Sorry if I offend!
 

I really hate to ask this question, but it's something that's been bothering me for a while and I know you ladies are so very, very wise. :)
It seems like marriages all around me are failing. My main confusion is with the marriages that have lasted for 15, 20, 30 or more years. Spouces are asking "out of the blue" for a divorce. This worries me. I'm worried for my future and for those around me. It's very troubling. What causes someone, after many years of love and building a life together, to just want to leave it all? I dont want to be sitting in my rocking chair at 50 and have my best friend ask me for a divorce for "no aparent reason." I would be crushed. Now, even though many divorced spouces say "out of the blue" and "no aparent reason," I know people don't leave happiness for the unknown. I know there has to be a reason. Maybe they've been fake happy and hiding it? Maybe they were waiting for the kids to grow up? Midlife crisis? I just dont know. Anyone care to enlighten me?
I'm sure some of you are going through this right now and I dont mean to stir up any ill feelings or pain. I'm sorry if I caused this. If you have been through this, do you regret the marriage? If you could go back and not marry, would you?
Thanks for the help!

I know quite a few people who weren't happy in their marriages and wanted to wait until their kids were a certain age before they got a divorce.

I have to agree with Rebecca. My boyfriend and I are to be engaged soon and I worry about the same thing she posted. Any advice for a 28 year old?

Rebecca,

I'll do my best to answer honestly w/out giving away too many personal details. My husband and I have been married for 10 years. (In fact we celebrated ? our 10th anniversary this past week. *wry grin*)

I can promise you that there is no "out of the blue" or "no apparent reason" for us. For those outside our marriage - even our close friends - it was a shock, yes. And they all wanted to know "what happened - you guys were the perfect couple".

And even for us, we still love each other. We still live together (although as roommates, not as husband and wife). We are having a hard time moving forward with the divorce part because we're good friends and we care. But we are not going to be "married" in the true sense ever again. It's just a matter of one or the other of us making the choice to move on first. And right now neither of us wants to deal with that pain.

But things build up. Things happen. Communication erodes. One person changes and moves a different direction and the other person can't/won't go the same way.

Anyone who says "out of the blue" about their marriage falling apart is (IMO) in denial. Even my husband admits this; he has told me before that he fooled himself into thinking everything would be ok if we just went on the way we were, but deep inside he knew it was just a matter of time before I said "enough".

It's different for everyone. But no one - NO ONE - can know what goes on inside a relationship except the two people involved.

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I'm 26 and since I graduated high school, several of my friend's parents have divorced. I'm sure none of them were "just out of the blue", and I know with a few of them they had known fow many years that once the kids were gone, so were they.

There's no reason to live in fear of something that might or might not happen.
My recent philosophy on this is: if someone else wants him or he wants someone else, so be it.
Alot of people "think" it's better with someone else and then they find out that it really isn't.
I really don't care either way. I don't plan on divorcing my husband, but I sometimes wish I'd never married him.
Oh BTW, we dated for 8 yrs before we got married and have been married for 15 yrs.
One thing I've learned, no matter how much you think you know someone, you really don't (at least that's my experience).

Photo - thanks for your open and honest response. I'm sorry your going through this. I do agree that anyone who says it's out of the blue is in denial (or the other person must be really good at hiding pain and resentment). Your post did clarify some things. Like, communication; it's so important to keep the communication lines flowing and to be honest with your partner.
And, in my relationship it's just me and him and I'll probably see the end coming, if it does. And, we will both change throughout our lives but it's important to accept (or at least tolerate) those changes and love the person despite it. Well, I know you didn't actually say all that... guess I read between the lines. :)

It's not like I'm "living in fear." :lol: I'm just approaching a crossroads and in the back of my mind I'm thinking "is this going to be forever or will it be like such and such who seemed so happy but divorced after all those years?" And just trying to make sence of it all.

I mean... Gosh, you know, it was almost a rule: if you made it past the 7 year itch you were gold. But now... oy.

Just so you know where I'm coming from, I've been married for 21 years.

When you are new in your relationship or marriage, it is really hard to imagine that you will feel anything other than the deep love and happiness that you feel at that moment. The passion is strong and the connection is strong.

