Brief background: My brother has a son (who I'll call "J") who turns 4 years old next Sunday. He was never married to the mom; the baby was an "accident".
J has always lived with his mom and her on-and-off "boyfriend" (he's about 50) of several years. (J was conceived when his mom was still with this man; she was cheating on him with my brother).
The mom claims she doesn't want J "confused", yet she has taught J to call the man she lives with "Daddy". This breaks my brother's heart. I've asked her more than once (I'm J's godmother and spend tons of time with him) to teach him to call her boyfriend by his name, or "Uncle", or whatever--just not "Daddy". But she insists that "he's always been there for J", so it's alright for him to be called daddy.
He has only "always been there" for J sort of by default--not because of any overwhelming desire to care for a baby, but because the woman he lives with/sponges off happens to have an adorable child.
I'm not saying this other man is not good to J or anything; I can't say that. I do know he's taught J to do some things that his father would rather he not be exposed to so young, such as about shooting guns, drinking beer, etc. And I know that he rarely works and doesn't contribute ANYTHING to the household my godson lives in. In fact, *I*'ve been paying for a cellphone for her for nearly 3 years just so our side of the family can have a way to get in touch with her so we can spend time with J.
I'm not sure any of that is even relevant, though. The bottom line question I have is, do you think it's wrong for J to be taught to call someone who is neither his father nor his stepfather, "Daddy"?
I'm desperate for some objective opinions. This is tearing my brother up, and I've run out of words to try to convince him to just focus on his son and forget about all the other drama. J will know soon enough who his actual daddy is. But until then, can anyone give me any words of reason for this woman who claims to not want to confuse a little boy, but teaches him to call someone else Daddy solely to hurt my brother???
I think the mother is wrong. Your brother is in the child's life, he should get to be daddy (or whatever name he would like to be called). What does J call his father? Maybe your brother needs a special name, like Pop (lame I know, but hopefully someone can think of something better). As J gets older, he will know who is father is, and who his stepfather is - the names are just labels.
'Daddy' is the man who does the job, not the man who provides the sperm. In this case it isn't quite as simple as that since your brother would LIKE to be more involved. I feel bad for him that he doesn't get to exercise the same rights/controls a Dad usually has the opportunity to implement with his child- that's got to be hard for him.
Still, this guy is the one the kid sees on a daily basis and he has much a right to have the child call him Dad as your brother has to the title. That's probably not the answer you wanted though. The emotions in the situation must be hard- the woman in question doesn't sound like a real great person. I hope your brother finds a way to be as involved as is possible. If he thinks their situation is bad he can always try and get custody.
It is SO wrong! What can be done?
Is your brother recognized legally as the father? Is he on the birth certificate? Does your brother pay chld support and is this done through court order? Is there a court order in for visitation? It falls to him to make sure that he is a presence in his little one's life, and when J grows up, he will understand what is really up. But the key here is to make sure that your brother is doing the right thing in going to court to ensure he has been legally recognized as the father, that he is supporting his child financially and that this support is legally recognized, that he has court-ordered visitation, and that he fufills his parental obligations.
His mom will still probably use J as a weapon, but in time, J will understand what is going on. But only if your brother has the courts behind him...
Kira
'Daddy' is the man who does the job, not the man who provides the sperm. .
As a child of divorced parents, I respectfully disagree. What if both men want to do the job? Was my real dad less my dad because my mom remarried and she had custody of us? Not to take anything away from my stepfather, who was wonderful, but my dad was still my daddy, even if we lived in another man's house and my stepfather got the day-to-day raising of us.
Sure, a bio dad who opts out of the picture could be nothing but a sperm donor, but a committed, loving, enthusiastic father who can't be there everyday due to circumstances outside his control - he still gets main "dad" rights, including what he should be called (in my opinion).
No I don't think it is wrong for a child to call the male adult in his household "Daddy." I don't think that the "title" is sancrosanct, just as I don't think it would be wrong for the child to call bio-dad's wife (should he marry) Mom, mommy, mother, ma....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Glory87
As a child of divorced parents, I respectfully disagree. What if both men want to do the job? Was my real dad less my dad because my mom remarried and she had custody of us? Not to take anything away from my stepfather, who was wonderful, but my dad was still my daddy, even if we lived in another man's house and my stepfather got the day-to-day raising of us.
Sure, a bio dad who opts out of the picture could be nothing but a sperm donor, but a committed, loving, enthusiastic father who can't be there everyday due to circumstances outside his control - he still gets main "dad" rights, including what he should be called (in my opinion).
I think if both men are doing the job, they both are due the title. And while dad gets to decide what he is called, he doesn't necessarily have the right to decide what the stepdad is called. I think it's easier for a very young child to understand that he has two daddies than to try to sort out the more complicated relationships that are only important to the adults.
This is about adult egos, not the child's best interest. Growing up without a "dad" in the house is a lot more challenging and painful to a child than having two "dads." Not having a daddy in the house (even though it is more and more common) isn't the idealized norm, and kids know it. Calling this man anything but a term for father (Dad, daddy, Pa, Pop, Father....) just serves to remind a child his family is less than perfect, not quite normal.
