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I really think that pre-marriage counseling should be required. I think at least for a lot of people who get married very young like i did- they don't have a clue what it's going to be like. I didn't know what it'd be like living on my own, much less being married. And then you start to grow up- your opinions, beliefs, life experience - everything changes you and makes you into the person you're going to be. Late teens and twenties are probably not the best times to tie yourself to any commitment that is longer then- a semester at college. lol.
I had no idea when I was 19 that I'd change my mind and decide I want children - and he wouldn't. I had no idea that I'd never go to college because he thinks it's a waste of time/money. I didn't know that I'd live in a house where I come home, cook and clean for someone who doesn't appreciate it then go hide in my room and read until it's time to go to bed. I didn't know that I'd be made to feel like i'm the dumbest person on earth every single day, or have fights with the person i'm supposed to love above all others every single day. If I'd known these things- I'd probably made a different decision when I was 19. People make mistakes. I didn't get married thinking - well if it doesn't work out I'll just divorce the jerk. I got married thinking that I was getting a life partner. Sometimes you get something other then what you were expecting. At least for me since I'm still married and struggling a lot- the question I've been asking myself and have been unable to answer and I have to assume that a lot of other women and men in marriages have asked themselves this question too... How much of myself am I willing to sacrifice to this? |
There are thousands of reasons marriages fail, and I don't believe there are any simple explanations to why it happens, when it happens, and whether or not it was preventable. There are no general answers only specific ones to specific marriages.
I do think there are marriages that do stay intact only because neither partner would consider a divorce, whether their reasons are religion, children, control, fear, or stubbornness. So refusing to consider divorce is an option (not necessarily a good option in many cases, but it is an option). In a very real way, a divorce can only happen when someone in the marriage does see it as an option. Whether they went into the marriage with that option in mind is an entirely different issue. But seeing divorce as an option isn't necessarily a terrible thing. We see women die (and less often, men though it too happens) at the hands of a spouse because they didn't consider leaving an option even in a toxic, abusive relationship. There are people who wait too long to leave, and people who leave too soon. Although the judgement as to which is which is not necessarily appropriate for anyone on the outside to judge. It does seem in this modern world, that many people don't take marriage very seriously. They make vows, they it seems they didn't pay much attention to. To vow for "better or worse," and then leave a spouse because they've aged or gained a few pounds, or other superficial reasons, well it seems to happen more often than you'd expect if they really understood the better or worse part. My husband and I have friends who are on their third or fourth marriage, because the marriage broke up when it stopped being "fun" to be married. There weren't any major incompatibilities or serious problems in the marriages, the marriage had just lost it's "spark." I don't think that most people going into marriage are that shallow. Most people do understand that there will be better and worse, richer and poorer, sickness and health. Although I do think most of us don't really fully realize what those vows mean until we face some of the worse, poorer, and sickness parts. My husband's parents divorce when he was a teen (and he said his sister and he prayed for their divorce for many years before it happened). It was a very ugly divorce (but a perfect marriage, and a perfect family to all observers). My parents have been together in a far from perfect, but intact Catholic marriage. In Catholicism a person can divorce, but can not remarry unless the first marriage is found to be invalid for some reason. An annulment isn't a catholic divorce, the "rules" are very specific, and don't always make sense in the modern world (abuse is not necessarily a valid reason for dissolving a marriage). My husband went into our marriage very afraid of divorce. We've been married for nearly 6 years, and my husband is still afraid that I will leave him. He can be a bit of a stubborn jerk at times, but I knew that when I married him, and I'm not going to leave the minute I decide I don't like him very much (I'd be leaving every other week, if I decided that). I told my husband when I married him that I expected to fall in and out of love with him many times, and that I felt that love was as much a choice as a feeling, and if we both felt that way, and worked on our marriage, we had a good chance of it working. So far, that has worked for us. Six years of marriage is still pretty much