BF hates my dogs
 

I have three standard poodles (yeah they're big dogs) and I love them to death. My ex-husband and I got two of the poodles while we were together and the third one came around about the last few months of when the ex was around so really it's been my dog. Their ages are 8, 6 and 3. My ex-husband left them with me because he moved to South Korea for an English teaching job.

Basically BF told me today that he could never move in with me anytime soon (marriage would be out too I assume) because he hates my dogs. He told me "they stink up your place, they don't behave well, and I don't want some other man's dogs". I understand they can be rowdy at first but they calm down. He said he wants a clean slate with me. It's not like he would have to take care of them or put forth any financial means towards them. He said once they pass on then that's when we can move forward. He's not telling me straight out to get rid of them but we're not going forward until they're gone.

So now I'm sitting here wondering, are all men like that? Have any of you dealt with something like that? Isn't loving someone enough to maybe just deal with the dogs? This is my second relationship. I've only had one real boyfriend which was my ex-husband so I'm kind new to the whole getting back into the dating world. I wonder too am I selfish for not getting rid of them?

I'd say stand by your dogs! If he has these demads for another man's dogs, could you imagine if you had children?

I don't think there's anything wrong with not being able to take the dogs, but you man up and either leave, or stay and drop it. The ultimatum is crap. Neither one of you can be happy with a relationship built on that, IMO. How could you not be resentful? And the bit about "another man's dogs" is just weird. Major insecurity. I don't think the dogs would be the last thing he expected you to give up for him.

You wonder if you're selfish for not getting rid of them?! O-o I'm sorry, but I fully believe that when you bring home a pet, that pet is yours until it passes on. They are part of the family, a complete package deal. Your youngest pup is 3 years old, so you've got to hope and assume that they will be with you around 11 or so more years...so is your BF really saying he intends to wait another decade before moving forward in your relationship? You say you love them to death, it's my humble opinion that if he loves YOU, he would never ask you (or imply) that he wants you to abandon them.

At first, I thought maybe you might want to make sure that they are trained and well-behaved, because it sounded like that could be the problem. But when I read the comment about "another man's dogs" my jaw fell open. What is that all about???? I'm sorry that you are in such a predicament, and you have to really think about it and do what's best for you. But, if it were me, I'd ditch the boyfriend and keep the dogs. Anyone that makes you choose between him and your animals is mean and selfish. Good luck to you.

Substitute "dogs" for "children."

Imagine if you had three children, ages 8, 6, and 3. Imagine that you have primary custody of your children that you had with your ex because he moved overseas. Imagine if your boyfriend didn't want to move in with you because your children "stink up your place, they don't behave well, and I don't want some other man's [children]".

That would be SO wrong and unacceptable. So why does he think it's OK to say that about your dogs?

I say that he has to deal with it or else you're gone. We all have baggage; there is no such thing as a "clean slate."

This guy is wierd. "Some other man's dogs"? That is one of the strangest coomments I have ever heard. What if you had children by your ex. would he say the same thing ? I think he would. This guy is a loser, you can do better. And poodles do not stink !

Ditto. Double ditto. Keep the dogs. Find a good man.

Sorry...you're a package deal. He's more dog than your Poodles. If it were me..with attempted control & an ultimatum like that...he'd already be kicked to the curb!

Another jaw drop on 'some other man's dogs'. In all honesty I'd drop this one. First dogs, then what?

Never trust someone who dislikes animals.

Okay, it's not quite clear from your post if he dislikes dogs in general or yours in particular or if he just wants someone who will obey every wish he has, no matter how outrageous.

You love your dogs, they love you, they are your family! And as sad as it might sound, they'll be a lot more loyal and lovely and grateful to you then the majority of men you will meet.

Don't worry, you will find someone who can love you and your dogs. ;) Everything else has already been said.

My husband hated my dogs when we first started dating, and probably with good reason. They disliked someone else taking my attention so they chewed his shoes, his cell phone, his wallet ... anything that wasn't "mine" was fair game. He told me he couldn't stand my dogs, but he loved me enough to compensate for that, and then he went out of his way to show them affection and attention and gain their trust. Now, "my" babies are "our" children, he loves them and they love him. They sit at the door and wait for him to come home so they can give him kisses.