As an adopted child of parents who later had biological children, my parents weren't any less my parents than my sisters' because they were biologically related. Because of my experience, I say the job deserves the title - even if more than one person is doing the job.
I believe that teaching children to call step-parents by their first name or a inaccurate label like uncle (he's not an "uncle," so calling him uncle is more confusing for the child, their peers, and adults also), teaches them that they're not supposed to love the step-parent as much as their "real parents."
And I think if your brother were honest with himself, that's what he's really afraid of - that the boy might love stepdaddy as much or more than him.
And I think that's what terms like "step-" tend to do - tell the world that the relationship isn't or shouldn't be as strong as "real" biological ties. Seeing that our parents didn't love our sisters (their bio-kids) any more than us, I grew up feeling that it's the relationship that matters, not the biological one or who is legalistically owed the title. I've always hated titles that emphasized the relationships difference from the "norm" especially since they implied a "not-quite-as-good-as-the-real-thing" - "step" or "half" or "foster," or "adoptive" (I always wondered how a person could be half a brother or sister - they either were a sibling or they weren't. I imagined kids cut off at the waist - half children).
I would recommend family counseling, because a family counselor will help all the adults involved understand what is developmentally most appropriate for the child, which is what I believe all of the adults ultimately want.
I'm not saying that children who call stepdad's by their first name or as stepdad can't be well-adjusted, but the last thing this child needs is reminders that "he's not your real daddy," type conversations - which if the subject has ever been discussed when the child was in the house - he's probably already heard them, even if he was never directly told that.
Even as children, my brother and I were traumatized by people telling us our parents weren't our "real" parents. Adults would sometimes say how "lucky we were" to have our parents. Well-meant, mostly but it stirred up alot of insecurities. Those comments made me feel like my parents could decide they weren't our parents anymore - or that our biological parents would come and kidnap us (that was my mother's fear, that she never voiced in front of us, but we heard it anyway).
My son was 11 years old when I married my now DH. His bio dad had always been in the picture and paid support for him. My son chose to call his bio dad his "father" and my new DH his "dad". To hear him express it, DH is "dad" because he's the man that is here every day for him.
I do however have what I think is a confusing situation going on with my step-grandchildren. The father of my SD's two oldest boys (ages 5 and 3) has custody of them. These children call the new step-mom "mama Cindy" and the bio mom "mama Sam". They call the bio dad "daddy Billy" and new step dad "daddy John". So basically they have 2 mom's and 2 dad's. I guess the part that bothers me is when I hear the bio mom tell the boys "I gotta go but your mom will be here to get you soon". I just pray the boys grow up well adjusted and this doesn't traumatize them. I do know however that I will always be "grandma Lily" even if these are my step-grandsons.
It is SO wrong! What can be done?
Is your brother recognized legally as the father? Is he on the birth certificate? Does your brother pay chld support and is this done through court order? Is there a court order in for visitation? It falls to him to make sure that he is a presence in his little one's life, and when J grows up, he will understand what is really up. But the key here is to make sure that your brother is doing the right thing in going to court to ensure he has been legally recognized as the father, that he is supporting his child financially and that this support is legally recognized, that he has court-ordered visitation, and that he fufills his parental obligations.
His mom will still probably use J as a weapon, but in time, J will understand what is going on. But only if your brother has the courts behind him...
Kira
I agree with Kira. If your brother hasn't taken care of the legalities, he should do so, now. There is not much your brother can do about what the mom is telling the little boy. Your brother and all his relatives should remind your nephew who his real dad is, no matter what he is called. Maybe something like Lily has described.
I think a child is unlikely to be traumatized by having "too many" adults loving them, so long as the adults don't make it a contest of who the child is supposed to love more. There's plenty of love to share, and I think a child needs to be taught that - that there's always room in your heart to love another person, and loving someone doesn't mean you love other people less.
I think that "reminding a child who his real dad is," is creating a wound and then rubbing salt in it. I think it's likely that the child is going to interpret it something like "I'm the better daddy, and the daddy you live with is a fake/imposter (so maybe not nice or safe) so you need to love me more, and if you don't you're a traitor to me." Often children will feel this way, even if the parents don't encourage it.
That doesn't mean a child of 4 isn't able to understand (if presented in an age-appropriate way) the difference between a biological and a social relationship. I've seen this done well (trauma-free) in open adoptions (this is the mommy whose tummy you grew in, and this is the mommy who takes care of you).
Ideally getting everyone in family counseling (not necessarily all in the same counseling session) will help all of the adults take care of the child first, and their own needs without using the child as a pawn in it.
I understand what you are saying Ms kaplods, but I think a bigger issue here is that from how I read the OP, the man in this child's life has not legally adopted nor taken formal responsibility for this child nor entered into a legally binding situation with the mother of this child. Which creates a kind of "grey area" for alot of people -- are frequent boyfriends who spend the night over all entitled to be called "dad"? And does physical presence entitle you to the recognition of "parent"? And does this negate the role of an interested, involved and proactive but not-present biological parent?
