I haven't had a chance to read all the replies here because I was so anxious to answer your questions!
• If I were to wind up pregnant, how would I avoid having the baby destroy our marriage? Honestly, my husband is the most important thing in the world to me (well, besides myself, which I have learned is really important too). I would never want anything to come between us.
First of all, I know at least one person already said that you cannot have a baby to save a marriage. Sometimes couples who are already in trouble decide to have a baby and hope that fixes everything. It does not. This can give the illusion that babies ruin marriages.
I will also say that babies CAN test a marriage. Research has shown that at least in the early years, people with babies are actually less happy than their peers without babies. (This is in regard to individual happiness, not necessarily relationship satisfaction, but I can't see how that wouldn't carry over). And I love my babies, they are now 2 and 3, I love them in ways I cannot describe. I am pretty happy with my life. But it is HARD to be at their beck and call. It is hard to know that you cannot just go out on a Friday night because your husband is working and someone has to watch the kids. The loss of freedom can be a problem. I am a homebody too, and even I feel a bit stifled at times.
Fortunately, I have a strong marriage and a husband who understands that it can be frustrating to be with these little whine monsters (said with affection) all the time. If I didn't feel I could communicate with him honestly about my concerns, I could see how our marriage can be in jeopardy, because I'd be so unhappy.
• Is it possible to love your husband as much as your children? I have heard from other women say that it’s not “okay” to love your spouse as much/ more than your kids. Why?
Well, it's a different kind of love. He was the center of my life until we had kids. I see us now as partners who have mutually put the kids at the center of our lives. I would never say it's not okay to love your spouse as much as you love your kids. You can't help your feelings. There are a million cliches about loving your kids more than anything in the world, and I believe that they're true, yet I cannot even begin to describe it.
And I was a lot like you, I should add. I NEVER "got" kids. I didn't think I had the maternal instinct, ****, I'm still not sure I do. I went nuts over puppies and kittens, but never babies. Even when I was pregnant for the first time, I actually referred to someone's baby as an "it," I kid you not. But I took the plunge and had a baby because my husband really wanted kids and I was just unsure, and I fell so in love that I wanted another baby and was pregnant again 5 months later.
Sorry for that tangent...but I think a good way to look at it is that you may feel differently about the baby than you do your husband, and that's OKAY. But it's like when you're on an airplane and they say that if the plane goes down, put the mask on yourself before you put it on your kids. A strong love and partnership between parents should definitely be a priority when you are raising children. (Not that I'm knocking single parenthood, but if you have two adults in a house it really helps when they get along, KWIM?).
Oh, and seeing your husband caring for a baby is just about the sexiest thing in the world.
• How would I make sure that my husband didn’t feel replaced by the baby? How would I make him feel more involved if we were to have one?
This question concerns me a little. Is your husband controlling? Does he demand your attention? Would he be jealous if you showed attention to a helpless creature the two of you created together? Because if that's the case, then you may need more help than you can get from a message board.
But if this is just a general question of you not wanting him to feel left out, then it seems to me that's his issue. Like I wrote above, my husband wanted kids more than I did at first. He actually taught ME how to change a diaper. He was up more than I was for midnight feedings. I know some men are afraid of babies, but honestly I think that's just an excuse. Like anything, practice makes perfect. The only way to be involved is to get involved, and he should be able to find ways to do that if he likes. If not, then that is his decision.
I haven't had a chance to read all the replies here because I was so anxious to answer your questions!
• If I were to wind up pregnant, how would I avoid having the baby destroy our marriage? Honestly, my husband is the most important thing in the world to me (well, besides myself, which I have learned is really important too). I would never want anything to come between us.
First of all, I know at least one person already said that you cannot have a baby to save a marriage. Sometimes couples who are already in trouble decide to have a baby and hope that fixes everything. It does not. This can give the illusion that babies ruin marriages.
I will also say that babies CAN test a marriage. Research has shown that at least in the early years, people with babies are actually less happy than their peers without babies. (This is in regard to individual happiness, not necessarily relationship satisfaction, but I can't see how that wouldn't carry over). And I love my babies, they are now 2 and 3, I love them in ways I cannot describe. I am pretty happy with my life. But it is HARD to be at their beck and call. It is hard to know that you cannot just go out on a Friday night because your husband is working and someone has to watch the kids. The loss of freedom can be a problem. I am a homebody too, and even I feel a bit stifled at times.
