I really need some advice on what to do because I am pretty getting upset about a certain situation. You see, a friend, well more of an acquaintance is having her 3rd baby boy. When I met her she was having a hard time getting medical coverage through the state, which she finally got thankfully, but I was so worried for her and well basically her whole situation. Like I said this is her 3rd child, she is married, but he is the only one that works and he only makes $500 a week before taxes. They live in a tiny 800 sq ft apartment that they can barely afford, they were having such a hard time over christmas that they needed to go to a local church to get help giving their sons a christmas. Now after hearing about all of this and speaking to her personally about all she needs for the upcoming baby, my best friend convinced me to help her throw this girl a baby shower. I was excited to help and couldn't wait to plan out the details. And then we got the guest list of 40 people! So since neither of us have a home to accomodate the guest list or much money, we decided to ask my dad to let us use his workplace and he agreed. We mention this to the girl and she says that we can't have it there because it isn't local (the place is 5 minutes out of town) and we can't ask her grandmothers to drive that far. Whatever, we are able to book a church, but have to pay a fee. Then we discuss food with her. We were thinking of doing like a baked pasta dish because it's cheap and we have so many people to feed, and of course she says she just doesn't think that is a good idea because not everyone is a fan of pasta. She thinks it best to order deli and fruit trays. So basically after this I quit including her on any planning and decide we are just going to do what we have to do to make this thing happen at this point. But every time I turn around she is adding people to her guest list, or sending me links to cute baby shower decorations that she likes, etc etc. Well, what's bothering me most is that recently she bought a dog, that i was under the impression she couldnt afford nor had the space for. Then on her facebook I am constantly seeing her status updates talking about how she bought this and that, but never anything for the new baby. Now most recently they have been house hunting, and I agree they need to more room for the baby because if they stay in their current place, the crib will have to be in the dining room. However, they are looking to buy a house (with the help of his boss)and these homes she is looking at are like 230k! Which buys you a lot of house in our area and way more expensive than my own house.

So I am getting upset because we were doing this as a gesture, and now she has turned into showerzilla on us. Plus, it seems to me that she is making very poor financial decisions and isn't doing anything for her own baby at this point except whine about all she needs. Meanwhile, I have a leaky roof and I desperately need a new dishwasher. I have been feeling like I should back out of this shower and put my money where it really is needed, into my own house. But I am concerned that I will upset my best friend even though I know she is fed up herself.

You can't control what others spend their money (or credit) on. You might want to talk to the person and tell her that the guest list has exceeded your budget. I also think a gift is just that and if your gift is a baby shower, you can certainly do it on your terms somewhat but you also can't expect someone to change.

I would just do a cake with some tea. Keep it simple, say it was all getting out of hand but you still want to acknowledge the new baby.
If you could find a house that has a big living room that would be great, spread out the time, make it more of an open house type of shower. People can come and go after congratulating the new mom.
Just some thoughts

I have nothing of any help to add, but only the observation:

"No good deed goes unpunished."

I don't even know who said that, but it strikes me as particularly true in this case.

All I can say is, you will find a way to finish this thing, and you will learn from it.

Great, great congratulations on your weight loss, btw.

To thine own self be true.

I agree with previous posts, if you choose to still throw the shower for her, keep it simple and within a set budget. Serve cake and something to drink (soda, tea). As for the decorations, keep those simple as well. The dollar store should work well for that.

I have never been to a shower where an entire meal was served. Usually just chips, cake and some mints (or some variation thereof).

Your gesture to throw a baby shower is your gift to her. A gift is not obligated. I would tell her what you plan, and if she wants something more - just be honest and let her know it is outside your budget, and if she wants something more then tell her you would be happy to step aside and allow someone else to throw the party for her.

Good luck!

I agree with everyone else. Do something very simple, the last thing you want is to go broke just for her. True, the only shower I went to where they had a full meal was one that was thrown by well off people. My last baby shower was for 3 pregnant moms (me being one of them) and it was a pot luck. It was sweet and cheap (for them) but was beautiful. The simplest one I went to had tea, crackers, and cheese. and of course the cake.
I almost wondered if you were talking about the same person I used to know that was doing the same thing. They never bought a home but were living way beyond their means and are now on their #5 child and living in a 800- square foot apartment. A birthday party her dh asked me to help plan was very similar to your story. She was demanding Princess or Fairytale themes.....for a 33 yr old!!

