The "per plate" cost should have nothing to do with your gift.
A gift is just that ... a GIFT. Freely given, with value not being the primary factor.
That said, I believe that there are certain life events that "deserve" a little bit more. Graduation, marriage, and new babies ... to me those three things deserve a bit of a splurge.
YMMV.
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I agree. totally. give what you want to give and what you can afford to give.
Also keep in mind that you have up to a full year after the wedding to give a gift (and no, they do not have a full year to write thank you cards! ).
So if the travel costs to the wedding are eating into your gift budget, there's nothing wrong with sending something a few months later. We went from Georgia to Michigan for DH's cousin's wedding a few years ago, which was a little spendy, and then sent them a fairly expensive gift about 4 months later.
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Last edited by PhotoChick; 09-09-2008 at 01:35 PM.
Yikes, IMO just the thought of making our guests pay for their meals is cheezy. We believed that paying for their meals was our way of saying "thanks for joining us for our big day".
We didn't have much money - so we splurged on the meals instead of anything else. They say that the thing you will remember most about a wedding is the food.
In NY, weddings are extravagant (mine included) and athough I know that a wedding is about the marriage and the couple starting a new life together and NOT about a party and gifts, I kind of like the whole enormous circus-wedding thing. I'm Italian-American... it's part of our culture to have big, big weddings lol. And no one gives actual gifts... the gift is money. (Does that sound horribly materialistic?) Around here, you give a gift for the bridal shower and money for the wedding.
That said, if I were attending a good friend's wedding, or their child's wedding, I'd give $100 PER PERSON (so $200 total for myself and my fiance). I'd give that amount regardless of how much the wedding was actually costing. If the person was even closer, like a cousin, I'd give around $300, as I gave my fiance's cousin for her wedding last year, and I have no idea how much her wedding cost. I do think it's kind of tacky to actually tell people who are coming to the wedding how much they have to give to "cover" their dinners.
I agree with Photochick -- there are times to splurge and be really generous and there are times to watch the $$. A wedding, imo, is a time to be as generous as you can, especially if this is a person who you've know for her entire life. Also, I don't think you expense to travel to the wedding should matter in how much you give... unless you honestly can't afford it.
Also, I don't think you expense to travel to the wedding should matter in how much you give...
I totally agree with this.
An invitation to a wedding is just that - an invitation, not a command performance. If you *choose* to attend the wedding, then you should do so without holding the cost of your travel over the heads of the couple (even in a more subtle way as in "I paid X amount to travel, so you're getting a cheap gift").
That's not to say I think you should go broke for someone's wedding. Don't get me wrong. I think any *reasonable* couple (and being in the industry, I know that some couples simply aren't reasonable ) should understand if someone can't come, or if maybe only one person from a couple/family attends to represent the whole family, and if by paying to attend, it means they spend a little less on a gift or take longer to get one to you.
It's like that in NY too. No one gives gifts at weddings here.
I'm getting married in a little over a month and I have a few out-of-town friends who've asked me where I registered and I don't know what to tell them bc I haven't registered anywhere.
It's funny how different weddings are from one part of the country to the next.
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Originally Posted by junebug41
I think that's a Jersey thing. I have some friends from there and whenever a wedding has come up there's always a big discussion on the acceptable amount to be given with no mention of registries or gifts, just $$$.
For our wedding, we didn't register anywhere but we also told everyone that gifts weren't expected, which of course didn't really fly But when you are a young couple without anything it is different than if you are a couple who have lived separate and together and have had to already furnish your home and really have everything you need or mostly everything.
Of course not registering meant that we got some interesting (not in a bad way) wedding gifts or cash.
I have a similar question. I got married a month ago, and one of the groomsmen is getting married in less then two weeks and we have no clue what to give them. Now, please don't take this the wrong way, but it's a little awkward because he didn't get us anything. I know he's not that financially secure, and i would absolutely understand if he gave us a card that said something to the effect of not having the money to spend on a gift. But there was nothing, so my husband and I can only assume what happened.
His fiance wants to get married in Canada, so my husband, two other friends, and I are driving from DC to Canada for the wedding. And the "cover your plate" thing isn't going to work, because there is no reception. However, there is a dinner were we are to treat the bride and groom.
My husband wants to give the standard $100, I'm a bit more torn, since he's also throwing this guy's bachelor party. But we have been friends with him for 9 years...
I may be sentimental but I like the whole idea of giving an actual gift at a wedding. I always think of the person whenever I use a certain bowl or my special tableware. I also appreciate the dishes that were passed down to me by my grandparents that came from their weddings. I just think it's a nice to have memories like that.