Any man that will walk away from you because of your family (parents, children, pets, friends) isn't worthy of you.

Sounds to me like he's making excuses.

And I don't do well with ultimatums anyway. I'd tell him where to shove it.

Well I like animals but I don't want any in my house. And yes, they do smell. Any house that I've been in with dogs smells, it's a fact and let's not pretend otherwise I don't care how often you wash your dog. This guy may feel the same way, who knows.

That being said, the ultimatum he has put on you is completely unfair. If he doesn't like dogs he shouldn't have gone out with you in the first place. When I was in the dating scene I made sure not to date guys with dogs, it was a deal breaker for me and it sounds like he should have made that clear from the getgo.

I know everyone is upset that he said "I don't want some other man's dogs" but what seems most disturbing to me is that he said you can move forward when the dogs pass on. How weird is that? A statement like this indicates something is seriously wrong, most likely he has no intention of settling down with you. It's just an excuse. Who says that? What if he said he'll only marry you if you dye your hair blonde?

Take your dogs and run. It's a ridiculous ultimatum and even if you got rid of your dogs for him you can be that he's going to put on you some other kind of ridiculous condition to be with him.

I'm going to agree with everyone else. The guy sounds like a loon and a jerk. Keep the dogs and find a guy who likes them. Meanwhile, if thy really do have behavior issues then maybe consider some additional training.

I don't have dogs, but my husband and I do have cats. When we met we each had a cat that we had gotten during our previous marriages. Both of those cats are still with us. I love his cat just as much as the others and he loves mine just as much as the others. He never said anything about "some other man's (cat)" and if he had I'd have ended up being some other man's woman.

"Some other man's dogs"?? There's so much wrong with this. It's a very disrespectful statement.

I also vote for take the dogs or run, sounds like he is just making excuses because if he really cared about you, he'd live with the dogs.

I'm the kind of person that, if my future bf doesn't like my dog, or my dog doesn't like him... bye bye.

My dog is my life, and... well... animals in general are my life. If you tell me to give them up... you're gone in an instant.


I'm not saying YOU have to do this. I'm just telling you what I'd do. But in my opinion... it's kind of petty for him to say he can't have you AND the dogs. Kind of selfish as well. If he really loves you (as you obviously do him by wondering whether or not you are being selfish, by being selfless), he'll be able to move past something as trivial as DOGS.

If your dogs do have behavioral issues... yeah. You should work on getting those issues fixed. Maybe, if you really like this guy... see if he'd be willing to work on it together. ;) You'll be doing it if you get married. Or at least... you SHOULD be doing it (working together). Except with kids instead of dogs (if y'all want kids).

But "stinking up the house" and "other man's dogs". Those are a bit ridiculous. Unless the dogs are urinating and defecating all over your house... yeah... dogs stink. It's normal. (I actually think it smells wonderful. :p ) And "another man's dogs". Like someone else said... what if it were kids? Sounds almost like evil stepmother type of thing.

My vote: keep the dogs, give them a big hug and this for the BF ---> http://i47.tinypic.com/2nai91d.jpg

I could NEVER be with someone who didn't love my babies!!! I had a cat when I met my husband; he wasn't really a "cat person" but he certainly didn't hate them. Now we've been together 17 years and have two dogs & two cats. He completely understands my total love for animals & those four pets are OUR babies. Hating my dogs? Deal breaker to me! Men are all over the place! Easy pickings! - dogs are much better company. ;)

No, I don't believe all men are like that but then again I wouldn't know.
If he issued an ultimatum such as this one, I'm sure there will be more down the line if you continue with him.
You wonder if you are selfish for not getting rid of them - Really? They are apart of your life, they are YOURS! There are plenty other men out there who will accept that these animals are apart of you - a packaged deal.
The dogs will be there for you through thick and thin and provide you with unconditional love.
I won 7 Dogs, 1 of whom is a Service Dog - If anyone would want to be with me they would know right off the bat that the dogs and I are a packaged deal.

