today is shaping up to be such an awful day. which is the exact opposite of what i had planned before i fell asleep last night. i was psyched. excited and hopeful.
i had planned on vacuuming the two large main rooms in the house, do all the dishes, and even mop the floor. along with exercising, and spending some time out in the garden. maybe even pick some flowers before they all die to brighten up the house a bit. and then i was going to try and finish a project i've been trying to finish for weeks (okay, it's a new website. which i'm hoping will make more money than my old ones).
but....as usual, my mother destroyed and crushed all of my plans and optimism in record friggin time. yes, i still live with my parents. i had planned on going to college right out of high school but some snafu with the guidance department, my sister having her first baby (and other insane things in her life), and my mother having a nervous breakdown a month before and surgery a day after graduation put all of it on hold indefinitely. so here i am, still with my parents and still taking care of my mother. even if it's usually just emotionally most of the time. but anyway, she recently broke her wrist. so she's in a cast and that means that i have had to really step up and take care of the majority of household chores. which is fine. which is good, actually. it forces me to do things. and i'm fine with that, even if i may complain occasionally. and she KNOWS that i'm fine with it. yet she pulls crap like she did today.
i woke up, drank my coffee, had a smoke, and started to vacuum earlier. i was doing fine...but my back started to spasm. so i sat down for five minutes. just until it stopped. i explained that to her. i insisted i was fine, i'm used to it by now. and that i just needed to wait it out for a bit. but...she didn't let it go at that. oh no. she immediately took charge of the vacuum and then started to say something...but i stopped her. because she has a tendency to get over dramatic and say stupid stuff. and i KNOW she was about to say something that was just uncalled for and obnoxious. so i was just like "please mom. i don't want to fight so don't start with the dramatic stuff. and please let me vacuum." apparently that was the wrong thing to say! because she launched herself into one of her episodes. i mean.... my mother is nuts. i have absolutely no doubt about it anymore. and i guess you'd have to see it to really get it...but, basically, she gets into these "moods" where ... oh my god. i can't even explain it. and if i tried, i would end up writing a book. so, just take my word for it.
after i figured out i was going to get nowhere with her, i left her alone until my back started to feel better. only five minutes later. and i went and asked if i could finish the vacuuming. and she turned around and started to lay into me about how evil i am and how cruel i can be and all this other........really crazy stuff that had nothing to do with the fact that i was merely trying to vacuum the damn rug. and then she uttered the line that just, blew my entire day. "it's too painful to watch you try to vacuum".
what. the. f*ck. seriously?! who says that to someone who just decided to finally turn their life around. i mean, way to make me feel like complete crap, mom. really. i understand that as a mother she finds it difficult to see her "baby" (hate being the youngest, really, i do) in pain...but, come on. i'm an adult, i can handle my own aches and pains and i'm fully capable of doing so without having her coddling me at every turn. all that does is make me feel like more of a loser. plus, if i'm going to get anywhere with this new plan of mine, i need to be able to work through any problems and pain i have. not have someone "save" me from even encountering it.
but that's not even the worst part. the worst and bigger point is that....two days ago, she screamed at me for 20 minutes straight about how i don't do anything around the house. which is a lie to begin with, i've been the one taking care of dishes, laundry, being their answering service, and cleaning up after my dad (he's a very messy man, and he has more clothes and shoes than anyone i've ever known) for the past 4 weeks while she's had her cast on. yet...in her crazy little head, i do absolutely nothing. in fact, i do less than nothing. i sit and watch her do everything, while she's in pain. the only way that could have sounded more insane was if she had been like "AND YOU LAUGH AT ME THE WHOLE TIME!". she's delusional!! i swear i wish i had hidden cameras or microphones or something in this house so these people (i mean, my parents) could see and hear once and for all what really goes on. not just what they want to see or hear. or what the monsters in their heads make them see and hear.
ugh. i really had to vent. i tried to call my sister...but. ha. she's got two kids and a boyfriend/baby daddy (and his family) who is ... well, that's for another venting thread, i think. and i think i may need someone to tell me i'm not the crazy one. although, no one here could give me that considering how new i am and stuff. but...sigh. maybe i should just start filling journals again.
does anyone else have a mother who seems determined to force you into an asylum? maybe someone else's horror stories would make me feel better.
I sometimes think my Mom is insane to. She cry's over the dumbest things. And always complains about us(the kids) not doing enough around the house, then starts bawling. It really annoys me.
I really feel for you. My Aunt is paranoid schizophrenic and makes up complete lies. It has almost split our family apart. Are you getting any help for this - I mean anyone that you can turn to for support outside your family?
Journalling is great. It's a good way of venting and then being able to go back and read when times are tough again. Posting here is also great as you get some feedback too.
You are not nuts, it sounds like you have a lot of responsibility on your shoulders.
I think everyone's got mother issues to some degree.