newlyweds, though we say we've had a crash course in marriage, because we've face a lot of the worse, poorer, and sickness side of our vows. We've faced my husband's job loss, mystery health problems leading to a diagnosis for me of fibromyalgia, autoimmune disease, sleep apnea, a sinus malformation, a bankruptcy due to my medical bills, my decline in health causing me to leave a very lucrative job (that was 60% of our income). Our having to live on 25% of our income while I applied for disability - my husband then having a serious injury that triggered a health crisis, job loss, and disability himself. Mounting medical bills that are putting us back into financial crisis. Stress eats at a marriage. In some ways, I do consider us having had a crash course in marriage, and our marriage isn't scar-free as a result. Many people in our situations have divorced because they and their marriage couldn't stand the pressure. I don't feel my husband and I are superior to any of the couples whose marriaged didn't survive those stresses. For us, God has kept our marriage together (not always thanks to either of us). I was raised in a fairly devout Catholic home, but I've had a much more complicated faith work than my husband, and spent many years as a lapsed Catholic and deliberate agnostic. I am the doubting Thomas - one minute feeling very close to God and the next trying to understand how God can exist. My husband's faith is more stable and simple. He does have the faith of a child, and doesn't have to think about it much. I both envy that, and find it extremely irritating. A successful marriage is a lot of work, more work than I ever imagined putting in when I married (and I was about as well-prepared for marriage as anyone could be). I did tell my husband when we married, that I was very used to living alone and I liked it (I was prepared to be the middle-aged cat lady when I met my husband at 35). I expected marriage to be a lot harder than being single, and it has been. Being single wasn't better than being married, but it was definitely easier. I think it's unrealistic to expect or assume that all marriages will, could or even should work out. Sometimes divorce is the best for all concerned, and other times it maybe happens when it didn't need to, but it did anyway. I think you can be reasonable well prepared for the struggles and challenges your marriage and you in that marriage will face, but there is no magic or no guarantees. |
I agree with EZ's first post 100%. DH and I discussed divorce a lot before getting married and agreed that we would not ever consider it an option. I think that the mentality we have regarding divorce affects how we handle almost every situation where heated emotions rear their ugly heads. If we felt like divorce was an option to explore, it would be easier to throw in the towel than to work through and understand each other. If one of us wasn't able to trust that the other really didn't consider divorce an option, we wouldn't have gotten married. We feel that convicted about it.
Some people may think that ours is a naive position to take, and it may be, but every time we argue, we know that we have to come to a conclusion then and there because there are no other options besides working out our differences. I think that, because of this, we argue much less than other couples our age who have been married the same amount of time. That is truly a blessing. We're on the same page and KNOW that we're on the same page. With that out of the way, I do think that the phenomena of more couples getting divorced after many more years of marriage than we're used to has a lot to do with children. One of our friend's parents divorced after 25+ years of marriage recently. The turning point? Their youngest child left for college. Our friend was shocked, but finally came to realize that they had been unhappy for a long time. I know a lot of people say that you shouldn't stay married because of children, but I know that, in this family, the children are happy that they stayed married until she graduated. |
It's hard work
I have known my husband for 19 years - We've been married for 12. Both of us agree we are happier now than we've ever been.
I am driven and strongwilled. My husband is very grounded and realistic. We agree and appreciate these things about eachother. Although it stinks sometimes when I am strongwilled about something that is not realistic! :) I find it is sexy and magnetic when you believe in yourself and are confident in who you are. My mom told me - You have to be 'good company' and bring something interesting to the table... He says to me - "If you ever leave me... take me with you". We're a team - To the end. |
I think if both partners are committed, it is possible to say realistically "divorce is not an option for us, because we will always put the marriage before our individual desires and needs." But if either person decides that their individual needs are more important than the marriage (and I'm not judging the morality of that decision, particularly without knowing what needs we're talking about), then divorce (at least an emotional disconnection from the marriage) becomes possible.
