I think that everyone has very different experiences with stepchildren. For some, it's easy, for some it's a challenge, and for some it's incrediably difficult. And one aspect that can make it especially hard is when you don't have anyone to talk to or vent about it. You see blended families all over but somehow when you get into that situation you feel like you're the only one and no one can understand what you're going through.
Crystal-I think all step parents are dreading those words!
This is an interesting thread. I am in a very similar situation. I married my husband when I had a daughter who was 1 1/2 and his daughter when we met was 7. Now they are 5 and 11 and we have an almost 1 year old together. I still have situations with his daughter. She is very needy and clings to his every move. If he is not in the room for 5 minutes, I hear the inevitable "Where's daddy?"
I think most of our issues are me protecting my daughter. His daughter didn't always live with us. She officially moved in with us about 2 1/2 years ago full time. Hubby favors her and lets her get away with just about anything. If the 2 older girls are bickering, it's always my daughters fault. If his daughter yells at her, mine deserved it. This leads me to (I don't want to say resent her, but for lack of a better word, let's go with that).
I have a small group in my church that I go to weekly and there is one other woman in this situation. It's nice to be able to talk to her about her step-kids and get insight from her. I am also on Facebook a lot, so feel free to message me if you want to connect. I have so much more to say, but don't want this to get too long
ThicknPretty -
I had forgotten to mention parts of post three in my first post, and the second reply was for Crystal. Thanks for the careful monitoring though. I'm sorry if my many postings offended you somehow, lol.
I replied very nicely to everyone who didn't personally attack what I had to say.
I'm an incredibly nice and friendly person. I just couldn't believe that I came to this board for support, and he was basically saying, "You're a bad person if you think kids are baggage" and "It WILL ONLY GET WORSE!" Come on. I don't need that right now.
No offense to you, but it is, and will always be, my belief that kids = baggage. Just like an ex spouse is baggage....or a ton of other things. I didn't say I thought it was a bad thing. I'd (obviously) rather date a great man with a child than a terrible one without kids.
This aforementioned child in my life should have no trouble getting cartoons turned on. He has breakfast cereals or healthy snacks available to him (where he can reach them) and he's incredibly bright and mature for his age. So...I'm, again, not sure why he needs us to get up at 6 am to turn the TV on (since he can operate the TV, VCR, Wii, and Nintendo DS while we're awake) and then I can never get back to sleep.
Forgive my *****iness, but this is what happens when I haven't slept in six months due to someone else's decision to reproduce.
Oh and I really debated on whether to toss in my two cents on all the other stuffs so I will just say, for now, that I love 3FC. It has been a major tool for me in my weight loss journey. That said, it is a public forum and there are opinionated people here and some are very vocal with their opinions which is their prerogative. I have had at least one experience that I can recall where someone posted something really harsh and negative to me on a personal issue I was going through. I am a very emotional and sensitive person so it really hurt me and upset me though I do not even know this person and I should have just brushed it off but I couldn't. So now, I have that person on ignore so I don't have to read any of their posts (and no, it is not EZ ). I guess what I am getting at is, I am in a similar situation, so I can relate to an extent. I also feel, you were looking for support here and not hashing of your posts. From me, you have support and like I mentioned earlier, feel free to add me on FB or private message me at anytime here
Brittanie - That's got to be more difficult than anything I'm dealing with, honestly. I don't know how people do it. I couldn't think of a better description than using 'resentment' too, though I've obviously caught some heat over it.
I would probably resent my husband and the stepdaughter if he always sided against your daughter in favor of her. I guess, in a MUCH lesser and different circumstance, I felt a little bit the same when the child was recently extremely abusive to my dog. (And it made me think he was upset with both of us joining the home as a package deal, until his father told me that he used to pick on other pets the same way.) I thought, this is my dog, of seven and a half years (longer than this kid has been alive) and here he is, abusing him for no reason. This dog is the closest thing I have to my own child....so for this other entity to be picking on him for no reason, I got pretty defensive. I kept my cool though, and had his father deal with the situation until I was no longer angry, then I talked to him to try to figure out what was going on. I think the child is bipolar actually...because his awfulness just comes out of nowhere, then he'll be sweet again for days. It's peculiar. And his mother definitely suffers from mental illness.
Anyway Brittanie, I'd love to keep in touch too. I'm sorry you've gotta go through this.
Victoria, I can't send you a private email for some reason. Want to send me yours? Not sure I want to post my email publicly, haha
Victoria, that's a good question. I wouldn't think it has to do with length of membership so much as something to do with your settings...but I'm not sure.