Fortunately, I have a strong marriage and a husband who understands that it can be frustrating to be with these little whine monsters (said with affection) all the time. If I didn't feel I could communicate with him honestly about my concerns, I could see how our marriage can be in jeopardy, because I'd be so unhappy.
• Is it possible to love your husband as much as your children? I have heard from other women say that it’s not “okay” to love your spouse as much/ more than your kids. Why?
Well, it's a different kind of love. He was the center of my life until we had kids. I see us now as partners who have mutually put the kids at the center of our lives. I would never say it's not okay to love your spouse as much as you love your kids. You can't help your feelings. There are a million cliches about loving your kids more than anything in the world, and I believe that they're true, yet I cannot even begin to describe it.
And I was a lot like you, I should add. I NEVER "got" kids. I didn't think I had the maternal instinct, ****, I'm still not sure I do. I went nuts over puppies and kittens, but never babies. Even when I was pregnant for the first time, I actually referred to someone's baby as an "it," I kid you not. But I took the plunge and had a baby because my husband really wanted kids and I was just unsure, and I fell so in love that I wanted another baby and was pregnant again 5 months later.
Sorry for that tangent...but I think a good way to look at it is that you may feel differently about the baby than you do your husband, and that's OKAY. But it's like when you're on an airplane and they say that if the plane goes down, put the mask on yourself before you put it on your kids. A strong love and partnership between parents should definitely be a priority when you are raising children. (Not that I'm knocking single parenthood, but if you have two adults in a house it really helps when they get along, KWIM?).
Oh, and seeing your husband caring for a baby is just about the sexiest thing in the world.
• How would I make sure that my husband didn’t feel replaced by the baby? How would I make him feel more involved if we were to have one?
This question concerns me a little. Is your husband controlling? Does he demand your attention? Would he be jealous if you showed attention to a helpless creature the two of you created together? Because if that's the case, then you may need more help than you can get from a message board.
But if this is just a general question of you not wanting him to feel left out, then it seems to me that's his issue. Like I wrote above, my husband wanted kids more than I did at first. He actually taught ME how to change a diaper. He was up more than I was for midnight feedings. I know some men are afraid of babies, but honestly I think that's just an excuse. Like anything, practice makes perfect. The only way to be involved is to get involved, and he should be able to find ways to do that if he likes. If not, then that is his decision.
Phew! I hope that helps.
Amy, thanks so much for your thorough response.
Yeah, I am one of those where I don't really go nuts over babies like everyone else... but give me a puppy or a kitten, and I go bananas, lol. I guess because of that, I always assumed I just wasn't "cut out" for mothering because I didn't go crazy for babies. However, any time I am around kids, I seem to get a lot of compliments on how I handle them.
In regards to the third question- my husband isn't controlling or jealous at all! In fact, he's the complete opposite. However... I am more concerned with just the fact that my husband has never really been around babies. He has never even held one! I think they scare him... I know my dad was scared of me as a baby, too. Babies are so delicate, and they really can't interact at all... My hubby just gets this "deer caught in the headlights" look whenever a baby is around. I am also concerned about him feeling more involved because I am just paranoid of becoming like I feel my mom did. I would want to make sure that my husband always knew that were a "team" and that the baby had in no way replaced him.
Yeah I think you have started realizing that your mom's way of thinking is wack! lol Don't worry my mom is wack too
I'm 26 and while it's just 3 years older I don't feel ready at all to have a child either- but my mom acts like I'm so behind, and I'm like mom when I want to have a child (which I want at least 2) then I will, but not before then!
I think it's possible to raise 1 child and them not be spoiled. I have friends on both ends, ones that are only children who are DEFINITELY spoiled, and others who aren't spoiled. In fact some of my friends who are spoiled aren't only children. And one of my friends has a 13 year old and 19 year old and BOTH of them are spoiled rotten. Now that she's lost her job she's realizing just how spoiled and unappreciative her children are...
It sounds like you and hubby have a great marriage, and have considered kids. Let me just say no one is 100% ready to have kids, and no one isn't scared when they find out they are going to be a parent- EVEN THE ONES WHO PLANNED for a child still have fears. It's only natural to wonder if you are going to be a good parent, if your marriage will last, and so on.