My husband and I decided when we discussed marrying, that we would try to put the other's needs ahead of our own, and the marriage's need before either of us. Without God's help, and that commitment; I don't think our marriage would still be strong. The stresses of all we've faced would have just been to much for the marriage to bear. Part of it was following the advice of my husband's grandparents who have been married more than 50 years "love each other, even when you hate each other." It may seem impossible to love a person you hate (or at least don't like very much), but you can learn that love is an action not just a feeling. I think a marriage based on the action of love, is stronger than a marriage based on the feeling of love alone, because that feeling does ebb and flow. There are days I can't imagine ever again having the "hormonal" rush feeling of love for my husband. It feels like that magic is gone forever, when in reality the tide is just out, and it will eventually flow in again, especially if I stir the waters by choices I make. The action of love can bring about feelings of love, but I think without the actions, the feelings fade relatively quickly. A marriage can be like cultivating an exotic plant, it takes a lot of work and even with a lot of work, it doesn't always work out the way you expect. That doesn't mean a couple can't decide to keep and nurture the plant at all costs even when the plant looks dead to everyone else, or they may discard the plant because it doesn't meet their expectiations, even if it appears healthy to everyone else. I'm not going to judge anyone's criteria for keeping a marriage, or their methods of tending it, but I am confident in my husband's and my ability, with the help of God and the guidance of our faith, to tend the marriage and keep it alive and growing. It may not always be in the same stage of "bloom" as it was on our wedding day, but I think we can keep it healthy any way. I have to say that I expected beautiful flowers (a happy, easy marriage), but with our "crash course" in marriage through all the stresses, it's really more of a bonzai tree, shaped and strengthened by diversity, a little odd and even weathered and mishapen, but with a beauty of it's own. |
Lizzie - I'm so sorry to hear about the situation you are in. I do think it can be difficult when you are young and don't really know who you are or who you want to be.
I also think it can be difficult when you marry when you are older though because who you are may be well established and you may be very independent. I liked being alone, I liked being single but at the age of 31, I decided that I would share my life with someone and it was a bit of a learning process. We did discuss quite a bit of things before getting married, like kids where neither of us wanted kids but would consider them if the other decided they would like to have kids. We discussed future hopes, dreams, goals, etc. Even though things have changed and my hopes, dreams, goals of today are a bit different than a few years ago. I also believe that in a marriage you should be able to be your own person. If someone wants kids, then the other person should be willing to discuss it. If someone wants to go to school, why would someone discourage that? If your hopes, dreams, goals are so widely divergent then maybe it isn't a place you should be. |
Originally Posted by : The thing here is that when it's phrased this way, it becomes judgmental (even if it's not meant to be) towards those who cannot reconcile their individual needs with each other. What do you do when each person in the marriage has changed to the point that their individual needs are not compatible? At that point, neither person is happy and neither of them CAN change back to the way they were because it would mean suppressing or denying a very real, very tangible need. [edited for privacy reasons] And the idea that we went into our marriage with the idea that divorce was an option and therefore we "let" this happen is or that we chose our personal needs above the needs of our marriage is ... again, hurtful and offensive to me. FWIW. . |
photo - I think marriages need to have compromise and it seems in your situation, there is no compromise. So you and your husband are polar opposites with one spouse 'winning' their side and the other person being unhappy.
Before I married my husband, we discovered that we weren't totally compatible in the same aspect. I'm not talking years though, more like days and I'm not sure how I would've felt if I went without for weeks let alone years. We made compromises though that kept us both happy and didn't leave me feeling unloved/unhappy and didn't leave him feeling that he was being pressured/harassed. |
I think I was careful in being nonjudgemental - because I wasn't placing judgement on either an intact marriage or a divorce. Each can be a good thing. Each can be a horrible thing. Sometimes it's neither. Many people believe that an individual's needs and even desires are always more important that a marriage. There are also people who believe that the marriage is always more important than either individual's needs and desires (or worse, more important than one of the person's needs and desires). Neither opinion is necessarily right for everyone, or even right for the person practicing them. I can think of examples of each that would be horrible, and seem to be destroying one or both of the participants (and/or the larger family).
