My DH and I have come to a time in our lives where we've realized we have different opinions on raising a teenager. My dd is 14, 15 in Nov. She's a freshman in HS. (skip to bottom for a summary)
Last year when it was time to sign up for HS classes, he was insistant that we pick her classes; specifically music classes. Without going into a lot of detail, he had great marching band experiences in HS and college and wants her to experience them too. She's an outstanding Sax player. She wasn't interested in Marching Band. The final "compromise" was concert band and marching band, no Jazz band.
Fast forward to now. We just found out that the school musical (rehearsals and performances) will occur during girls basketball season. My dd is also a pretty good b-ball player. It's the only sport she participates in. She was part of an elite team last spring. However, she loves theater, is an ok performer (has a lot to learn still) and has been doing plays since she was 7. I told my DH this morning that she was going to have a tough time deciding which one to choose. He said "Well, she'll be doing basketball". He doesn't want to give her the choice.
SUMMARY: I believe in letting a 14/15 YO make choices about her life when the consequences aren't huge (life threatening or truly detrimental). I believe she needs practice in making important decisions so we can help her reason it out but ultimately she lives the consequences of those decisions. He believes that 14/15 is too young to make decisions like that.
I'm interested in your opinion or philosophy. What have been your experiences?
I recently had a similar experience. My son just started middle school and I wanted him to be in the band because I had been, so I told him he "had" to.
Then I started thinking, I was in the band for 6 yrs., played the flute. I cannot even play it now (43 yrs old), so in the grand scheme of things, it didn't really matter that I was in the band afterall.
Last edited by ddc; 09-25-2008 at 11:51 AM.
Reason: added comment
I'm only 25, and w/o any children. But I remember being a teenager, if that helps any
I believe that when it comes to something like this, letting your teenager make (an informed) choice is best. You can always present the pros & cons to her, but if a parent forces her into one certain thing, she may begin to resent the activity.
Now is a good time to let her grow and take up some responsibility, making choices is part of life. And choosing an afterschool activity that she wants to stick with is a great way to start.
You already know what the right decision is. The problem is how to guide your husband into understanding it.
Before he 'tells' her what she will be doing, perhaps she can share with him how she feels about the choices. Maybe she can write him a letter explaining why she feels the way she does.
I agree that if she is forced to do what he tells her, she will resent him, and possibly you for not letting her make her own decision. I know how happy I was when my Dad let me take Karate when I was in High school. If he made me take something Iwasn't interested in, I would have dug my heels in been miserable.
Okay. So i am only 20 and graduated 3 years ago. I know that my parents letting me make the decision made me happier and a lot more independant. The rules in my family were that i had to be participating in any thing. They did not choose, but i HAD to be in at least one school activity/sport each semester. I think you should let DD choose. She may be better at basketball, but if she enjoys theatre more let her pick that. I know that for me personally marching band, theatre, speech and debate and the dance team were the best high school experiences. As long as she is participating in something and is happy then i dont see a reason to choose for her.
ETA: i know that if i were forced into something that i didnt think i would enjoy i know for a fact that i would have rebeled as much as possible to make my parents as miserable as they were making me.
Last edited by CandyKisses0204; 09-25-2008 at 12:05 PM.
I would strongly agree that it is her choice what she would like to participate in. I'm 26 so high school wasn't too long ago for me. I wasn't given a choice about what classes I took in high school, either. I wound up resentful to this day (it's abated a lot, but it's there).
I could be more understanding if your husband seemed to have some sort of logical reason for choosing one over the other, e.g. a case where she should take a more advanced math class instead of remedial b/c it would help her college transcript. Marching band just because he did it and liked it? If he loves basketball so much, he should go play. We can't force our kids to do what we ourselves want to.
I've never dictated what my children will participate in. If they want to do it, I do insist that they follow through with it--they cannot decide half way through that they don't like it and quit. If they sign up for a class or team and it lasts 6 months, they have to commit for 6 months. Period. If there is a conflict, they have to stick to their original choice. It makes them really think through what they want to do. I always support them in what they choose.
My DD is into music. When she was in 7th grade, she wanted to be in the marching band but didn't make the cut. In order to still be part of the marching band experience, she joined the flag team (they march with the flags during the parades and dance to the music during concerts). Half way through the marching band season, her music teacher wanted her to join the marching band. Even though it was what she wanted, she had made a choice to join the flag team and I insisted she stay with the flags (as all the choreography would get messed up if she were to leave). Sure, she was disappointed, but she stuck it out. The next year she did marching band. She's been in band ever since and is now in college as a music major.