I would understand the "other man's dog's" comment if there are any plans to return any of the dogs to the ex or share custody in some way when he returns from Korea. If you're just boarding the dogs for the ex until he returns - or if he is going to have contact with the dogs after he returns from Korea, this brings up issues that can get pretty complicated.

You and your bf have to decide what you're willing to work "around." I've known even married folks to live seperately for similar issues. In high school I dated a boy whose widowed grandmother married a man, but they didn't live together for several reasons, including the fact that he hated her dog. They saw each other almost every day, and spent a lot of time together, but they maintained separate homes.

Before I got married (and sometimes even since) I used to joke that my ideal marriage involved his and her duplexes.

I don't know how stinky or how rowdy the dogs are. It's hard to judge by description, because people have biases about pets that don't often reflect common perception. One person's "well-behaved" is another person's "out of control." I went to a home of a person who told me that one of their dogs was a beast and another was an angel. To my perception the person had it backwards. The dog she told me was "an angel" growled at me, ripped my pants trying to hump my leg (he's just being friendly), and the "beast" was screamed at for gently licking my hand.

What you're willing to work around, and what is a deal breaker is up to you and your boyfriend. I would suggest that obedience training for the dogs might be a way to address the boyfriend's concern, but also a way to build and test the relationship and encourage some bonding between the bf and the dogs. Asking the bf to help with training the dogs, would give him exposure to the dogs, the opportunity to bond with the animals, a sense of some input or control over the situation and you'd also be able to gauge his patience and willingness to compromise.

Are all men like that you ask...well I am a man and I love dogs...

but....

as with any new relationship there may be things that one or the other just can't get past....

doesn't make them a bad person....but then they shouldn't ask you to change either...(or get rid of your dogs!)....

When I was dating after my divorce 20 years ago I met several women that I could have had a relationship with...but...because of their kids...their financial situation....their location....their other issues....I wasn't willing to continue....

nothing wrong with the women...just the situation....

and it was given back to me too...my kids...my religion...etc....

The guy may or may not come around...but don't give up your dogs!

PS...I told my wife no dogs before we got married.....

we have 2 ;)

If you had been here long enough you would know how much I love my dogs!

People change...situations change...but never count on it!

Thanks everyone for responding. I really appreciate it and thanks for letting me vent. Plus your responses have given me a lot to think about in terms of my future.

I guess I shouldn't have used the word selfish but more like am I crazy to choose an animal over a human? I also say no because they were here first. However he acts like that's a crazy thing for me to say. As far as the ex is concerned, I don't think he's coming back for another 10 years so the bf shouldn't worry about that.

As far as behavior goes, they're just pretty hyper and they're excited (especially the baby) when people come over. Yes I agree some additional training would help with that. They're very sociable in fact when I walk them they love it when people come up to pet them. However, they eventually do calm down.

The smell part according to him is that normal dog smell he doesn't want to deal with period. He has had dogs before with his ex where those dogs actually went to the bathroom inside the house all the time. Mine don't do that. When they have to go they stand by the door and I let them out. Even my 8 year old will stand at the door when she has to throw up.

The ultimatum comment bothered me a lot. It started questioning yeah what else in the future do I have to give up? Not a good start to a life together.

How long have you guys been together? Is dog dislike a deal breaker to you?

I have to admit -- with my allergies and asthma, I would probably not be keen on dating a person with big/multi dogs. my own pets were reptiles because of the "no fur or feathers" thing. But you know... I have my preferences, dog owners have theirs. We all have the right to these things and when you are dating you have to decide what can be a comprise and what is a deal breaker.

So if this is a relatively new relationship, then yeah... it's just sorting itself out time to see if it will go the distance. No biggie. As you learn more about each other you figure out these things.

But if you guys have been together a while -- what's his problem? It wasn't like they were a big secret, right? He's been over before and knew about them?

