Wedding Faux pas?? Please help;)
 

I am in a bit of a situation, I am having a destination wedding that is intimate and would like our immediate family and close personal friends to come, we are expecting a max of 30 people. Since some of our friends are single and others only dating, engaged or married. We addressed inviting significant others only if you are living together,engaged or married.

We e-mailed a nice written letter stating our wishes to the single friends. We realized we stepped over some etiquette boundaries, nonetheless we did need our wishes be known Some have not had an issue with it. In fact some are still coming regardless. One of my very good friends who has only been dating her bf for 2-3 months has decided not to come because she does not want to go "alone." She has dated guys left and right and has not sustained a serious relationship for more than 6 months. Recently she has barely come out for drinks or anything b/c she is always with her bf. I have yet to meet this bf thus far. She says she was not offended by the email but does not want to go alone. I think that she should reconsider and come to the wedding. I think that she is just insecure. Should I even make an effort to convince her to come or would i be wasting my time??:?:

If someone wanted me to travel to their destination wedding on my own dime and show up without a date, I certainly wouldn't come to the wedding and I'd be iffy at the idea of the friendship. Pay for my tickets and hotel and I'll show up solo if you want me to.

From an etiquette perspective, the only rule you broke was calling it out so obviously in an email. For the couples you invite together, you write both names on the invite. For the singles, you just write their name. That's it. The only folks invited are those on the invitation.

If people asked you, you'd just politely explain your reasoning and that'd be that, on a one on one basis.

It is your friend's decision whether or not she wants to attend. Just express your regrets that she isn't going to make it and ask her to let you know if she changes her mind, because you'd really like her to be there.

Not in this economy toots! The reason we wanted to limit bf/gf is b/c we are going all out for the limited amount of people coming. Quality vs. Quantity. Its all about being friends and being there on a special occasion she will not be the only single person there!

The outer envelope is addressed to the person/people you're inviting and the inner envelope shows their first names. Amazing how many people still use Mr. John Smith & Guest. Yikes!

People RSVP and indicate how many are coming. That's your cue to make individual phone calls and do what you need to do.

Personally, I'd want my guests to have fun and if they're going to have more fun by bringing someone along whom they enjoy spending time with, then all the merrier.

When the economy interferes with social graces and tact, it's time to downscale the festivities. Better to have a classy barbecue in the backyard where everyone feels welcome and then an upscale bash where the cash register is cha-chinging in your head.

Toots? Wow!

Hi BoopRN~~

Congrats on your wedding and I wouldn't worry about whether or not you made a faux pas. Your friend isn't acting like much of a friend if you ask me. She's acting like a prima donna who really needs to get over herself. I can't even believe that someone who is a very good friend would basically try to make you invite her new boyfriend to your wedding when you don't even know him. I'm sorry, but that's what it sounds like she's doing and that doesn't sound like a very good friend to me.

You know what I just thought of? Maybe there's another reason that she can't go--like financial reasons? Is that a possibility and maybe she's using the going alone thing as an excuse to avoid embarrassment? Some people are a little weird and they don't want to discuss financial hardships.

Either way, you have a great day and don't worry about anything other than your wedding. :)

Vicki

I've never heard the living together, engaged or married qualifier in the eight years of officiating weddings before. I have seen invites that make it very clear to leave kids home, that it is an adult occasion. I would be very offended if I was your friend. Maybe she is just saying the reason for her not attending is because she doesn't want to go alone is because her feelings are hurt.

What's wrong with that? We did that on a couple of our single friend's invites-it sure beat putting "John Smith and the girl he's hooking up with whose name we can't remember" :lol:

I agree with the second part, though. Perhaps it's just a different school of thought, but I had a destination wedding (well, in my home town, which is a resort and was a destination wedding for most of the guests) and we thought it would just suck for people having to drop all that money to come to our wedding only to be dateless.

I understand your reasoning behind it, and wanting a small intimate wedding. I think judging how much someone's significant other means to them by the amount of time they have been going out does not really work. I have friends who were dating for 4 months before getting married, and they're still together. Although everyone's different.

The only thing that would be considered a faux pas is the e-mail. It would have probably been better to address the issue on a one-on-one basis only if it came up. Other than that, you did nothing wrong and I don't feel you are being selfish to not invite a guy you've never met.

I also understand why your friend doesn't want to go alone. Weddings can be hard to attend alone when they are local. I can see how certain personalities wouldn't want to go stag to a destination wedding. Just as you have the right to invite who you want, she has the right to decline. No ones feelings should be hurt on either side IMO.

Also, especially in regards to weddings you have to travel to, you can't expect everyone to show up. Not everyone can afford it.