My son wanted to play soccer because all his friends were playing. After the first couple of years, he realized how hard it was. I asked him if he wanted to sign up for soccer one year and his reply was "only if I can play goalie." I told him he couldn't make that decision, only his coach could and if there was another player who was a better goalie, it wouldn't be fair to the team if he were insistent on being goalie. (He didn't like all the running around on the field, that's why he wanted goalie--he wasn't any better at this position, though). He thought about it and decided not to sign up for soccer and he asked to start Karate instead. He's been doing that for 4 years and is only a couple months away from earning his black belt. Interestingly, he's never shown an interest in music. He's taking robotics classes in school and has participated yearly in the Global Conference on Educational Robotics. This year, he's doing a paper/project on the use of sensors to make prosthetics and orthotics work better for amputees. Did I mention he's just 13?
If your husband forces her to follow HIS goals for her life, she's going to wind up hating what he chooses for her, just on principle. Even if it's something she would have chosen herself, not being allowed that choice will make her resentful and angry.
Also .. at 15 she should be starting to make her own life decisions about things. This is the time that making these types of decisions will prepare her to make larger and larger decisions about her future as she gets older. Does your DH plan to make all her decisions for her for the rest of her life?
Let her choose. Let her have to decide which is more important to her.
Let her make the decision on what she wants to do. If she doesn't learn how to make decisions now, she'll be in trouble when she's an adult and out of the house. As parents you need to make sure she has the tools to live on her own once she's grown.
It sounds like your DH, 1. is trying to relive his experiences through her and 2. is having a hard time realizing she's almost grown.
Well, I can give you not only my opinion, but the opinion of most of the experts in this field. I'm training in early childhood education, and although your DD is well out of early childhood, I believe a lot of the principles apply.
Young people need to learn how to make decisions and live with the consequences. If she doesn't learn now how to make good decisions for herself then she'll have to learn when she's 25, and the stakes are much higher.
Another potential danger is that after being frustrated in making her own decisions, she'll decide to rebell. Then instead of having to enforce decisions about what after school activities she participates in, you'll be fighting with her over whether she's ready for sex, drugs, or tattoos.
The reason for schools providing electives in the first place is to give teens a safe place to start making decisions and seeing how they can have an effect on themselves, their peers, and their world.
By letting her choose for herself whether to engage in band or theater or basketball, you're sending her the message that you are confident in her ability to make those decisions. When she experiences success in any of those activities, she'll win again by building self-esteem and a sense of self-efficacy.
I know there are plenty of articles on this topic, but unfortunately, all my resources are targetted for 3-8 year olds.
Good luck getting through to hubby.
Last edited by twilit tera; 09-25-2008 at 04:04 PM.
The tighter the apron strings are pulled the quicker your daughter will be looking for a pair of scissors.
15 is plenty old enough to make these types of decisions. The above posters are correct and it's why they give electives in H.S. What's your hubby's reason for not wanting to let her make this choice?
I'm just echoing what everyone else has said. I too agree that 15 is more than old enough to decide (safe) extra curricular activities by yourself. These are huge choices in terms of deciding what college she might want to attend, or what she might want to go to school for - or even what people she associates herself with and her own identity. 15 is a tender age for that kind of stuff and that's a huge fundamental building block for the next 15 years. My vote is that your husband should stop living vicariously through your daughter so that she has a chance to discover who she is before she's thrown in to the world on her own without that very important insight.
Then again, I'm 19, no kids and may be biased.
Good luck with your family though, Moondance! Let us know how it goes
I also agree that she is old enough to make the decision now. It's good for her to learn to make the decisions herself and find out what she does and does not like on her own, independent of what others think.
Soon, she'll be making bigger decisions such as what college she wants to go to and what she wants to major in. Those decisions are just a few years off! And knowing what things she likes and choosing those activities on her own will be helpful for college, because you definitely don't want her to just go along with whatever others want to do then.
Child rearing philosophy dispute w/DH--Opinions?
Good luck getting through to hubby.
I can use a reminder now and then (OK, right now, often) that teenager is not a 4-letter word.