All of that being said, the exact value each partner places on individual needs and desires (each person's in the marriage) and the value they place on the marriage itself all do play a role in the decision of a divorce. A divorce cannot happen without at least one person's consent. That's neither a good or a bad thing in itself, it's just a fact. That doesn't mean a particular divorce shouldn't happen. Staying in a marriage that has become an ugly or dead thing is also (in my opinion) an unfortunate decision, at least without both partners deciding to work make it better. I have no business judging or careless commenting or speculating on the dissolution of any particular marriage (whether or not it seemed salvageable by my standards), if it isn't my marriage. To me, I might believe "In the same situation, I would have tried to work that out," or "that wouldn't be a reason for divorce for me," doesn't mean I think I can judge that for any other couple or family. I'm not perfect in that, though as there are some cases close to me that are harder not to judge (but mostly these are cases so close to my life that they are affecting my life). My husband's parents "stayed together for the kids," torturing the kids in the process. They both still pat themselves on the back for their resolve in trying to save the marriage, neither fully realizing the trauma they placed on their kids. In some ways, my parents marriage has been extremely turmultuous and I've wondered periodically if one or both of them wouldn't be happier in a divorce, but that's not my judgement to make, it's theirs, and I would support either. After seeing my husband's parents relationship (at least the indirect result of it) it made me see the difference in my parents relationship. As much conflict as there is between them, neither can invision their life without the other. A much as my mom gets on my dad's nerves, and my mom get's on my dad's, they're almost never more than 15 feet from the other. I'm just saying that all of us have priorities and values that determine our decisions regarding marriage. I don't believe it's wrong to put some individual needs ahead of a marriage (the need for personal safety being one that instantly comes to mind), but I do believe it's wrong to put some individual needs ahead of a marriage. But, it's not my job, responsibility or right to determine the right or wrong of it for anyone else. That being said, I also don't think it's wrong to share our values, priorities and decisions on the matter, either. I wasn't judging anyone else's choices or values, just stating my own. I am happy with my values and decisions, but I'm not saying they're right for everyone, just that they're right for me, my husband and our marriage. Because my position on this topic seems to be a bit uncommon, I tend to be more vocal in sharing it - that's just my personality to want to present my "weird" views and values more strongly than my views that are more mainstream. |
photochick- i thought i was the only one in that situation. i feel like i've wound up in a very long room mate situation then in a marriage most of the time.
i haven't seen anything that was all that offensive in anything anyone posted on here. I do believe that divorce is an option, and i'll admit that i did go into my marriage thinking - well if it doesn't work out i guess there's always divorce. i know for certain that my husband does not have the same attitude and that's why if anything ever does happen - it will be "out of the blue" for him. Does that make me a bad person? I sometimes think it does -but I really hope it doesn't. For now- I'm comfortable to hang around and see if things get better or worse. My personal wedding vows were not the traditional ones I don't feel bound by for better or for worse even though i try to know the difference between what is and what isn't a big issue in our marriage... it's a learning process. |
photochick- im sorry for what you are going thru... Ian and i kinda had the same problem the first couple years of our marriage.. i always had a huge sex drive, and once a day or more was just fine for me.. he on the other hand could go once every two weeks and be satisfied.. i told him that when i married him i gave him the 'key' to my sex life and it was unfair of him to hold back when i enabled him control of it by my beliefs of not cheating in a marriage.. thank goodness he has worked on it and during the last couple years we have gotten to the point where 2 times a week is the norm..it is still a lil less than i would like, but i know he has more than doubled his..and the funny thing, is it has actually jump started his sex drive.. now if we cant have sex during a week for some reason, He is the one that feels slighted lol....im sorry that your husband wont for whatever reason come to a compromise.. you mentioned something about --why should he have to have it when he doesnt want it , and why should you go without when you dont want to.. not an exact quote obviously, but the gist (i hope).. that is where compromise comes in... and for whatever reason (im not in your marriage, therefor i dont knwo why) he is unwilling to compromise.. i do believe in fighting for a marriage with all you have, but you cant be the ONLY one fighting for it...