This is unlike your situation. Your parents formally adopted you and are rightly your parents. You may also have a biological mother and father, but the ones who took legal responsibility for you and raised you are indeed your parents.They have earned that title by virtue of their actions. My DHs side has a large history of adoption, and none of these kids were ever identified as anything other than "my children" or "my niece/nephew". And the fact that these kids have Mom and Dad and Biological Mom and Biological Dad was never negated.
I think the OPs concern is that without a legal committment from the "on again, off again" man in this child's life, what is to prevent multiple partner switches? And does this mean that the current man in one's life is "dad"? And what does the title "dad" mean, in this case, if EVERY man who is physically present is called "dad"? And is this not confusing for a child? One of my friends had 7 "dads" in her life -- her biological dad, and 6 (SIX) sequential spouses/boy friends in her mom's life. She was told to call each of these men "dad". None of these men maintained contact with her once they ended their relationship with her mom. Needless to say, she now has "issues" surrounding male presences in her life. It seems to me that our OP is concerned about a similar situation affecting her loved nephew.
Personally, I believe that J needs to know that his biological father is concerned, responsible and active in his life. It is this childs RIGHT to know who his biological father. And while there are other male presences in his life, he will always have his biological dad there. What term used for the other male presences in his life is really out of this biological father's control...but the biological father, in order to earn his recognition as parent, needs to take full legal, financial, and emotional responsibility for his child.
My father died when I was 17 months old, I have no memory of him, I did have a stepfather whom I never called Dad. Years later when I had a father-in-law , I never called him Dad,either. Nobody instructed me to do this, I just felt I had a Dad, even though I didn't remember him. Anyone else was not Dad.
I will have to agree with kaplods on this issue. I am the stepmother of two girls, whom my husband has had full, exclusive custody of for the last 16 years. I am their mother. The woman who gave birth to them is not. It makes me so sad that they call me by my first name and refer to me as their stepmom, but their "mother" has made them feel so guilt ridden about me that they cannot bring themselves to call me Mom. I seriously want to cry typing this. I long ago made the choice to not have any children "of my own" because one of my daughters has special needs, and I felt another sibling in the house would only divide my attention and leave me less energy to help her. These are the only children I will ever have. I have sat up nights with them when they were sick or sad, been to school conferences, concerts and to the principal's office, fed them, clothed them, loved them and fought with them for the last 12 years. Their "mother" disappears for years at a time without calling or writing and has never paid child support to my husband. And yet, no one will ever call me Mom.
I really think that the functional parent (i.e. - the one in the home dealing with all the day-to-day parenting issues) deserves the title as much as any biological parent.
I pray that one day, I will get to hear someone call me Grandma.
I am truly grateful for all these thoughtful responses. Some of you have stated very clearly some things I've been trying to say but have been unable to put into words as well as you have.
I didn't make a couple of things clear in the beginning--my brother, the biological dad, IS in the child's life and sees him as many days/week as he possibly can (which is a minimum of 2 and sometimes 4 or 5), including overnights every Friday. He works a full-time job with overtime; he pays child support; and yes, he has joint legal custody of J and lives only a few miles from him; the mom has full physical custody.
I'd still like to hear any other comments/thoughts you might have.
The "other dad" in J's life is not a stepdad--he's an on-again, off-again boyfriend of J's mom who stays with her only on weekends, because in Section 8 housing, she's not allowed to have him live with her (or else she couldn't get that financial assistance). Unfortunately this other man lived with J and his mom full time for the first 3 years of J's life, until my brother took some action to stop it.
She has actually taken J to OTHER men's houses to stay overnight when she does (other men she's "dating"). So as one of you mentioned, there very well could be other "daddies" in his life along the way.
It's a heartbreaking, somewhat unhealthy situation for J, but unfortunately we live in about the most liberal State in the country, and here, the mother's rights are absolutely paramount. She'd almost have to be beating him regularly in front of others or forcing drugs down his throat in order to be considered unfit. So trying to get custody isn't really an option (my brother has already consulted lawyers).
I didn't mention a lot of things in my original question because I wanted to keep the question simple and focused. Both men love J--it would be impossible not to [and of course that's coming from a COMPLETELY unbiased aunt/godmother! ]
I agree that J should be taught that there's no such thing as "too many people who love him", and he shouldn't be made to feel bad about loving the adults he spends the most time with. That's probably the bottom line.
Your description is heart-breaking, it's just my opinion, but of course your brother would be Daddy in this situation.
If the mom insists that her partial live-in boyfriend is "daddy", well, how can you argue with crazy people? All your brother can do is keep fighting for the best, healthiest relationship with his son (sounds like he is doing a great job). As Mrs. Wolf so eloquently described in her post -when someone does the mom job or the dad job, they are the mom and the dad, no matter what name they are called.
Need objective opinions--is this right?
]