As far as addressing an invitation ... and guest, that really isn't considered proper etiquette. Even in this day and age. I mean, how hard is it to call your friend and ask the name of who they are dating? Perhaps if you tried and couldn't find out? I'm sure only etiquette sticklers would care, but those are the rules if you want to follow them.

BoopRN~ I have yet to hear of a wedding where someone wasn't offended or upset about something someone did. Usually, in hind site it's for something unimportant (at least it was with my wedding.) I still can't quite figure out why everyone gets so emotionally vested in a wedding (except for the couple of course.) It really doesn't matter what you do, whether faux pas or not, someone's feelings will more than likely get hurt. Just have fun and enjoy yourself. Create the wedding you and your intended want, that's what matters.

Well, I know that in our case, we just allowed people to bring dates, significant other or not. Some people didn't even know who their dates would be until the week before, which would've made addressing the envelope difficult. Of course with people who had serious relationships we named them as well.

.... I'm so glad it's over :lol:

I was going to type something like this, but Zenor did it for me! If you are allowed to say people can't bring a date, your guests are allowed to say they aren't coming because they can't bring a date. I definitely understand your financial concerns, you should be more understanding of her emotional concerns (being dateless at a wedding sucks, even if you're not the only single person there).

I'm so glad I eloped.

:D

I'm putting myself in your friend's shoes here....and I wouldn't want to hop on a plane and fly somewhere only to spend a day, night or weekend all alone with other people coupled up. A wedding is a romantic sort of occasion, and being alone (even if there are other people alone) isn't any fun at all. Particularly when it's hard to understand WHY other people you two are friends with were able to bring THEIR significant others. Are you really that close to their husbands/wives/fiancees/live-in bfs or gfs that you specifically want them there, and NOT just your friend they happen to be with? Why is your friend's relationship any less special than theirs?

I could see the condition if YOU Were paying for the airfare and rooms, etc....but not if they're flying on their own dime.

I can also understand wanting to keep the affair small and intimate...but barring this guy from the gathering isn't going to get you any closer to meeting him. Or any closer to your friend.

My two cents...I think what you need to address here is your need to keep out transient boyfriends and, therefore, alienating a good friend. What's more important? Weddings are all about people getting together to wish you well on the next big section of your life. Why is it so important for you to only have established couples at your wedding or totally single people?

I, for one, would not go. Reason being is that all through my late teens, all of my twenties and much of the beginning of my thirties, I was single. I watched friend after friend after friend get married while I was dating loser after loser after loser. All I ever wanted was to be married. I had the worst luck with guys.

All through this time, going to people's weddings sent me into deep dark serious depressions...especially one wedding I went to where I knew the bride was having a lavish affair with a different man that was AT THE WEDDING! I thought it incredibly unfair that SHE was getting married, whereas I, who would be (and is) as loyal as a dog to my husband, couldn't find anyone!

I have to say, by denying your friend who seems to have the luck I did with men, the choice to bring her boyfriend to an incredibly romantic, intimate affair such as your wedding, seems like you're punishing her for having bad taste in men. Looking at it from her standpoint, I'd be looking at your request like this, in my mind: "Sorry, Kris, but you have incredibly poor taste in men. You can come to my wedding and watch me marry my perfect man, but you have to leave your loser at home and watch in lonely misery while I have the day that you probably will never, ever have." I'm not saying that you are actually thinking this about your friend, but I, for one, would feel that way.

So, no...I for one, wouldn't go to your wedding if I were in her shoes, either. I also, if I were the one getting married, would want my friend there in whatever capacity it took for her to be happy (unless she had a tendency to drink too much and table dance or act like she belongs on the Bret Michael's show), even if it meant bringing along a loser for a boyfriend. At least she'd have someone to sit with and peek out at from the corner of her eye and think, maybe? while she's watching you in wedded bliss and the other established couples. Who knows? YOu might finally meet the guy and actually like him?

ME TOO! Because after watching friend after friend after friend get divorced, I realized that its more about what the marriage will be like than what the wedding will be like. The wedding is just one day, but the marriage is...well...the rest of your life! And planning weddings is far too stressful for me!

And way too expensive!

We took the money we would have spent on a wedding and travelled a month in Europe AND laid a nice down payment on our home.

Priorities! LOL

It is your choice to invite whomever you want to but I'd agree that its also your friends choice not to come. I had a similar incident at my wedding where there was drama and someone couldn't bring a date, it wasn't my choice overall and I wasn't happy about the entire thing but events led up to the situation. In the end, the person decided not to come. I respected her wishes and if it was up to me, she would've came along with her date and the other people involved wouldn't have had an issue.