What's up with the "and I don't want some other man's dogs?" They are pets! Is he so insecure that having dogs your ex used to help with rattle his cage so much? What a strange turn of phrase.

I don't think it is crazy to chose the dogs over someone who can't love the dogs. Companion animals are a commitment too.

A.

[QUOTE=astrophe;3341552]How long have you guys been together? Is dog dislike a deal breaker to you?

We have been seeing each other about a year and a half so that's the major shock as in him not wanting them around period. He was always annoyed by them but I didn't think he would actually make me get rid of them especially since he's had dogs before and they were big dogs.

Dogs first. A guy who is making ultimatums at so early in a relationship sounds acutely controling. What happens if it's something more serious? What if he moves in and is so nasty you kick him out and now no bf and no dogs!?

My hubby would never hurt my pets. They've grown out of control.. kittens.. but he would never touch a hair on their head or get rid of them if it made me sad. He loves me enough to support me in anything I do or anything that I care about. The cats STINk up the joint but I am doing my best and in my next home I will keep them out of the main area.

If any guys told me a pet or him.. I would know that guy doesn't love me enough and I would pick the pet... but that's me!

Just to add on a pessimistic note.. some people make these stupid ultimatums to make YOU break up with them so they're not the bad guy. I'm guilty of doing that stuff :(

Originally Posted by RomanceDiva:
I'd say stand by your dogs! If he has these demads for another man's dogs, could you imagine if you had children?

Exactly what I was thinking. Ask your dogs how they feel about him. Bet they think you can do better. :hug:

(now that I'm reading back) my hubby is insanely allergic to cats. I use to sleep with my cat and he was miserable but never said much. He loves me :) Now I sleep with my baby so he doesn't itch now

If you want your dogs, I'd tell him very calmly and very simply, "The dogs are mine. I am not getting rid of them. Period." and let him go if he can't handle sharing you.

Back when I still lived with my dad and was dating my ex, I had a cat. My ex actually liked the cat at least, but when we talked about moving into an apartment together his parents wanted to pay for the first month and get us started on a lease as a gift.

The only thing was that his mother made it very clear they weren't willing to look around specifically for a for an apartment that allowed pets since she reasoned they were likely to cost extra, so if the place "we" (or rather, she) picked out wouldn't allow my cat I was SOL. And at the same time my dad insisted that whenever I moved out, my cat had to go with me (didn't blame him there) so if things went in that direction I was expected to have to find a new home for him (I wanted to keep my cat regardless so that was something I obviously didn't want to do).

I was a bit shocked, not realizing that wanting to keep my cat would even be an issue. And when I tried to talk it over with him, he'd just shrug it off and say we had to do whatever his mom wanted and insist that we couldn't afford to go against her wishes. It was my first boyfriend; I was naive and overly eager to smooth things out between everyone, plus I was guilted into thinking that I was being selfish for even suggesting that my "stupid little cat" was more important than a negligible amount of money. I don't even know why I didn't think about how awful it was that he was willing to let his mother specifically pick out where I was going to live and expected me to be ok with not having any say in it.

My cat ended up disappearing before I moved out, and the apartment we moved into allowed pets so it became a non-issue. Just . . . don't let him guilt you into thinking something similar, that you're selfish for wanting your dogs. You're not.

Oh, and my ex eventually became an ex because . . . well, he was a jerk, lol. The whole issue about me wanting to keep my cat vs. him keeping his mom happy/wanting her money was only the tip of the iceberg and a sign of many dreaded things to come. Just about anything I cared about didn't matter if it was something his mom disagreed with (and she lived two hours away!).

Although your situation isn't quite the same as mine was, looking back there was definitely a control issue, and I was stupid for letting his mother's opinions be more important to him than mine. But what I'm certain of about your situation is that this is about much more than just the dogs to your boyfriend; once again it's a control issue. I find it really sad that he's using your dogs as an ultimatum, especially since he's already owned large dogs himself. I'm even willing to bet that he's jealous of the time and attention you give them, especially since he made that remark about not wanting "some other man's dogs." I'm sure you've been considerate and accommodating to his wants and needs in the relationship, but do you think he's being considerate of yours?