I know for hubby and myself we've been through a lot and having a baby will be tough- but doable
Go at your own pace, you aren't ready now, but who knows, in 2 years/5years/7years/10 years you might feel ready and have only one child. And who knows you may only have one and they turn out to be a good kid and not spoiled at all- what your mother says is not written in stone- you can survive and keep your marriage intact and have one unspoiled child lol.
The only way your husband will feel replaced is if you make him feel that way. If you keep him involved and listen to him and have good communication then neither of you will have to worry about this issue when and if a baby does come around
Personally I say wait a few more years- you've got tons of time for children!
I've been thinking about this topic quite a bit lately, because I have a nearly 8-month-old baby boy and my marriage has definitely changed somewhat. I don't think the changes are permanent, so I'm not as stressed about it as I was when my son was a newborn. Of course, at that time I had a bit of postpartum depression, troubles with breastfeeding, and extreme sleep deprivation. The sleep deprivation is still there but the rest of it is all worked out!
Like many of the previous posters, I was never "maternal" either. I knew I probably wanted a kid one day, but I was never in a hurry. My husband and I got married when I was 21 and we didn't start seriously thinking about a baby until I was about 28 or so. We tried for several years and couldn't conceive. I was sad about it but not incredibly heartbroken because I still couldn't really see myself as a mother. After I lost a ton of weight in 07, I conceived and it was a total surprise. I had the baby in August of 08 at 36 years old, after 15 years of marriage. (So you see, you have PLENTY of time!) I'm very glad that it worked out this way, because I don't think I was ready in my twenties.
My husband and I are one of those couples who never really fight. We've never had a reason to. And yes, we thought of ourselves as a family when we didn't have a child, as we should. I hate when people say "start a family" as if you're not already one before you have a baby. A family can be any group of people who love each other, after all, and a married couple is at least that, right? Anyway, we've been happy for years and I've never really had a bad feeling toward him in my life. I know I'm lucky, that most people don't get to experience the kind of love we've had.
However...yes, babies change things. In some ways, we're closer than ever because we made this amazing little person and we get to watch him grow and change together. In other ways, yes the baby has become the center of my life. I never thought I would be that kind of mother, but you honestly have NO idea how you'll be until you actually give birth. You can say all day long "I would never be that way," but having a baby does change you in some ways. For example, I've decided to be a stay-at-home mom even though I love teaching and we'll suffer financially somewhat. I never in a MILLION years thought I would do that!
I really believe that the first few years of a child's life are just a crazy moment in your life and you have to get through it but also enjoy it as much as you can, you know? My son will never be this age again, and I wholeheartedly believe that a strong attachment is crucial in the early years, so the marriage is slightly taking a back seat right now. It's kind of a mutual decision, though; my husband isn't whining for attention or anything. Part of that could be that we're older and more settled with each other anyway and we don't require constant attention, if that makes sense.
That said, I am REALLY trying to get my baby to take a sippy cup so I can leave him with a babysitter and my husband and I can have a date night!! He would never take a bottle, so I haven't left him for more than 2 or 3 hours since he was born. Crazy, huh? Before I was a mommy, I would've said, "She's insane! I would never do that!" You really don't know what you'll do until you have this little person in front of you and, like another poster said, your heart is outside your body.
I had moments when my baby was a newborn when I really got mad at my husband but I tried to hold it in because I recognized that it was just my crazy hormones. Things are much better now and I expect them to get even better as my son ages and I can regain more of my own identity as a person and not just a mommy.
I'm torn on the only child issue. I really want just one but I don't want my son to miss out on the experience of having a sibling. Unfortunately, I'm kind of old so I would have to have another relatively soon, and I'm way too tired to imagine that!
In regards to the third question- my husband isn't controlling or jealous at all! In fact, he's the complete opposite. However... I am more concerned with just the fact that my husband has never really been around babies. He has never even held one! I think they scare him... I know my dad was scared of me as a baby, too. Babies are so delicate, and they really can't interact at all... My hubby just gets this "deer caught in the headlights" look whenever a baby is around. I am also concerned about him feeling more involved because I am just paranoid of becoming like I feel my mom did. I would want to make sure that my husband always knew that were a "team" and that the baby had in no way replaced him.
Good, I'm glad to hear that about your husband! It's so hard to tell online sometimes. I guess in this sense, I am like your husband because I was the baby of the family, and I just was never around babies. They scared me too. And it's true that little babies don't really interact, but they have a way of captivating your attention. You could sit and stare at a sleeping baby for hours. I think if he's as attentive as he seems, you will have no trouble getting your husband involved.