You're certainly not alone. I honestly believe my mom has undiagnosed depression. And it really throws the whole family for a loop sometimes.
I cannot change my mom. But, even if she tosses something my way that is highly inappropriate (and she has) I cannot let what she does determine my day. Neither can you. Yes, she's you're mom. But, as an adult you can make the decision about how to react and about how to act regardless. Even if this morning didn't turn out as nicely as you had planned, you do still have the rest of today. Don't waste it.
she locks herself in her bathroom and screams to herself. she brings up things that happened years and years and years ago as if it were five minutes ago. and she's very paranoid, something that has been getting steadily worse over the last year or so. after she lost her job, she was convinced the company had people watching her, to make sure she was sufficiently miserable or something. i have no idea. i just know i had to, on several occasions, tell her a man or woman was not out to get her and that she was being unreasonable.
the only other person i really have to talk to about it is my sister. and she's been out of the house for so long, she really no longer remembers how bad it can be. she has chosen to just remember the comforting feeling of being "home" when she comes for supper on the weekends. i'm scared to include anyone else i know (in real life. i ***** and moan all i want online...it's really my only outlet) because i don't want them to mention anything to or around my parents. it would just cause way more misery than i can handle. and as for other family members...HA. all of her sisters are under the impression that it was my father and us (my sister and i) who "ruined" their precious sister. and they have all but demanded she leave and move back to MA with them. where, i'm sure, they would force her into some kind of hospital like they did with their other sister. and i don't really speak to many people on my dad's side. none of my cousins like me....so, basically, family is out of the question as far as discussions about her behaviour go.
i've considered bringing it up to my doctor (who is also my mother's doctor, she's a bit of a quack, really), but i'm afraid that would also accomplish nothing but maybe getting me thrown out on the street or worse.
i'm just feeling very stuck lately. and i'm really at a loss as to how to deal with her. nothing seems to work anymore. we fight more than we ever have and...it's just a neverending cycle. my entire life has been full of those. cycles. round and round we go!
and faerie, you're absolutely right. i've stopped crying and am about to get a bottle of water and head outside. :]
My mother is usually fine and can be amazing, but she is also very heavily into dramatics, being a victim (of me and my unbridled cruelty :eyeroll: ), accusations and she too can just have days when I cannot be around her because she's in the Joan-of-Arc-walk-on-eggshells mode and everything I say will offend and hurt her. And let's say there's a situation where she asks you to do something for her and you honestly forget, and you apologize, she yells and screams and accuses you of intentionally "forgetting" or intentionally doing something malicious or whatever. She analyzes tones of voice, declares a tone nasty or mean, and gets mad. She even analyzed me clearing my throat once and determined I meant it in a nasty way! I swear to God!
This morning, for instance, she stayed home from work. I overslept but when I got up, I said good morning and went to get ready. She asked to borrow my laptop. But I was running late, I said she could borrow it, but I didn't bring it to her. Also, I ran out of the house to catch my bus (I was SOOO late). Ten minutes later, she calls me up yelling, saying how rude it was that I didnt say goodbye and how terrible I am for not giving her the computer. I told her I was sorry, but i was running really late and I just darted out after my shower, etc. I told her she could go get the computer but she said no, she doesn't want it, and I quote, "IF YOU [I] DON'T WANT TO GIVE IT TO ME [HER]." WTF? I ask you: WTF? Just go get the damned computer! Why does EVERYTHING have to come down to being this big offended victim of everyone else's nastiness? I ask you.
I'm exactly the opposite -- I'm very slow to anger and even slower to take offense. I try all the time to give people the benefit of the doubt, especially my family members. If I think someone might have said or done XYZ but I'm not sure, I will usually assume they DIDN'T say or do something offensive, or didn't mean to be offensive or whatever. And I don't understand the constant need to create conflict and drama, either. I really don't understand it.
My fiance doesn't understand it either and THE WORST is when shes in these moods and tries to get my fiance to side with her ab how terrible I am. He usually vacates the room when she starts (as I told him), but once she goes to him, "Isn't she nasty, you see how she treats her own mother??" and he told her, "No! Karen is a very nice person" bc it was so ridiculous even he couldn't keep his usual respectful silence (I dont want him to argue with her, or even defend me, bc I dont want him to also capture her ire).
A, that sounds like a really tough position to be in. What does your dad say about any of this?
Dealing with a close family member who has mental problems is so draining. Emotionally and physically...
I wish I knew of somewhere I could direct you in order to get the kind of help you need as well as the kind of help your mother needs. She sounds like she could use some for her own good as well as her family's good.
I know exactly what you're going through. My mom used to sit in a rocking chair, clutching one of her cats and murmuring about how she loved it more than anyone else in the whole world. I would routinely wake up to screaming fits, swearing fits, stupid parental fights, and be accused of doing absolutely nothing around the house.