But, time takes its toll on those feelings and passions. You start a family and kids take a lot of your time. While it is all good, there isn't as much time to be just a couple. Your energy is spent on taking care of kids, working outside of the home, working inside the home, and just trying to get everything done. It is just a natural thing, but some people look at it as no longer being in love or that something is horribly wrong. But, it doesn't have to be that way. You have to plan to be that couple, go on dates, get a babysitter, or just spend a little time together. Honestly, my husband and I struggled a lot about 5-6 years ago. Now, we are more settled. I think when we finally sat down and talked, we realized that the other person was trying to do the best that they could, but there is just so little time.

It doesn't always work out for everyone because people change and feelings change. But, to stay together does take a lot of work.

All of that said... I wouldn't worry about it because you'll miss the really good time you're having right now. You have to meet whatever challenges come... when they come.

I could go on and on and on...on this subject....I won't bore you.

I will tell you though that as long as one person in the marraige allows divorce to be an option....you will probably end up there at some point.

I'd like to hear what you have to say :) From your posts you seem to be very successful at this marriage thing. ;)

The more I dig back into my parent's marriage and the more I learn about myself and marriage in general, the more I agree with this, for better or worse.

I actually don't see a problem with that... If I only had one friend, it wouldn't bother me.

Now of course it wasn't a marriage but I had a friend of 20 years. We broke apart. The reasoning I see it is I changed and grew my life in a different direction and she had difficulties with that.

The person I am today is not the same person I was when I started dating my husband. He has also changed. I think you are able to grow together as you grow older and you do have to accept the changes your partner may go through and know that they will accept the changes you go through. I know we've only been married for 2 years but my husband and I talk every day, we hug every day and we talk about various things that each of us would like to accomplish in the future. I don't expect my husband to be the same man in 5 years that he is today and I don't think he would expect the same of me.

I also told my husband that when we got married that there was no way out of this, he is stuck. :) I do believe that if we have issues in the future, that we will work them out.

I'm getting married in 75 hours (exactly lol), and while there's always a possibility of divorce, I'm not going to worry about it. I plan to be the best wife I can be, in any given situation, to be loyal and honest and make any decisions with my husband's best interests at heart (as well as my own...). That's all anyone CAN DO, imo, in a marriage. But even doing that, there's never a 100% guarantee that a marriage will last forever...but at least I would know I did my best and gave it everything I had.

I'm watching several friends go through this right now and it is heart breaking. Many of them are really trying to work things out with counseling too. I don't think any divorce is "out of the blue". I just think people are private about things of this nature and don't go telling everyone about the problems they are having.

I think a lot of people don't view marriage and love the way people used to. Divorce is much more socially acceptable then it used to be. IMO some people fail to realize that love isn't just about butterflies and feelings it's about a mutual commitment to each other.

DH and I talked a lot before we got married about the possibility of couples counseling if we hit a rough spot. We are both committed to working through things and not giving up. I'm very careful about communicating things on a daily basis. I think communication is key. I also think that once we have kids, I'd like to instate a "date night" without children. I think couple time is very important. I think it'd make us better parents too.

Also remember, that for every marriage that fails, there is one that lasts. There's always a positive side to everything. Try to look to those couples to see what they are doing differently.

My parents were still married until they passed and my in-laws are still married. Have times always been wonderful for them? No, but they worked through things. Marriage is hard work, but it's rewarding.

EDIT: I also wanted to say that growing in separate areas doesn't always mean growing apart. Dh and I have interests that the other doesn't share and I encourage this. We both need time away from the other. Yes, we take an interest in hearing about these interests, but we don't necessarily want to join in. I think a healthy marriage is one that gives both parties the freedom to be themselves.

speaking just from my personal experience- here's what I know.

I am very unhappy. My husband doesn't let me talk/won't listen to any problems. He refuses marriage counseling. If and or when I leave him- he will think it is out of the blue- even though I've tried to get through to him many times.

Sometimes a person is unhappy for a very long time and doesn't say anything out of fear or whatever their reasoning may be and finally they come to a breaking point and they just can't do it anymore.

Lizzie - I know you say your husband won't talk or listen but...

Have you said anything to him like "I'm very unhappy, if things don't change, I can see our marriage coming to an end"? or "I don't want it to happen but I'd like to fix the direction our marriage is going before it gets to the point of divorce"

I know some people think that they and others can live forever in an unhappy situation and nothing will change. Maybe if he understood that things NEED to change, then maybe that would help?