You must approach the situation with your own integrity intact. How this woman spends her money is of no concern to you, try to keep your opinions about that separate from planning the shower. Don't hold any resentment against her because of her financial decisions - they don't have anything to do with you.

I don't have kids and I haven't been to a lot of showers but... isn't the shower meant to be a big hooplah if it's for a firstborn? I thought that with each subsequent child the showers became smaller since the mother probably already has a lot of the things she needs for a new baby (crib, diaper station, etc.). Having such a large gathering on your dime is outrageous.

Make a decision about how much money you can afford to spend and draw the line there. If the mom-to-be suggests more expensive things or adds more poeple to the list simply say to her "I want this to be a great shower too, but I cannot afford to spend any more money than I already spent.. it might be a better idea to make this a pot luck or to have more people hellp with the planning."

I also think the potluck idea is great that way everyone pitches in and you wouldn't worry about running out of food. I've only been to a few baby showers in my life and I agree, they weren't full meal things, only appetizers were served.

When you do something for another, you should do so with an open and gracious heart and spirit. Do you have the right to expect her to be a good steward of what is being offered? Absolutely. It doesn't sound like either is happening though.

Oh, by the way--I did a HUGE baby shower about 7 years back. I chose to do ONLY dessert, fruit and coffee. I made the desserts absolutely gorgeous and used my grandmother's china and some borrowed linen tablecloths. For the gift I made her a diaper cake for about $30. I didn't do too much in way of decorations. I don't like paper decorations and plates. I just got some marked down pink flowers and put them into crystal vases and hung up a Welcome Baby Girl banner.

With the two or three showers that I went to, they were basically a family affair. A few decorations, some basic party food and some dishes brought in by family members, then a few silly games like one where each guest is given a pacifier strung on a ribbon to hold onto and if they say 'baby' whomever caught them saying it got the pacifier and the most at the end got a little cheap bath gift. Then there was the game with who ever can drink the apple juice out of the baby bottle the quickest wins game (a guy won it at that shower ).

Don't break the bank doing this, you are already booking a church, that is a big gift in and of itself. Don't order trays, you probably would save by making a few yourself (veggies tend to be nibbled on anyway). I still think Pasta is a good idea, but if you could get some of her family to pitch in with cooking something up, that would be best. You could always phrase it that that way there will be something for everyone would eat because of the variety.

I hate to say it, but in my honest opinion, I never thought of baby showers to be this huge deal. It's not a wedding. It's basically a friends and family get together to celebrate the new mom, right

I guess I can't really add anything to this.. because I feel exactly the way you do... I dont' like people who are UN-APPRECIATIVE...
Do what you can do girlfriend and let that be it....this is her 3rd child... SIMPLE is BEST!!! Good luck!!

I agree with you guys, her finances and the way she spend her money aren't really my concern. But she is very open about how much they are struggling which is the main reason why we decided to do this shower. Like I said, we don't know her very well at all. I have never even stepped foot into her home or met her husband. It is just difficult to see her being what I think is frivolous with her money and expecting me to spend my hard earned, much needed cash on this huge party for her 3rd child when she doesn't seem to do anything to help herself out of the situation she is in. And I feel like the guest list is so huge because she is really only interested in the gift, not spending time with them. But that just may be me being ugly.

I like the idea of a potluck, but like I said, I don't know her family to ask that of anyone. Maybe some will offer when they call back to rsvp. Decorations and game prizes are going to kill us. Since we are transporting everything to this church and we only have a limited amount of time there, we have to use paper products. I don't have 10 table cloths hanging around to use.


Let me ask, does the shower hostess give a gift? My friend and I have never hosted before so we weren't sure what to do about that. :/

Yep, exactly! Cake, tea, coffee. Voila, done.

Argh. Just reading the post made me feel crazy and I don't even know these people.

You know what? I'd back out. Put your own oxygen mask on. Whether it upsets your friend who is cohostess or the showerzilla... take care of you first.

Nicely say that what she seems to want is more than you can afford to do, but you are happy to chip in and let someone else take the reins.

Pay the church rental thing or send a grocery gift card or similar to help with the party food and smile and walk away from all this hosting crazy.

A.