Help please,

I need to vent then ask advice.....I have recently discovered that my husband has contacted an old friend (never a girlfriend) that he went to school with (from K-12th grade). They made contact through classmates. They are now emailing back and forth at least 3 to 4 times a week and have spent a few hours on MSN Messenger chatting every once in a while. They talked last night on the messenger and she showed up again tonight but he couldn't talk to her because I was on the computer doing homework.

Let me first start off by saying that he has been very honest with me about every time they talk. He also shows me all of the emails. I appreciate how honest he has been and says this is just a way to pass time while I am not there (I work nights). He said he was just curious what happened to her and that she is nothing more than a friend to talk to...just as if it was one of the guys. The last time he had talked to her was years ago and at that time she was possibly getting ready to go through a divorce and he was just curious if everything was okay now.

My problem with this is that she is single and I don't think it is healthy for a married man and a single woman to be talking back and forth every day. In the beginning she also started texting him every day but I told him I wasn't comfortable with that and it has stopped. I just see a chance for a situation to develop that could later cause problems with our marriage. In the beginning there was some exchange of what I would consider to be flirting. I asked him to be careful about how he talks to her and now I don't see any flirtation in their emails.

I know most of my problems with this stem with my lack of self esteem and I hate to feel like I am dictating who my husband can have as friends. I don't know if I am over reacting or if I am justified in thinking it is not the correct thing for them to be sending multiple daily emails back and forth and for them to be chatting until 1 in the morning when I get home. I told him I was comfortable with an email once or twice a week or a chat every now and again.

I am actually already going to a therapist on Friday to help me fix whatever is wrong in my head but am open to any other advice on how I can feel secure about things again and not let this bother me. Am I loosing my mind or what?? I sure wish I could feel confident again.

Any advice? As you can see I need a lot of it. Thanks for reading.....

I think seeing a therapist is a good idea.

I have a LOT of male friends. A lot. I work in what is a fairly male dominated industry and many of the friends I chat with online every night and chat on the phone with daily are men. A good many of them are married. And yes, to them I am "just one of the guys" ... and I really appreciate being treated that way and not feeling like someone is trying to make a sex object of me. I like being able to get male perspectives on things and laugh and joke with them and not worry about getting hit on.

I think that the fact that your husband has not only been 100% open and above board, including showing you the emails and chats, but that he has acquiesced to every single request you've made should tell you something: he's stopped texting, he's cut out the flirting. IN other words he's been responsive to every request you've made.

I think that if you continue to make a stink about this and if you forbid him to communicate with her, you run the risk of driving your husband into doing something he shouldn't - on the idea that if he's going to be treated with mistrust, then he might as well do something to deserve that treatment.

I believe two things: adults should be treated like adults and if I couldn't trust the person I was with, then I shouldn't be with him.

That's me. I have fairly strong feelings on the subject as you can see.

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That must be very frustrating.

But, being that I am a woman (soon to be married, though) who was buddies with many, many guys in school I can say that 'just friendship' is quite normal, and very possible. I don't believe it to be unhealthy.

Also, being that they haven't talked in a very long time, it could be that they just have a lot to catch up on, and forgot how much fun it was to be friends.

You've put some boundaries on how they communicate, and that's perfectly fine and understandable, and your husband has respected your wishes and been honest & open with you.

It's so recent that the conversations may fizzle down over time and they'll speak less frequently. Or you may meet her and become friends with her yourself.

Don't worry too much about this.

Also, I just wanted to point something out:

In the first part of your post, you said they email 3-4 times a week and that they chat for a couple of hours "every once in a while".

But later you said "multiple daily emails" and "chatting until 1 a.m."

So ... honestly ... which is it?

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Well they have only chatted online a few times. usually for a few hours until I get home. That happens to be 1 AM. They email back and forth about 5 to 15 times a day. She sends an email and he answers it and so forth until there is a chain of emails for that day. The emails seem to happen up to 4 to 5 times a week even though I told him I was comfortable with fewer emails.

I e-mail co-workers & friends like this all day long. This is a very common thing to do.

Your husband is married to you, and for good reason Try to remember that.

Like Faerie said, I send emails like that a lot. Back and forth. Just chit chatty.

Don't make a mountain out of a molehill!

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I am feeling better about it as it goes....like I said this is a recent thing....what bothered me the most was the flirting in the beginning and the texting. I am trying very hard not to make mountains out of this...that is why I asked for advice...I do appreciate the thoughts...it does help.... =0)

I probably would have been concerned at first, but it sure sounds like your husband has been very honest and open with you and willing to do what he can to make you feel more comfortable. As long as this continues to be the case, try to relax and not worry about it. I can understand how it might make you feel - I have some self esteem issues myself - but it sounds innocent to me at this point.

I agree with Photochick and Faerie. People can be "just friends" regardless of gender, and it is not a "warning flag" that something is wrong for them to email and communicate on a regular (daily even, depending!) basis.

Just a note of caution, from someone whose husband was not comfortable with me having friends of the opposite sex. That lack of trust and lack of self-confidence in the relationship (on his part) was a huge and direct factor in our divorce. "I don't feel comfortable with you emailing someone regularly because it's someone you knew before me, and they are single and of the opposite sex" can very easily translate into "I don't trust you to respect our relationship enough not to cheat. And I don't trust your judgement in friends -- she must want you as more than a friend!"