I have been married to my husband and best friend for 27 years. We had some hard times early in our marriage. We worked through it. Most of it was from crap that we brought with us from our families' dysfunction. We have grown together but not the same. Communication is key! I can't remember the last fight we had. It was so long ago. We may not agree on every little thing but we respect each other enough to not let that get in our way. I try to encourage him and he encourages me. He has never been negative about my weight. Only I have been. He is one of those people that will always be slim. I think that we are true partners. We treat each other as that. We talk a lot and we are now at that point that we say the same things and think more alike. I do feel that he is my soul mate and can't imagine going through life without him. I think we try hard to meet each others needs even if we might not agree with them. BTW... he is not a deep thinker and I am. I have learned to know that about him and he has learned to listen. I have to say, over the years he has become more of a deep thinker. Marriage is hard work and the most rewarding relationship I have ever had. We have two grown children..24 and 22. We love them more than words can say. We always kept in mind that the family started with us. We are important as a couple as well as a mom and dad.

I just had to express how I feel about marriage.

One can be committed and realize that it simply isn't going to work out. That doesn't mean that we wanted what happened or that we're happy about it.

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My parents just got a divorce after 25 years of marriage. It seemed "out of the blue" especially since their roughest times were years earlier but I think my dad had met someone else. He was remarried two years after he left my mom. The reason he gave for leaving was "I'm getting older and there's things I want to do before I die." My mom was very upset because she's like, well, I would've been supportive!

Truthfully, I'm sure he brought up things he wanted to do and my mom blew them off. He was passive and my mom was dominant and aggressive--very critical too. He is very happy with his new wife and they have so much in common and my dad is a changed (for the better) person. My mom is still suffering--she was religious and figured a so-so marriage was her lot in life... she is struggling to see anything positive out of the divorce.

My aunt and uncle are near divorce too. They had what seemed to be a great match... just great partners. But my uncle had a lot of bad things happen to him, physically, emotionally, financially and he started drinking a lot. Had to go to rehab. They had to sell their house for him to go. And he came back with promises and broke them within days.

That's just two examples of long term marriages that ended. Many friends are also having their parents divorce or near divorce.

I really think kids, for better or worse, bind people. When the kids are gone, it seems people think "Ok, I have half my life left or less... am I happy?" Even my aunt, who when faced with a situation that's definitely "for worse," realizing it may never get better, probably thought "I don't want to live the rest of my life like this."

I'm not married but I am in a serious relationship that has no foreseeable plans of marriage. Sometimes I wish I was married so I could have the stability of a commitment like that. Other times I never want to marry because I see too many people "stuck" in situations that probably won't improve.

Anyways, I think I've stopped viewing successful relationships as being a good husband/wife/gf/bf, but rather as having PARTNERS. The most ideal relationships I've seen, both people work together almost like a business situation. Isn't business people working together to achieve a goal/profit/something positive? I've seen marriages with a good wife, or a good husband, but that's just not enough. When the kids grow up and leave, 'what do I want to do with the rest of my life' is only half the equation... how can we achieve it is what's important. If we can't, or there is no we, then I think that's where people are heading for the door.

I agree with a lot that has been said. For the record, we will celebrate our 30th anniversary in Dec.

It doesn't happen out of the blue. Little things along the way add up. You can choose to ignore them, or you can deal with them. But, like pebbles in a jar, they do add up to a significant mass.

It takes dedication, hard work, and ATTENTION to make a marriage work. You must give it the time and energy it deserves. ANYTHING you neglect will wither away.

Many of my friend's marriages that have resulted in divorce are because the two parties have grown apart - not together. When life happens, particularly children - there are many, many demands on our time. It takes a conscious effort to make the marriage a priority. But, it must be done.

When the children leave home, you then realize you are living with either - your best friend - someone you are delighted to finally spend more time with or - a stranger - someone that you have grown apart from, gradually over the years. It is those in the latter category that usually divorce.

EZ is right on the "money: ;) with this one - if divorce is an option in the back of your mind - when life throws challenges at you, particularly if your spouse is the reason for those challenges - you will likely separate. If you truly believe that marriage is a life-long committment - that the two DO become one - then - you will most likely work through whatever the problems are.

