Yikes, this topic is getting kind of heated!
Anywho, maybe I'm just overprotective? But my man don't need to be talking to other women about their breasts. And I'd let him know that to, I got no problems doing that.
I just assumed that the reference to the "other" guy was made up. Just a (very flimsily) veiled reference to your husband and you. IMHO.
me too... but hopefully that's not the case.
you have to know your husband and if this kind of talk is normal for him. I have some guy friends (and guys i've dated) with whom this kind of thing would be totally acceptable, and then others who i would not expect it from. If this kind of talk is out of character for him, I'd be worried.
I agree with PhotoChick and reading the other comments only lead me to believe that if the spouse is having a "conversation" with a friend it's ok - but if the other spouse doesn't know the person the "conversation" is with - well, that's another story.
I was raised in a very conservative household - my hub on the other hand wasn't - let me tell you - my first dinner with his family at the dining room table put me into "what the he**" zone quick. But, as I grew with the family - I realized that no one was being torrid - there just wasn't anything that couldn't or wouldn't be discussed.
A one income family is very hard. It seems that your feeling - I'm working your playing and this is what I come home to. Not only do you feel unappreciated for your work but also taken advantage of. You know your gut - and for any woman who has been deceived - You Know IT. It's not a question and you don't have to think about it - it's a knot that doesn't go away.
Have you thought of saying "Darling, showing the ta ta's" was your best answer? Bring it up and talk about it - either way you'll feel better than second guessing yourself.
I just want to say I am sorry for my first response.. I can only imagine how hurt you feel by this, I am sorry this happened to you I am sure its not fun to ask for advice and get world war 3 on this site... I think it is a place of support . I hope you find a way to work this out where both of you can live with the end result. I wish you the best ps ive been marrried for 12 years and if it feels like a big deal to you it is something that really needs to be worked out and not swept under the rug.
I meant the marital relationship and their circle of friends in general. It sounds to me like what he is doing with this woman is not the norm in this marriage and this circle of friends. It has sounded to me like this relationship between the OP's husband and this woman is different from his usual friendships. That's what is a red flag to me. She didn't frame the problem as him flirting with lots of people and that being a problem. She said he is flirting with this one woman.
I agree, had this behaviour been normal for her and her husband, then I don't see how it would be a problem. But the OP is making it seem like this isn't something that's normal in their relationship, and that's a red flag for me as well.
This happened to me over a year ago, but I was the other woman. I had been texting with my guy friend, whom I'd always made sexual jokes with, that was just the way we were. But when his girlfriend read the text messages on his phone, she completely freaked out and actually made him promise not to communicate with me at all anymore. So for 3 months we never spoke.
Now I definitely understand why she would have been upset. I just wished she had understood that it was all a joke, thats just how he and I are.
So I agree with some other comments, its about the context. Whynot see if you can meet this woman? I don't know... might make you feel more at ease if you see their interactions first hand. Maybe thats just the kind of sense of humor she has. Plus, if she did have any an underlying motivation in joking with your husband about that, then I'm sure you inviting her over (and being completely welcoming and showing how secure you are in your relationship) would probably be quite intimidating to her.
Did you express how uncomfortable this made you after you last posted? I agree with what JulieJ said, which is that this seems like it's outside the scope of what you and your husband might joke about.
In marriage there are boundaries. Some people have tighter ones than others. I have a friend who is very conservative and his wife won't allow him to be in a car alone with another woman. That is a boundary that they have agreed upon. On the other hand, I have a friend whose boundaries are a lot looser and his wife is secure enough to not take issue with the fact that he has female friends. ****, I watched their kids the other day. I find it all to be quite relative.
But I don't think I would ever find myself emailing a married male friend specifics on my breasts. She sounds like she's seeking attention more than anything.
ETA: This reminds of my DH's friend. He and she have been friends for a couple of years longer than we have been together. I've met her before and while I like her, I think she'll just always be his friend. I've never felt uncomfortable with it and would have said something otherwise (although early on I did inquire why they were never an item). The morning of our wedding, DH was adament about having breakfast with her so they could spend some time together (a precious entity during a wedding). I didn't see a thing wrong with this because it was perfectly within the scope of their friendship and my comfort level.
i can't imagine reading any of my husbands emails - and if he read mine i'd be furious. to me this is a much bigger issue then anything either one of us said in the email.
you either trust your spouse or you don't.
I had a friend I used to work with. We used to exchange emails frequently, and we would write these rather torrid but funny scenes involving things like some of our co-workers done out in leather with whips, etc. They were often quite hot! But, he was a straight guy and married, and I am not interested in men, so there wasn't anything to it except being funny and titillating. You wouldn't have guessed that if you just read our emails, though!
My question about this is, how come those messages were on the computer for just anyone to see, namely you when you came home? Because I do know that anytime a heterosexual man is talking about breasts, he's getting excited. Is he playing with your head by leaving them up on the screen?
Well, good luck anyway... Maybe what he needs is... a JOB...
I think the debate about whether what he said was appropriate could go on and on. Obviously different relationships have different boundaries, and what could be appropriate to one couple could be seen as a betrayal by another.
The real question is how do YOU feel in your relationship with HIM? Are you two happy in general? You mentioned that you're the one working. How is that working for you both? Do you get enough attention from him, or are you left feeling overlooked and under-appreciated? Does he feel ok about being the one at home or is it a source of frustration for him? How much time and energy is spent on maintaining the marriage in general? Do you feel that he is happy with where things are right now between the two of you?
That might seem like a lot of questions, but I know that how I would feel about the situation would be colored by how I felt about the relationship and it's stability at the time and to be honest, while it may feel hurtful it doesn't strike me as the main issue.
Just remember that he's with you for a reason and loves you for a reason
ETA: If he's at home because he's taking care of the kids then that's one thing, but otherwise I've gotta agree with Jay. He needs a job.
Last edited by JoyfulVegGirl; 10-29-2008 at 08:11 AM.
Wow....see this is why I can see both sides....there are a wide range of responses here.
First let me start by saying that he always lets me read his emails. We kinda just share one email account. I email people from his account all the time. It isn't like he was hiding this info from me. He just thought it was an okay conversation. I'm not comfortable with it because I don't know this girl.
I don't see this as a cheating issue. I just see it as I need to find a way to understand it. If I met him with them being friends and talking like this it would be a lot easier to understand. My thing is that this just started 14 years into our relationship. So it is new for me and I am looking for a way to grow to accept and understand it.
Thanks for sharing all your thoughts on this because it helps me to see that there are lots of ways to look at this topic.....