i wish you luck hun....and again, im sorry for what youre going thru |
Thanks guys. As I mentioned, I've edited my post above .. just in case.
kaplods - I didn't specifically think what you wrote was hurtful, so I apologize if it came across that I was targeting your words (since I quoted you). I just personally believe that a marriage and a divorce can't be boiled down to anything as simple as "you gave up" or "one person saw it as an option". Sometimes it can - sure. I know of people who have gotten married with the idea of "well if it doesn't work out, we'll divorce". I'm not saying those people aren't out there. (And I personally see nothing wrong with that idea if both people agree that it's an option.) But for some of us, we DID *both* go into the marriage thinking it would be forever and never ever considering divorce as an option. We both came from parents who stayed married for 50+ years (my parents until the death of my mom and his are still married). We didn't marry until we were 31 and 30 respectively - waiting to make sure it was right. We dated for nearly 5 years waiting for him to finish school before we married. But the situation between us is exacerbated by medication issues that simply CANNOT be resolved for the safety and health of both of us. We weren't young and impulsive and jumping into this. And to imply that we're getting divorced because one of us "accepts" that as an option is hurtful. Neither of us accept it. Neither of us want it. But we both recognize that the other choice is for both of us to be unhappy forever. And maybe my situation is somewhat unique. I'll accept that as well. FWIW. . |
But you've got to accept it, or you'll have just as unhealthy and unhappy a divorce as a marriage.
The first step in getting a divorce is thinking about it - considering it, and eventually accepting it. There's nothing wrong in saying that (it doesn't mean you love the idea or had it in your head before the marriage, or before problems cropped up). If you don't consider and eventually accept divorce as an option - it isn't going to happen (because it is just the steps that have to happen for a divorce to occur). There's nothing accusatory in saying that. Both the good and bad truth is that for a divorce to happen, it has to be an option at least one person thinks of (at some point), and not only thinks of, but considers carefully and finally has to come to accept as the best (or only) choice. The worst case scenario is two people in an unhappy marriage who neither consider or accept the option of divorce, nor work together to rebuild the marriage. Literally, there are people who kill their spounses because they for one reason or another wouldn't consider, accept (or see the option of) divorce. My point was never one of "it's never ok to leave," but rather one of "it's ok to stay, and work out problems, even pretty serious problems." Not that it's mandatory to do so, but that it's ok to do so. It's ok, not to divorce, and it's even ok not to consider or accept divorce an option (at least as long as you don't consider and accept options like murder, suicide, harm to the children, or physical or emotional harm of either member of the marriage). |
I think you're misunderstanding me. I don't really see any need to continue this conversation further to be honest.
I found EZ's words and attitude to be hurtful and cruel. I still find his attitude to be cruel. But there's no sense in discussing it further becuase I think my words here are being twisted around to mean something I'm not saying. Thanks for the discussion. . |
I do believe in out of the blue. You see 5 years ago I was called home by my husband (was at a WW meeting). I sat down and he said "I love you but I'm not in love with you." We were married 20 years. I never had a clue, he was having an affair for the previous 5 years. I look back now and there were clues but I didn't see them. I don't think I was in denial but I was in love and willing to over-look bad behavior. I don't regret marrying. I have three beautiful (grown) children. I don't miss him, or marriage but I do miss being a family. My ex husband's father did the same thing to his wife.....(genetic cheater?)
Darlene |
Did my ex-husband consider divorcing me an option? Of course not, I was his meal ticket! It didn't stop him from treating me, and more importantly, our baby girl like garbage though.