For me, we have grown together over the years. We do most things together and enjoy each other's company above anyone else's. It is a joy to be with my DH - and we have fun together. We envision a future together, we make plans and talk about what we want to do in retirement.

Bottom line - a million choices made over the course of the marriage determine how it will end. Much like gaining weight - each choice we make has a consequence - and over the course of many years, those consequences make us who we are - hopefully - a healthier, stronger, kinder, wiser person.

Off :soap:
;)

Not only do I disagree with ths, it's a HUGE slap in the face to those of us who were totally committed to our marriage and never entertained the thought of divorce (in fact we agreed early on that even joking about divorce was not something we wanted to have in our home) and wound up divorcing anyway.

The judgement and blame assayed in this attitude is hurtful and uncalled for, IMO.

Until you've walked in someone else's shoes - or someone else's marriage, then you have no understanding at all.

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You have every right to disagree with this PHOTOCHICK but to refresh what I said..."As long as divorce is an optionfor one or both people in the marraige, you will probably end up there."

There is NO WAY COUNTINGDOWN was placing judgement on anyone. She simply agreed with what I said. In any situation where a couple divorced at least one allowed it to be an OPTION.

It was an option for my first wife...not for me...it is NOT AN OPTION for Angie and I. I or Counting had no intention of pointing fingers at anyone.

You both said probably. Neither of you implied that all marriages could or should be saved.

I don't think people ask for a divorce, you do not need your spouse's permission to get a divorce. I married someone that I trusted with my life. I expected to be married to him for the rest of my life or his. Of all the people I met in my entire life he is the last person I would expect to lie to me.But he did lie and cheat, I couldn't live with someone who betrayed me. It was a long painful time before a divorce happened. I have had opportunities to remarry but I will not go through another divorce. If I couldn't trust the man I married I for darn sure can't trust anyone else. Before a divorce happened in my life I thought people got divorced because they wanted to.It just doesn't work that way,

i actually have tried these things. it just isn't getting through to him and i'm pretty sure it won't. but - he may surprise me... we'll see.

i have a 22 year old daughter and a 24 year old son.. i love them both unconditionally.. there is NOTHING they could do to change that... they have both done things to me in their teens that if it were anyone else i would have walked out of their lives.. but they are my kids.. NOTHING would make me walk or stop loving them...

my husband and i love each other unconditionally as well...divorce is NOT an option for us.. i may not love EVERYthing he does.. but i love HIM...marriage has become a disposable commodity and its sad.. in fact 'familys' have become disposable as well ....... its become imho a me me me generation.. IM not happy, IM not fulfilled, IM not getting what i need..

i dont think divorce comes out of the blue too often... if my husband is sad, i know it.. if he is sick, i can tell.. if he is angry i know it.. he doesnt have to tell me, i just know HIM.. so that being said, if he was pulling away..getting distant, im sure i would see the signs.. and i would try to nip whatever was going on in the bud..i would fight for him and our marriage just like i would fight for my children.. there is always the chance i might not succeed, but i would give it my best..

i am still newly married (2.5 yrs) so i don't have a lot to offer but this. I think people do change as they get older...but if you don't work thr that, then the marriage will fail. my parents just celebrated their 40 yr anniversary this summer. And they are happier then they were when they first got married. But for them, divorce WAS Not an option due to their beliefs and up bringing. But what i will tell you is they did go thr a rough part (it wasn't always a perfect marriage). They did argue a lot. And then they found counseling (everyone find something that works). They went thr a program called marriage encounter. And they learned how to love each other again...and talk, work things out. But it definately take two to do this. So if one person isn't willing, it won't work. they both were willing to do whatever to save their marriage. And now they have. And like i stated, they are very very happy. Its not just a long term misery marriage. So hopefully that helps you. I say don't freak out about, but make sure you and DH are always talking and trying to grow as a couple. Good luck!

PhotoChick - there is no judgment or blame in my comment, really - only an observation. Not all marriages can be saved, and there are some times where divorce is the best and even only - option. But I do believe that it comes into play way too often, when a marriage could be saved. I feel strongly about this because of my own family history.

I grew up in an abusive family, where my parents divorced when my youngest brother was only a few weeks old. It was the right decision for my parents. It was the right decision for our family. But, the effect divorce has on a family, particularly when there are children involved, is significant.