I planned my own wedding by figuring that everyone could bring a date if they wanted and not everyone did. My top number was based on that. It meant that I didn't invite as many people because I wanted a small wedding but I figured the people who I did invite could at least bring someone with them if they chose to.

Honestly, I really don't get your indignation. You have every right to invite a person without inviting a date, and she has every right to accept or decline. I get being disappointed if you want her there, but it seems more than that. I think she handled it very well by saying she wasn't offended but couldn't make the trip alone.

The ladies here have already had some stellar points... and speaking from the soon to be brides point of view I totally understand the concept of quality vs. quantity.

I've mentioned it to my friends before that if they're not seeing someone at the time of the wedding, then they shouldn't go out of their way to find a date either. But, we're not a destination wedding and we're paying the bill. If we were getting married down south where it would cost hundreds to thousands of dollars for the guest to come, then I believe that gives them a right to bring someone so that they enjoy themselves even more.

The bride and groom (and/or family) may be the ones paying for when everyone's there... but you're also asking that any guest that comes take time off work and pay to be there. It's gotta be worth it... and sorry to say that being friends (no matter how much they care about you) may not be enough sometimes. You never know, she may end up marrying the man. awk-warrrrd. ;) But ultimately, you will have a wonderful wedding and although it's disappointing that your friend isn't able to make it, there will be many more events that she will be there for I'm sure. Don't stress. :)

Generally if budget is an issue, those in relationships should be invited along with their significant other. If you can't afford to have both parties attend, then invite neither (may seem harsh but when you're trying to keep a wedding at 20 people, you can't invite everyone). It's not up to you to decide whether your friend is in a serious relationship or not. When I was dating my future husband for 2 months, I was already in love with him and knew that I was going to marry him, and wouldn't really want to go away to a wedding without him.

Destination weddings usually require guests to pay their own way, apart from the actual event. I think they are great, but it is definitely asking a lot when inviting people. It's a much greater expense than other weddings. So, I can see why this person might not want to attend.

Also something to think about is destination weddings tend to naturally weed people out. I would agree that not inviting either is probably the way I'd go if money was the issue. It may even be that he can't come anyway due to work/schedule/money. Who knows?

I also want to add that you are well within your rights (after all, its your wedding) to not let your friend bring her boyfriend, but the payoff is that you have to accept her answer and not judge her by her decision. That is all...

You all bring up some valid points I appreciate your input. I understand my friend's point of view completely. When I got engaged I made it well known that I wanted a small intimate destination wedding since my fiance did not want to elope and I did, we compromised. I am truly sad that she cannot come and have told her so. Destination weddings do tend to weed people out, which is why i went that route. But, like every wedding there is always drama somewhere. You just cant avoid it. I applaud those who have been able to elope, but did you all have drama with your families? Bottom line, I am sad she's not coming and respect that but happy that we will be having the wedding we wanted. After all its our day and we are going to have a blast!

Here, here!

If you don't mind me asking, where are you having this affair?

Vegas, Baby!

Sweet! Personally, Vegas is one place I wouldn't mind going dateless! So much fun to be had!

Yeah, I think you'll have a good time :lol:

Which is why it caught me by surprise that my friend did not want to go alone. Vegas has been our vacation destination for the past 7yrs we've been together, which is why we are getting married there. Plus, its such a casual city and so much fun!

It depends, I hate vegas and wouldn't want to go there. I'm not sure how your friend feels about it.

She has never been, she had said she was be excited to go. Oh well, her loss.

It seems to me, you're being a bit harsh. It seems that you are at least a bit miffed, and taking it personally that she's choosing not to go, even though she declined politely and apppropriately. A wedding invitation, especially to a destination wedding, and especially to a guest who doesn't warrant an escort, isn't an obligation, and prospective guests don't owe you an explanation why they cannot or choose not to attend.

Also wedding ettiquette is not nearly as universal as the ettiquette books would have you believe. In central IL, "and guest" was pretty standard for all single guests, because everyone knows how much it sucks to be single at a wedding. Even bringing a platonic friend of either gender was preferred to coming alone. Inviting someone without "and guest" was tantamount to saying "we don't want you to come, but we do expect a gift". I'm not saying that's how your friend interpreted it, but expecting her to attend whether she wants to or not, just isn't reasonable.

I wouldn't have a lot of fun, even in Vegas, even for my best friend's wedding without a travel companion. Traveling alone, just doesn't appeal to me at all. It doesn't matter how great the destination, even if other aquaintences will be there (especially if they're all paired up, and I'm not), going alone is a bummer, especially since the bride is going to be far too busy to spend time worrying about whether I'm having a good time or not.