Needless to say, I considered divorce an option and exercised it. It was absoultely the best thing I ever did. I'm married to a wonderful man now, I have two little boys, and my husband has adopted my little girl. My ex-husband, as no surprise, wants nothing to do with her. As an interesting side note, my parents and my in-laws are still married. Their marriages are hateful and verbally abusive (in my parents case, sometimes physically abusive as well). But they are all very proud of themselves because they're "still married." Whatever.... |
That's what I find so crazy, that some people will consider deception, physical and verbal abuse and sometimes even murder as options before divorce.
I don't think it's offensive or finding fault to say that for divorce to happen at least one of the people has to consider divorce at some point. In some marriages, not considering the option of divorce is far more morally repugnant, especially when more heinous options are chosen instead. When I was a probation officer, I had a case where a mother was ignoring the sexual abuse of her children, because she didn't believe in divorce! Yikes! |
Originally Posted by : Please note the original quote that got me upset: Originally Posted by : "as a way out" "fail to do what they need to save the marriage" Neither my husband and I looked at divorce AS A WAY OUT. Nor did we FAIL TO DO WHAT WE NEEDED TO DO TO SAVE THE MARRIAGE. What has occurred between us is a basic incompatibility (influenced by time, age, and medication) that CANNOT BE FIXED without one of us compromising beyond what makes either of us happy. To imply that we took the easy way out and didn't fight for our marriage or "failed to do what we needed to" is cruel and hurtful - because NO ONE knows our exact situation, and NO ONE knows what we did and have done for years to try to figure this out. And that experience has made me realize in a very real and personal way that no one ever knows what ANYONE has or hasn't done - and to say that anyone has "failed to do what the need to do", unless you are intimately involved in the relationship yourself, is rude, cruel, and hurtful. We did not just blithely say "well we have a problem and I don't want to deal with it, so we're just gonna divorce". Of course FINALLY, at some point, we had to say ... with tears and pain ... have we reached a point where divorce has become an option? And we had to answer ... again with tears and pain ... yes, at this point we've struggled and fought (separately and together). We've seen doctors and therapists. We've loved each other and still love each other ... but we cannot continue like this. And yes, divorce, no matter how much we don't want to think about it ... is something we now are going to consider. I'm not saying that AT SOME POINT the option becomes valid. I am saying that the comment that EZ made with it's blanket judgment that we (or any other couple struggling with this pain) just blew off our marriage and FAILED TO DO WHAT WE NEEDED TO so we could have A WAY OUT ... is unacceptable to me. And I stand by that. . |
First and foremost everyone is different...and I think as long as you never take your relationship for granted...if you always hold that relationship close to you and try to do things to keep it strong...it will stay strong...
I don't think anyone ever is just happy for 15 - 20 - 35 years and then they just wake up one day and buh bye.....nooooo something festers....they aren't happy in the sack...they aren't happy with one or many things in the relationship...and they may let it slide for years...but eventually it wears down on them and then something happens....they meet someone new or they just can't take it anymore, or any number of things communication is soooo important....and how you do it! |
HERE ARE MY POSTS ~
Originally Posted by EZMONEY: Originally Posted by EZMONEY: Originally Posted by PhotoChick: |
*regretting starting this thread*
:sorry: |
Rebecca, please don't regret starting this. Seriously. I'm not angry or upset in general ... I just found one particular statement to be ... let's say not well thought out.
But I think overall the information imparted and the things discussed are valid and (hopefully) useful. :) . |
when i was 20 i married my sons father( he was 6 months old at the time). i knew it was a mistake going into it, knew i didnt love him, but i felt like i owed my son a chance to grow up with his dad... we got married oct 5 of 84, and he hit me nov 9 of 84.. i say hit me, but he actually beat me up pretty good... i was young and never should have married him esp since i didnt love him... when i healed up, one night while he was asleep i packed my son and his things in the car, started it, ran back in the house, grabbed a baseball bat and hit my ex across the kneecaps, and left... not real proud of that now, but i thank god that even at such a young age i didnt stay around for that crap...