Because of my family history, I became a counselor. I have worked with many abuse and neglect and addiction situations over the years. Thus, I would never judge or blame anyone for their decision or their circumstances. The decision to end a marriage is one that should be made by the family alone, hopefully with as much help and support as they can find along the way.

I agree with CountingDown that in some cases, divorce is the best option. It's just too simple to say, Oh, if it's not an option, then people will stay married.

For example, if a woman discovers that her husband has been sexually abusing the children, why would she not consider divorce, even if she had been fully committed to the marriage?

To raw23: There is simply no guarantee about anything. You may or may not stay married until one of you dies. People do decide to go their separate ways, and when they do, it's not necessarily because of a failing on anyone's part.

Jay

I see I might have created a problem here....what's new :lol:...with what I said. If I knew it was going to come up I would have explained further.

As most of you know I was divorced and so was Angie when we met. Divorce was not my choice, it was her choice in her first marriage. Details are not important for this thread topic.

I will try and explain better my view ~

As much as I did not want a divorce from my first wife, I thank God daily for Angie.

Angie and I are Christians and, through maturity in our Lord, we understand better that God will do as He promises and restore all things broken. We know that by looking to Him daily for guidance and :listen: listening to what He is telling us through His WORD we will survive all "issues" in our marriage. I will say we have had a few....though ones....with my step-daughter.

We believe that the Bible does give us grounds for divorce...but we also know that if we both look to our Lord first, on a daily basis, we will not fall into those situations.

The point of my first post was that as long as people look at divorce as a way out...an option as I said...they tend to...IMO...ONLY my opinion ;)...fail to do what they need to do to save the marraige. Again I stress, it only takes ONE person to want one....if the other person does there is usually nothing you can do about it.

I will admit that 19 years ago....OMGoodness! has it been that long?...wow!!...anyway....as much as I didn't want a divorce I will tell you I wanted my marriage saved for ME...little 'ol ME!!!...although I was a church attending Christian I know that I didn't "rest" in God's WORD and allow Him to work it out for my good. I held on tight, saying it was what God wanted...which it was...but it was not what my-ex wanted....I learned my lesson...still learning everyday in His WORD....I often say if I knew how good my life was going to be after my ex left I would have helped her pack her bags :)

All joking aside, it was a tough time in my life...well past that now and most know that my ex and I are great friends...actually will see each other most of the week-end for different family activities...as usual.

As usual I have rambled on and on and probably :?: confused everyone even more...some things never change :lol:

Which is ... IMO... ONLY in my opinon ... hurtful and dismissive of those of us who have done everything to save their marriage - ON BOTH SIDES - and simply cannot.

You're entitled to your opinion. I'm entitled to say I find your opinion to be hurtful and cruel.

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PHOTOCHICK ~ I am so confused as to how you see what I am posting is hurtful or accusing. I apologize...sincerely! And I will suggest we move past this :hug:

Since EZMONEY has opened the topic of describing religious views of marriage, let me offer a different perspective.

In Buddhism, there is no "creator god," and there is also no "original sin" that is associated with sexual knowledge or behavior. That being the case, you can see that it's a rather different starting point. Nevertheless, Buddhism has a precept against sexual misconduct, which means exploitive sex, forced sex, and/or nonconsensual sex.

"Buddhism generally takes the attitude that sex between two people who love each other is moral, whether they are married or not. On the other hand, sex within marriages can be abusive, and marriage doesn't make that abuse moral." --Barbara O'Brien, About.com.

In Buddhism a set "marriage ceremony" doesn't really exist, although some sects do have the equivalent of a "union blessing ceremony." Again, one is not being married "in the eyes of God." From this point of view, marriage is an agreement and legal contract, depending on the culture one lives in. And with any agreement, sometimes things change.

For what it's worth!
Jay

My dear friend JAY ~ I was not in any way trying to make a religious or a moral statement. I wanted to share HOW Angie and I stay away from divorce....by stating that WE know that our Savior is the thread that holds us together and as long as [B]we...the both of us/B] look to His WORD then we know that our marriage will always be saved.

And I know it is a religious statement...but it is who I am...not trying to preach to anyone...just sharing a little bit about me :hug:

No problem, Gary. However, the discussion seemed to wander a bit. I think it's true that if someone enters a marriage with the idea that "Oh well, if it doesn't work out, I can always get a divorce," maybe they shouldn't be getting married in the first place. :chin: But I'd guess most people go into a marriage thinking that it's for the long term.