To answer you question KIDDO ~ "Do babies destroy marriages?"...
NOT POSSIBLE! A baby is a wonderful innocent creature given by God....innocent.
People destroy marriages.
Here is a question I will ask of you...."What was the greatest day of my life?"..
Of course you don't know....but my 28 year old son does and so does my 25 year old daughter (both older than you )
It was the day my daughter was born....if I had a another child it would have been that one.
My son is not jealous at all...he understands why.
I am not married to their mother anymore, although we are good friends...
I have added a step-daughter and raised a nephew to the equation....
Life takes a lot of twists and turns....our past can destroy us if we allow it to...
Raising a child is not always easy on a marriage....
Raising a child is one of God's greatest blessings....
If raising a child is not yet in your "heart" you probably are not ready...however life throws us curves ....you may have to learn in a hurry!
I will say a prayer for you tonight that when and if the time comes for you and your husband to be parents that you will learn and grow to be OUTSTANDING parents in spite of your past issues!
and that one day....even when they are 28 and 25 they call or text you daily to say...
My husband and I are actually closer having shared the wonderful experience of bringing a child into the world.
Now I love my husband as much as I ever did but I will tell you that the love you feel for your child is a different kind of love and it is the strongest love you will ever know. I always thought that was hooplah before I became a mom I was like no way I could love someone more than I love my husband but you can. It doesnt mean you wont still love your husband but truth is (atleast for me) your gonna love that baby more than anyone else.
Babies do make marriages more work but along with it they make it more fun and special. The most special day of our life was not our wedding it was the moment we heard our baby boy cry for the first time. My husband will tell you the same thing. We felt closer than we ever had at that moment and that will be a moment we will hold in our hearts forever. He will tell you the same thing. We love each other even more now that we gave each other this precious little gift.
But sure there are days our needs are not met because we are busy taking care of a child. You have to be willing to sacrifice a lot to have a baby.
But I dont think you have to sacrifice your love for each other.
And the fair thing.... those guys would have probably went their own way without kids too. DH stays with me and DS when we go somewhere with friends or sometimes he and DS will go off with the guys or whatever. Its never like the scene you described for us. He is a very hands on dad and loves DS with all his heart. And Im okay with the fact that he loves DS more than he loves me b/c I feel the same way. It doesnt mean we dont love each other as I said we were close before and are closer and love each other even more now but its just hard to explain how much you love your child to someone who doesnt have children.
I didnt read any responses before I posted and just scrolled up and wanted to add
MY DH had NEVER held a baby or been around kids didnt really think he even liked kids and he is the BEST dad in the world. Even thru my pregnancy he wasnt overly emotional or didnt act real excited (even though DS was planned and DH wanted him) but the second he heard that baby cry and they handed him to him his life changed. You could barely pry him away from him. And he changed diapers, did feedings, whatever needed done.
It doesnt matter that he was never around them before he learned quick and is a great dad!
I always thought that was hooplah before I became a mom I was like no way I could love someone more than I love my husband but you can. It doesnt mean you wont still love your husband but truth is (atleast for me) your gonna love that baby more than anyone else.
I can't explain it, but that statement scares the living daylights out of me. What does that mean? what does that say about me?
Hey girl, mom of two here! Yes they totally CAN AND DO DESTROY MARRIAGES, but not mine (going strong since 1986!)
Actually it's not the kids that do it....it's the parents who neglect their own (and other adult) relationships when the kids come along.
I really believe in dating your husband. I believe in making appointments/dates for sex. Believe me if you have a toddler and an infant in the house, that's the only way it's gonna happen!
I believe in asking for help. I believe in babysitters. I believe you should avoid at all costs addressing each other "mommy" and "daddy."
I believe if at all possible, waiting until you have some measure of financial security (not to say you have to be well-off, I mean, wait until finishing school, etc.) because NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING is more stressful than dealing with poverty and babies at the same time. I know that's not very romantic to say but that is TRUE. Poverty can be romantic for short periods if there's no babies involved. But ya know we've had our seriously broke moments (thankfully, they were brief) with the girls too and got through them but IMO, financial stress is what killed most of the marriages of the people I went to high school with. $$$ and infidelity are the marriage killers, not babies! Babies are fun, if you're ready for them.