Originally Posted by kaplods:

Before I got married (and sometimes even since) I used to joke that my ideal marriage involved his and her duplexes.

LOL Kap!!! I've been saying that FOR YEARS!!! And I've been married for 17 years now, happily so! - and I STILL SAY THAT! :dizzy:

Originally Posted by wannabesomebody:
Just to add on a pessimistic note.. some people make these stupid ultimatums to make YOU break up with them so they're not the bad guy. I'm guilty of doing that stuff :(

That's a good point. I never thought of that.


Crystal - Yeah I don't think they like him anymore now that they're seeing their mama stressed out from all this.

Serendipity - Thank you.

Sirenity - Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry about your cat disappearing. It made me so sad when I read that. It's awful how people can't understand that your pets aren't just "some" animals but that they're a part of your life.

Originally Posted by Cglasscock1:
Ditto. Double ditto. Keep the dogs. Find a good man.

....and for goodness sake, respect yourself enough to insist on marriage before letting someone move in with you....:o


MissNibs

Originally Posted by :
some people make these stupid ultimatums to make YOU break up with them so they're not the bad guy

I think this needs repeating. If he wanted to make it work with you, he would have said - I know you love your dogs and they make you happy. I have a problem with their behavior and I don't like the smell. Can we work on this? Then perhaps you could have discussed behavior and training classes, his contributing to getting them to the groomer more often, keeping them out of some rooms and off the furniture, etc. He would look for ways to make it work. The "some other man's dogs" thing just stinks of ego and bad attitude.

You wonder if it's crazy for you to choose your dogs over him, it's equally...well, it says just as much that he's willing to break it off over the same thing. You're not willing to get rid of the dogs (which I am so with you on that one, I'm a dog person but ONE in the house is my limit so I get that three big inside dogs might be much for some people) to be with him, he IS willing to try to make you get rid of three creatures you love. I'm guessing you guys just aren't meant to be. And that's fine. Some relationships are just for a while and that's ok. It doesn't make either of you bad people to decide to end it.

Originally Posted by MissNibs:
....and for goodness sake, respect yourself enough to insist on marriage before letting someone move in with you....:o


MissNibs

I'd respectfully disagree for multiple reasons. Not everyone wants to get married and not everyone can get married. I think if you are in a loving relationship and you want to live with someone then I think you should.

I am married now but it wasn't until after I was living with my boyfriend (now husband) that I decided I wanted to get married.

Originally Posted by MissNibs:
....and for goodness sake, respect yourself enough to insist on marriage before letting someone move in with you....:o


MissNibs

I am unsure what a legal document that has it's origins in an outdated patriarchal system has to do with self respect. So, are you saying that people who live together instead of getting married for various financial reasons don't respect themselves? That homosexual couples that live together in places where they are not yet allowed to get married don't respect themselves? That polyamorous partners who are unable to marry for legal reasons, but want to live together don't respect themselves? How does one silly little document relate to self respect exactly?

Originally Posted by FitGirlyGirl:
IThat polyamorous partners who are unable to marry for legal reasons, but want to live together don't respect themselves? How does one silly little document relate to self respect exactly?

Polyamorous - not sure what that means.

Back to the subject at hand - I have to say that I HATE any animal that is untrained. I don't want to be jumped on by ANY dog. I don't want any cat jumping into my lap without my permission. I have a cat. I'm not much of a dog person. I do agree that dogs stink up the place, no matter how much you bathe them. I also feel that litter boxes can really stink up the place.

I had a dog. When my husband died, I moved us out of an apartment that they wanted to convert into condos and bought a house with a yard. There was an abandoned cat at the apartment. She moved with me. I took her, the neighborhood whore, to the vet to get her fixed and came home with a fixed cat and a fixed dog. My kids loved Heather. She was a sweet dog.

My kids, cats and dog were a package deal.

"Another man's dogs" is lame. This is the first of his "controlling" attributes. The dogs mean something to you, as they should. It is time to say, "Bye, Loser".