I just know that when I hover over someone's name, it usually gives me the option to send a PM, but yours doesn't. Does mine? You can send me one if you'd like to!
Fresno, I have followed this thread and thought long and hard on replying. I know you won't love my reply, but I feel like I have to make it anyway and then I won't reply again. Five years ago when DH & I got together his son was an infant. He doesn't remember a life without me. You today sound exactly like me then. I didn't engage in the heavy discipline, I appreciated the fact that DH was content to do the raising of his child, I didn't choose to have a baby after all.
Life is all about choices. Your husband and his ex-wife chose to reproduce, yes. You then chose to move in with that man who has a child. Your choice has led to you getting awakened every day at 6 am, not theirs. My choice has led to me still being awakened to this day by a 5 year old who is ready to get up and watch cartoons with his daddy at 6 am also. It isn't intelligence or a lack of it, he is very smart. It is a desire for company.
Your stepchild does feel like you are competition for daddy's time, he would feel the same way about natural parents as well, I used to resent my mother for taking my father's time and they were still married and we all lived together. It is the nature of child - me, me, me, what I want, when I want it.
You say that you are worried because you still feel isolated from the family unit -I was too, for several years. It wasn't until I let go of the resentment and self imposed isolation I put on myself by being 'independent' of the family group that the isolation went away.
If you see him as baggage & an inconvenience he is going to feel that. I know my stepson did. He doesn't anymore.
I wish you only the best in your situation. I feel like I could have written your original post myself a few years ago. Heck, if you look at my previous posts there is probably one that sounds just like it. And if I'm not mistaken EZ answered it with the same things he said to you - and five years later I see that he was right.
Just my two cents as one in the same situation. If you ever want to talk to me PM me, otherwise good luck to you.
Crystal, my heart goes out to you! I am sorry that you aren't planning on having a child of your own. It sounds like you'd be an excellent mother. It sounds like you thought about it and came to the conclusion that this life would be what you wanted, even if you don't get to have your own kid. Is that still the case? I hate to see people settle for any reason, and I'm glad you're happy, but I'm also super sad for you that you're seemingly not getting everything you want. I guess it's very difficult to have everything though, isn't it? I just hope you're really, really happy, and that maybe your stepdaughter can be enough like your own child. (I hope this is coming across well....the last thing I want to do is offend anyone.) To me, of course I'd prefer a boyfriend without a child and ex-wife, but he's so wonderful, I wouldn't change a thing. We are literally two peas in a pod, and he makes me so happy.
As far as the resentment, I talked with boyfriend about it, and explained to him that I do hold a slight amount of resentment, but since the child did not ask to be born, my resentment mainly goes right to the boyfriend. And I don't mean anything like crippling relationship type resentment....but any time the kid is nasty to me, or wakes me up super early, or his mother totally screws up our plans (via last minute who's-keeping-him-this-evening type things), I have a little resentment towards him for having a child with someone else, because obviously if he hadn't, we wouldn't be having these issues. I think it will be a LOT easier to raise a child of our own together, eventually.
I did go into the marriage with my eyes opened. I guess I just didn't know how stong the urge is to have one of my own. It doesn't help the situation either when my step daughter cries and says she's lonly and wants a sister or brother either. I know she wouldn't like it though. She is a lot like I was when I was her age and HATES for anyone to play with her toys or stuff. She gets freaked out when her stuff is messed with or changed, and she'd have to split her dad's atttention and my attention with a baby. I've explained it to her before, and she still insists that she wants a sibling. lol
Does your bf stick up for you when his son is nasty to you? My husband does which is nice. I remember him plainly stating that if anyone forced him to choose between her or his child, the woman would lose every time. I asked him, "what if she hated me? What if she was the one who made you chose? Would I still lose?" He said that she would lose than. Also said that anyone who claims to love a person, would never make someone chose between loved ones. It made me feel safe, and I know he won't tolorate any nasty behavior on either of our parts...
One last bit of insight before I go to work. I remember when we first got married, she would cry and ask her dad, "If there was a fire, who would you save? Me or her?" Its heart breaking to hear that from a child. But it showed that she was worried that he didn't love her as much as he used to. Kids do still think about those things. Your bf's son is acting out. His parents are split up. Maybe he thinks its his fault? Maybe he thinks he can get them back together? Maybe he thinks his dad loves you more, no matter how much he insists that he still loves him? I don't know...but those are possibilities.
As far as waking people up early to turn on the tv, maybe he is just wanting company when he's up?