Then maybe you are just not ready.Thats not a bad thing.Like I said earlier, you are taking the time to sort this all out before you are in the situation.I will tell you one thing, there is never a right time to have a child.You will never have enough money, time, love, big enough house........Thats human nature.When you or if you have a baby, it just works out.Things just fall into place.I can tell you the most wonderful moments in my life involve at least one of my children.Enjoy your life the way it is now and take time to decide what you and your dh want.
It IS scary! IT IS! You're totally right and btw even though I'm a happy mom I'm not of the mind that EVERYBODY HAS TO HAVE KIDS! I have a married sister who chose not to have kids and she's very happy with her decision -- and my kids' favorite (and most generous) aunt for obvious reasons! She LOVES kids, and sure loves spoiling mine, she just doesn't want to deal with them every day, she wants her freedom and you know what? Good for her. Everyone's different. Just because all your friends are having kids doesn't mean it's the right decision for you and your husband.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LittleMoonRabbit
I can't explain it, but that statement scares the living daylights out of me. What does that mean? what does that say about me?
Have you spent much time trying to sort out exactly what the fear is? What is the worst case scenario running through your head?
Say that you did have a child, and did feel a different kind of love for that child that you saw as "bigger" or "more" than what you felt for your husband (and I'm not saying I think that'd be true...I'd imagine the two are very different feelings that are almost too far apart to be compared, that just share one word in English..."love for a child" is almost certain to be a different sort of feeling altogether than "love for a spouse", but let's assume for argument sake they are one type of feeling). What would happen?
Are you worried that the love for your child would crowd out the love you have for your spouse? Do you think your capacity for love is limited to a certain amount and you'll overflow your allotment?
Are you worried that the actions associated with loving a baby (all the time spent caring for it, for example) will crowd out your schedule so you have no time for the actions associated with loving a spouse (intimacy, talking, etc?) Or that a child will push your marriage so low on the priority list that you stop taking care of it?
Are you worried that you WON'T feel more/bigger love toward a child, and that will mean you're a bad parent/person?
I find it's really hard to work out issues like this without having a deep understanding of what the worst-case outcome you're most afraid of would be.
I firmly believe that if both partners consider the marriage a top priority, it's hard to destroy a marriage...really hard. And that relationships built on a solid foundation can take the shaking of MANY life stressors, from babies to deaths to everything in between. Babies shake things up, but if the foundation is there, the house isn't going to come down with a little shaking, you know?
Have you spent much time trying to sort out exactly what the fear is? What is the worst case scenario running through your head?
Say that you did have a child, and did feel a different kind of love for that child that you saw as "bigger" or "more" than what you felt for your husband (and I'm not saying I think that'd be true...I'd imagine the two are very different feelings that are almost too far apart to be compared, that just share one word in English..."love for a child" is almost certain to be a different sort of feeling altogether than "love for a spouse", but let's assume for argument sake they are one type of feeling). What would happen?
Are you worried that the love for your child would crowd out the love you have for your spouse? Do you think your capacity for love is limited to a certain amount and you'll overflow your allotment?
Are you worried that the actions associated with loving a baby (all the time spent caring for it, for example) will crowd out your schedule so you have no time for the actions associated with loving a spouse (intimacy, talking, etc?) Or that a child will push your marriage so low on the priority list that you stop taking care of it?
Are you worried that you WON'T feel more/bigger love toward a child, and that will mean you're a bad parent/person?
I find it's really hard to work out issues like this without having a deep understanding of what the worst-case outcome you're most afraid of would be.
I firmly believe that if both partners consider the marriage a top priority, it's hard to destroy a marriage...really hard. And that relationships built on a solid foundation can take the shaking of MANY life stressors, from babies to deaths to everything in between. Babies shake things up, but if the foundation is there, the house isn't going to come down with a little shaking, you know?
Mandalinn- I think all of those things have gone through my mind... that maybe I do have only a limited capacity for love, or that somehow the time I would spend on the baby would take away from the time I spend with my husband. I mean, I LOVE the time I spend with my husband. We're so close, even just watching tv feels special when I am with him. I guess I am afraid that somehow the time I would spend with the baby will take away from the time I spend with my husband. I have also considered the possibility that I won't feel that "big love" parents talk about... since I have never really felt very maternal towards children of the "human" kind.
)