It all came to a head about 7 years ago, she had a nervous break down, and now she's [relatively] normal. I also used to consider hiding cassette recorders and digi cams everywhere, just to replay her insanity for her.
WOW.. that sounds EXACTLY like my mom..
she can be over-dramatic over everything, and I'm constantly her therapist so it gets to be too much..
she's very hot-headed too and the smallest things and she'll scream and go on and on and it'll turn into this big thing when all it was was about something small like cleaning the dishes. And as someone else wrote, sometimes you honestly forget things.. and my mom is the type to turn it around on me and make me feel like the worst person ever.. ugh.
But she's going through tons of stress too so it's weird.. but I really do understand where you're coming from..
lol, that's another reason why I'm really looking forward to going back to the dorm this year.. Anyway I hope things work out for you.
Hi, well, I have to tell you that I've been in your position. My mom is schizophrenic and went for 20 years without meds to treat it (after she had been on meds for 20 years). She would rant and yell and accuse (even accused my 9year old of being on drugs). She would clean compulsively (still does) and constantly belittle everyone else. Nothing anyone ever did was good enough. She would come into our home and just start ranting and cleaning and I'm really not that bad of a housekeeper. She didn't keep it in the family, though, and on repeated occasions, she was picked up by police and hospitalized after accusing a neighbor of being a drug dealer or trying to poison her or messing with her car or........It didn't matter what, it was just the paranoia telling her that everyone was out to get her. She also would disappear for months at a time and stay out of contact with anyone in the family. She always said it was for our protection from the people who were after her.
She was finally hospitalized for a couple months early last year after threatening to kill the police (all of them, not just the chief or an officer) and put on court-ordered meds. She is non-compliant, but must take them, since she's being monitored by a county nurse. She is doing better, but still believes that all the rest of us are the problem and she is the only person on earth who knows the real truth about anything.
So, my only advice is that if you want to get more info, look into mental health organizations where you live. The county nurse or public health office could be a place to start. There are many support organizations who can help you decide if there needs to be an intervention. It's not easy, though. For many years, we just had to leave mom alone and keep our distance (it helped when we lived several hundred miles apart, but now, she lives very close). People with issues like schizophrenia or bipolar disorder are almost impossible to deal with on your own and you might just need to get out and cut yourself off from contact for your own mental health. I know part of my weight problem is from trying to 'insulate' myself from her tirades and insults.
My heart goes out to you. Remember you are not alone in this problem. Try to find a support group. And, keep coming back here.
First of all, . Second, you probably aren't going to like what I have to say, but I need to throw this out there.
It sounds like your Mom needs professional help. You shouldn't be the one to deal with it though. That responsibility lies with your father. He should be the one talking with your family physician. BTW, there is nothing wrong with being hospitalized for this type of thing, if it's necessary and helps. It really sounds like your Mom needs help. It also sounds like it might run in the family.
Until your Mom gets help, there isn't much you can do for her. You need to take care of yourself and your own health! Set yourself some boundaries and enforce them! If this means getting a job and moving out, then do so as soon as soon you can.
Also, it might be beneficial for you to find your local NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) office. They have support groups for people who have family members with mental illness. Having a support system outside of the house might help you quite a bit. I find it's easier to talk to people who are in a similar situation; it's not such a taboo subject.
So sorry you have to go through all this. I really hope your situation improves shortly. I agree with Zenor77. Your mom needs help. And, read through before you jump to conclusions about what I am saying, but I think you should consider seeking counseling as well. I am NOT trying to imply that you are crazy, not by a long shot, but I do know from experience that dealing with mental illness and abuse can take a big toll on you and set up subconscious patterns that can be self destructive (overeating is one of them). It may be better to go ahead and deal with those patterns now then to have them possibly really blow up on you later. My heart goes out to you, and to anyone who is/has experienced this with a loved on.
You should reconsider going back to school. Don't inherit someone else's problems, whether they're grateful for it or not. You owe it to yourself to get yourself out of a bad situation. Clearly what's going on now isn't really working for anyone - and if you're not part of a solution than you're part of the problem.
I agree with the others about getting some help for your mother. And with you connecting with some support and going to school. How much longer are you willing to put your life on hold? Maybe you are, and that's OK, but know that it's your choice. Around here, the community college has a program that helps people deal with circumstances like yours, so maybe that's something you could check out around there. Maybe not even go full time, just a class here and there.
It's really hard to figure out the difference between your parents issues and your responsibilities, I've found. Just because your mom says she doesn't think you do a good job with the vacuum, does that make it true? No. That's her issue and her opinion. It may hurt because she's your mom and we all hope for things from our parents, but it doesn't make it more valid than if I were to tell you that you do a fantastic job. Are you satisfied with what you do around the house? Then own it. If you're not, then change what you do. Regardless of what she thinks. It matters only if what she tells you is reasonable and lucid. And it doesn't sound like she is.
mother issues.
