorce, is not failure, it demonstrates that you have the strength to seek out what you deserve and demand that you be treated with respect.
Go for the separation. Move out. Or have him move out. Work with a counselor. Take this on YOUR terms- let him know what you need from him in clear and consistent terms, he needs to see a therapist with you and on his own, if he ever calls you one of those names again he's done, etc.
At the risk of going tmi about stuff... I mean, this is really personal stuff I'm going to say, but I need to say it.
Your situation sounds exactly like the one I was in with my husband. He was very manipulative, very cruel when he was upset and blamed me for everything from his weight gain to how his day went at work. He flat told me that he didn't get a promotion because his boss didn't like me once. He was addicted to food. Eventually addicted to alcohol. He was drinking so much he was passing out at the end of every night. He said he hated his life. He blamed me for a lot of it. He called me names. Refused to let me get a job outside of the house. Said I was a terrible mother (yes we had kids too!) and a sh*t wife. Then he'd turn around and tell me and everyone else who would listen about how much he loves me and his family with me. For 4 years it was just emotional abuse. Friends all told me to get out, to leave now because it would get worse. I never did because he never touched me. He threw things, he threatened me, he said he'd kill himself if I left, would take my kids etc... But he only said it while angry, and never hit me. Then one day he did. I was so stunned. He said it was my fault because I had provoked him. I felt like I might have, so I stayed. I had begun to believe that I was, indeed, making his life worse by my perceived behavior. One day, out of the blue, after finding him drinking again, I left. He called me horrific HORRIBLE names. He was so cruel that his own sister was crying and told me to never go back. He wished me dead. Eventually, after months of me being gone, he supposedly took anger management classes, and was seeking counseling, so after a few months I went back. Things were ok, then he started in with the blaming again. And the drinking. Then he did it again, only this time it escalated. He knocked me to the floor, and when I tried to call the police he destroyed my phone and started slamming me against a wall. HE TOLD ME I DESERVED IT. He made it MY FAULT. I told him if he ever wanted a chance at being married he had to go to a real counselor and get medical help. He was diagnosed with depression and is on antidepressants now. He's much, much better. I'm not telling you to stick it through until he gets help though. Even now, if I could go back, I would've left him when it first started. It would've saved me YEARS of torment. It would've saved, if nothing else, my respect for myself AND him. It would've saved our kids from having to go through this. I can never, ever look at my husband the same way again despite the progress he's made. The dynamic we had has completely and irreversibly changed who I am and how I look at myself and everyone around me. Don't do this to yourself. You have a wonderful opportunity, TAKE IT. I can't say that enough, TAKE IT!! Move on with your life and surround yourself with positive people, and if that doesn't include your husband, so be it. Save yourself.
Last edited by Pint Sized Terror; 11-03-2010 at 01:03 PM.
I can't thank you all enough for the wonderful responses you've given. I have already spoken with our state Attorney General and yesterday (after him being re-elected!) one of our Senators. I got an options contract written out, and it was signed and notarized and the whole 9 yards. The rug should be pulled out from underneath this current job with CPS by the end of the month. After that, they have given me the option of collecting unemployment for a bit to collect my thoughts, because even though I have a path in front of me, this shift of contracts and privatization is still a huge deal and they understand the emotional impact it will have -OR- coming straight to work for the County Attorney's office. Put simply, the contract states that I will work there as legal aide until I feel fully prepared to take on the LSATs and law school. Then school will be paid for by AG and CA and one other private party. I will also have 24/7 access to fleet vehicles, full benefits, and some other little perks.
I have not done anything in a legal route with the husband. I haven't seen him since Sunday, and told him that he needs to think about what he wants. I'll talk to him when he is ready, and when that time comes, I will be requiring counseling (because he really does have a problem with blaming me for his unhappiness). Other than that, no news to report. Thank you all again, and Pint Sized Terror, I don't think it's TMI, especially since you were sharing something deeply personal in an effort to help someone else. Your personal experience is greatly appreciated.
You stand tall and be strong! Be the woman you are ment to be. If your husband is going to stand with you and make you a better person GREAT, if not there are people out there who WILL stand with you (3FC comes to mind) to lift you up.
Congrats on a wonderful opportunity, make the most of it :-)
while I believe emotional abuse is a real tangible thing and no woman deserves to be called the c word ever I'm going to play devil's advocate a little bit.