That kind of thing can be very damaging to a relationship. There's a very hard road to follow to get back from that kind of lack of trust. If you can avoid going there (unless you genuinely believe he is cheating on you), then don't go there.

Okay...

I am actually going to give you some advice from the "other side" of the coin. A few years ago, I went to my 10 year class reunion. I met up with a male friend, who happened to be divorced, and we started chatting again. The chatting turned into emails and phone calls, and seeing each other now and again.

As it turned out, this male friend DID used to have a crush on me in high school, and our starting contact again ended up reviving that crush-even though at the time I was married with two children. (This was a few years ago...) Anyhow, the innocent emails and phone calls ended up with him hitting on me eventually, and telling me that he thought our phone calls and emails were an "emotional affair". It ended up that I had to stop all contact with this person!!

Now, I DO have male friends...and they are just friends! However, these male friends and I, while we do chat, email, etc. we are not chatting for hours a day, or emailing 10 times a day. I might chat or email with them a couple of times a WEEK.

I am not saying that there is anything wrong with having friends of the opposite sex-because there isn't. However, I would be concerned if the emails and chatting were becoming excessive.

Your mate seems to be showing you emails, etc. and that is a good sign. However, if you don't know this lady, who's to say what her intentions are, really?

There are many cases where men and women can have friendships and be fine...but there are also cases where the innocent friendships turned into more. (My father and stepmother, for instance...)

My advice would be to speak to your husband about this, and let him know that while you don't mind their friendship-that there be some respectful limitations on the contact. A couple of emails a week seems fine....but chatting for hours a day and 10 emails a day, well, it seems a bit much.

Anyhow, this is just my opinion.

As of right now, they have been emailing about 4 to 5 times a week back and forth like that. Sometimes it's even less maybe only once or twice a week. They have only chatted on MSN a few times maybe 3 total over a few months?? I think in the beginning it through me for loop. It started with and email or two, then there was a 3 hour chat a few days later. The day after the chat she started Texting him messages that said things like "good Morning, I am waving to you" and "aren't you up yet Lazy?". That is when I became uncomfortable. When my husband learned that the texting bothered me the texting stopped. The longer they talk the less threatened I feel. I know that is because my husband has been so willing to work with me and keep me in the loop of what they are talking about. The flirting that started in the beginning seems to have changed into just a general everyday chat and he has been changing the wording in his emails from I (meaning him) to we (meaning us)...such as "we hope you are having a good week". I am not sure if he is doing it for my benefit or not but it really helps me.

Thanks again for listening because typing and talking about it has really helped me see the other side. On one hand I see it as a chance for him to develop feelings for someone else and on the other hand I see it as someone to chat to and a way for him to reconnect to his childhood. I am getting better at focusing on the latter part of this every day.

I have been in a previous relationship where my husband was 100X more jealous than I am and I know what it is like to be harped on all the time. That is not the way I want to treat my husband. I like to talk about my feelings and what I am thinking/wanting and he says that he doesn't want to talk about it ever again. I have come up with what I hope is a compromise. I have offered up the veto plan. When we have any arguments about anything (which really we haven't argued about anything other than this topic in the last year) if he doesn't want to talk he gets to "veto". That means we are done talking about it and I can't drag it out. However if I "Veto" before him then he has to sit and talk about it even though he doesn't like to "talk". And we can't Veto a Veto...if that makes sense. He doesn't think this plan will work because he says I like to talk to much and always want to talk....I think it will because I am going to hold myself to be accountable to backing off when he requests it. We only each get two Vetoes a month but I am hoping we wont need that many.....

Okay....I think I am done writing my book on this. Thanks again for letting me vent...I really do feel much better....

Just a suggestion - when my husband and I were having issues, our counselor recommended a book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman. We've since read all the other books that he's written.

http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principl.../dp/0609805797

He has done studies on communication in couples, not just based on psychological work, but on measuring how men and women are affected on a basic biological level when they communicate. Things like heart rate, blood pressure, eye movement, etc. And he's found out that men and women DO communicate differently - and not in a glib Mars and Venus soundbite type of way, but that they have different biological and chemical reactions to different types of emotional situations.

There is a biological reason why women prefer to talk things out and men don't.

So reading this book helped us to resolve a lot of communication issues that were plaguing us that were truly men vs. women issues. And once we each understood how the other reacted, we were much better able to communicate with each other w/out hurt feelings or anger.

I really strongly recommend his books to any married couple, whether they're having problems or not. Some of the information in his studies is simply fascinating and will give you a new insight into relationships of every kind.

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Thanks....I will check that book out.....=0)

I would not be thrilled either. When I was looking for an au pair I purposely tried to avoid choosing an attractive woman who would then come to live in my house and be part of my household.

I do not doubt my husband's fidelity. At all. But... even the very best of marriages can have rough patches, stressors and whatnot... why invite potential temptation or distraction?

Regarding the innocent emails or not... Like Aphil, I was contacted by an old male friend who expressed an old crush and who then made some leading remarks as if he was testing to see if he had a chance... who needs it??

It is wonderful that your husband has no qualms about talking with you regarding his contact with this woman... but, I too would not be thrilled.