now im 44..i swore i wouldnt get married again cause in my heart i dont believe in divorce.. i do believe in 'happy ever after' etc.. but i had been so disalusioned at such a young age... when i met ian we had long talks about what we expected from a marriage, etc... in our marriage we dont consider divorce an option.. but.. im glad the option was there in my first marriage.. and i used it.. i was the 'one' that made it an option.. in this marriage neither of us believe divorce is an option.. its a personal, individual choice as we dont have the luxury to walk in anothers shoes even tho sometimes we may think we know best.. i personally havnt seen any posts on here that were said in a hurtful vein... we are all stating our opinions on this topic and with the wonderful diversity that is human, there will be loads of different opinions. |
Originally Posted by PhotoChick: I see your point....but I don't think EZ was saying that everyone who gets a divorce views it as a way out.....obviously I think there are several different situations where divorce is unavoidable (I could list several situations) Photochick - I don't know your particular situation.....but if I may guess.....did you get married young? The way I took what you said about your divorce was it was due to incompatability....so I'm wondering if maybe it was something rushed or not well thought out or based on the wrong emotions like a pregnancy or something like that....please don't get mad I'm not saying that is what it was I'm just asking because the point in me saying this is.....you can never be 100 % sure of who your marrying and if they are going to change through the years....you can't control people..... but I do believe that MOST (not ALL) marriages that are entered into at a young age or out of a feeling of obligation due to a pregnancy don't work out....again I said not all of these are the case......but everyone I have ever known to get married due to pregnancy has gotten a divorce and everyone I have ever known who got married before age 21 or so has also gotten divorced.....I think most men (MOST NOT ALL) mature a little slower than most (NOT ALL) women......I think this causes some problems.....I have known alot of people who get married and the man still thinks he can get out and go to bars and get out with the guys and run around and that never works and he wasn't ready to give it up..... I could really go on and on about this....but really each person's situation is unique and has different factors affecting it.... to the person who started this thread....you have a valid concern and shouldn't be sorry for starting this thread.....I think the fact that you are concerned about this will help you be more aware of things when you enter into marriage and possibly have a more successful marriage... my advice.....before marriage really look at yourself and the things you do...are you ready to sacrifice things for a marriage and someone else...things like...not going out and running around (clubs, bars, parties....if you do that sort of thing)....look at things that are important to you and how they will affect your relationship...this could be something as small as shopping habits...things you like to eat...or something as big as religion... then I would look at the top 5-6 reasons why marriage fails....and discuss those things with your partner....find out if there are any expectations in those areas....go ahead and decide how you will handle things.....for example one of the main reasons for divorce is finances (money).....go ahead and decide how your budget will work...how you will handle problems and spending...and how will you adjust the budget and changes or emergencies arise.....and do somethinglike that for each of the top reasons for divorce I hope I didn't offend.....I'm not saying my comments apply 100% across the board....everyone has their own unique situation....I wish that everyone could be as happy as they are on their honeymoon! :D Photochick - I am sorry for what you had to go through.....it sounds like it was a very emotional and painful time...and I am sorry for you for that....I wouldn't wish those feelings on my worst enemy......the only thing I can say is I truely believe things happen for a reason and your true love could be out there somewhere if you haven't already found them! |
I just finished reading this whole thread....
PhotoChick, my marriage was like yours.....and the decision to end it was just as painful. It basically came down to this--we were not meeting each other's needs. He was growing in a totally different direction, and by the time we recognized that, it was too late to come back together. We tried everything to stay married and be happy at the same time. It JUST DIDN'T WORK. In the end, I chose me, and what made me happy. That may sound selfish, but ultimately I knew it was up to me to create my own reality. I also knew that I was not what he needed, and that he could find someone better suited for himself. (And he sure did that--he was remarried five months after our divorce to someone that suited him better.) Today, he is still happily married, and I am in my fourth year with my special guy. He (my guy) has stated he will not marry again, and I am okay with that. I know our commitment to one another isn't any less because we aren't legally married. Marriage and Divorce are such individual things. What works (or doesn't work) for some will not for others. |
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