I had a moderate wedding with about 140 guests. I would never have expected anyone to "cover the cost of their meal" -- I was just thrilled they were able to attend (my family lives about 3 1/2 hours away). I appreciated each and every gift, right down to the dolphin bottle opener (not sure where this idea came from ). However, my favorite gift was the $10 cash from my aunt who I knew could barely afford it because I know how much I must mean to her .
Anything is appreciated and nothing should be expected. Hope you have a wonderful time.
Along the same topic (kind of) anyone get a wedding gift that was odd, awkward, etc. I think we received between 10 to 15 wedding frames/albums -- a little overkill.
He didn't give you ... anything besides the honor of his presence? Not even an explanation? Not even the vague promise of a future gift when he can afford to give you something nice? Jeez...
Eh... I'd be iffy about giving this guy $100 too... He couldn't come up with ANYTHING for you? Is he homeless? Does he spend all his money on drugs? Did identity thieves crack into his checking account and clean him completely dry? If not, then he should have been able to wrestle up at least $25 for you. Even if that was too pricey, he could have bought you a card for $3 and wrote "Best of Luck" inside. Jeez... few people's financial situations are THAT precarious and like you said, you've been friends for 9 years...
I'd give him $50, MAXIMUM. It's 50x's what he gave you...
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Originally Posted by justjenn80
I have a similar question. I got married a month ago, and one of the groomsmen is getting married in less then two weeks and we have no clue what to give them. Now, please don't take this the wrong way, but it's a little awkward because he didn't get us anything. I know he's not that financially secure, and i would absolutely understand if he gave us a card that said something to the effect of not having the money to spend on a gift. But there was nothing, so my husband and I can only assume what happened.
His fiance wants to get married in Canada, so my husband, two other friends, and I are driving from DC to Canada for the wedding. And the "cover your plate" thing isn't going to work, because there is no reception. However, there is a dinner were we are to treat the bride and groom.
My husband wants to give the standard $100, I'm a bit more torn, since he's also throwing this guy's bachelor party. But we have been friends with him for 9 years...
He didn't give you ... anything besides the honor of his presence? Not even an explanation? Not even the vague promise of a future gift when he can afford to give you something nice? Jeez...
Erm ... a guest has up to a year to give a gift for a wedding. And that guest is not require or obligated by the rules of etiquette to a apologize or explain taking that length of time. And didn't Jenn say she got married only a month ago?
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I'd give him $50, MAXIMUM. It's 50x's what he gave you...
I don't mean to be b*tchy, but tit-for-tat is hardly a way to be a friend. What is this? You dissed my wedding so I'll dis yours, neener neener?????
If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to be more adult than that.
IMO, of course.
Jenn, to answer your question, I'd say give the $100 if that's what you usually give. Don't make a simple wedding gift a bone of contention in a 9 year long friendship. For me this is one of those "hill you want to die on" issues.
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Last edited by PhotoChick; 09-09-2008 at 11:33 PM.
Not to generalize but sometimes I think men are clueless in this regard. Take my husband, who never thought tipping to have your hair cut was an option . I wonder if he just never thought about the whole gift/card with all the wedding stuff going on.
He didn't give you ... anything besides the honor of his presence? Not even an explanation? Not even the vague promise of a future gift when he can afford to give you something nice? Jeez...
Eh... I'd be iffy about giving this guy $100 too... He couldn't come up with ANYTHING for you? Is he homeless? Does he spend all his money on drugs? Did identity thieves crack into his checking account and clean him completely dry? If not, then he should have been able to wrestle up at least $25 for you. Even if that was too pricey, he could have bought you a card for $3 and wrote "Best of Luck" inside. Jeez... few people's financial situations are THAT precarious and like you said, you've been friends for 9 years...
I'd give him $50, MAXIMUM. It's 50x's what he gave you...
i laughed and snorted when I read that. My husband and I were confused too. I know the guy is absolutely stupid when it comes to money management. I'm with you on the $50, but my husband is way more generous then i am.
Okay, as far as etiquette goes, if invited to a wedding you are required to give a gift. Even if you do not go to the wedding. But, you do have up to a year after the wedding to send a gift, according to all the etiquette books I own (which is a lot~I collect them.) Of course, if the couple says "No gifts" then you should respect their wishes.
That being said, I have NEVER heard of a per plate rule. That seems petty to me. Presents should not be the reason why you invite people to a wedding. You invite them because you (or your family) want them there.
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) should understand if someone can't come, or if maybe only one person from a couple/family attends to represent the whole family, and if by paying to attend, it means they spend a little less on a gift or take longer to get one to you. 
). However, my favorite gift was the $10 cash from my aunt who I knew could barely afford it because I know how much I must mean to her 
. 