It sounds like something in him snapped. Something must have happened for him to change so much so quickly. I went though a 2-3 year period where I was a miserable human being. It felt like a slap in the face that when things weren't going well and most of my friends and family treated me poorly. Now when I start relationship the thought "Will this person love me above and beyond my moods." weighs heavily. If something traumatic happens to me and I'm not as much fun to be around I want someone who will support me and be part of the solution, not nag me mercilessly and run for the door.
It seems like all of your focus is on him. He needs to change. The only thing you can change is you. Seriously think about what you have done to contribute to this problem. Also what You can do to help fix it. It is never 100% the other persons fault. It very well may end in divorce, but you'll feel better knowing you gave it everything you have.
Think about the things that made you fall in love with him you must have gotten married for a reason.
As far as your family. This is your life. You have to live it not them. More often than not your parents do not know whats best for you. Do not let this impact your decision.
Scarlett, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to disagree. While I understand that it takes 2 to tango sometimes, being someone's emotional punching bag is NOT ok. If the person realizes they are depressed, they need to either make the changes they need to, or get help, for themselves first and foremost.
Seriously, when I get in a bad mood, and boy howdy I do get myself into some moods occasionally, and I lash out I understand that the person I'm lashing out at has NOTHING to do with why I'm upset. Even if they ARE the cause, they don't deserve to be treated like garbage. Let alone on a long-term basis. If I treated my husband/significant other badly for months on end, regardless of whether I was depressed or not, I would NOT judge them harshly for leaving me if I refused to get help, nor would I put the blame on others for "not sticking with me through thick and thin." Like you said, it takes 2 people to make a relationship work.
With much respect, Scarlett, although "it is never 100% the other person's fault" may be true in many cases, I've got to disagree that that maxim always holds true. Sometimes a person can truly be blameless.
That doesn't mean it's his fault, either--someone with deep emotional problems, untreated depression, or an undiagnosed medical condition isn't really at fault for problems. Those problems can wreck others' lives as well as the lives of the people who suffer them, though, despite there being no blame to go around. It's as tragic and random (and potentially as destructive) as any natural disaster.
No one should stick around to be abused, though. Not ever. Nor should he/she need to question whether the abuse is somehow "deserved," because it isn't. "Running out the door" from abusive people seems more like self-preservation than cowardice; it doesn't mean that whoever ran won't turn around and help, but a person has to be safe first and foremost. You've got to get yourself to solid ground before you throw a rope and help haul someone else out of the quicksand no matter how motivated you are to help him.
I second what you said, Pint Sized Terror! You said it much better than I did. In my relationship, I was told by the other person that I was heartless and unforgiving for leaving, and that I should have stuck it out and not turned my back on them. Why? To be abused some more? I know it does take two people to make a relationship work, but when I'm the one always apologizing and always being blamed for everything, then it's not a two-way street.
Scarlett I am with you. It always takes two to tango. I think that people get the impression that by accepting responsibility for their part of situations, they are taking away the other persons responsibility. You cannot assign "fault" because while we may have an action done to us, how we react to that is our choice. Someone can only abuse you, if you let them, and someone can only make you feel guilty, if you let them. Being the most supportive person on the planet, does not mean that you do not share some of the responsibility for the relationship failing.
That being said, that does not mean that you stick it out "no matter what". There are certain things that are deal breakers, abuse is one of them. Abuse is never deserved, regardless of responsibility. Having been in an abusive relationship (physical and emotional) the hardest thing I have ever had to do, is take an honest look at myself and accept that everything that happened, was partially my responsibility as well.
There is that old cliche "when you point a finger at someone, there are always three pointing back at you". Accepting your own responsibility does nothing to take away theirs. It just means that you take your power back and are able to grow as a person.
This is completly incorrect and offensive to suggest.
People who are abused are VICTIMS. They do not bring it on themselves, ask for it some way or allow for it in any way other than being in physical proximity to the abuser. Being abused is no different then being raped. It is an act of violation and to imply that you can only be abused if you allow it implies that you control the situation and in someway deserve the abuse if it happens to you.
NO ONE asks to be abused.
The only way you in any way can control this, is by staying in the relationship to allow it to continue, or by getting away from the person. It is a matter of controlling your own physical proximity to the abuser - nothing else.