In choosing a destination wedding, you had to make some difficult choices, and you want your guests to respect that. You've got to be able to respect their decisions also, even if they're not what you would like. If you're taking it as personally as you seem to be, I'd ask why you don't expect your friend to take it personally that you didn't invite her bf, so that she would have a travel companion. It seems you're saying she shouldn't be offended (and it appears she isn't), but you have a right to be.

Every wedding invatation I have ever recieved had my name "and guest" except of course when I was married.

So when the ceremony is over and you are partying with your new husband you friend is supposed to walk around the rest of the time alone?

I wouldn't come either.

For the friendship I would have let her bring the guy.

Our other single friends whom she knows are coming. Its not like she's going to be alone and not know anyone. I, understand the idea of letting her bring her bf whom i've never met but it defeats the whole intimacy of my wedding. I have concluded to respect her decision not to come.

this whole situation seems silly. if you arent paying for the accomidations, what difference does it make if she brings her bf or not. why cant you meet him before hand? personally, i dont know you, but i certainly wouldnt come to your wedding if you had that attitude. its pretty petty that you would rather preserve the intimacy of your wedding (which wont be more than an hour) than preserve a friendship. just because you have other SINGLE friends going is not an excuse. she is not single. she shouldnt be forced to be in a situation presuming she is.

While I agree with you that you are entitled to invite who you see fit, because it is your wedding, I also understand your friend's position. For quite a long time, I was in a long distance relationship (I am talking a real long distance, almost 900 km) and it sucked going to events on my own (and often, I chose to not go at all). I don't think I would want to go to a wedding as a single person - it really sucks. It does not matter that will be other single guests - obviously they don't have an issue with it but this one friend probably does. Personally, I don't mind travelling solo but I am tired of being the single person in the sea of couples.

why dont you just let the singles have their dates and they pay for themselves? Since they may or may not be the same boy or girlfriends by the wedding. I would like to be their with someone if it was my first time. Seeing all there is to see alone is boring! I think you just want to be a bridezilla! lol. No Im kidding but....I do think its not that serious. Just (as you said you did with future hubby) compromise. Let them pay for themselves. Who cares if someone gets mad or what others think.

According to the good folks at etiquettehell.com

When you decide to have a destination wedding, it is assumed that there is a reasonable expectation for a guest to deline the invitation for whatever reason (usually financial, or in this case, not wanting to travel without their partner).

It is also considered wedding etiquette to assume that a couple is those who are married, engaged, and/or living together. Without those, it is reasonable to invite the person as a single.

So, I suppose you both have valid reasons.

Keep in mind that while a wedding is a huge deal for you, it does not hold the same value to others and it is unreasonable to be offended when someone doesn't want to spend a great deal of money on it. If she is spending lots of money, feels obligated to go, and can't bring her boyfriend, it sure doesn't sound like much fun for her so I can't blame her.

I have a friend of mine who is also planning a destination wedding this year in Vegas.

Now...I currently have a boyfriend, but we are NOT engaged, NOT living together, etc. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 5 months, and she DID invite him, too (or whatever guest I wanted to bring with me).

Personally, I wouldn't want to go to an airport, travel on a plane, stay in a hotel room, etc. ALONE.

It isn't just about the wedding and the ceremony (Where you said there will be other SINGLE people there for her to hang out with.) I would absolutely attend a small, intimate wedding by myself if it were nearby, but I am not going to travel across the country like that ALONE. Your wedding and reception may only last for a couple of hours, her alone time is pretty much going to last all weekend long.

In Indiana, that would require me to go the airport here in my state, get one one plane, and then most likely end up in the airport in Chicago for a while, while I wait for another flight, etc. that will actually take me to Vegas. That is 3 different airports, 2 flights, etc. just to get there. No one wants to do that by themself...and then pay for it, to boot.

I understand that you want an intimate ceremony, and I don't fault you for that. I understand that you don't want to pay for food/reception costs and all that for someone that she may or may not be with 3 months from now. On that same note, however, you should not get upset with her, or take it personally that she doesn't want to travel across the country all by herself, and pay for plane tickets, hotel costs, etc. and be alone all weekend.

So, I think that you should be more understanding of her position. There is nothing wrong with wanting a small intimate ceremony with only a few guests, or having a ceremony without children invited, or whatever kind of ceremony that you want. You should not take it personally, though, when people choose not to attend based on your choice.

Who says she can't bring him along for company and he just goes to gamble or something during the one hour ceremony and a couple of hours during the reception? Then they can hook up again and have their own little vacation!

Sorry but I disagree. It is your choice of course as to whether you want to allow your single friends to bring a guest... but I agree with her in deciding not to attend if she cannot bring her friend, especially with it being a destination wedding. I would not go either in her circumstances.
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