Gary, you have shared that what keeps you and Angie from thinking of divorce is that you have Jesus in your marriage. I posted what I did simply to point out that one does not have to have Jesus, Jehovah, Allah, or any other deity involved in order to have a long-term, solid, committed marriage.

I do think that a couple needs to have a mutual understanding of shared spiritual, or if that word doesn't work, ethical values, such as honesty, fairness, and respect for the rights and feelings of each other. But even then, feelings do change. That doesn't mean divorce is the answer, of course--but sometimes, for some people, it is.

Jay

Well, ya'll hit a nerve with me today.

I am in a troubled marriage. I could bore you with all the gorey details, but I do not think there is enough room on this server for all that garbage. :lol:

I too am a Christian and believe that marriage is for life.....well, at first I wanted my marriage to work out because my mom was so against it and hers didn't work out, but I digress. I do have "biblical" reasons to get a divorce, but I am going to try one more thing to save my marriage. And trust me, I am tired of being the one to initiate all the change in this marriage.

I recently saw a movie called "Fireproof" with Kirk Cameron. This is a Christian based movie and may not appeal to those who are non-believers, but the concept of this book is basic. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails 1 Corinthians 13:4-13

With that said I have taken the "LOVE DARE". Will this save my marriage? I have no idea. Basically, I am going into this with not alot of hope, but with an open mind.

So, bottom line....Marriage is work, whether or not you want it to be or not. Communication is definately key, but difficult if the other person does not want or know how to open up.

luvin2lose - you and your husband are in my prayers! I pray that WHATEVER happens, you will find peace.

There are times when divorce is the only healthy option. I know I didn't get married with the expectation that I would be divorced within 5 years. I worked very hard to make our marriage work, but as you all know, it takes two people - it wasn't very important to him.

I was cheated on, lied to, financially messed up, etc and I found myself hating life, but even then I still tried counseling and everything else I could think of to make it work. He eventually ended up leaving, and for that, I am thankful. I don't know that I would have had the strength to say enough is enough, and the path I was on was speeding towards destruction.

There's no real formula for a successful marriage because there are just so many variables. I think the most important things are communication, honesty, willingness to keep trying, and acting in the best interests of both people. If you have the basic foundation set, you're a step ahead of most.

Edited to also say that sometimes love is not enough. It doesn't matter what you or your spouse does, there are some things you just can't "fix". And, as said by many, divorce is never out of the blue - one or both people knew it was coming long before it got to that point.

Such a topic...

I'm divorced, was married for about 8 years before we separated. I didn't get married thinking that I would get divorced. I spent a lot of time thinking that I was trapped in my marriage and in my situation and that divorce was not an option because "I won't do that to my kids".

I did get married thinking that he would grow with me and that didn't happen. All of the resentment he harbored built up and turned into ugly verbal assaults. My divorce was the best thing for me and also for my children. If I had stayed in that situation it would have taught my boys that it is ok to treat their wives/girlfriends/significant others that way and, more importantly to me, it would have taught my daughter that being treated badly is ok. What is odd is that he was the one that was so adament that he married so poorly with me, but he didn't want our divorce when it came down to it.

My ex is remarried and seems very happy. He treats her wonderfully (as far as I can tell) and I think that he learned a lot about what he needed and how to treat someone from our divorce. We are friendly, sit together at the kids' events, talk on the phone about their stuff, etc... I am not remarried, but have been dating a wonderful man for a couple of years and have learned to trust again and I do hope that one day I'll be married again. My kids are happy, well behaved, well mannered, and well loved kids. They are all good students and are well-adjusted. I think that had I stayed in my marriage and let them grow up in a tense, angry enviroment, this would not be the case.

My divorce was not out of the blue to me, but, in a lot of ways, it was to him. He thought I would stay there no matter what and he pushed that until I couldn't do it anymore. Very few people knew that we had such huge issues behind closed doors, so I assume it was out of the blue to many of our family and friends as well. You don't go around announcing to people that your husband tells you daily that you are the biggest mistake that he ever made.

I'm not sure what my point is, but I guess that I just wanted people to not look at the black/white of divorce is good/bad. Sometimes it is the only option for everyone involved to maintain positive mental health.