Kaplods, I agree with your post too. You went into greater detail and outlined what I meant when I said "inappropriate response", "imbalance of and abuse of power" and "unresolved feelings".
I guess I'm going to be the dissenting voice here. I will preface this by saying that I am under the impression that it was a pop with the spoon, and not a louisville slugger whack. That said I think a lesson in manners and what is and is not appropriate for a child to say to an adult is needed. Second if this one incident is all that is bothering this kid about his uncle, he needs to get over himself and move on. Wallowing in this is not healthy and letting an almost 11 year old think that this is appropriate behavior is wrong. But then I'm not a coddling type of parent.
Now assuming that this is my kid and my brother, and it was more then a pop, my brother would have had a quick, unforgettable lesson in how NOT to discipline my child and my child a lesson in how to speak to adults. Then both need to pull on there big boy pants and get a long.
I have to ask, what is the boy's position on accepting a present from this uncle.
Wow, I'm going to have to read and re-read to soak it all in.
It was a "pop" on the head, a knee jerk reaction, but it sent my son wailing to his room and my brother left the party and no, it never got resolved. We have a way in my family of not really talking about stuff and it gets swept under the rug, but I always feel the tension in the room when we're together.
I will talk with my son about his uncle and find out what he wants to do for his special day and not worry about what everyone else thinks. I think that's alot of my problem - wanting to please everybody - but it makes me feel like the bad guy.
Thanks again everyone. You girls are a great group---THANK YOU!!
I guess I'm going to be the dissenting voice here. I will preface this by saying that I am under the impression that it was a pop with the spoon, and not a louisville slugger whack. That said I think a lesson in manners and what is and is not appropriate for a child to say to an adult is needed. Second if this one incident is all that is bothering this kid about his uncle, he needs to get over himself and move on. Wallowing in this is not healthy and letting an almost 11 year old think that this is appropriate behavior is wrong. But then I'm not a coddling type of parent.
Now assuming that this is my kid and my brother, and it was more then a pop, my brother would have had a quick, unforgettable lesson in how NOT to discipline my child and my child a lesson in how to speak to adults. Then both need to pull on there big boy pants and get a long.
Gotta say I agree with this almost verbatim.
I've been "popped" before for mouthing off. Not in a "beat down" way, but in a "watch your mouth young lady" way. I've also been beaten in an abusive way (to the point that I wound up in foster care for a year). There *is* a difference between the two, no matter what "mandated reporter" training anyone has. And this is why I get so pissed off at people who cry "abuse" when it's not really abuse. A cry of abuse can ruin lives in ways that none of you can even imagine unless you've been there. And a pop with a spoon (even an accidentally too hard pop) is not abuse.
I do think that the 11 year old is being given inappropriate amounts of power here. Holding a grudge for a year is not healthy. And an 11 year old shouldn't be allowed to ban family from a family event (even his birthday) unless there's a serious issue. Otherwise you're just creating a situation where any little slight will be an excuse for another family rift.
The 11 year old is old enough to understand that if he has a problem with his Uncle, he needs to talk about it with another adult and with the uncle.
The problem with situations discussed on a board like this, is that it's nearly impossible to give anything close to "good" advice, because what we can know of the situation is such a tiny, tiny, tiny tidbit.
I try to give input that would be of value no matter what the situation could be. Is it possible that the kid is over-reacting? You bet! Especially if he sees adults over-reacting. Could the uncle be a jerk that likes to torment the kid? Likewise, yes. Could there be something really bad going on? Yes, even to that. We just don't know, because none of us know all the details.
I agree with SoulBliss this isn't about making a specific decision or following a specific course of action, it's about finding out what's really going on, and not making any decisions until you do. Assuming the kid is being petty and disrespectful without more evidence is as bad as assuming the uncle needs to be "reported" to some agency because he's "abusing" the kid. Either decision is extreme, given that the situation could be just about anything, at htis point. The first order of business is finding out what the problem is, before you can try to fix it (or worse, ignore it).
I just had a talk with my son. I asked him why he did not want his uncle there and he said it was because of the spoon incident. I talked through the incidents leading up to the spoon incident and let him know that what he did was rude and hurtful, and the reaction by his uncle was not appropriate either. He said he understood. It's also helpful that he's learning about forgiveness at vacation bible school this week. He said that he could come to his birthday dinner, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea or not. I would like to avoid conflict myself. I wish I'd stuck with my first gut feeling to not invite him. But at least we did discuss the problem again (we did talk about it when it happened). Ok, I feel like I'm rambling now.
Thank you all for your input
I just had a talk with my son. I asked him why he did not want his uncle there and he said it was because of the spoon incident. I talked through the incidents leading up to the spoon incident and let him know that what he did was rude and hurtful, and the reaction by his uncle was not appropriate either. He said he understood. It's also helpful that he's learning about forgiveness at vacation bible school this week. He said that he could come to his birthday dinner, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea or not. I would like to avoid conflict myself. I wish I'd stuck with my first gut feeling to not invite him. But at least we did discuss the problem again (we did talk about it when it happened). Ok, I feel like I'm rambling now.
Thank you all for your input
Consider taking your son at his word.
He has said he's okay with his uncle coming to the birthday dinner. Believe him.
And talk to your brother ahead of time to say, "Okay, look. We've talked about the spoon incident and my son is still hurt by it, but understands how it happened, knows what led up to it was wrong, and is working on forgiveness. I'd like you to work on forgiveness too. Forgiving a child for speaking in a rude manner and choosing a non-physical reaction next time if at all possible. Maybe you and my son could have a chat about how stressful that moment was and how you're both so glad it's over and you can both move forward, forgiving one another, and enjoy the party."
I know it's tough if you're in a family where--as you mentioned above--things get swept under the rug and not resolved.
But to stop that cycle of head-in-the-sand-choices is to be the true adult in the situation and create a better family going forward.
You're modeling good behavior for your son by showing him that people can forgive and come together to celebrate occasions.
I know you're still wishing you hadn't invited your brother and you're going to feel anxiety over this decision NO MATTER WHAT, so I'd just like to suggest that you treat it as an experiment in moving the family to a healthier place, in the way they deal with conflict. Hopefully your brother can be at least as mature as your son is willing to be in practicing forgiveness.
And forgive yourself for having invited your brother and then wishing you hadn't. If you REALLY don't want him here, you'll un-invite him. Your son has already said it's okay with him. Trust him that this is true and invite your brother to join in the moving forward you're trying to see happen, here.
It's also helpful that he's learning about forgiveness at vacation bible school this week.
But did he understand that in this case forgiveness is a 2 way street? And that next time he should keep his smart mouth shut. And if he does learn how to do that, please call me because at the age of 45, I have not got that one down.
There is a reason I have a magnet on my desk that says "My family is a freak show with out the tent". Not a day goes by that I don't thank God that they all live out of state, except one sister, who shares this opinion. Family gatherings make me want pie, alcohol, cigarettes, in varying order.
